Broken words could mean no Wedding

[WomackC706]

My fiance and I have always had a \n open relationship, except when it comes to porn. That is his dirty, black secret he wants no one to know about, but I think that it is getting out of hand. When we first got together, I didn't know about this problem because we lived about 4 hrs away from each other; however, 6 months into our relationship we got to see each other about every other day (if not every day). I was making a cd of pictures and movies of us so I could make a scrapbook. There were more than just pictures and movies about David and me, if you get my drift. So, I saw those and it made me soooo uncomfortable and disrespected and repulsed and cheated on. I am a large framed (well, athletic with a bit of baggage), brunette, DD breasts, and an olive complexion. He looks at tiny, skinny, pale skinned, blonde females with tiny (almost non existent) breasts. THE EXACT OPPOSITE FROM ME. I told him that it made me feel like that was his 'dream girl' and I was just there. We are each other's first and (hopefully) last sex partners. So, he told me he would not do it again, and didn't until about 1 1/2 years ago. I noticed that we were having less and less sex and he was having less and less money (or it was going faster). I went over to his apartment about a month later and walked in his room to use the restroom and saw that a porn video he had paid for and downloaded was still on the screen. He knew I was coming over and left it there. I was so upset, I had to go for about an hour. I came back and he told me that he didn't want to have sex anymore because he was worried about me getting pregnant (which we always use a condom and I am on the pill). I told him that that was fine (even though it wasn't) and that we could always take care of his huge needs in other ways. He agreed not to look at that anymore and allow me to take care of him. About a month after that agreement, we decided to give sex another try. We got engaged in March and moved in together in August (mostly for financial reasons). The other day, he wanted me to look at his bank statement because he didn't know where $30 had gone. I saw that he was charged three times for three different porn sites. It was almost $40! I looked up the sites and two were just of regular people having sex or females masturbating, whatever; however, the third website was of females banging horses. YUCK! It was a trial membership to this site, but the point is that he wanted to look at that. Around the time that he signed up for it, we were barely having sex at all (maybe 1-2 every 2 weeks). In the past 4 weeks, we have had sex ONE time!!! ONE TIME!!!!

 

I don't think that he fully understands how this makes me feel. That he would rather get off to females masturbating, having sex, or even having sex with animals than to have sex with me --- his soon to be wife. I don't know how to explain this to him---that I want him to want me, not the computer screen. I mean I thought we weren't having sex as much anymore because I wasn't trying hard enough. I bought a book on how to pleasure a man and have read about half of it. I try to get him in the mood, but every time I suggest something sexual or sensual all I get is rejected.

 

I know I have put on some weight in our 2 1/2 years together, but what else could I be doing wrong. He doesn't want to talk about his problem. I think it is an addicition. I have looked up sex / porn addicition online and tried to show him, but he just got mad and wouldn't talk to me for about a week. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

 

I am almost at the point to where I don't care anymore. This breaks my heart and I don't know what to do, say, feel, or think.

 

PLEASE HELP ME before I make a decision I will regret.

[RayKay]

I am just going to break it down through your post to make it easier, some stuff I say earlier, may be wrong later as I get more information though

 

 

 

Did you ever discuss with him your feelings on porn? For many, porn is natural to them, and so without a discussion of it, he may not know how you felt about it before he did it or had it.

 

Anyway, just because someone looks at someone who does not like you, does not mean they don't want you. It all goes back to some personal preferences, and what is out there in the porn world - it is more populated with skinny, pale blond females in general, which may be why there were so many of them. Or these may be preferences, not a sign of anything wrong with you.

 

 

 

 

Well that is good, seems he respected your wishes then. For a while anyway.

 

 

 

Hmmm...it's hard to say what came first then - the chicken or the egg. I normally have no issue with porn..unless it is affecting your personal sex life between the two of you. I don't know if he reverted to porn as he was feeling dissatisfied sexually, or he became dissatisfied as porn became too all consuming. It was definitely stupid on his part to leave it where you could see it - but maybe he wanted you to find it.

 

 

 

Strange that it came up, that to me shows maybe he is not sure about his future with you, and does not want to risk a child, despite two forms of protection.

 

Sweetie, don't say things are fine when they are not. If something is NOT okay with you, voice yourself. It will be much better for you in the long run, even if they disagree with you!

 

How nice..he "allowed" you to take care of him. Did he "take care" of you in return?

 

 

 

Financial reasons = NOT a good reason to move in together! Given the issues at hand = NOT a good reason to get engaged!

 

Why did you choose to get engaged, did you truly believe things had changed, what are the qualities in him that make you want to be with him? How has the sex life changed?

 

 

 

Okay, well yeah, yuck. I won't go too much into that...it's fetish some people have ...... the real issue here is that he is lying to you (unless maybe he is being charged without knowing it still..doubtful). Again, I wonder if he WANTS you to know about it if he gives you his financial statements!

 

The real issue here is the LACK OF SEX AND INTIMACY between the two of you, yet he can still revert to porn and so forth. Again, not sure what comes first, but the deceit, and lying, and lack of attention to your own intimate life is concerning.

 

 

 

Honey, it's really not you. It's him. He's addicted to it. And at the expense of your relationship. I advise you stop thinking of how you have to "earn" him, and realize he now should be earning YOU.

 

Don't get married to this guy at this rate. Unless you are prepared to feel like this the rest of your life. He needs to fix this, but only HE can do that and make that choice. And no more "I'll quit". He has to PROVE he is working on it - counselling with you, whatever.

 

 

 

Well, to be fair, weight can affect one's desire for their partner. Does not mean they love you less, but you are not what they were initially attracted to, for some that's hard to deal with. But, even so, he should talk to you about it, rather then make you feel this horrible by not having sex. Lose weight for YOU, and I am starting to think some of that weight should be HIM. He does not want to talk about it, as he does not want to change it at this point. I think too it is an addiction as it is coming at the expense of your relationship. Rather then coming to an agreement or compromise with him, he refuses to even discuss it. Perhaps if you understood more, you would be willing to incorporate some porn into your life, perhaps not. But it is clear at THIS point, you are both very incompatible in this area, and more so, that your sexual life is suffering, as is your self esteem from the rejection and lack of communication on his part.

 

 

 

You should feel how you need to feel. It's normal. As for what to say, I think suggest counselling and see what he says. And DO what is right based on his reaction and willingness to work and talk through things with you. Let him know you love him, but cannot accept feeling this way, and this lack of intimacy. That you are willing to work it out with professional help, but no longer willing to be lied to, or rejected.

 

I really suggest you DO NOT marry him unless this is resolved. Chances are very great though it may not be resolved permanently, and so you have some big decisions to make.

 

Don't settle. You are young, smart, beautiful, strong, and there is someone out there whom will love you for you, and respect your feelings about these issues, and respect you enough to talk and communicate about them.

[Beec]

Look just because he can beat it to a little blonde does not mean he wants one. I know it may not make you feel good, but there is really no difference between him checking them out in the mall or on line in terms of preference. Point is, he either wants you or he does not.

 

And he does not want to talk about it, because he is not comfortable with what he is doing. There is good reason for this.

 

Yes, he might be addicted and it mgiht be a big problem. But what he is doign is choosing the convenience of getting himself off rather than having sex with you. It's quick, easy and convenient to jsut get yourself off when you get the urge. It takes more time and effort to get off by actually having sex with a woman. Herein lies a big part of the problem. When he wants it, he ggets off and there goes his sex drive. It's not that he prefers little blondes. It's that when he wants to get off, he has his way with himself and does not bother to put in the effort with you.

 

If I had a quick suggestion, it would be for you to right now, stop looking for it from him. If you keep asking for it, or seeking it, then he knows he can have it with you whenever he wants. The fact that you suggest doing something may also be counter-procuctive. Frankly, when a woman who you are with a lot asks for it, that may actually turn a guy off. If you want to turn him on, then you do need to get in his head and do what works for him.

 

If I had a suggestion that most guys would love, he may go soft at the thought. What turns guys on is a bit different for every guy. However, if I had a suggestion, take charge and either tell him what he is going to do or just show him, don't suggest.

 

An example to both address the "issue" and that might get you what you want: wear something crotchless (hose or bodystocking to dinner) with a skirt; somehow get him to look under the table; tell him to look; when he does, tell him that that what he saw needs attention AND that he IS going to give it to it tonight. Now, over 90% of the guys who have soemthing liek this happen to them will respond in the way in which the woman who does this wants them to respond. But for some men, very few, it won't work. You need to get inside his head.

[WomackC706]

I have discussed my feelings with him many times. I says he will do better and does for a while, but it always reverts to porn. I am most upset because I can tell when he is trying not to look at it because he wants to have sex with me more; however, when he is looking at it, we rarely have sex (rarely = 1 a month). I am also upset because he is paying to see these women naked and everything and he knows that I will try anything that he wants to. I have in the past and I don't see why he can't ask me to do the things that they do that he likes. I have never been ashamed of him before, but with this animal sex stuff--- I am beyond embarrassed!!!!

 

We moved in together because I cannot afford to live anywhere else (his parents offered to pay for us to live together). And we do love each other and want to be married. We got engaged when he was doing very well! Our relationship was very healthy then. Maybe I shouldn't be looking in his things---for any reason--and I won't see it. Ya know, ignorance is bliss?!?!!?!

[WildChild]

Wow. Although I have had a problem in the past with my bf and porn, this is an extreme case! I hate to tell you this But you are going to have to make a very tough decision as whether you really can marry him. By what you have wrote, it does not seem like he is going to do anything to change nor change about caring about your thoughts. Your bedroom life lacks because of this, and it is VERY apparent this is the reason. There obviously is a huge difference in opinion between you two on this and I can guarantee it is not going to get better when you two get married. Most couples believe "Oh, once we get married things will be better" If anything the problem gets worse. You need to do some major soul searching on this I'm sorry to say.

[WomackC706]

I have asked him his fantasies (in a playful way), worn lingerie, tried to play sex games, etc. But nothing seems to work. His family never talked to him about sex, where mine did. He says that that is why he looks at the porn, because he didn't have to ask about it. It is there. But I am there now. I am very easy to please. I am always all about pleasing him.. I just like to make him feel good, although sometimes he just wants to please me and that gets him off. I just think that it is me---that I have gained too much weight and he finds it more pleasureable to be alone --because I have noticed that he visits these sites as soon as I leave for work. I have suggested that us watching them together, but he doesn't want to. He wants to say nothing about it. I suppose I would feel better if he would be honest with me, let me watch with him (sometimes), etc.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

You know, Beec wrote a very very good and on the money post, read it again if you haven't.

 

Something you wrote caught my and doesn't sit well with me and that is the reason you stated why you guys moved in together. That's never a good reason, it usually runs into problems or at least from what I have read and heard. Yes, I would stop looking through his things, you don't want not to be able to trust you. I think you have a lot of thinking and soul-searching to do before you get hitched. You are still very very young and you have plenty of time. Take care and wishing you well.

[WomackC706]

I didn't get engaged to him because I thought that he would change when we got engaged or married. I said yes because I love him and he loves me. We have had many chances to leave in these years together. I would rather feel awful everyday than to be without him one day. I know that sounds so despereate, but I really am not. I have had guys ask me out since David and I have been together, but I love him---No one else!

 

I think that it will get a little bit better after we are married because the major reason that we are not having sex a whole lot (as much as we have agreed that we would like to) because we don't want to get pregnant (just because we would like to finish school first, but if we got pregnant, it wouldn't be earth shattering). We have agreed on an amount of love making that we would like to have while we are married, and it is a good amount.

[WildChild]

You just answered what I was saying you. You misinterpreted my post in your first paragraph, but nailed what I was saying in your first sentence of your second paragraph

[RayKay]

You just answered what I was saying you. You misinterpreted my post in your first paragraph, but nailed what I was saying in your first sentence of your second paragraph

 

I was going to say the same thing.

 

Don't get married thinking or hoping things will get better, or change. They don't. Maybe for a temporary state, but then they revert and get worse.

 

Marriage exacerbates many of the issues that were present before you get married. It does not work that way.

[WomackC706]

If things didn't change at all, I would still marry David. He is the man that I know I was meant to be with. I have prayed about this and have received the same response from the Lord. He is a great man... I suppose that if this is the worst problem we have, then I am doing good huh? I mean he has never hit me, abused me, cheated on me, left me, been mean to me, said mean things about or to me, etc.

[WildChild]

The very last sentence of your original post was this:

 

PLEASE HELP ME before I make a decision I will regret.

[WomackC706]

meaning --- move out, bring it up, etc.

[RayKay]

meaning --- move out, bring it up, etc.

 

Well first - in a positive, healthy relationship, you NEED to communicate about issues like this. There is nothing wrong with bringing up an issue that is concerning you and affecting your relationship.

 

I think something you may regret is marrying him, and finding that sex does not change or improve, that he is just as worried about kids then or whatever his excuse is, and that he is still looking at porn that disturbs you.

 

No he may never have hit you, but how do you feel right now? Rejected and pretty low, right, he rejects you sexually, and does not take responsibility for his actions. This is emotionally tearing you apart, and I would say emotionall abusive.

 

It takes more then someone "not cheating and not hitting" to make a happy, successful, beautiful relationship.

[RooferGirl23]

, We are each other's first and (hopefully) last sex partners.

 

I persoanlly know several perople who are addicted to porn and they all have the same thing in commom... VERY FEW SEXUAL PARTNERS. alot of men who are shy sexually tend to like porn more, because its easier then having to interact with real live women. My father in particular is very addicted to porn. he is 53 and has only had 3 women in his whole life. thereforeeee, he sends his curiosity to all he is too shy to do to watching all kinds of porn. It kinda bothers his current wife, but she deals with it.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I have to comment.... i'm sorry if i'm too harsh...

 

you HAVE talked to him about it ..he has made promises to stop..but hasn't... he doesn't have the desire to have sex with you because he's paying for it online. He lies and says he's not doing it..but then leaves evidence that he is indeed doing it. He knows it affects your self esteem ...but still continues.

 

I'm sorry- i'm not about to make excuses for people or say "well at least he doesn't beat me"...you should have higher standards for yourself. Marriage is FOREVER... forever..- can you live with a man that would rather pay ...for pictures to get off on? can you FOREVER find yourself questioning why you are undesireable to the man you love? are you ok with not trusting that when you leave the house he's not online getting off to paid porn? Can you live with those worries FOREVER?

 

What about when you get married and his money dwindles ....you can't go on vacation, can't pay the mortgage, can't buy food...because he's spent all the money on porn sites? what then?

 

do you know there are websites you can go to and book a live "encounter" with a prostitute? It's not hard to do...all you need is a credit card.

 

Sweetie, please think about marrying this guy before you do it..... you can get over a broken heart...but once you marry this guy it's much much much more complicated.

[kellbell]

I was going to say the same thing...just because he doesn't hit you, cheat on you, talk bad about you, doesn't mean marry him or that everything is ok. There are a lot of guys I know that would never do things to me but I would not marry them. It's about that he does stuff that makes you uncomfortable and has fibbed about it. Apparently, this really bothers you. You need to talk to him about this. Marriage is forever and if things are a mess now, then what makes you think that things will get better later after you are married? Talk to him first.

[OceanEyes]

the major reason that we are not having sex a whole lot (as much as we have agreed that we would like to) because we don't want to get pregnant

Hmmm ... this isn't really a good reason to avoid intimacy. And I'm definitely not telling you what should be important in your relationship. It's obvious that intimacy is important to you, and that you're feeling worse and worse about not having it. That's understandable! However, there are just so many types of very reliable birth control out there these days Womack. To actually limit yourselves to a 'number' seems like a huge, elaborate excuse to avoid the real issue here.

 

This sentence is incredibly wise:

 

Sweetie, please think about marrying this guy before you do it..... you can get over a broken heart...but once you marry this guy it's much much much more complicated.

EXACTLY. If anything, getting married may pose even bigger problems because most people tend to feel much more comfortable. If he's more comfortable that you're not just going to be out the door if he does something distasteful, it's likely that he will never see a need to permanently change his behaviour. If you think you're unhappy now, wait 4 or 5 years. Marriage doesn't secure happiness, but it sure as hell makes life difficult if you want to leave the marriage for some reason.

 

I hate to say this, but your man sounds sexually LAZY. I agree with Beec, in that you have to work on things from time to time, but you've already made several attempts to do that. I believe that this is the one element of a relationship that should never take that much work. Some work, yes, but never so much emotional and mental energy that it leaves you hurt, exhausted and emotionally drained. Sex should be something that we feel and desire without having to masquerade as someone else, just to have the person interested in sleeping with you. You are who you are.

 

You may love this man and think he is even a "great man", but it's pretty obvious that you two are totally incompatible sexually. Most young men won't want to take their hands off of you. This is an issue that will haunt your thoughts daily - and you're saying that you would rather suffer that than be without him. I don't think you mean that. This type of issue will end up eating you alive in the years to come - think about that before you walk down the isle.