My gf for almost three years stopped having sex with me.

[willdation]

When we first started dating and going out, we had sex all the time. A year later we decided to move in with eachother and she never wants to have sex, and I mean only twice a year. Lately, she says it is because she switched birth controls a bunch of times and his messed up her menstral cycle, so she won't even let me go near her really. Occasionally we do 'mess around' but just do not have sex. One of her reasons was that she says she is catholic and feels like she is doing something wrong. However, I don't know id I really believe this because when we were first seeing each other we had sex all the time. This is really starting to confuse me and I feel that we totally lack intimacy which is what I feel is very important for any serious relationship. What do you think?

[lunatic]

Are you having any problems outside the bedroom? Are you fighting alot or just not getting along?

 

In my experience, when you get cut off it means the relationship is coming to an end.

[kellbell]

I am with Hubman on this one. Is there problems outside of the bedroom. I mean someone doesn't cut off sex just like that, there is usually a reason. Switching birth control may play a part but I don't think to that extreme. I think there may be more to this story.

[Beec]

OK, you have a problem. I am and have dated many Catholic women, and I know that premarital sex can be a problem for them and something they are not comfortable with. But that may not be the only issue here.

 

I think the first thing you need to do is stop seeking sex. If you look for it and try to get it from her, she may resist. If you are going to have an active sex life with her now, then you need to get her to want to have sex.

 

How far away are you from marriage in your mind?

[RayKay]

Well, it is true that birth control can mess you up, and affect your libido - though there are ways to address this with your doctor.

 

Twice a year from what I have read classifies as a "sexless relationship", and no that is not normal for a young couple as yourself! Even for an older couple, that's not normal!

 

I would wonder what your relationship is like outside the bedroom...when the sex goes down that dramatically for a long period of time, it is a good indication that something else is going on.

 

How do you approach here? What does she do when you initiate?

 

I do think this is a serious issue, once the intimacy goes, you lose a special connection, and intimacy, and I think you need to address this and discuss it with her. See if counselling is an option, or seeking a doctor out for a different birth control. Be direct, but non-confrontational, let her know how you feel, and that this is a serious issue and is jeapordizing your relationship.

 

While she may have issues with premarital sex, it seems odd it comes up NOW, and is a signal to me something else is going on.

[willdation]

hey...she brings up marriage and wants to get married within the next five years or so. How can you make her want to actively have it? Even if I take her out for dinner, clean up around the house, buy her flowers etc, it makes no difference. It's not that I need sex that bad, I am just confused as to why it ended and makes me question the future. I don't think I could be married to someone who dosn't want to be intimate. That's not my ideal marriage. It's basically came to the point where if I make out with her it feels kinda weird. I really like her a lot and I don't think I would want to loose her, but I really can't see me marrying someone who dosn't want to be intimate.

[Beec]

Look doing ncie thigns for her is one thing, but do you do these things all the time? Do you always give her attention? If you do, then you are probably a bit clingy, and that is not working for you, but against you. be independent and looaf, then be nice and affectionate. Don't be needy or clingy.

[kellbell]

I still am scratching my head over this one. It would be one thing if you guys have been dating for a few months, but three years and living together? Something still ain't sittin' right with me.

[lunatic]

Again I am with Kel on this one! There is something going on here more than what meets the eye. Are you sure that everything is OK outside the bedroom in your relationship?

 

I know that I would not be able to be in a relationship that had no sex. I mean thats where I feel the closest with the one I am with. I don't know how you do it but, if it's not that big of a deal then live with it. If you can't then maybe it is time to tell her how YOU feel in a nice way. Talk to her about it because it does not make any sense to me why she's talking marriage but will not sleep with you.

 

*scratches head and shrugs shoulders*

[Mun]

You really like her alot? You don't love her?

 

Are you affectionate at times without expecting it to lead to sex? So that she knows you care and it's not all about sex.

 

 

Something is definitely going on. From what you said about the birth control issues then this is something you have talked about. But I think there could be more to this....What is the rest of your relationship like?

[willdation]

If anything, I am not clingy and give her space. I am really independent and do my own things all the time. Even, when I do nice things for her I make sure that it isn't all the time to make it seem special and what not. And when I do nice things, I don't expect anything, nor do I get angry at all. It is just that after thinking about the situation on my own, I kinda feel that something is out of place. I even tried many times saying that I feel it is important even in a nice way and that if it was because of her birth control problems, I am totally ok with it. I know that something is probably going on, but I just am not sure what... Although, she mentioned a month ago that she may want to move out because she feels guilty that she is upsetting her parents and it goes against her Catholic values. Now, I'm not that naive and this makes me really question her true motives. I even told her, if it is because that she wants a break to figure things out, I am totally cool with it.......soooo....confusing

[willdation]

but she says that that is not the reason why and that she dosnt want to break up....... maybe she likes me AND someone else? who knows...

[Mun]

I didn't mean to imply that she's cheating. What I wondered is if she might be resentful towards you for something, or angry at you, and it's messing with your sex life. That's why I ask what the rest of your relationship is like.

 

Do you play around, flirt with each other still? Do you go out occasionally, stuff like that.

[xmrth]

I'm Catholic and stopped having sex with my boyfriend for maybe 3 years because it felt wrong. That and I was always afraid I was pregnant even with proper protection. But he never pressured me at all, although I did other things replacing sex which I was comfortable with. And then maybe 2 years ago I felt fine about it again all on my own, so maybe she just needs time like I did.

 

But wait, isn't the Catholic religion AGAINST birth control?? So she's using birth control but not having sex because of the religion issue?

[WildChild]

I'm with Mun, the whole "like" her a lot. Maybe it was a slip, but if you just "like" her that in itself poses the problem.

 

Everyone has concurred, as do I, that there is WAY more behind this. I am not trying to put evil, demon thoughts into your head but normally this means 1 of 3 things if not all 3: and not anything I would like to say

 

No, if this doesn't work for you ya gotta tell her that. Two times a year is not right, fair or normal.

[kellbell]

xmirth, I was thinking the same thing about being Catholic and birth control thing and the fact they live together. I am not Catholic but that's what I have heard, that's why I am scratching my head on this one. Somethin' ain't fittin'. I am not saying your girl is up to no good but something isn't right.

[willdation]

well...she says I dont clean up as much as I should around the house and the other day she said she resented me because I left dishes out...but I had two exams worth 35% of my mark and an essay to do...I'm tryin to go to med school and I need the A's, so when I am limited in time, chores are my last priority and I try to deal with them later. It's not like I don't do anything around the house either....I guess I'm going to say tell her I am not happy with the way things are going and that we really need to have a talk and figure things out........about the flirting and what not...that's pretty much gone...for now anyways...I guess if things don't work out, Im just gonna move on...I can't stand all the excuses.....but anyways..thanks for giving me your input!

[willdation]

What are those three things? Don't worry, I'm pretty strong so they won't hurt my feelings that much...just curious...because I've probably thought of them too!

[willdation]

I know..the whole Catholic argument I think is not the real problem because of those things...living with each other before marriage and birth control are against it...I even brought up those points..... See...the thing is that if she was being resentful towards something i am doing, why not tell me other instead of using your religion as an excuse? Dosn't that take waaayyy more effort? If it is just because of her faith, then fine. But considering all of those things....I don't really believe it....

[RayKay]

Not sure these are WildChilds 3 things but three I thought of would be:

 

Cheating

Losing/Lost Interest

Not Sexually Attracted

 

Of course, that could also end up being 5 things, or 1 thing, it could be MANY things, which is why you need to get to the bottom of things - and get a better answer and solution then "I'm having Catholic guilt" - if that is the case it still needs to be discussed rather then given as a "solution" that you have to just live with like it or not.

[Da5id]

Man...

 

I really don't want to speak up here, because I am not going to say anything that anyone wants to hear.

 

I will however preface this by saying these are only my expriences and may not apply to anyone but me.

 

I pay very close attention to intimacy levels in my relationships and in a healthy one, of course there are dips and valleys when it comes to everything, including sex.

 

But, if the physical intimacy has stopped, chances are the spark is gone and the relationship is surviving on convenience or the fear of being apart from eachother.

 

Now, you mentioned resentment at your helping out around the house. I would bet a lot of money that resentment in general is the root of this problem. But it might be misplaced... I sincerely doubt it's the dishes.

 

Either way, in my experience, this does not look good, and I believe that there is a threshold in relationships where they can become irrepairable.

 

Problem is, only you can decide whether you want to try and work it out.

 

Bottom line? She's not showing up dude. She is NOT participating in the relationship. Are you?

[Mun]

chores are my last priority and I try to deal with them later

 

Just be careful not to make your relationship a last priority or you might find yourself in the same situation again.

 

Sounds to me like she might feel a bit unappreciated--or as if she is taking on too much while you concentrate on school. If you want things to improve then you have to work at it too. I've heard psychologist suggest that men help around the house more to improve their sex life with their wives or gf. You might want to read into that...if it's important enough to you.

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Jut]

Going to that extreme is certainly preceded by lots of thought and circumstances. She might be feeling that you are not the right one or you dont care for her and/or she might be getting that appreciation from someone else. I think you should sit down wit hher and ask her frankly what is wrong. While doing this your job will be to listen and onyl listen. Once done , take some time off and think hard about where you are wrong.

Be away for some time. This can clear things up in a couple of ways. Either the spark will come back bcoz of distance or you might understand that this is not going anywhere and you or her or both are dragging this.

 

Whatever you do dont rush, listen , understand and then respond.

 

Good luck.

[annie24]

I dunno - something isn't sitting right with me either. So, after 2 years of frequent sex, she just decides she can't do it anymore? Is it just really because she wants to get married? Have you really talked to her about this? I think it's all rather strange. So, if you two were to get married, there would be sex everyday again?

 

I think you should have a long talk with your gf.

[willdation]

Actually, it was really only for the first year that we had sex. For the last almost two years we really havn't. Seriously, I don't think it is because I neglect her either, because I do do nice things often and even booked a trip for us to go to Montreal, Quebec for a couple nights, for something 'romantic' to do. Lately, she won't even really let me do anything to her either, because she's "had her period constantly for the last couple of months due to switching her birth control a lot of times." It's just kind of odd, because we sleep in the same bed! It's not like I'm 70 either. Actually, 70 year olds probably have more sex than I do. It's just soooo frusterating and I'm never getting a direct answer or reason. It's either due to her birth control messing her up, her religiou values, stress from school, my lack of doing dishes. She even was talking about moving out last month because she thinks it will make things better (her friend just got engaged..so maybe that could be why...i dunno). And when i said that moving out would kinda be like taking a step back in my opinion, she said then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.....I'm actually to the point where I want to maybe move on just because I am sooo confused...I've had lots of other gf's and NEVER had a problem like this one before...