Now what...ex questions?

[OCD]

Ok, some of you have read most of my sad story...I finally got the nerve to call her two days ago, second call in 3 months. It went well, but she continues to give mixed signals(ie why didn't you say hi to me in the store, when I did; how's did your date go, it wasn't a date; rain check on the coffee, what's that?; says you never know what can happen with us and she's not ruling anything out down the road; calling every week or two to check on me and then calls back after we hang up, that kind of stuff)...I finally hit the wall yesterday and was sooo angry at the fact I'm letting her make me feel this way and also realized that maybe she wasn't that good for me and is not treating me well now and I deserve so much more. So I have a couple of questions...should I just do strict NC going forward? I mean NO CONTACT at all, if she calls don't answer, if I see her again just smile and walk on by, I mean zip, zilch, nada....OR.....next time she calls tell her something along the lines of "don't call me anymore, this is not what I want, I never got the second chance I deserved, I'm the one getting hurt, you're not being very honest with me"....blah blah just being completley honest with her. I do love her, but after this time to reflect she's has been very selfish and only seems to want to talk when it's right for her, heck she won't even meet for coffee....says she'll take a rain check....what ever. I've been completley cool to her through this whole thing....no begging, pleading, never accusing her or blaming her how crappy she treated me at the end and now, always kept the conversations funny and upbeat like I couldn't be better...but I've come to a pointe where I'm upset with this person just "strining" me along. How do I go about just laying it on the line without sounding like a jerk to her?? I'm slowly getting over her; she calls and acts like she did nothing to me and I shouldn't be upset;she's very selfish right now, she did apologize a few weeks ago, but I think it's time for her to really know how I feel...is this a bad thing?? Should I just stick to NC and she'll get the picture?? Thanks.

[kellbell]

NC my friend, it appears you have taken a few steps backwards. You are not over her or your relationship enough to have any kind of contact with her without all the negative feelings that come along.

[OCD]

Kellbell, yes you're right I do have plenty of negative things to think about. It never really hit me until yesterday...I don't think my ex really knows how I feel about this whole thing...I've just played it cool...shouldn't she know how I feel or where I stand?? Or perhaps it doesn't really matter....thanks.

 

OCD

[Shadows Light]

Sounds like she's in the drivers seat and controling you. Pulling your strings. Holding on to the reins. And you are fighting the bit. Don't blame you. No one likes to feel this way.

 

NC is probably your best route. You are looking for validation and looking for her to say you are right. You may never get that. She's not meeting you half way at all. Or she's playing to many sides of the fence....and making you feel second rate and NOT worth her time or a priority.

 

I don't think anyone likes that or wants to feel that way. You are right.. a cup of coffee and a bit of honesty would go a long way.

 

No Contact. For your piece of mind. Step out of the circle... and the longer you are out of the circle, the better you will feel. The more in control of yourself and your emotions you will feel. Running into her later will have less affect on you.

 

Get yourself busy. Pick up a new hobby. Go do something for yourself... to feel good about yourself. Hang out with your friends and LIVE. Pretty soon... the longer you have NC things will become clearer.

 

Yes.. you still love her. You may always have feelings of Love for her. But you'll love her for the good times you "had" and the learnings and growth you shared. That feeling of love... will change a bit. Keep busy...and try not to think on it, focus your energies elsewhere.

[kellbell]

No, it should not matter if she knows where you stand and no it does not really matter to her. What matters is where you know YOU stand and where you are headed. To heck with her, she broke up with you, created all this drama for you and doing it now. NC will stop it and for your peace of mind, I strongly recommend you do that ASAP!

[OCD]

Thanks ShadowsLight...I appreciate it. I actually have been doing many great things and staying really busy. I've met three different girls, nothing serious, just meeting new people and getting back out there making new friends. I'm a pretty happy type person, always smiling But I figured I should stay in some sort of contact with her if I were to ever have another chance, that's why I've been talking to her every once in while, but I'm noticing that she is not being very nice and I'm the one still doing all of the work. Even a friendship is a two way street,,,why am I the one doing all of the work when she left me for no apparent reason. I'm going back to NC, I have voice mail She's not worth my time right now if it's only on her terms, that's not fare or right to me. I treated her so much better than this and still do, I don't know why I bother. I'm a very caring, loving, friendly, honest person, I guess that's why I get hurt. Oh well, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

[kellbell]

Good for you OCD, you are definitely heading in the right direction. You are doing great. Sometimes life throws us setbacks but it's a matter of getting focused again and move fowrward and you are definitely there. Cheers!

[OCD]

No, it should not matter if she knows where you stand and no it does not really matter to her. What matters is where you know YOU stand and where you are headed. To heck with her, she broke up with you, created all this drama for you and doing it now. NC will stop it and for your peace of mind, I strongly recommend you do that ASAP!

 

Thanks Kellbell...that's it, today is a new day. Done with her, period. Time marches on, one can't say I didn't try...her loss big time, perhaps some day she'll wake up and say to herself "those we great times with him, I miss those days...." I really thought I had a chance there, that's why I came to this board to find the best way to have a chance and keep hope alive...it's history now

 

OCD

[Mun]

Good for you OCD!

I'm of the opinion that anything short of " let's give this another shot" is just talk. All those "mixed messages" are just very clever ways of feeding her ego and her feeling "safe" that you are there, hanging on, in case everything else for her doesn't work out.

 

The clearest message you can give, to show her you know you deserve better, is absolute NC. It speaks volumes.

 

Love

[OCD]

Thanks Mun, that was very nice. Volumes are about to be spoken, thanks again.

 

I'm in Texas too

 

OCD

[OCD]

Hi all, ex just called about a half hour ago...I'm going crazy over here. I didn't pick up the phone, i held strong. I can't believe I did it, I was thinking just about all day about whether she was going to call me this week regarding the holiday. Knowing her I bet she just wanted to know what I was doing for the holiday this week...just curious as always. I'm trying to send a strong message to her that I'm not hanging on by a string and she can't just come and go (cake and eat it too) as she pleases. I'm the one that was hurt and continues to be hurt during this. I appreciate everyone's encouragement...the good folks here telling me to start up NC again gives me strength during this tough time. I thought about calling her back, but what good would that do?? Like Hun said anything other than let's work this out is just talk...thank you and wish me luck that I get through this week....

OCD

[kellbell]

Hi OCD!

 

Good for you for being strong. I know it can be hard but if you have a pretty good idea why she is calling (i.e. the holiday coming up) then there is no need to pick up the phone. I am sure she is not through with trying to contact you about this week. Are you going over your family's house for turkey day? Stay strong and hang in there, you are doing great.

[OCD]

Thanks KellBell, yes I'm going to spend the holiday with my family...it should be pretty fun...Hey, by the way, on the way to work I received another call from my ex. I didn't answer, but wanted to soooo bad. She didn't leave a message again, I hate that! That's two calls in two days...she must be thinking about the holidays and the special time we had last year. I know if I answered, I wouldn't be too happy with what she had to say so I don't think it's good for me to talk to her, right?...she's probably wondering what I'm doing for the holiday and I think her son is going with his dad so she might be alone...so who does she think to call. That's right they guy she dumped! How convenient I'm just guessing, but that's how her calls have been for the last month or so, just checking in on me and no 'real' talk and only on her terms, the heck with what I'm thinking right I really believe that NC is good for 'me' right now, this girl really needs to get the message and I hope she does. This will be a hard week for me especially that she is calling. Part of me wants to answer and the other part says "don't she'll only hurt you". Thanks.

 

OCD

[Echo]

Hey OCD...

 

I think you should pick up her NEXT call and talk to her. Tell her where you stand and that while you WANT to talk to her ..you can't. Tell her it's confusing to you and whie you wish her the best you just NEED to move on with your life. In MY opinion, your ex sounds as confused as you are. She may WANT to tell you she wants you back but is afraid of the rejection. Taking her calls and then ignoring her is no better than what she is doing to you....Cut to the chase and stop the games. Honesty is the best policy here. If she is faced with making a decision she will show you her TRUE intentions. Telling her you need to move on and to stop contacting you will put the ball BACK in your court and it will make you feel better about yourself. Sitting around waiting for her to make the decision for YOU is only going to keep making you feel out of control.

 

Again....only do this when SHE calls YOU again...

That's MY advice.

[OCD]

Thanks Echo...I understand your pointe, but, I'm pretty sure I've let her know where I stand. I talked about how I couldn't be "good friends" with her, you know the type that talk about who they're dating, etc. I can't do that for sure. Then I mentioned how our relationship derserved a second chance. This was a few weeks ago when I made that first call to her, I've only called her twice in 3 months. I said that we could step slowly back into the water and if she wanted to talk about it we could...I didn't go into great detail how painful it was, but I told her how difficult it was now to open up to her because I didn't want to get hurt again and that I still had feelings...so as for her feeling rejection, that's crazy! I left that door about as open as could be. I've tried to ask her to coffee, twice, got turned down and she asked for a 'rain check'. I still don't understand that. It seems like I've made several attempts at talking to her and she never quit opens up. I feel that I've given her opportunities many times only for me to only get hurt and get my hopes up...if she wants to work this out all she has to do is say so, or leave a message saying we need to talk, something...that's why most folks on this site as well as "all" of the people around me that care say to "let her come to you, you've done enough and now it's her turn". Am I wrong here, or what didn't I do right?? All I do know is that she dumped me, without really saying it, just left. Shouldn't she at least meet half way?? It seems like I'm continuing to give her space and work it out only to be upset...thanks.

 

OCD

[Echo]

I think 3 months is enough "space" for her to know what she wants. Maybe you should start dating again...I mean REALLY start dating. It doesn't mean it has to lead to a 'relationship"..but at least it will get you out there. Your ex needs to KNOW she could lose you..right now she is checking in on you once in a while to see if you're still there.."Just in case". I think you've done your part. You're not obligated to her anymore...and if it hurts her to see you with someone else..she needs to step up. Thats the bottom line. It's already been 3 months...before you know it it will be another 3 months and you'll still be in this hole. Don't do that to yourself.

 

If she asks what your doing...you have "plans"..if she asks with who, just say "someone I met". Her imagination will go nuts. IF she wants you back. If she doesnt...you will know that too.

[kellbell]

Yeah but if he doesn't pick up the phone, she will know for sure where she stands. His ex has been playing games for awhile now. Just because it is the holidays doesn't mean you have to get together with an ex, I mean they are your EX. They are your ex now, will be during the holidays and even after. Hang in there OCD, you are doing the right thing.

[OCD]

Ah yes dating, let's see it's been about two weeks when she called on a Friday night, I did say I had plans, etc. Of course she goes into the 'with who'. I said some friends, then she says 'guys or girls', At this point I felt like, "why does she want to know and is it her business?" So I said 'I'm going to meet a friend that happens to be a girl for a quick sandwhich, nothing serious at all, just friends" Which was the honest truth we're just friends and old coworkers that's it, promise! So we get off the phone because my friend is on the other line, the ex says I'll talk to you later, bye. About 3-4 mintues later the phones rings again and it's my ex, I said something else you want to talk about? I'm heading out. She says no. I said why did you call. She says oh nothing why can you talk to this person, but you can't talk to me, etc...why do you go to the gym now when you never went with me...I said there is no one in this world I'd rather talk to than you, but you've made this situation and I don't want to get hurt again. I'm trying to move on with my life, but I went through some tough times when all of this started and I don't want to feel like that forever. But I did say that I've been out a few times, etc. Nothing serious just going out and meeting new people and that I was feeling bad for a little while there and decided to venture out. This was her decision to 'maybe date other people' when she ended it which I objected to, but I had no choice. Other than that I have been on three dates in the last few weeks. I'm am done feeling like 'junk' after three months and I figured I need to start getting out instead of staying home wondering what my ex is doing. So bottom line is, I did tell her that I've been out, but am not seeing anyone serious right now. Since then I talked to her last Wed. to ask her out for some coffee, very nonserious phone call, just casual and I hope she would want to see me...NOPE! Rain check please! Then she calls last night and this morning, no message...I'm crazy about this girl, I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, but I'm doing all I can to stay sane over her, she's totally giving me mixed signals. Thanks.

OCD

[kellbell]

Hon, that's why NC is so important. If you were NC'ing her, then she would not have been all in your business. You don't need to explain ANYTHING to her, she your EX!!! Oh well if she doesn't like it. Too bad so sad.

 

She really wants to move on with her life, be with whom ever she wants while you still pine for her. That's bull!! Forget her, go out with many girls as you want.

[OCD]

Thanks Kellbell, that's how I feel and I'm starting to feel better about moving on. There are a few girls that want to hang out with me and are making efforts to talk to me, etc. That's making this feel better for sure, but there is that feeling of my ex still there, darn it. I love the violin guy, funny! I love my ex, but I can't do anymore than I've done. It's totally true though, my ex made this bed now sleep in it. What else is a guy supposed to do? I was always there for her, never looked at another women, nothing, just focused on her. And now look what happened and what she's doing. It's really unclear what's she's doing, but like you said, NC. She's know how to get a hold of me, she knows where I live and address. I've done all I could for this girl. Thanks for everyones honesty...have a great day!

 

OCD

[kellbell]

No, it's VERY clear what she is doing and why she is doing it. She wants to do what she wants while you pine for her and wallow in self-pity. It's an ego thing and it's power. That feeling of your ex still being there will fade once you stop all contact with her and it stays that way. Of course she is still there, she is still calling you. You're right, you have done everything for her to no avail, all the more proof she was not the one for you.

[lonelyfish]

OCD, I think your ex is using you for emotional support right now especially with the upcoming holidays. She probably has some feelings for you still but as she is still confused, and maybe a little lonely she is not thinking straight and is only confusing you at the same time. You need to keep your distance. You can call her back but keep it very short and don't bring up anything in regards to your relationship. My advice would just to call her back and wish her a good Thanksgiving and then go back to doing N/C. She needs time to be by herself and reflect on things. If you back away maybe in due time she can clear her head and realize what a great guy you really are.

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely...I appreciate your view. I don't think I can make that call to her this week or anytime soon and not sure if I'll pick up if she decides to call again. I do agree that I should keep my distance, but I'm finished with making any effort (ie 2 coffee invites to no avail). If she's lonely this week, what about me and the last 3 months?? I was lonely, but I knew she needed space so I gave it to her and didn't plead, beg,etc. Even though I wanted to really bad!! She cut me pretty deep so I rest my case with her. I got this one from Mun, but anthing short of "let's work this out" is just talk. I believe that and my ex will leave a message if she's serious, right? Thnx!

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

I think you have to do what you feel is best. I'm sure you're ex will try to contact you again. As for waiting to hear "lets work this out" from her, I don't think you can expect that to happen anytime soon. I do applaud you for not wanting to make any more effort. I'm at that stage as well and it feels like I'm finally starting to heal. Though I do have my times when I think about my ex and miss him. I've heard a lot about not calling the ex back after they have called no matter what. I believe that wouldn't work in my situation. We both respect one another and i think I would come accross as immature in his eyes if did not return his call though I have only talked to my ex once since our break.

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely...believe me this isn't what I want to do, but I really have no other choice at this pointe. The only way for me to send a message to her, other than what I've already done, is to go back to NC. I've thought about it, trust me and I really have no other move. I've tried chatting with her casually and it just doesn't feel right to 'me'...mixed signals, and I don't feel all that comfortable that she wants to know so much about me now. Why am I the bad guy here? I've done all that I could...asked her to coffee twice to no avail. I need to be stronger going forward. Thanks.

 

OCD