I'm moving to fast!

[Carolyn]

Hi people

 

I need some advice here... my bf (30 yrs) and I (27 yrs) have been together for about 10 months now. Things are going pretty well between us now, but we did have a rocky period a few months ago. We both have very different personalities and after the first honeymoon phase had past (about 7 months into the relationship), we both (but especially by bf) started to have doubts whether we would be compatible long term. This led to a lot of frustration and long difficult conversations, but in the end we decided to try the best we could to make our relationship work because we really love eachother. Now things have been really great for the last month or so, and I actually feel that all the talking has brought us closer together. Okay, so all is good, it seems..... well, not really, because now things are so good between us, I am actually already thinking about the next step... moving in together! We do not live very close to eachother and try to see eachother 3-4 nights a week. However, since we both have very active social lifes and both travel a lot for work, we sometimes don't see eachother for a week or longer. And I start to miss him more and more on the days that I don't see him... I would really love for us to move in together within the next 6 months or so. The other thing is that I am quite sick of the place I am living now and am planning to move next year, anyway. It seems silly to buy or rent a new place for just me, when I'd rather move in with my bf.....I haven't discussed this with my bf yet, and frankly, I'm quite scared to do so. I know he is a very cautious person and not someone to make quick decisions about this kind of thing. I am really, really scared that he will not be ready to move in with me and turn me down... so I need some advice.. what should I do?

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

Believe me, if he wanted you to move in with him, he would have asked you by now. I would go ahead and get your own place and sign a short-term lease. Some places offer 3, 6, 12 months leases and some even offer month to month. I dated a guy for 9 months, even gave me the KEY to his house but never even HINTED he wanted me to move in with him. Guys love their own space and their freedom. I would NOT bring it up if I were you. Unless you guys thought about finding a new place together to move into. Good luck and take care.

[Tigris]

Why don't you just explain to him that you're thinking of moving in the next 6 months and see if he volunteers to let you move in with him. That way he will think it's his idea instead of yours!

 

Good luck and take care.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

10 months isn't really that long.... moving in together is TOUGH... and if you rush moving into together it could ultimately ruin your relationship.

 

in my opinion i would wait....have the discussion in a few months.. and see how you both feel about it...it's a big step.

 

living with someone is HARD- it's not all fun and cuddles on the couch at night.

 

Enjoy the dating process!!

[RayKay]

Given the recent rockiness, and his expression of doubt, I think you should hold out on any moving in quite yet, and make sure there is something established there first.

 

Not sure what he is feeling yet, but it might not be "not doubt" quite yet, and moving in together if he feels like that may not be the best of plans. You would also need to be sure you were moving in together for the shared goals - what if he moved in to test whether he really wanted to be with you, and you moved in with expectation it would mean a marriage in a year - what would happen if those did not meet up?

 

Take your time, it's still early, but more so, you need to keep building what you have first. I would let him know that you are making plans to move to another place next year, but don't hint that he should move in with you or anything. Make plans to find a place where you can maybe sign a short term lease or even one which is easily sublet.

 

It's a big step, and really both people should be on the same page...given the "doubts" were pretty recent, this may not be the case yet.

 

I think if he felt on the same page right now about moving in, he would of let you know somehow by now that he wanted to (my boyfriend let me know when he was ready for it!). Give it time.

[Carolyn]

Thanks guys for all the advice. I know it is probably a little fast to discuss moving in, especially after the recent doubts we had.

The thing is that I have my own appartment now (bought it 5 years ago) but I don't like the city I am living in anymore. I like the city he lives in much, much better (was actually thinking of moving there before I met him), but I'm afraid finding an afforable yet reasonable rental place is just impossible there. Anyhow, I own my own place now, so I guess you all understand I am not that keen on renting anymore. So basically I have only 2 options when I really want to move: moving in with him or buying my own new appartement (which I would have to keep for a few more years of course, which would mean that moving in within the next few years would be hard)

Sooooo... I think the wisest thing for me would be to wait a few more months to see how things are going and then bring up that I want to move and see what his reaction is.

What do you think?

The other thing is that I would really like to see him a bit more often... at least spend the night more often. Do you think this is something I could bring up?

[RayKay]

Sooooo... I think the wisest thing for me would be to wait a few more months to see how things are going and then bring up that I want to move and see what his reaction is.

What do you think?

The other thing is that I would really like to see him a bit more often... at least spend the night more often. Do you think this is something I could bring up?

 

I think that is wise. If you already own your own place, there is no rush really - you can sell it now, or sell it later, right?

 

The latter part, well, I would feel him out more. Of course it is normal to want to spend more time with him, but I guess you need to also think of the logistics of this and such...3 to 4 days a week when you are also dealing with distance is quite a lot to handle. I think it is fine to discuss, as long as you are not bringing it up in a pressure situation. I.E. mention that it sure sucks leaving him at night for a long cold drive back home and would love to be able to keep him warm through the night more often.

[kellbell]

I would dicuss it, it would not hurt. If you 2 have been dating exclusively for 10 months and you would like more, then by all means, talk about with him. You have your needs too.

 

I would wait on the apartment thing until you know for sure where your relationship is heading. It sounds like a lot of work and adjusting on your behalf if you move out of the city you are in. Good luck.

[Carolyn]

I think I didn't make myself clear enough in my last post. I always spend the night with him when we see eachother and then drive from his place to work (about 45-60 minutes) in the morning (we live in a densily populated area in Europe where cities are not that far apart, luckily ).

Or the other way around, of course, when he visits me. So we have eachothers house keys and he usually he visits me 1 evening (+night) during the week, and I try to spend most of the weekend at his place, depending on other plans we have.

 

Most of the other nights we have other engagements (sport, work, friends etc) in our own cities. So I can't really complain about the amount of time we spend together I suppose... It's just that after spending a few nights with him, I really miss him when I come home at night in my empty appartment. I don't want him to spend all his evenings with me, I am quite busy with other things myself, but I would just LOVE it when I could just sleep next to him after a fun night with friends. Well, I guess you all know the feeling

 

It would be hard to do that, logistically, for instance it would mean driving to eachothers place late at night more often, but I suppose I could bring it up to see if he would be up for it. I suppose it is only reasonable to express my need in our relationship, but I just don't want to put any pressure on him (after all, he IS a man who needs his space from time to time )

[ratherbesailing]

Carolyn - We are guys and we are terrible mind readers and we aren't always great planners. You need to be specific with us. Just let him know you aren't happy where you are at and you like his area better and then ask if he'd be okay with you moving in full time for a while. Tell him what you told us, you don't want to give up all your freedom or take away his but you'd like to snuggle in after a night out. Let him know you'd like to help with expenses, he'll like that idea. A simple yes or no question with no hidden agenda, we like those. You sound aware enough of his feelings to bring up the idea without any applied pressure.

 

He might say no but, at 30, he just might be thinking he'd like to have you around more to. Could you rent out your apartment so he knows you have a backup if it doesn't work out? It will work out, but he might need the illusion of having a fall back position.

[Carolyn]

ratherbesailing, thanks for the 'guys point of view' on this one. I know that guys are not mind readers, so I know I will probably be the one to bring this up at some point. I am quite sure that he is happy with the situation as it is, but I am not really. Like this week: he is visiting a friend in Paris for 4 days, which is perfectly fine by me, but taking into account our busy schedules it means we don't see eachother for a full week. If we would live together it would be much easier for me, knowing that after 4 days I would see him again. Next week we both have plans with friends in the weekend, so I doubt we'll see eachother more than 2 nights.

And yes, it would be more than possible to rent out my appt. it's even possible to keep it on for a while without renting it out, that would be a even better back fall position

Well, since I still feel it's too early to actually move in, I think I'll discuss the possibility of just spending more nights together with him next week...