Told person I'm dating I spoke to ex

[antigravity]

Hey everyone,

 

It's been over 2 months since my ex broke up with me (after 5 years), and at first was really hurt, but have been feeling great lately.

 

I was really enjoying myself with friends as a single guy, and 2 weeks ago, met a great girl who I've been talking to almost everyday, and seeing when I can.

 

Now I spoke with my ex today (via email), just to have a catch up chat and to let her know that I think i'm ready for us to be on speaking terms because I'm not angry or upset anymore. She was happy to hear from me, and we emailed back and forth about what we've been up to. It was really good, and I didn't feel angry or upset when I heard she's doing well. In fact I was happy for her. It felt strange, but awesome at the same time, knowing it didn't upset me.

 

Anyway, I thought I'd do the right thing and tell the new girl that I spoke with the ex today. I told her what I said above, and she gets back to me and says it made her upset and she might be abit distant?! She said she's not angry, but I don't need to tell her about what happens with me and my ex.

 

I apologised and said that definitely wasn't my intention, but I just wanted to be open and honest with her. I told her that I don't want to be friends, or get back with the ex, but I just want us to be on good terms (we have mutual friends so we run into each other sometimes).

 

I hope I haven't made a mistake in being honest... Do you think I have?

[Danny2112]

not at all, im in the same situation and i think you should still speak to your ex. maybe talking about it to your current girlfriend is a bad idea cause she can see it differently because girls twist everything we say. by that i mean we mention it just for no reason and they take it as uve been thinking about your ex and now ur kinda dangling it in fronta them or your rubbing in their face something

[polaris]

I think you did the right thing telling her, although it's important to be relatively casual when you do. People will react differently to the news, but by and large this is a learned reaction situation, i.e. your gf will react to some degree how she thinks you're expecting her to react. If you make a big deal out of it, or sound even slightly guilty, she'll take that as a cue to react badly.

 

It was right to tell her though; these things have a habit of slipping out at some point anyway, and it's much better not to be in the situation later on of having to explain why you didn't mention if before.

 

Don't worry, she'll come round pretty soon by the sounds of it.

[antigravity]

Well she's basically said that she doesn't mind me talking to my ex, but she doesn't want to know about it, if I do.

 

I told her that I would feel wrong speaking to the ex behind her back. That's why I told her.

 

Man you know what? I'm really annoyed. I do the right thing, and she gets p!ssed.

[Juha]

Anti,

 

No matter what we do we do wrong...We do the right thing and we pay...

We do the wrong thing we pay...

 

Can't win no matter what and why I am done with anything serious for a long, long, long time........

[antigravity]

Anti,

Can't win no matter what and why I am done with anything serious for a long, long, long time........

 

Think you've made a wise choice...

 

If she doesn't get over it quickly, it's over. I don't care. I don't want to be with someone who gets upset when I'm honest!

[Hawk]

Not fair - you get nailed for being honest and if you hadn't said anything and she found out you get nailed for keeping secrets.

[antigravity]

Thanks guys for backing me up. I felt bad at first.. But stuff it. I did the right thing. If she doesn't want honesty, she can be with someone else.

[acuraman]

I would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes because it means that I have nothing to hide from my new g/f.

[bemyself]

Anyway, I thought I'd do the right thing and tell the new girl that I spoke with the ex today. I told her what I said above, and she gets back to me and says it made her upset and she might be abit distant?! She said she's not angry, but I don't need to tell her about what happens with me and my ex.

 

I apologised and said that definitely wasn't my intention, but I just wanted to be open and honest with her. I told her that I don't want to be friends, or get back with the ex, but I just want us to be on good terms (we have mutual friends so we run into each other sometimes).

 

I hope I haven't made a mistake in being honest... Do you think I have?

I think you did the right thing by telling your new girl how your relationship stands with your ex. Remember this is a new girl, and you don't want to upset her by talking about your ex. I totally believe that honesty should play a big part in a relationship, but sometimes being too honest may hurt your relationship as well.

 

For example, bringing up some things about a past relationship may give your new girl the wrong idea that you are still in love with her. You don't want to go there. I think you are on the right track in your new relationship by being honest and open. Just don't bring up your past relationships. You already told your new girl where you stand with your ex and that is good enough. If she wants to know what you did today, then let her know. Otherwise, don't go too much into it (about your ex), because you already know that it will only upset her more.

[antigravity]

Yeah well I never knew she would get upset about me saying what me and my ex spoke about.

 

She was actually quite rude when she told me she was upset. Didn't thank me at all for being honest. What she said annoyed me, but the way she said it didn't help.

 

I won't tell her anything again about my ex, but I didn't want it to be like that.

 

She says she can get jealous, and that's why she doesn't want to know. But then she says she doesn't mind me talking to my ex? Doesn't make sense if you ask me.

[bemyself]

She says she can get jealous, and that's why she doesn't want to know. But then she says she doesn't mind me talking to my ex? Doesn't make sense if you ask me.

 

Your new girl sounds insecure in the relationship and too wishy washy. Maybe you may consider just being friends for now, and not a "couple" yet until you two get to know each other better. I still think you did the right thing by being honest with her. I hope everything works out for the both of you.

[PocoDiablo]

Now I spoke with my ex today (via email), just to have a catch up chat and to let her know that I think i'm ready for us to be on speaking terms because I'm not angry or upset anymore. She was happy to hear from me, and we emailed back and forth about what we've been up to. It was really good, and I didn't feel angry or upset when I heard she's doing well. In fact I was happy for her. It felt strange, but awesome at the same time, knowing it didn't upset me.

Why did you do this? Are you still thinking about her? Do you think your girlfriend might think the same thing I just said? What do your actions tell her? "Hey, I broke up with this woman who I was with for 5 years, and I don't care for her anymore, but I emailed her anyway because I am not worried about what you think. I don't care enough about you that my talking to other women worries me. If you dump me, it's not a big deal. You're less important to me than my ex." Does it say something like that?

 

Anyway, I thought I'd do the right thing and tell the new girl that I spoke with the ex today. I told her what I said above, and she gets back to me and says it made her upset and she might be abit distant?! She said she's not angry, but I don't need to tell her about what happens with me and my ex.

Well, duh! She's right on! You just slapped her in the face! You totally disrespected her and her connection to you. In fact, I think you did a lot of harm to her trust and bond with you. If you really cared about her, you would never have done anything with any other woman that might have upset or offended her. And if it were so innocent, you would not have brought it up - in her mind. I bet she thinks you brought it up because you were feeling guilty. (No matter is this is true, I bet she thought about it.) Is it possible that she thinks you are considering going back? Maybe she thinks you might cheat?

 

Of COURSE she's distant! She's pulling back because she knows (even if it's not true) you are thinking about going back to the ex and dumping her, so why would she put any effort into being with you?

 

I apologised and said that definitely wasn't my intention, but I just wanted to be open and honest with her. I told her that I don't want to be friends, or get back with the ex, but I just want us to be on good terms (we have mutual friends so we run into each other sometimes).

Yeah, but you made the first step. You were thinking about the ex. Good terms or not, this is not something you should have done over email and on your own. This is something you should do in person, with your girlfriend present, and all you have to do is be polite. "Hi Cindy, how are you?" "That's nice." and then move on to someone else.

 

I hope I haven't made a mistake in being honest... Do you think I have?

Honest? No. Talking to your ex and then telling your GF about it? Oh yeah, that was a BIG mistake.

 

Do you want to know about her ex, and how great he was in bed, how well endowed he was, how special he made her feel, and how she was so in love with him? I sure don't! And women are a lot more sensitive about that kind of stuff than men anyway.

 

You need to tell your GF that you realize you made a grievious error, a serious error of judgement, and sincerely apologize. You need to tell her that you spaced out and did not think about what a slap in the face it was to her. You need to tell her it will never happen again because you care so much about her (new GF) and would never do anything to risk ruining the relationship.

 

Then you need to give her all the space and time she needs to think about it and understand you are for real. Don't push her, don't hurry her, and don't start buying gifts or doing favors. Let her make the decision based solely on who you are and what you stand for. Let her make an honest decision.

 

I wish you the best of luck, you're going to need it!

[annie24]

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute here - maybe your new girl had a bad experience in the past. Maybe she was dating a guy who was constantly talking about his ex or some female friend, but said there was nothing going on. And then after some time, the guy confessed that he was really still in love with his ex or female friend. (I've been in this situation before )

 

Maybe when you told her about talking to the ex, she had a flashback of such a moment and thought, "Oh no! Not again!!!"

 

If she's asked you not to talk about her ex to you, then respect her wishes from now on and don't.

 

good luck with the new girl!

[annie24]

PocoDiablo has some very good points there. If my new bf told me that he just talked to his ex of 5 years, I would be a bit concerned - well, more than a bit - that he still had feelings for her. I personally would question if I want to be in a relationship with a man who may not be over his ex. That is just my point of view.

[RayKay]

You know, I think she was less upset about finding out you spoke to her, as she was about hearing the details about it - knowing you had talked to her is one thing, knowing you exchanged emails several times, and it was really positive and you felt good about it was probably a slap in her face.

 

Your mistake was not in being honest, I think the mistake was in not being considerate in how you presented it to her.

 

The fact is she has only known you a couple weeks, right, she already feels how is that going to compare at all to FIVE years, and it's only been two months since things ended. And you telling her you have been talking to her probably made her question your feelings for your ex, versus her. Being reminded of that is not exactly going to boost her ego of flatter her - even if it is being honest.

 

Look, I am not opposed to friendships with ex's, and I think that now she is aware of it, you need to be respectful of her wishes. She probably does not want to here all the details of it or what you talk about. Maybe she has been hurt in the past, or maybe she feels she can trust you without having to know every detail. However even contact with ex's should be respectful and above board, if you have not been in contact, you emailing her was probably a signal to her that there were still feelings there - it not a just "ran into her moment" or anything, or her emailing you..you actually had to make decision to email HER. Maybe your new girl feels like she may just be a "ploy" to win your ex back now...you email her NOW that you have a new girl?

 

Yes honesty is good, but so is respect and consideration for how she may have felt and viewed this situation.

[lillady898]

If someone told me that he still talk to his ex, probably the first thing that would cross my mind is: "Why is this guy trying to make me jealous?" My thoughts on the situation are likely from past experiences. I've had a couple of guys try to pull this on me in attempt to make me jealous, and if anything, it just annoys me.

 

If the girl wanted to know, then it's very important to tell her the truth. But otherwise, I don't think most girls that you're just beginning to date would even really care to know. That's something I think you wait for until your relationship begins to get even a little serious.

[antigravity]

Ok.. It's good to hear the different opinions, and thanks everyone, even those that say it was a stupid thing to do. Maybe it was?!

 

I dunno, but I did apologise to her, and told her that I like her a lot, and only want to be with her. She said she knows I like her, and she doesn't feel insecure about that. I think she just didn't want to hear the details of our conversation. And in that sense I stuffed up. We've only been together for 2 weeks, and I didn't think she'd get jealous. Honestly. But that's probably just me being stupid and naive.

 

But she should be a bit more understanding about it. She could have been a bit more friendlier in the way she responded. She wasn't appreciative that I was trying to be honest. Yeah I may have made a mistake, and it won't happen again, but she could have been nicer to me. I wasn't doing it to make her jealous. I just felt bad talking to my ex without her knowing.

 

Anyway, I apologised, said that I didn't realise it would hurt her, and that's the last thing I intended to do. The ball is in her court now. If she wants to end it over something like that, then I'm fine with that. I'll move on and continue living my life. But if it were up to me, we'll have a quiet chat about it and have a nice cuddle. I want her to know I only want her.