Should I still love her?

[imtired]

About 9 months ago, my relationship ended. We were together for 6 years - on and off. I was madly in love with this girl throughout the relationship, and could not picture a day without talking to her. It's been 9 months and still I think about her all the time. I know i should get over her because life moves on. But it's extremely difficult. About 6 months ago I found out she cheated on me during our relationship with my best friend. When she broke up with me, I did what many men do when their women break up with them - beg and cried. I even gave her $3700 for back surgery. I know, I'm an idiot. Throughout our relationship she had broken up with me often because she does not feel i fit the ideal mold of a boyfriend. She wants the perfect man, I can respect that. Everytime she broke up with me, she goes off and find another guy to be with. I'm just at a lost for words. How could love be like this. Cheating, backstabing, lying, for what? Sometimes, actually I always feel that love is blind. My best friend, who is girl, tells me that I need to get over her. But how can I, there is so much history. I know everything in life happens for a reason, but what can the reason possibly be. I know there are people out there who have a worsier experience than me in dealing with a relationship. I'm so confused. Should I make an attempt to befriend her despite our past or should I just forget about her completely. I hate the fact that I still think about her when I know there are better people out there. Her birthday is coming up pretty soon and I don't know if I should call her just to say Happy Birthday. She's not a bad person; she's just a little unsensitive I guess. Love, love is blind.

[heartbroken84]

Six years, I just can't believe how people change? I was with my ex for 2 years. However, I did some mean things, and we fought a lot. Yet 5 months down the road, and knowing that he has been with other women. Blah, I still ask for a second chance. But they have moved on. Sadly. I don't know how to let go either. First got to figure how to remove our pics off my computer. And take him off my buddy list and stuff. As far as a Happy Birthday goes, from my experience, let it go. It doesn't matter, they are just going to get an ego boost from it. The more you move on and the more you better your life. I think this is when they will see what they have missed out on. Don't be a doormat, I've been one for a month and it sucks. Difficult indeed, but we can help eachother.

[Serendipity1607307077]

You can still love someone even after you break up with them - but I think you should probably leave her well alone, and give yourself time to get over what she did to you. It might have been a while ago, but the wound is still there and remains there until you give it a chance to heal.

[heloladies21]

Dude, never get down on yourself for your feelings because those are something you can't control, but your actions are. Don't contact her ever again. Don't let her contact you. Infidelity is the most unforgivable thing in this whole world. She is a bad person and you need to realize this. You will find someone better than her 100% for sure.

[langford]

You are the only one who will suffer if you cling to something that wasn't meant to be.Life is too short to pine for things that aren't meant to happen. Who knows how many great things pass us by because we're too busy worrying about getting something or someone that just wasn't meant to be.Too many people waste years of their lives waiting for something that never comes. When someone really loves you, there is no question about it - no mistaking it - they let you know in no uncertain

terms,they dont hurt you over and over again. To settle for anything less than true respect and love degrades you.

[Nicesmile]

I cannnot pass judgement on what you feel coz I have been in the same boat where someone has hurt me but I am still there. I was still cooking for my BF even after he dumped me, and he didn't say no to a last tango either, but the next day he was so cold.... I didn't like that pathetic woman at all... and am ashamed of who I was after the breakup. I told him that before I left and I have not had any contact though he lives down the road. NONE. You are a great guy, deserving love and respect. Don't let her play with your feelings. Command her respect or let go...

[BillyJean714]

I'm one to believe that "love isn't a choice." You don't choose the people you love. It just happens. Either you love a person, or ya don't.

 

It's pretty obvious that you still love this girl. You truly love her unconditionally. Maybe you won't ever truly stop loving her, but I think that you can at least try to.

 

First of all, you're stuck just thinking "in the moment." How about changing your way of thinking, just for one second. In 20 years, do you see yourself loving someone else? In 20 years, even if she's not in your life, can you really imagine yourself falling in love? Maybe it's not the best time to ask yourself this, but most definitely, if you can fall in love with her, you will fall in love, again. Hopefully, the next time around, with "the right person." You're at a point where you're still attached. Detach yourself a little.

 

So what if it's her birthday? So what if she's not a bad person? Sure, she's not a serial killer, but to me, she's not a good person for cheating on you with your best friend. She could've at least ended things with you, instead of remaining deceitful. I don't like people like that. Just my personal opinion. Don't mean to offend you. But seriously, you DESERVE someone 10x's better. Sure, I don't know her side of the story, but still. You loved her that much, and she still cheated on you?

[ShySoul]

imtired,

 

BillyJean is right when she says that love is not a choice, it just happens. You can't control who you love, you just do. There isn't any way to make the feelings go away, and somewhere in your heart you will always love her.

 

I know just what you are feeling. This year I experienced my first love, something more emotional and passionate then I had dreamed of. I really do care for her and want to be with her. But she wasn't ready to return my feelings that deeply. Many of her actions, looking back, should have told me that things would not work. But I tried to make it work. I figured those were bumps in the road, everything would be perfect in the end. Long story short (too late), things went sour. Doh! #-o

 

As much as I should probably not like her and stop loving her, I just can't bring myself to doing that. Because I really do care about her as a person, my love is real and lasting. I'm trying to deal with the idea of us not being together, even though its hard and part of me still wants to believe it will work out in the end. That's natural and you should let the process of grieving take its natural course. On the other hand, don't accept how she treated you. She should not have cheated on you, and you shouldn't just take it. Try to classify your feelings. You can love the person and want the best for them, while not accepting their actions and realizing that you are better off without being with her. In love, both parties have to be willing to commit with all their heart and soul. She wasn't ready for that. It's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. So try not to feel to bad.

 

I also get how you feel about not thinking you'll find anyone else. A friend has tried to help me by saying just what Billyjean said, that you will love again and you'll love someone better. I know it seems impossible right now, that you'll never have anyone and no one can compare to her. But you will find someone, you just have to believe in it.

 

Hope you feel better my brother in losing out on relationships with someone who took us for granted and treated us poorly. May we find stronger, better loves.

[Dating Coach]

don't accept how she treated you. She should not have cheated on you, and you shouldn't just take it.

 

This is right. You shouldn't accept how she treated you, it was wrong and she has no excuse. Having said that, I have to say that I understand. It happened because you were far more into her then she was you... let me rephrase... It happened because she knew you were far more into her then she was into you. You gave her everything, you treated her like and angel and asked for nothing in return. That is a fatal flaw.

 

You see this all of the time with guys like you. These guys who have been cheated on and are heartbroken always seem to say that they treated her like an angel. What about you?! What about your needs and wants? This girl would dump you, cheat on you, etc and you always took her back. Shame on you. If you are going to keep disrespecting yourself like this then what makes you think she won't disrespect you too? She knows that you will take her back, she knows that you are wrapped around her finger. She doesn't love you, she doesn't respect you. If you truly love someone you do not cheat on them and you do not abuse what they are offering you. You loved her, would you have ever cheated? No way. But you know what? You don't love yourself. That's why you cheated on yourself by constantly putting up with her disloyalty and abuse. This is a fact.

 

To really have a true and loving relationship then the relationship needs to have 2 kinds of love. Love of your partner-you got that part-but also love of yourself. If you truly love yourself then you will not tolerate someone who abuses you. You would respect yourself too much to allow someone to take advantage of you. Also, if you don't love yourself, then your partner can't truly love you either.

 

What I would suggest doing is to start rebuilding your love of self. You know that you have a lot of love to offer someone, but for them to be worthy of receiving it, they must treat you with the same kind of love that you give them. If you let them take advantage of you then all you do is set the stage for the same thing to happen again. To have a truly successful relationship you must have the ability to end that relationship. If you cannot end the relationship, then your partner holds all of the cards and they will abuse them-even unintentionally. If your partner wrongs you or doesn't live up to being and equal with you, then you must call it off and find someone who will. Only then can you truly be happy.

[ShySoul]

You don't love yourself. That's why you cheated on yourself by constantly putting up with her disloyalty and abuse. This is a fact.

 

That's harsh. He is clearly hurting and the last thing he needs to here is that it is a fact that he doesn't love himself. No one wants to be told that they don't love themselves and it is more likely to send him into further depression as he'll beat upself up over past mistakes. Yes, acknowleding that you made mistakes is one thing and is important. But to be so blunt and harsh doesn't help anyone.

 

Imtired, as I said I know what you are going through. It wasn't that you didn't love yourself cause I know that you do. I think it was more the fact that you honestly loved her and saw the things you had always hoped you would find. All the good in her, and I'm sure there was plenty, outweighed the bad. You looked at them as aberations. You probably saw deep inside her and could understand the past experiences that may have lead her to the kind of person she was with you. You wanted to help her deal with issues, wanted to help her become the wonderful person you know she is deep down. Unfortunately she wasn't ready for that and didn't appreciate all you did.

 

It wasn't that you didn't love yourself. It's the opposite. You loved her more then she was able to handle, more then she was ready for. You shouldn't feel bad about that.

 

Yes, you do need to love yourself. But you shouldn't do it by looking at the past as a matter of who had control. You shouldn't do it by thinking you didn't love yourself. Cause really, how is telling yourself that what happened was because you didn't love yourself, going to make you love yourself more? Instead look at it as you loving her more then she could handle. You will see that you have so much love to give, and that with a more suitable person things will go great. It will help your confidence as you will see that most of the mistakes were her fault. She's the one cheating. She's the one who wasn't ready. Why beat yourself up over that? Yes, I know its not easy and that those feelings of what if you had done something differently, the desire to hate yourself for this... they will reappear over and over. It takes time. But you need to focus on the positives in life, not look at the negative things you may or may not have done.

[notmyself24]

Gee, love is so fickle- I even od'd when my first love left me- I was trying to save him from himself b/c he was an alcoholic- I gave him so much love & understanding for 4 years of my life. Then, one day he left me b/c I stopped him from going to bars & binge drinking. he once told me that he would NEVER stop drinking- not even for me, his first true love. I hurt so bad, I feel into serious depression. He was put on meds soon after & months later came looking for me at my college! He was the type who could stay in bed 2 weeks staright- so I gave him another chance & 6 months later I broke up with him for good- I forgave him about the past, afteall he was my first love. But, I never will take him back ever- he tried to weasle himself backinto my heart: helping me out with my (now) ex, but I let him know where I stand.

 

Its amazing how we can love someone so much for an amount of time, then it hits you that it will not last- I have been on boths sides of the fence & it hurts like hell either way- I guess its how you handle it & how each individual deals with loss & heartache.

 

Hang in there. You will do better- please believe me: take it from someone who has settled too much! peace.

[imtired]

I must admit that I did go through a time of depression. It took me about 3 to 4 months to not feel the pain anymore. The pain that i felt when i heard that she cheated on me was unlike any pain that i've ever felt before. It felt as though someone was hammering in a 10 foot needle into my heart. During that time, i really felt like committing suicide. I had nothing to look forward to, and the years felt like a complete waste. But oddly enough, sometimes when you fell like you are completely over someone, something happens that just brings back memories. And because of the fact that something happened, you subconsciously feel as though God is sending you a message. A message that implies that you and your ex are meant to be together. Love have messed up so many people, it's completely ludicrious and yet it's the one thing that people needs. A part of me tells me to that i need to grow up and not let the past affect me so greatly, yet there is another part of me that tells me that love is unconditional. I guess because of my belief in how love should be, I'm afraid to love someone again. I don't want to be hurt. I tried being friends with my ex, but time and time again she disappoints me. She once told me that she is dating two guys at one time because she wants to test the water. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "how could i be friends with someone like this." Unfortunate for me, a little part of me is falling for my best friend, but I don't want to do anything about it because of the experience I had with my ex. I guess it's true that men and women cannot be bestfriends without having someone falling for the other. I really wish that when people get into relationships they remain truthful to one another. NO backstabbing or cheating, just be complete honesty.

[ShySoul]

Everything you said is exactly how people feel and the thoughts that go through there head when they are in this kind of situation. It was like you were writing my own thoughts. The pain is unbearable, it makes you want to give up on love forever. You can be perfectly fine, and then out of nowhere you feel like dying again. I wish there was an easy way to make it stop. But there isn't.

 

The women clearly doesn't have any idea what she really is looking for. This really is a reflection on how messed up she is, not on how you messed you. She is empty right now, as much as she tries to hide it.

 

Don't let this scare you into not seeking love again. If you think you are strong enough and ready, see what is there with your friend. But if it is too painful, don't try to force something you are not ready for. It's a matter of looking at yourself and being honest with yourself. Is it that you aren't ready for dating, or are you ready but are holding yourself back out of fear?

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that they get better with time.

[BillyJean714]

I guess it's true that men and women cannot be bestfriends without having someone falling for the other.

This is very true, especially if one bestfriend finds the other person physically attractive, while the other person finds them emotionally attractive. I think that for this very reason, it's often hard for the oppossite sex to truly maintain a platonic bestfriend relationship. One way or the other, one person is bound to fall for the other person. Platonic bestfriend relationships like that can only truly be platonic, if there is no attraction (emotional and/or physical) at all. None, whatsover. If there is and people deny there isn't any attraction, they're just lying to themselves. That's how I see it.

I really wish that when people get into relationships they remain truthful to one another. NO backstabbing or cheating, just be complete honesty.

I feel the same way too.

 

I'mTired & ShySoul- I just want to tell you guys one thing- if the ladies that you guys were dating did not treat you right, if they did not reciprocate the same feelings, it's really time to move on and think only the best for yourselves. Why? Because these girls are not sitting at home crying over this. I'm sorry, but that's a fact. I know how it feels to completely be over someone and move on. I've been in a relationship where I got so fed up with my ex that I moved on. In the back of my mind, sure, I was sad about our 4 year relationship ending, but my mind was already pretty set on leaving him and moving on.

 

But my reasons for the breakup is different from what happened with the ladies you were with. Apparently, their actions aren't showing too much that they really give a damn. Especially for you I'mTired. Especially if she's going to be sleeping with your bestfriend. She's obviously more into him. Aren't you mad at him for backstabbing you? I would be.

 

You guys really should focus on 'healing' right now. I know a person who's going through something similar to you guys. He's crying, waiting up for his ex, sending her flowers, doing all of these nice things, and for what? Is it true that people want what they can't have? In his case, I really feel bad for him, because I know his ex, and she's having the time of her life- that's for sure. She's not sitting there moping about it. If I can give him one advice: I would tell him to "Move on and realize you deserve better. Focus on you. That's what's most important. Don't dwell. Stay focused on healing, and then you'll realize you don't need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you."

 

I hope you guys can benefit from my advice, as well. Hope this helps. Realize that pain is ONLY temporary. Hang in there!

[notmyself24]

I agree with Billjean- once we women make up our minds to walk- we are gone- I would say that when we love a man, we have infinite patience, but we are only human with limits- once our heart/mind are out of it, that means we fought long & hard about leaving 7 trust me, it isn't over night, I am talking months & possible years b/c we always want to gove another chance.

 

However, in your case(s) you just met the WRONG women, you both see like good guys tha deserve much better. Take care

[ShySoul]

BillyJean714 and notmyself24 - Thank you. That means a lot.

 

notmyself24 - The crazy thing is that in my case she kept coming back. So it wasn't like I was chasing her when she would try to pull back. I didn't deny I still had feelings for her, but I didn't do anything more then be the same person I always was with her. Her feelings would come back and she'd start firting with me and it would seem like she wanted more, like her feelings had never really faded but she had tried to bury them down. And when she pulled back the last time, she rushed to someone else so quickly that it feels like she was running from something rather then towards him, especially combined with a lot of other issues she has personally. And in her saner moments, she'll even admit that she was wrong in what she did to me. Which drives me more crazy, cause I know she knows she is wrong and I've seen a good heart in her that doesn't like when she does stuff like that, but she doesn't seem able or willing to change.

 

BillyJean714 - I say the same thing, move on. Logically I know that and realize she didn't treat me right. But when it comes to love our emotions tend to be in charge. This is especially true for a sensitive person like me. While I get what you are saying, for some people it takes a long time to get over a person. They have to go thru the emotional rollar coaster, missing the person and wondering if things will get better. They try to think of other things, but the bad thoughts just hit them at times. Something small can set them off - song on the radio, walking by a place you visited, seeing her favorite flower. It takes time, its not as easy as move on.

 

In my case, its especially emotional. It was first love, it was out of the blue after I had stopped thinking I would find someone. It was finding someone and hoping that finally all the things I've been through lead me to something good for a change. I opened my heart like never before and conquered fears. And everything seemed perfect at times, like it was destiny. And then it came crashing down suddenly. I know I should get over her, I know I deserve better. It just takes time to be able to get there, be healed enough to the point where I can move on.

[Dating Coach]

I really feel bad for him, because I know his ex, and she's having the time of her life- that's for sure. She's not sitting there moping about it. If I can give him one advice: I would tell him to "Move on and realize you deserve better. Focus on you. That's what's most important. Don't dwell. Stay focused on healing, and then you'll realize you don't need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you."

 

I hope you guys can benefit from my advice, as well. Hope this helps. Realize that pain is ONLY temporary. Hang in there!

 

BillyJean, you are 100% right. Congrats on a good post!

[imtired]

I finally realize why it's so hard to let go of an ex. When you fall in love, there is mysterious aura that surrounds you that makes you feel wanted. When an ex breaks your heart, you start to lose faith in all that surrounds you because something that you have held onto so darely let you down. You question yourself and even God, why love is so painful. Its been said by various people that you "gotta have faith" in all that you do. Sure, we take this notion into consideration, but as time passes we realize that faith is nothing but a five letter word. In fact the word "faith" is something we mock at. "Gotta have faith my *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*" we subconsciously say to ourselves. What we don't realize in our time of despair is that everything happens for a reason. We place our ex's in this pedestal and when we get back with them, they are not the same person that we first fell in love with. Despite our acknowledgement that things have changed, we still remember a point in time that was, a time when our ex's were perfect for us but we took them forgranted. Another reason why so many people hold on to memories of their ex's is because we subconsciously feel that we would never find someone again. Someone who would cry for us, someone who would do all that they can to make us feel loved. I mean, it makes perfect sense. If someone that we have spent years building a strong foundation with could let us down so badly, how can we believe that our future relationships would fair any better. I've been single for the past 9 months, and not once have I made an attempt to hook up with a girl. I mean why should I, the possibility of getting hurt is lurking out there. My ex girlfriend's birthday is coming up, and i'm planning to do anything about. I think the best method to get over an ex, is to write down the negative qualities that they possess and constantly look at it to remind yourself that this is not someone that you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

[notmyself24]

Hun,

Thats why experience teaches you to be cautious of your heart. If you are anything like me or other tender hearts I know, you will fall in love again, however, you will not let yourself get too euphoric b/c that memory of hurt will be engrained within you forever.

 

Take all the time you need to heal. I guarentee that you will fall in love again, remember that as hard it is to believe, we CAN choose who we love. The big red flags show up early- justtake off those blinders- the rose colored glasses for only a moment: the truth will set you free. You really are not alone b/c when you open up to another human being there is always a chance of getting hurt.it is not you, she is scared/immature/can't handle a serious relationship- it sounds as if she is manipulating you b/c she is uncertain. Let her go- release her from your mind & heart (all in due time).

Take care.

[Dating Coach]

Putting your partner up on a pedastle is a very big mistake. Your partner is a human being just like you, and they are no better than you. If you put your partner up on a pedastle like they are better and like you don't deserve them then you are setting yourself up for a bad relationship. It shows that you don't have a healthy amount of self respect or self confidence. When you are with someone and you treat them like this along with low self confidence and respect, then you are setting the stage to be taken advantage of and to be used. Also, you are setting yourself up to be eventually dumped as well because how long can someone truly love another person who doesn't have self respect and doesn't love themselves? The spark will eventually go away and so with the person. It happens all of the time and the person with the low self esteem always says, "I gave them everything! Why did they leave!" That person probably did give them everything except a partner who respected themselves.

[notmyself24]

((Diggitydogg)), I agree with you. But, I think that some people are more giving & others are more selfish. Some people actually take (joy) away the other's self esteem & confidence by manipulating/controlling them. You may think that means the other is weak, but love can really blind you. Soem of us just have bead luck, its only natural- have you ever truly been in love? Maybe you were lucky & met someone wonderful, the world consists of so many wrong people. It saddenns me deeply. I used to think everyone was nice & had good intentions. I am beggining, my self, not to trust so easily or heartbreak is inevitable...

[ShySoul]

It's not that the person is being placed on a pedastal. If anything is being revered, it is the love. Some people think of love as something sacred, something special. When they think they have found the right person, they put their heart and soul into it. They love unconditionally. They love with everything they are. They put themselves out there, open themselves up, becoming vulnerable.

 

This is both good and bad. If the relationship goes bad, it hurts that much more because of how deeply you were in it. But if you don't open yourself completely, you'll never be able to experience the full rush of emotions, experience the total magic that love is. People who do open themselves like that are actually being corageous, learning to live life to the fullest. Yes, they experience the lowest of lows. But then they experience the highest of highs. And through the pain at times, things can seem dark and hopeless. But they get through. They make it out into the light. And love welcomes them once more.

 

imtired, take as long as you need to heal. And don't let this make you bitter. Don't let it teach you to be guarded with your heart. In time, you will be ready to love again. And when it does, don't be afraid to love with all your heart again. That euphoia of falling in love is worth it, no matter what happens.

[Dating Coach]

notmyself, being a giving person is one thing, but allowing yourself to be taken advantage of because you are giving is another. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of by someone because you put them on this pedastle, then you are setting the stage to be used and abused. People will treat you the way you let yourself be treated. You are just as important and special as the next person, so why should they get to use and abuse you? It's not right, and it's not healthy. There is nothing wrong with looking out for number one. In fact it is healthy to do so. Of course some people go overboard with it and become selfish, but looking out for yourself to the point where you refuse to be taken advantage of is not rude, it's not mean, and it doesn't change the fact that you are a giving person.

 

If you are donating millions of dollars to a third world country for aid, and you find out that the government has been abusing your money for their own needs, would you keep sending them money?

 

If you are giving your partner tons or respect and love, but in turn they are abusing what you are giving them and take advantage of you without too much concern for your own needs and wants, then how is that any different? Because you've become infatuated? You should respect yourself enough to cease all donations to that third world country and you should cease allowing yourself to be taken advantage of in the relationship as well. That partner should be treating you every bit as good as you treat them.

[melrich]

How could love be like this. Cheating, backstabing, lying, for what? Sometimes, actually I always feel that love is blind.

 

Love is not like that and there is an element of truth to the statement "love is blind".

 

Imtired, personally I think you are confusing your feelings. I think what you are actually in love with is being in love. You miss all those good things about the relationship that you had but you quite clearly identify many bad qualities about this person.

 

I do believe that what you are actually missing is the feeling of being in love and in a relationship.

 

That will come again and all this will be just something in your past. From what you have posted I'd have to say she does not deserve your friendship.

[ShySoul]

Imtired, do what you feel in your heart is right. She may not be deserving of your love, but it is not reason to cut somebody off entirely from your life. Always leave a door open to be friends. You don't want to go around burning bridges in life. You are a really good person, I can tell. To completely shut someone out of your life wouldn't be fitting with the kind of person you are. But you do have to realize that if she is hurting you more then helping, that is not right. So don't associate with her if it hurts too much, but never completely close the door on a person to your friendship.

 

Again, if I'm reading this correctly, this is about love. It's about putting yourself out there and cherishing the love you have. It's about the love in your life being the most important thing to you. Staying with her wasn't about worshipping her or about a lack of confidence in yourself. It was about wanting that love that you thought had finally come your way. Love isn't blind. We always clearly see what is in front of us, who the person is. But we wish to work it out. We keep making the effort because we know it can work out.

 

You shouldn't feel ashamed about anything. You did the right thing. You loved and you did so with all your heart. You loved her passionately and deeply. You didn't give up on the love, you worked to make it last. Too many give up so easily, but you held onto it as long as possible. And that attitude is what is going to make the love you end up with that much better.

 

For now, you will hurt. It will take as long as it takes. Cry, be depressed if you must. But keep your head up. Look towards a better future. Forget about relationships for now and the foreseeable future. Just be you. Focus on the rest of life. Love always comes when we aren't looking.