Makes me sick thinking about him and another girl...any advice?

[SophMd]

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago...we are both 25 years old. I am still in college and he has a full time job and recently lost 100 pounds in the last 8 months or so.

Our relationship was rocky because of two reasons...my insecurities and his inability to communicate with me about them in a loving manner. He told me that in order for the relationship to last he needed me to get help...which was and am currently doing. The main point is that we broke up because he told me he had feelings for this girl he has known since highschool....who he recently hung out with at a party...they were talking about our relationship and he felt a so called "connection" with her. This hurts like hell. I know for a fact he is wanting to date her and it has only been 3 weeks....He thinks for some reason that they are perfect for each other when he felt the same exact way about me...

Another great example of a stab in the back is that when he was trying to work things out with me he said...."i wish i could just date you both"..."she is finished school" (which im almost done doing). This girl dated his twin brother (few months) as well as his college best friend for 7 years. I told him why dont you just go outside of what is familiar and take a risk...he claims that why do that when something perfect could be right in front of you...

He is a very sensitive person and I remember how quickly he opened up to me...I definitely did not feel the same way he did at first...he pretty much rushed everything...brought up marriage first etc.. But I did love him...I still love him even tho I am extremely hurt and sort of want revenge (sick)

My question is that if he sees this girl as similar to me.. But doesnt have insecurities and is "finished school"...do you think that is extremely shallow? I was with the boy when he was insecure and overweight...i loved him and worked with his problems and he just could not tolerate mine...even after I am getting help and talking to a professional about them.

Do you think that him and this girl will last and also do you think that if he dates her it is too soon for him? I think deep down he still has that fat guy mentality...what do you think?

 

Thanks

[RayKay]

My question is that if he sees this girl as similar to me.. But doesnt have insecurities and is "finished school"...do you think that is extremely shallow? I was with the boy when he was insecure and overweight...i loved him and worked with his problems and he just could not tolerate mine...even after I am getting help and talking to a professional about them.

Do you think that him and this girl will last and also do you think that if he dates her it is too soon for him? I think deep down he still has that fat guy mentality...what do you think?

 

Thanks

 

Hi Soph,

 

I am sorry to hear of your recent breakup

 

My guess is that he is not shallow as much as jumping into something without really thinking logically at this point. He sees this possibly as "love". Of course right now she is perfect for him - he has not spent years with her and found out HER imperfections either...she may be just as insecure, she may even wish to go back to school at some point...so those to me were all EXCUSES for him to justify leaving you.

 

Now, the reason why he left, he may not even know. I wonder if there is some element of it being because he lost all this weight, and feels a need to be a new person in a way, to develop a new persona of himself. For whatever reason, he felt he needed to end it with you, justified the reasoning and ended it.

 

Now, maybe things with this girl will work out, maybe not. The fact is he is rebounding into something else so it could go either way. But if he imagines she will have no faults he will be in for a surprise...people can be "perfect for you" but never perfect as people in my opinion!

 

Maybe she sparked something in him he has been missing with you, maybe she was something different he needed, whom knows for sure, but honey, you DO deserve someone whom will not be jumping from you to someone else without working things out with you, and I really advise you limit contact with him, and start moving on. Keep seeing your counsellor, and work on a stronger YOU...and in time things will work out for the best...and that may mean a different man who knows what a wonderful woman you are and will never DREAM of letting you go

[valenski]

I think its a classic frog turn prince story. Frankly he's ungreatful and dating two girls at once is no way to treat someone you care about, I can't imagine how you feel right now and how much it has set back your couselling but you have to find the strength to let him go. 8 month ago you loved him and now at 100 pounds less you still love if that means nothing to him then he is the one thats losing out.

 

Sorry about your relationship, I can sense the hurt in your words.

[SophMd]

yea....it just makes me so upset because I am a really nice person who loved this guy with everything I had....and it hasnt been two weeks and seems so infatuated with this girl....not that it matters but she is not even attractive..I feel like I have been made a fool. I really hope that they do not last...this is what I keep telling myself.

[darkpumpkin]

Thing is it's not what is attractive to you that counts and sometimes people would rather feel infactation for someone then a love that has been built apon. This girl could really do it for him in every aspect, I know it hurts. I'm going through similer situation, the boy I love is totally swept off his feet from someone he used to have a crush on in high school. She's not that great looking to me and a part of me hopes it doesn't last but fact is I care about him enough to know that if it does last then it was always meant to be and I couldn't want someone to not find that. Just because you were always there for him doesn't change the fact that maybe you weren't right for each other. No contact is the way to go, deal with it every day take you mind off of it. Just be you and do what you have to and eventually the thoughts of the two of them will fade, they may not go away but they will fade. Good luck I wish you didn't have to feel that pain.

[SophMd]

So you think that values dont play a factor into this at all....its like she dated his bestfriend for 7 years as well as his twin brother...in my opinion it is a bit dysfunctional... Its so hard because I feel like we have much more in common then they will...and he told me "it would be so much easier...she is done school and in grad school, and had a good upbringing" To me that is ridiculous...because he is seeing that the grass is greener....I dont know the answers and it is making me so frustrated. I feel like we hung out every single moment together...lived together...only hung out with one another...that is unhealthy...and I know she is going to seem so perfect because it is not going to get to that point.

Another thing is that I see him where I work almost everyday...he doesnt even say hello...I am not going to go out of my way. I also received a prank call from one of his friends.. My ex is 25 years old...isnt that a bit immature? It is also immature how he smokes marijuana frequently. All of these factors make me so angry...that on top of the fact I was rejected and for another girl who he thinks is just like me but who he believes to be in a better disposition in life.

[RayKay]

Trust me Soph, he will find out she is NOT just like you at all. In fact, I would guarantee unless he realizes that she is NOT just like you, he & she will be in for a mighty downfall as he is falling for an IMAGE in his mind of her, not for the real her.

 

She won't seem perfect for that long, because no one is perfect. It is going to turn out badly for him if he keeps convincing himself she IS perfect however. Taking the "easier" choice as he has (I don't even know what that means) is not always the best choice...but he has to find that out on his own.

 

It sounds like he is in a very different place then you are, immature in behaviour, love and decision making. You will be okay, you deserve someone whom sees the uniqueness of YOU, and loves you for it, and loves and accepts and SEES your imperfections as well as your "perfections". Personally if he came crawling back, I would not take him back. Because you by then will probably already realize you deserve SO much better!

[SophMd]

Thanks a lot Ray Kay... I definitely hope he sees that she is not perfect etc...I just hate this feeling of rejection...He was my first love, we both lost our virginity together. Those feelings are tough to just throw away. But the fact that he could openly discuss our relationship with another girl he "made a connection" with...this makes me realize that he is not worth it.. He looked at me in my face...we were both crying hysterically..and he told me he did not love me because he felt that way about her. It hurt but everyones advice is right...learn from it etc. I really hope he comes back...I just want that satisfaction of saying no. That would feel so good. Thanks for your advice it is making me feel a lot better.

[miracle29]

What goes around comes around. I speak from personal experience. A while before I was married, one of my ex boyfriends that I was actually living with at the time, and I broke up. He had gone out of town and cheated on me with an ex. I was not having that and so I decided to move out. It was not even a week later that I went back to get the rest of my stuff, he had the girls pictures and some of her belongings in the home. She was already planning on moving up here, and if I had not caught on to the affair he would have stayed living with me and cheating with her.

 

This broke my heart so badly at the time, but it wasnt even a matter of time before word got around the he not only "GOT CHEATED ON" but she also gave him an STD.

 

As I said before, what goes around comes around.