Analyze This Please

[JCAM22]

Can somebody please explain to me what the hell does it mean when a girl, after 4 years in a relationship, breaks up with you but looks you straight in the face and says "I Love You, I am In Love with You but I can't be with you" and "My Mind is telling me not to be with you but my heart says I should".....either way she dumped me!!!!

[RayKay]

Can somebody please explain to me what the hell does it mean when a girl, after 4 years in a relationship, breaks up with you but looks you straight in the face and says "I Love You, I am In Love with You but I can't be with you" and "My Mind is telling me not to be with you but my heart says I should".....either way she dumped me!!!!

 

Basically it means that the costs of being with you to her outweighed the benefits or the love she had for you in her mind.

 

Now what those costs are or why she felt they were too much I can't tell you.

 

Or she was trying to be "nice" about it.

[chai714]

This might help you understand how or why she came to her decision:

 

Here's how breaking up works, from a "dumpers" perspective. This may or may not help you understand the psychology of a breakup:

 

First, the person who's doing the breaking up ("dumper") makes a

decision in their head of what they want. They may or may not want

someone else, or something else. Often times, when someone else is in

the picture, they will subconsciously block it out and come up with a

DIFFERENT reason for deciding to break up. Their mind blocks it out

because they need a good reason to break up with you, and they need to

feel good about their decision for inner peace.

 

Next is the justification process. They finally decide on a reason

(in their head) and choose to use it. They silently repeat their

decision in their head, and prepare what they're going to say to their

soon to be ex. Remember, if they like or are getting involved with

someone else, they will not use that reason because it would make them

look bad AND they want to feel good about their decision. Nobody

wants to be thought of as a bad person, and nobody wants to think they

ARE a bad person. This is why they are able to forumlate a different

reason for ending things. If someone else is NOT involved, then they

will still come up with a reason that sounds good, and that also gives

them inner peace in their reason justifying a breakup.

 

Finally, action is taken. Most dumpers have mentally prepared

themselves for this moment for a few days to a couple weeks. This is

a major reason why they seem so cold to the dumpee. Their reason(s)

often don't make sense to the dumpee, or the dumpee is not willing to

accept their reason. This does not matter to the dumper though. They

have already justified (to themselves) that their reason(s) is valid

and are more mentally prepared for this moment (because they knew it

was going to happen AND because they wrote the script). Remember, the

"dumper" may seem cold at the time they take action and some may be,

but they have already justified to themselves that their reason(s) are

valid and for the most part have inner peace with themselves because

of this justification process.

[kellbell]

She was trying to be "nice" about and tried to "lessen" the blow. Sorry for your break up, hugs to you.

[Bigbilly]

That's a pretty in-depth response Chai, and it makes a lot of sense. Did it come from a book or something?

 

At the risk of hijacking a thread, I was wondering ...what usually comes afterwards? What if the two had a pretty good relationship, but something huge happened (say, moving into the dorms at a big university) and reasons just seemed to "happen"?

[Day_Walker]

First of all she was trying to be nice and at the same time she was showing you the conflict that she has and it has probably been going on for some time. In short it means that she has found a reason that she does not want to be with you anymore. It could be many reasons but the end result is the same. Of course you are going to be shocked after being dumped but how you handle the situation now is a test of your character.

[chai714]

Big - I wrote that myself and came up with that from my experiences.

 

Day_Walker hit some good points too. She's trying to soften the blow. The whole "I love you, but am not in love with you" is nothing short of B.S. This Hollywood line has been thrown around by people for years and years. If a woman ever tries to give you this line in the future, finish the sentence before she says it, and walk away.

 

Ok, so right now it's best to back away from her since your emotions will be going in 100 different places simultaneously. Best not to be in contact with her right now to avoid the common practices of begging, pleading, crying, etc. So, take some time to yourself to heal. Surround yourself with family and friends, and you'll make it through this. Good luck.

[heloladies21]

It means she's confused about way she feels about you. Real common break up speach, the kind of thing NC was designed to help solve. Do NC, it will help you cool down too and you will be able to deal with the situation rationally.

[lunatic]

I have to say that Chai and Day_walker brought up all good points.

 

I wanted to add that when you get the line "I love you but, I am not in love with you anymore" GRrrrrrr That is the biggest line of crap out there. I have used that line a few times in the past when I saw the breakup coming. I always sensed it was coming and used that line before I walked away.

 

Do NO CONTACT not to get her back but, to show her that you can move on. Not begging, pleading, and the like shows her that your more mature than that. Remember that it is not about you it is about her wishes. She does not want you anymore then fine find someone else that will be with you for you.

 

It is not going to be an easy road but, you CAN DO IT!!! Come here when you are feeling weak or need to talk to someone.

[JCAM22]

She is not saying that she loves me but not in love....she is saying that she loves me and is in love with me!!! She constantly text messages me "I LOVE YOU" and "I MISS YOU" WHY IS SHE PLAYING THESE MIND GAMES

[RayKay]

She is not saying that she loves me but not in love....she is saying that she loves me and is in love with me!!! She constantly text messages me "I LOVE YOU" and "I MISS YOU" WHY IS SHE PLAYING THESE MIND GAMES

 

My guess is either to make HERSELF feel better, or keep you on a leash lest she not find other options.

 

Whom knows, but if she wants to be with you, she better be calling you instead saying "I MADE A MISTAKE, HOW CAN I EARN YOUR TRUST BACK AND WORK THROUGH THIS WITH YOU". Until you get that, ignore it, and in fact, tell her to quit it. She lost her right to tell you those things as far as I am concerned, and it just messes with your head and heart right now.

[Bigbilly]

Too right. This woman has got a lot of guts putting you through this. Tell her to prove what she says or knock it the hell off.

[chai714]

JCam,

She's not very good at these mind games (sorry to say).

 

Right now as I'm typing you this email, I'm doing it from my house that overlooks the beach. From where I am, you can see in the distance, a yacht. I just bought that yacht at the end of summer, because they were having a blowout deal that I just could not refuse.

 

The paragraph above was a lie. You would'nt know it though, because you don't know where I live. You do know though, that if someone loves you, wants to be with you, and (provided you want to be with them too) you two will be together.

 

Do not be deceived by her selfish lies. She can feed you anything she wants, it's up to you whether or not you want to buy it. Right now, you're buying something that does not exist. In other words, she doesn't love you and you're getting ripped off if you think she does. Watch her actions, ignore her words and things might seem more clear.

[RayKay]

Darn Chai, I was just going to congrat you on your new yacht and ask when the party was!

 

Sigh.

 

Anyway JCAM, Chai said it just right....watch her actions, not her words. They aren't matching, are they?

[Rainz]

The posts so far have been very good. Raykay good points made too.

 

Jcam ask yourself if you would be going anywhere if you were truly in love with and truly loved someone? I personally wouldn't be going anywhere in a hurry.

 

I think there's more to it than what she's telling you. As she's confusing you right now thought I'd say to do NC.