I made a decision

[sweetheart230]

I thought about things this weekend, after having finally rid myself of a very bad situation that had been dragging me down for a while. Over the last year I've been questioning love and relationships in general. While visiting my friend, I wound up making out with a really sexy guy who all the girls at the bar were throwing themselves at- I hung back and he came over to me- and I realized something. I could enjoy no strings attached hooking up (we got pretty physical, but no sex) because it just felt good. But, I don't want to. It felt good and all, but with no meaning behind it, I just didn't feel the need or want for it. He was literally the best kisser I've ever kissed, but still, it felt empty. I didn't feel bad or used or regretful. It just felt pointless.

 

And I wondered if I would ever find someone who I was crazy about and would be faithful, loyal and good to me. I have been led to believe that all the ones that give you that exciting feeling inside (and the ones who are good in bed) are the bad boyfriends. But I still believe in love. I'm willing to compromise on certain things, but finding a "good boyfriend" isn't worth sacrificing the possibility of finding someone I will be crazy about.

 

I thought about all the people in my life who are happy. Girls, particularly, but one man I met a long time ago. They are nonjudgemental, optimistic and satisfied with their life. They are just genuine, nice, warm people. They have moods, too, but they are natural with their emotions. They are not insecure with themselves.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I've made the decision to just be happy. Finding love is important in my life, but I understand fully now that I'm not willing to accept just anybody- I want someone who makes my heart race, someone who is crazy about me, too and someone who will be good to me. Someone tender and loves me for who I am...someone I can be vulnerable with. And, this, I now realize, could take some time to find. It's not easy to find someone like this- the right person for me. I could go out tomorrow and find a nice boyfriend, but I'm asking for more than just that. And I'm willing to wait for it now. In the meantime, I'd rather just be allow myself to be happy than waste another second being sad.

 

I know this is long. Its just after being so depressed and sad for so long, (as those who have read my other posts know) and its good to finally feel more grounded and happy. I just don't want to forget how I feel right now. It feels good to let go.

[teacup]

i feel the way you do......i want more and it's taking time to find. i want to just be stable and happy with a warm happy relationship. but i cannot find what im looking for and im so impatient to hold onto something.

[sweetheart230]

Yeah, I used to feel like that. That's why I held on to a friends with benefits relationship for so long. But I don't want to be loved by the person who isn't right for me. If you want to find that person who gives you everything you want, you must wait, or you'll settle for someone who isn't right for you. many people do, and many people are happy this way. I know I wouldn't be.

 

It's not so bad being single. Don't get me wrong, when the right guy comes along, I would give it up in a second. But it gives you time to be with your friends. It gives you the opportunity to flirt with lots of cute boys (I went out on Friday night dressed in a really revealing costume just for fun with my friends and it was a huge hit (I was not looking to meet men), which is not something I could have done with a bf). Plus, you get to focus on yourself, explore yourself and just make yourself happy.

 

If you're not happy by yourself, a relationship won't make you happy. Because I honestly believe you can't be in a happy, healthy relationship with the right person until you are happy with yourself. After the last time I saw the man who was using me for sex, we watched the sox win the world series. And it was something I would have done with my dad. And I realized I didn't want him; i wanted the qualities in him that reminded me of my father. Until you understand and fix the reasons you aren't happy out of a relationship, you will not be happy in one.

[acuraman]

I too feel this way about finding that special someone for me. Some of my friends tell me that Im being unrealistic and I should date more girls to see if they are the one for me, but I could tell if they are or not. I have been single for 7 weeks now and have had opportunities to date, but I didn't take the initiative because I guess I have become somewhat picky after my last relationship because like you, I don't want to be let down or have another broken heart.

[sweetheart230]

I guess I'm not scared of a broken heart so much (even though I really should be), as I just don't see the point in purusing a relationship just because I want someone. I can be happy just the way I am I think because I know eventually someone who's right will come along whenever.

 

I still kinda miss him though. I'm over it for the most part, but despite realizing he isn't what I built him up to be, those feelings still exist. How can you have such strong feelings for someone you don't even like? I'm pulling through though.

[kellbell]

Hi Sweetheart,

 

Yes, I followed your posts all summer and into the fall and you were definitely on a rollar coaster of emotions. I sounds like you did a lot of thinking and soul searching and reach an epiphamy. (sp) Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a lot of heartache and pain to reach this point but that's what makes us stronger and wiser. Good for you for coming to terms with things that happened to you in the past year. You are defiantely on the right path of emotional and mental recovery. Keep us informed on how you are doing. Hugs to you.

[Juha]

Sweetheart I truly hop eyou find who/what you are looking for....

 

I also have been looking for the things you are, I am older than you and I have found it once so far in my lifetime, unfortunately timing was not right and have now lost her....

 

I have dated many, many people and like you decided I do not want to settle like I have seen so many people do so they would not be alone...

 

I can't do that I have to have that feeling inside or it just wont work for me...

 

Let me just warn you there will be people you feel that are what you want but they wont be and be prepared to wait a long time to find what you are looking for...

 

What we want probably will only be found once or maybe twice in a lifetime sometimes never...I am not trying to bring you down just the reality of it all...So here I am looking again for what I want and still am angry for losing what/who I wanted the first time to fate and timing...

 

It is ok to date other people if you like them just don't be serious with them it is always good to have company in your life...

 

Good luck and keep your hopes up

[acuraman]

Hey sweetheart, I know that you will eventually find that special person for you. I hope that you never settle for anything less while waiting for him.

 

I used to be the kind of person that would rather be with someone that I din't get along with real well rather than be alone. I used to take the abuse from my ex because I was afraid of losing her.

 

It didn't matter at the end anyways because I lost her. Its amazing how your perception of life can change over just a short period of time when you come to realize that you were weak in the relationship. I made a promise to myself that if I was ever in that kind of relationship again, I would leave for the sake of my dignity.

 

Good luck sweetheart...