Husband is very close to his longtime female friend

[jen78nc]

Hi all. Well I am new to this board. I am glad to have found it! Well, heres the story.

My husband has a close girl friend that he talks to who lives in texas. He has known her for about 8 years, a little longer than he has known me. Anyway ever since we've been married they have talked quite a bit, and a few years ago they were talking through email and it turned out they wanted to be a little more than friends. He was telling her that he loved her. She was probably saying the same thing back.

 

Anyway, that was back in 98-99, but I guess I havent really gotten over it and they still talk now. He knows Id prefer that they didnt talk anymore but he does anyway. He thinks im being silly for thinking that anything is going on. .She is married with a child, as are we. I just dont like their close relationship. They talk every few days, sometimes a few days in a row, and once in awhile a few times in one day. They also send pictures back and forth sometimes. Every time they talk on the phone I get all annoyed with him. It just frustrates me that they talk so much. Also, she is from the same city that I am from, and he keeps telling me how we should go visit my mom , because she always comes up here to visit. I guess I always just think he has an ulterior motive when he says that.

 

Anyway I dont mind if they just talk sometimes, but yesterday she called and they talked about half an hour, and then she called again later, and they just talked for a minute. She said she had to get back to whatever she was doing.. Then why did she even call in the first place?? Anyway, I heard some of their conversation from earlier in the day. She was asking him for his work address to send pictures to, supposedly of her daughter and her this halloween.. Anyway my husband was saying "well Ill be waiting for them" and "i like the pictures that you send." I suppose thats not so awful, just a little annoying. We are planning a trip down to texas, where shes from, actually my hometown, and he was asking if she thought her husband would mind them hanging out.. He was talking to her about when her husband left him a nasty voicemail awhile back because of all the calls that she was making to him.

 

Anyway, my husband says that they worked it out, but still seems to think her husband might get upset.. Gee, I wonder why? lol Anyway, there wasnt too much else to the conversation.. Seems like they will talk about any small thing, just to talk. They were talking about different kinds of foods they like and dislike, etc..I just think their relationship is weird.

 

Now, I have found out that they are emailing each other again. My husband is telling her things like he dreams about her, though he didnt say what the dreams were about, that her emails brighten his day, and also he tells her that he hopes to see her again sometime soon. Then just recently, I read an email he sent her saying "sometimes I will just lay in bed thinking about you, you are a truly wonderful friend." Now this really upset me and I know this is not just a friendly relationship.

 

I just dont know what to do about it. It doesnt sound good. He has already lied and told me he didnt even have her new email address and doesnt talk to her through email. So he has lied quite a bit in our relationship. I feel like I can never really trust him again.

 

Anyway, I saw someone post about a book called "Not just a friend." I actually just ordered this book. Has anyone here read it? Well, I am open to any advice. Sorry this post is so long.. Thanks all!

 

P.S.

He calls her "my friend" and doesnt call her by her name.. Is that weird or is it me?

[TiredMan]

Wait, are you going through his emails? Or do you guys share an account where he writes them from?

 

You really can't tell someone not to be friends with someone. That will ruin your relationship for sure.

[RandomAdvisor]

First of all, how are you reading these e-mails of his? You don't say so, but I'm assuming you're snooping. Snooping is wrong.

 

That being said, I would probably be snooping too if I were in your situation. This relationship between your husband and her is inappropriate and needs to end immediately! Frankly, you should have demanded that he end all contact with this woman six years ago the first time you caught him telling her he loved her. And he thinks you're "silly" for being uncomfortable with it? He's full of &*$#. Her husband is also clearly uncomfortable with this situation, and I can certainly understand why.

 

You need to talk to your husband and issue an ultimatum. Either all contact with this woman ends, or you give him the divorce papers to sign. It's really that simple. If he decides to stay with you, then you also should consider marriage counseling to find out why he's been commiting emotional infidelity. I would also try to contact this woman's husband and try to have him do the same.

 

The fact that he didn't end contact with her six years ago tells me he's been selfish and inconsiderate of you. How is your marriage otherwise?

[BillyJean714]

Great advice, Some_guy282. I couldn't have said it any better! I haven't heard of that book that you're referring to, but you can check it out on link removed or Barnes&link removed. Sometimes, both of those sites have features where you can click on the cover of the book, and skim through the first few pages, online.

 

I would be really ticked off to find out if my spouse still kept in touch with an old flame. Seriously, this is the exact reason why I fear EVER getting married. And, I also agree with Some_guy282- this is CLEARLY emotional infidelity. I don't know why she won't just lay it off on contacting him and sending him those pictures. Is she really that retarded to need that much attention from other men? Sorry, but it just pisses me off when people don't care if they're consciously jeopardizing each other's marriages. And, if he clearly knows what's going on, why does he consistently take her bait?

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be so patient. You are one patient person! Stay strong. I wish you the BEST of luck with whatever happens.

[RandomAdvisor]

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be so patient. You are one patient person! Stay strong. I wish you the BEST of luck with whatever happens.

 

I think I would call it fear more than patience. I think she's afraid of really confronting the issue because she is unsure how her husband will respond. So she's let it slide.

[jen78nc]

Ive talked to him about it quite a few times and told him that it bothers me that he talks to her, but he continues to do it anyway.. thanks everyone for your posts

[RandomAdvisor]

You've talked to him, but you havn't thrown down the gauntlet. Give him an ultimatum, force him to choose, and he will choose you.

[TiredMan]

If I was the guy, and was given the ultimatum, I wouldn't choose her just because she put me in that position of an ultimatum. Between that and the snooping in emails, that's just horrendously wrong IMO.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Jen, I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I'm going through a similar situation myself.

 

TiredMan was right, you can't tell someone who they can and cannot be friends with. At the same time you do not have to tolerate this sort of behavior by your husband. Your husband is having an affair; its not physical, but its still an affair and still just as dangerous.

 

some_guy has it down pat.

 

Its unfortunately time to make a difficult decision. The situation sounds unbearable for you, and it has to change. Your feelings are totally valid. His relationship with this woman is very inapproprate.

 

Your husband isn't hearing your concerns nor is he understanding your feelings. You can't make him do either, I'm sorry to say. And until he's ready, there isn't much hope. But what you can do is show him what life would be like without you. You have total control with this.

 

It may sound cold, but I think its time for you to leave. The shock of your departure and the time apart should give him time to figure out what he wants. He will no longer have you to meet his needs, and that will hurt. Right now his girlfriend is meeting some small set of needs, while you are meeting much of his other needs. Without you in his life, he might feel empty and that might be all it takes to get him to wake up and hear what your needs are.

 

If this is what he wants and is willing to do what it takes, then it is time to talk about him immediately ending the relationship with this other woman completely and totally. You have to be prepared for the fact that he still has feelings and will continue to have feelings for her for quite some time.

 

If he does decide to come back and do what it takes, I think its very important to seek couples counseling. His infidelity might be because you aren't meeting some of his needs. This doesn't excuse his behavior by any means, but unless he is able to communicate what these needs are, and you work together towards addressing them, he'll be miserable and will be prone to seeking someone else to meet them.

 

You will have to ultimately decide if its worth going through this pain. Seperation is not easy. Without my sister and my best friend, I don't know how I could get through it (1 month down, 5 months to go).

 

If you go through with this, gather up a support group. Friends and family who will hold you centered during this tough time. Also I would suggest seeking individual therapy during this time to help sort your thoughts and feelings.

 

This is a tough thing to endure, but the alternative; allowing your husband to continue to ignore your feelings will only be worse.

 

Good luck and godbless.

[LostInMyThoughts]

If I was the guy, and was given the ultimatum, I wouldn't choose her just because she put me in that position of an ultimatum. Between that and the snooping in emails, that's just horrendously wrong IMO.

 

Sure invading someones privacy is wrong, but what about having an affair with someone who is not your spouse?

 

Which is more wrong?

 

Heaven forbid Jen try to gather proof that her husband is cheating on her, and instead just make wild accusations.

 

It's justifiable behavior in this situation.

[djedix]

Invading a random persons privacy is one thing.

 

Invading a girlfriend/boyfriends privacy when they gie you cause is another thing, depeneds on the situation

 

Invading a wife/husband's prviacy.... is there any privacy between married people? they share everything... atleast they should..

[BillyJean714]

Invading a wife/husband's prviacy.... is there any privacy between married people? they share everything... atleast they should..

True. If the roles reveresed, I think that he would've gone through her e-mail as well. Btw, if someone were to get upset, I would think that it's because they have something to hide. If two people are in a marriage where it's "open and honest" communication, they don't mind sharing personal things such as e-mails togethers, even if they trust each other. Since they're recongized as a union of 'one', I would think it's fair. But, there are so many laws nowadays that seem to contradict what a marriage should be all about- i.e. prenuptual agreements or non-conjoint bank accounts. Sometimes, rightfully so- especially, since some couples don't marry for love. I guess it all depends on the different factors and the individual relationships involved. But, marriage should be about "we", "us", instead of "me" then "you."

 

Either case, it's still wrong for her husband to not respect their marriage. About ultimatums, I think when it gets to this point, it's pretty sad. If he was a man of his words and kept his marriage vows straight, he would've voluntarily left his relationship with this woman where it belongs, in the past. In my opinion, I think that he's making too many excuses for himself. She could've easily made an excuse and said, "Well you know what, if he's e-mailing her behind my back, I could easily do the same to him, as well." But, she's not doing that (not that I know of). I sense that she's strong enough and is a woman of her words.

 

I like LostinMyThought's advice of taking control of yourself- that's all that you have is yourself- sadly, because you should also have his support. If he wants to play it selfish and shrug you off, time to focus your life on you and not give so much into the marriage. The more you give, the more he takes you for granted. If he doesn't realize that your marriage is hurting, he's not worth keeping as a companion. But, I don't want to tell you what to do. It just really bothers me when I hear about how many people stray these days. It makes me not ever want to get married. Almost 98% of the divorces that I know of, end up with one (or both) of the spouses cheating on each other. Makes me feel REALLY depressed.*sigh*

 

Anyway, despite everything that happened, I sincerily hope that the two of you will work out!

[LostInMyThoughts]

Invading a wife/husband's prviacy.... is there any privacy between married people? they share everything... atleast they should..

 

Not to hijack this thread...

 

I feel this is a common misconception about marriage. IMO there are no "shoulds" in a marriage.

 

Marriage is what you and your spouse make of it.

 

To one couple marriage might mean never ever looking at a person of the opposite sex, while another couple might be okay with each other checking other people out.

 

If a person grew up in a household with no privacy, privacy might be something that is very important to them. They may place a high value on their privacy, and so such an intrusion could be catastrophic to the relationship. For this theoretical person, I would hope that they could communicate this to their partner/spouse so their partner could see the importance of it.

 

I agree with BillyJean that Openess and Honesty are important in a relationship, but I don't that it and privacy has to be mutually exclusive. I don't need to read my wifes emails (she was having an emotional affair), but I do expect her to be honest when I ask her about what she was doing and with whom. Then again, I feel the need to check our cell-phone records to see if she's been in contact with her affair partner. Yes that is an invasion of her privacy, but when I found she's not talked to him, it gives me a little more reason to trust her.

 

My feelings on privacy are ignoring the situation presented by the OP. In this case, she had suspected that something wasn't right. So she felt like she had to comfirm it. In the context of the situation, I believe her actions weren't in trying to harm the relationship. I personally think not knowing is worse than knowing.

[BillyJean714]

Maybe I'm just being a bit too idealistic about marriage- I admire those types of marriage where both partners are COMPLETELY open/honest with each other. Let's just say, I'm just not the type of person who easily buys into excuses.

 

I get what you're saying LostInMyThought. Yes- she did have reasons suspect, since that lady randomly calling him just for small talk on several occasions is going WAY too overboard, ESPECIALLY, when his relationship with this person caused turmoil for their relationship in the past.

[RandomAdvisor]

 

It may sound cold, but I think its time for you to leave. The shock of your departure and the time apart should give him time to figure out what he wants. He will no longer have you to meet his needs, and that will hurt. Right now his girlfriend is meeting some small set of needs, while you are meeting much of his other needs. Without you in his life, he might feel empty and that might be all it takes to get him to wake up and hear what your needs are.

 

You know, I was actually thinking the same thing but didn't post it. Perhaps she should pack her things and leave, and tell her husband that when he's ready to end his emotional affair with this woman, cut all contact from her, and go to counseling together then she will return. That ought to wake him up.

[miracle29]

That being said, I would probably be snooping too if I were in your situation. This relationship between your husband and her is inappropriate and needs to end immediately! Frankly, you should have demanded that he end all contact with this woman six years ago the first time you caught him telling her he loved her. And he thinks you're "silly" for being uncomfortable with it? He's full of &*$#. Her husband is also clearly uncomfortable with this situation, and I can certainly understand why.

I could not have put this better myself.

 

This is rediculous. I have a best male friend. I've been friends with im for 6 yrs. He has never hit on me, nor have I ever hit on him. That is how PLATONIC friendship should be. Your husband is making a fool out of you by trying to pass this off as "Its all in your head" this is insane. My guy friend respects the fact that I'm married and aside from the occasional "venting sessions" we never ever talk about our spouses in a negative light or leave little hints of long love in the air. I would never disrespect my spouse like this. your husband and this woman are not only disrespecting you but her mate as well. This is so out of control that I fear even if you did tell him to stop contacting her, he may just sneak and do it behind your back and this time you wont know what they are saying.

 

I can't see how you could live like this, you deserve a real marraige with a husband who is not trying to turn things around on you as if its all your fault and all in your head. Follow your instincts you know this is out of control. I think marraige counsel, and ultimatum, or a possible divorce may be the next step.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I think that divorce might be too drastic.

 

An ultimatum is a good first step, but you'll need to come up with a plan. A plan for if your husband agrees, and a plan if he does not.

 

The ultimatum seems straightforward, either his relationship ends, or you will leave. While there is no easy way to tell him this, I feel it in the relationships best interest to do it in a civil and calm fashion. Don't try and talk with him when he comes home from work. Our minds are simple, but they need some time to recharge/unwind from a days work. It's weird thing about us, but after that period of time, we're ready for anything.

 

Explain your thoughts about his behavior with this other woman, and explain how this makes you feel. Try to do it without being adversarial. If he retorts with something like "Its all in your mind" or "Nothing is going on" he is getting defensive. That means he feels under attack, and he's not considering your feelings. Don't bother stepping up your attack, because at this time its pointless. As calm as you can do, tell him your ultimatum. That either he ends his relationship with this woman, completely, or you are going to leave. If I were you I'd leave the room without saying another word, and give him time to think.

 

Of course if he doesn't get defensive, and instead says something like "You know, you're right. The way i've been acting, I can understand why you would feel this way." That means he understands your feelings, and you may be able to work things out without resorting to an ultimatum.

 

If he does agree to your terms, I would also add in that you would like to go to Couples Therapy. Not to punish him, or to repair the demage that he's done, but to learn from this, and to figure out why his relationship with this person was so special. If he cuts this woman out cold turkey, you'll need to step up and fill the void in his life. It might be easy to say "well he did me wrong so why should I do this for him" but you need to be a bigger person and be there for him. Counseling will help address some of his issues with the marriage in a safe environment. You will have to be ready to hear things that might hurt, like he's lost passion for you, or that this person is more femine or other things. Again I'm not excusing his behavior, but unless his needs are addressed, you can't grow into a more loving and happy couple.

 

If he doesn't agree to your terms, you should be ready to leave either that night, or the next day. From there, hopefully he'll make contact with you and you'll have a chance to talk things over. You need to be firm with your decision, but not closed to discussion. At this point, there is not much you can do for the relationship other than hold on to hope that he'll come around. Thats where I'm at now, and I'll honestly tell you it sucks! There are lots of resources for seperation that can help you. Definitely use this time to seek therapy and to grow as a person (which ironically will help your relationship).

 

The caveat to all this is important. If you feel like your husband might get violent when you give him an ultimatum, don't bring it up. I don't want you to stay in this situation any longer than you have to, but your safety is far more important. You will need to come up with a different plan to do this safely.

[TiredMan]

 

Sure invading someones privacy is wrong, but what about having an affair with someone who is not your spouse?

 

Which is more wrong?

 

Heaven forbid Jen try to gather proof that her husband is cheating on her, and instead just make wild accusations.

 

It's justifiable behavior in this situation.

 

And if he isn't cheating? Then what?

[RandomAdvisor]

 

And if he isn't cheating? Then what?

 

What he's doing is emotional infidelity. It is cheating. Not physical cheating, but cheating. Some don't think it's as bad. Others think it's worse.

[TiredMan]

 

And if he isn't cheating? Then what?

 

What he's doing is emotional infidelity. It is cheating. Not physical cheating, but cheating. Some don't think it's as bad. Others think it's worse.

 

I'm not sure. Seems like there is something missing to this story, IMO.

[RandomAdvisor]

You might be right, but I think I'd heard enough at the part he admitted loving a woman who wasn't his wife, and continued to stay in frequent contact with her.

 

I asked her how the marriage was otherwise, she didn't reply. I'd like to repeat that question?

[LostInMyThoughts]

 

And if he isn't cheating? Then what?

 

What he's doing is emotional infidelity. It is cheating. Not physical cheating, but cheating. Some don't think it's as bad. Others think it's worse.

 

I'm not sure. Seems like there is something missing to this story, IMO.

 

Sure his side of the story is missing.

[TiredMan]

 

Sure his side of the story is missing.

 

Well that of course. But people do tend to leave out details that might not "help" their cause or side of the story. I just get a vibe there is something being left out.

 

My two closest friends are female. if anyone I was married to told me not to be friends with them or to pick, I would tell the wife to go away. No one should do that, especially if I know them longer than her. What if a divorce happens? Then not only do I lose the wife, I screwed over the friends too. No way!

[RandomAdvisor]

My two closest friends are female. if anyone I was married to told me not to be friends with them or to pick, I would tell the wife to go away. No one should do that, especially if I know them longer than her. What if a divorce happens? Then not only do I lose the wife, I screwed over the friends too. No way!

 

Having friends of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship is entirely possible. There are many people on this site that will attest to that. Yourself included I suppose. But do you think it would be acceptable for you to tell one of your friends that you loved them if you were married to someone else? Would you be perfectly fine with your wife having constant contact with a man she once professed her love to while she was married to you?

[TiredMan]

Keep in mind I know them a long time. One of the two I have known for 14 years. And I have gotten together with her years ago but that is WAY in the past. After this many years, I do care for her very deeply. It's not where I want to get together with her though. But to answer your question, if it was a new one, then no. One that was close longer than me is not my place for the reason I said. She even said, I dream about you but you are a great FRIEND. Not like he said he wished they could have sex or something. Or he wished he didn't have this wife so he could be with her. Those I would understand.