she wants to be married before living together?

[brahman]

me and my GF have always talked about getting married. like on serious level. we have been together for 7 months and she want me to prapose to her on our one year aniversery. i dont have a problem with this. i love her and i do want to be with her for a very long time.

 

now we are not planning to actually be married until about a year and a half after that. with her situation at home she would most likely have to move in with me before that. i have no problem with that either, i actually think it would be a good idea. she is really against it. she thinks if you are willing to make the commitment to live together then you should be married.

 

i dont think that living together is a commitment at all. to me living together is a good way to try each other out and see how well you fit with each other. i do not know what she is like to be with from sunrise to sunset except for a weekend or two when her parents were out of town. i told her this and she still thinks we should be married first.

 

her reasons were this

1. she was told that like 1/3 of all people who lived together before they were married get devorced.

2. her parents wouldnt aprove.

3. she has 3 differents friends who live with their BF and they'er BF havent marriewd them yet, she is worried i will put it off like they have.

 

i suppose the true argueing will be a while from now, but i jsut wanted to here some input from you guys and girls out there.

[CATLOVER]

Personally I think along the same lines as her. I am 34 ..had three serious relationships and never lived with any of them. The men wanted to.....but I think that living together before marriage is saying that hey I really like you alot even love you but not enough to commit to you. Its like having one foot in the door and one foot out.......and not being married is an escape route. Thing is that if you go ahead and live together , not get married and then break up...it is going to feel like breaking up a marriage anyway. My view is you can in fact work out if infact you want to commit to someone without having to live with them first....so if you are not sure if you want to yet.....just take your time and enjoy the relationship as it is until you know in your heart that you either want to commit or not.

 

Everyone is going to have a different view on this...but the most important element is that your girlfriend and you are on the same page.

[charlotte_skye]

First off, you said in regards to propsoing to her " i love her and i do want to be with her for a very long time. "....You DO realise that marrge isnt for a 'very long time' but meant to be FOREVER?!

 

Also the 3 reasons your gf gave you about moving in with you before marrige....her no 1 reason was that 1/3 end in divorce..........well im not sure how living together n then being married was what caused the divorce?? if u decided on getting married AFTER having lived together wouldnt the divorce have nothing to do with having been living together?

 

2. Her parents wouldnt approve. ok sure, its tough but how much do u live our life by what ur parents think? i agree u should listen n allow an influence but on something so personal i think should be up to her not her parents, but this is an ok reason and a personal one at that i suppose.

 

3. you wont end up proposing. I think this is kinda silly. She shouldnt not move in with you to hurry u up in maryring her. she should trust what u do n not judge or predict your future actions thru other peoples.

 

But your asking for advice so i guess me talkin bout her reasons doesnt help, all i can say is maybe u should think about what her reasons say n mean to you n talk them over with her.

 

personaly i think 7 months is WAY too soon to be thinking of marrige ( again personal thing). sounds liek thru your pos she is making decisions n ur just goin along with them??

 

why make all these plans? why nto just go with flow? whats the rush?

[Raspberry]

First off, you said in regards to propsoing to her " i love her and i do want to be with her for a very long time. "....You DO realise that marrge isnt for a 'very long time' but meant to be FOREVER?!

 

Exactly. That is why I think that Brahman is rightly concerned about his girlfirend's refusal to live together before the prospect of marriage. At the moment he wants to be with her for a very long time, but cannot possibly say forever because he has not explored his relationship with her fully enough to make an informed judgement.

 

If you know what is good for you, Brahman, then you will not get married before moving in together. The warning signs are there. Not only are you not fully confident in your current relationship, which you are unlikely to solve without living together for a period to understand fully where each of you are coming from and what you expect in such an arrangement, your girlfriend does not appear to be mature enough for actual marriage.

 

For example, one of her reasons for rejecting your well-reasoned pre-marriage living-together proposal is that of her parents not approving it. Unfortunately, if she is going to let her life be ruled by what is acceptable by her parents' standards then she clearly is not ready for marriage currently. (Take note that there is a difference between evaluating her parents' standards and then agreeing with them, which I find quite acceptable, as opposed to taking their particular niceties in order to avoid their wrath, which is not something that fills me with confidence.) She needs to find her own reasons for her choice, and that should not include a misrepresented statistic and an anecdotal generalisation.

[Vanilla]

I dont think its ever a good idea when women rush marriage unless you have been together years and the guy has NEVER even brough it up-

 

anyways, I live with my boyfriend of 2 years now. We moved in about 3 mos ago because I moved back to my native country and he got into a really great abroad program here so we were delighted. We always talked about living together and how great it would be to wake up and fall asleep next to eachother. plus it only made sense to move in living in a new country for support too!

 

It can pretty much change everything. For us it wasn't that big a difference because before we spent day and night together. Hoever it does feel like we are married, I cook for him, we do laundry together, we even argue about why he left his socks under the bed! I really support what the poster said about if we break up. If we broke up now it would make it SO much harder for me to deal with because its leaving our life together- but we're not married so nothing but our hope and love for a future together is holding us together and no matter how much love and hope, its still different.

 

i wouldnt look at the statistics for an excuse not to live together before getting married.

 

my boyfriend says he finds this great because then he'll really know how we get along and shouldnt have any doubts about marriage with time.

 

I try not to even think about it. Im too young to be thinking M, I think.

 

I am 20 yrs old and I believe you are around the same...

 

I dont particularly think marriage is sometimes best before being more stable in a career because what if it sends you off to another country and she cant come? OK Im rambling off now.

 

I g uess it all depends up to the both of you, and if you both disagree and a lot of things about moving in before or after marriage maybe its just best not to move in for now.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

her reasons were this

1. she was told that like 1/3 of all people who lived together before they were married get devorced.

2. her parents wouldnt aprove.

3. she has 3 differents friends who live with their BF and they'er BF havent marriewd them yet, she is worried i will put it off like they have.

 

 

Well, reason number one is not exactly accurate, it all depends on the REASON why people got shaked up together depends on whether people get divorced or not. But I can see why this reason would want her to put things off.

 

Reason number 2 is a very valid reason. Family comes first and foremost and if she is close to her family and cares a great deal about how they veiw her, then this should be end of discussion.

 

Reason number 3, another valid reason. Men tend to get very comfortable with their women living with them and they put off asking to marry them. I have seen it time and time again and I have personal experience with that one.

 

I think, personally, you guys are too young. Living together IS a committment. I live with my boyfriend, almost 4 years, no ring by the way, and it's tough. It takes a great deal of committment and understanding and should not be viewed as an opportunity to "play house." Marriage is FOREVER!!! I would wait for a while and see what happens. What's the rush. If you guys in a truly committed relationship and truly committed to each other, then you guys would be able to withstand this obstacle and wait.

 

I wish you the best in what ever happens and take care.

[Beec]

This is something you need to work out. If she does not want to move in with you before you are amrreid, you cannot force her to do so. Accept she does not, and don't argue about it.

 

If you are going to marry her, do it. If she wants to live together, you can do that. But no logical argument is goign to help you here. She does not feel like doing it, so she won't. And she mostly does not feel like doing it because of how her parents will feel. She does not want to have clashes with them over this, so your living together will wait.

 

On one other note, I know when she wants you to propose, but when do you want to propose. Make sure you want to marry her, first. But I mgiht also do it when she did not expect it.

[RayKay]

Well, everyone has different ideas on whether they should live together before marriage or not....and that's fine. But the important thing is you can both come to a compromise, or both be on the same page - or friction is bound to happen.

 

1. she was told that like 1/3 of all people who lived together before they were married get devorced.

 

Well, these statistics are rather skewed. It all depends on the reasons why people moved in, and why they married. Sometimes they moved in to save money, and getting married was next logical step, rather then truly wanting too. Sometimes it was because one had idea they would get married within a time frame, the other did not, but felt pressured to go ahead with it. If you look more into the stats, you will find many reasons why the rate may be a bit higher, which is not a guarantee those reasons would NOT be there if you got married, then moved in together.

 

Personally, I think living together before marriage is a VERY good thing, because it truly does teach you about your partner, and teach you how well you operate together as a couple and a team when the daily stresses are there. Yes, marriage might means it's LESS likely you can just "bolt" if you find out you don't fit due to legalities and a commitment, but that does not mean it will be a happier or more successful relationship!

 

If you are both against it, I still advise you take trips together, have lived on your own individually at least, to get an idea of what real life is (actually I advise that even if you will live together before marriage at some point - living on your own is a VERY good experience I wish more people did!).

 

2. her parents wouldnt aprove.

 

A valid concern as her parents have raised her, but she is also an adult and needs to make her own decisions. I am sure her parents might not approve of everything she does in her life, but most parents love their children and support them in their decisions even so.

 

 

3. she has 3 differents friends who live with their BF and they'er BF havent marriewd them yet, she is worried i will put it off like they have.

 

See, this goes back to the REASONS you are moving in. You need to discuss them. If you both agree you are moving in, either before you are engaged or after, with the plan of getting married in 1.5 years, then you have the same goal. If one of you is doing it with idea you are testing the relationship, the other with idea to get married in 6 months - that will cause some conflict, and yes, you may decide you are not right for one another. Better to find that out now rather than later.

 

In my experiences, and those of others I know...when a man truly wants to marry you, he WILL. Whether they are living together or not, he WILL.

 

 

 

Personally, I think she fears if you move in together, you will decide you don't want to marry her as you don't fit. And that IS a possibility - but I personally believe it is ESSENTIAL to truly know your partner and your relationship before you get married. If you move in, and find out you don't fit, that she is not mature enough, or she can't stand all your habits....isn't it better to know BEFORE you get married.

 

 

Honestly though - for you two...I will say the following, you are both very young, and it is WAY too soon (7 months along) to SERIOUSLY be planning marriage.

 

I know you love her, and she you, but if it is truly love, you have all the time in the world. Get to know each other...do not propose on the 1 year just because she expects it (I expect to her it's romantic)...look at it REALISTICALLY too. The honeymoon period at your age, often will last a year, so wait LONGER then that to truly know. Spend more time around one another to truly see if you are right.

 

Marriage is NOT a lifelong honeymoon and sleepover...it is a very serious undertaking. With the right people, and the right attitude and perspective on it, it can be fulfilling, wonderful and amazing. For those going into it blindly, young, romantically without looking at all the nitty gritty details (ie financial, children, career, etc) it can be a MEGA harsh reality hit.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love living with my bf, I have been now for 9 months, we are planning on getting married, and buying a house. The difference here too though is I and he both have a lot of life and relationship experiences to know whether this was right, and for US, we both agreed living together was a step for us...we KNEW we wanted to be together as we grew old, so moving in together was a TRUE experience for us to see if we really COULD be together forever and that we would work well together

 

You can't convince her to change her mind, she can't convince you to change yours - if you can't come to a compromise though this is the FIRST big indicator you definitely should not be rushing into something like marriage where there will be many instances where you need to make big decisions and compromises. Be sure you truly want FOREVER before you marry her, not just because you want to be with her a long time...there is a difference in attitude, and commitment.

[Meow18]

I think you need to respect her reasons, whether or not they are "good" reasons. And she needs to respect your reasons. If she doesn't want to move in with you until you get married, and you don't want to get married soon.. then don't marry her until you are ready, and she can wait to move in.

 

It's funny that she is so concerned about moving in with you because of the divorce thing, but she doesn't think rushing you to get married has a good chance in ending in divorce.. I think rushing into marriage has a greater chance in ending in divorce than living together before you are married.

 

If you have any doubts, don't do it. But don't expect her to respect your decisions, if you can't respect hers.

 

It seems like your biggest concern is that you don't know what she might be like to live with.. and you don't know if it's something you can deal with. That's why it's smart to be with someone for a couple of years before talking about marriage. You really get to know a person after you grow together for awhile, and you don't even need to live with them full time.

[kellbell]

"It's funny that she is so concerned about moving in with you because of the divorce thing, but she doesn't think rushing you to get married has a good chance in ending in divorce.. I think rushing into marriage has a greater chance in ending in divorce than living together before you are married."

 

Very good point Maggie, very well put. Pay special attention to that statement brahman. I hope everything works out for you guys.

[RayKay]

It's funny that she is so concerned about moving in with you because of the divorce thing, but she doesn't think rushing you to get married has a good chance in ending in divorce.. I think rushing into marriage has a greater chance in ending in divorce than living together before you are married.

 

Exactly true! Read that many many times over brahman! Marriage in itself does not "guarantee" lifelong happiness and commitment...and her belief is why I suggested that she wanted to marry you to "keep you" and based on romantic ideals...

 

 

It's also why I said that I think 7 months is WAY too soon, especially at that age, to be seriously planning engagement at 1 year along.

 

You love her, thats understandable, but only propose if you are SURE you want to marry her and want to be with her forever. You have LOTS of time, don't rush it.

[novaseeker]

I agree with what everyone has said about not rushing into a marriage ... it's probably the single-biggest reason why people get divorced, actually.

 

But, on the other issue ... I honestly think it is rather risky to get married to someone whom you've never lived with. Loving someone is one thing, living with their quirks is another! You have to be able to tolerate the quirks and idiosyncrasies of another person if you are going to live with them comfortably and you really don't see all of them until you live with someone (whether that happens before you're married or not). I think people who first live together on their wedding day are taking a risk ... doesn't mean it's a fatal risk, but it's an additional risk factor.

[BellaDonna]

An interesting read on cohabitation "causing" divorce link removed

 

As RayKay mentioned, those statistics are not completely valid. Also they are simply looking at the trends in rates of cohabitation (living together) and divorce. Even if there's an increase in cohabitation and an increase in divorce- those are just 2 trends (correlations)...... It is not enough to imply that one causes the other. For example: Each year one will see both an increase in ice cream sales and an increase in drowning .... does that mean eating ice cream makes more people drown? No. In fact, neither causes the other- the true cause is the season of summer which creates increases in both.

 

The true relationship between cohabitation and divorce is still unknown. Some researchers are suggesting that it's actually the personality characteristics of cohabitators that could play a role in affecting the divorce rates. Again that's just another theory.

 

"But it's not cohabitation that causes divorce," Stern emphasizes. "Rather, the people who cohabit are simply different from those who marry right away; their matches overall tend not to be as good. In fact, our study suggests that if there were less of a stigma associated with cohabitation and more people lived together before marriage, the divorce rate would fall because everyone would learn more about their partners' annoying habits before tying the knot."

 

 

So your girlfriend's fears about moving in together are unfounded. I think rushing into a marriage would likely cause a divorce much more than simply living together. If you truly want to spend the rest of your lives together, then moving in is not going to change that.

 

As far as her parents not approving- They'll get over it. I come from a traditional Italian family and moving in with my husband before marriage caused quite a stir with my parents and grandparents. With time they calmed down.

 

In regards to her fearing that living together will somehow make you lazy and you will not want to bother getting married, that shows that she has some insecurities about your devotion to this relationship. Thos are issues she'll have to deal with inside. My best advice would be to assure her that you are not like her friend's boyfriends and to focus on your relationship, not theirs.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Interesting link Bella, though I for my personal situation have to say I differ from what they said in that we moved in together because we were not sure about whether we wanted to go that path...for us it just had more to do with our upbringing, beliefs, goals, and the progression of our relationship for us.

 

We both knew very early on we wanted to be together, but given we had been together only a short while, also knew MARRIAGE was not the right thing for us at that point (we moved in together 3 months into relationship). So, obviously we both realize that would of been way too soon for us to get married, as much as we both truly felt we were meant for one another, so living together was the next step until then! Seemed like a much wiser choice at that stage/point! We are both in our late 20s and had enough relationship and life experience to know something great when we found it and upon discussion, decided we were moving in for the right reasons (in our opinion) and the rest is sweet history...

 

That's of course not to say it (marriage) is not in our future, just that everyone has their own progression or natural development for a relationship - each person is different, thereforeeee each couple will be different. I have no regrets about moving in together these several months later, it only cemented by belief we are right for one another, and are a strong couple - individual quirks and all!

 

Personally though I feel brahmans gf is trying to "secure" him and his love, not realizing that marriage in itself is NOT security. I get the feeling she is very young in her experiences as of yet in her life. I just don't feel personally they would be moving forward with the right reasons in the long run.

[Stari]

1. she was told that like 1/3 of all people who lived together before they were married get devorced.

If this is true, and if it also true that 50 % of all couples divorce, then couples who cohabit before marriage are actually less likely to divorce than couples who have not cohabited.

 

2. her parents wouldnt aprove.

She has not cut her strings to the parents. She wants her parent's approval more than she wants your approval.

[BellaDonna]

I have no regrets about moving in together these several months later, it only cemented by belief we are right for one another, and are a strong couple - individual quirks and all!

 

Moving in did the same thing for me too. Living with my husband beforehand only solidified our feelings for one another- and showed us that we are very successful living together. I personally would not marry someone unless I could live with them first. You need to know what their habits are and how they truly "live".

 

Living togther can teach you things you never knew before. And if those things are negative, and you can't stand them- it's far better to find that out before you tie the knot. (If your partner uses your toothbrush to clean their shoes- that's something you'd want to know BEFORE you say "I Do" )

 

 

BellaDonna

[ratherbesailing]

Brahman, I feel for you. My girlfriend is 50 and her friends still tell her not to move in without the ring. You can't blame her, she's been trained to think that way.

 

Just explain to her that you don't doubt your commitment or hers but that you aren't as perfect as she thinks you are now and you want to make sure she's happy and can live comfortably with you with all your faults and quirks. Make sure she understands it is her feelings you are worried about, not just your own. Be compasionate but firm, women say they like a take charge kind of guy.

 

There's no rush, tell her you want her to grow to know you, seven months isn't enough. Your love is great but it takes more than just love to make a happy marriage. I'll bet most divorced people were in love and probably still are.

 

Having the same interests is great to but what I've found is most important is to find someone honest with integrity. Make sure she's not selfish and cares as much about your feelings as you do about her's. Someone like that will understand waiting. Make sure she's got a lid on her ego and doesn't feel that she's better or above other people.

 

I didn't live with my first wife before we got married at 21 but I don't think it would have made a difference anyhow. We were in love and I had her up on a pedestal and couldn't see and didn't understand the things that were most important. The signs were all there, I just wasn't paying any attention to them.

 

You have little control over who you fall in love with but character does matter so try to take off the blinders and really evaluate the woman you are considering marrying and how she treats her friends, your friends, siblings, parents, ex-boyfriends and even the people she doesn't like. She doesn't have to be perfect, no one is, but take some time to really get to know her in good times and bad.

 

If you want to get her something for your anniversay, how about a hope chest? What ever happened to that symbol of intention before the final lifetime commitment of the ring. Get her a ring on your third anniversay after you've lived together for a year or two and really know what she's all about and after she's found out that you're not as perfect as she thinks you are now?

 

Good luck

[brahman]

this really has been some great advice. but like i said before, this is an argument a little while from now.

for now she really is set in her ideas about this. it is pointless for me to argue before the time actually comes.

 

you guys have argued away all of her arguments which is cool except for the parents thing. she will believe until it actually happens that her p[arents will boot her from the family. they are mormone is that helps any, with the whole beliefs thing.

 

for now things are okay, but i still get nervous to think we might be together forever. sometimes we argue about the dumbest things, we have always been able to talk it out, but i dont want problems like that to happen 10 years from now, it would just bring me down and make me depressed.

 

thanks all

[Luciana]

It gives me shivers when I see people who are as young as 20 talking about living together and marriage....they you realize how young you are to enter a committed relationship?

 

In 20 years you may really regret this decision. Just date until you are at least 25. Seriously.

 

As for living together vs. marriage, the statistics show how bad it is to live together. You have all the disadvantages of marriage without the advantages. Don't do it.

[Jessy]

I don't think people should even be engaged to me married until they've lived with someone for at least a year. When you live with someone, it's very hard to ignore the things they do that bother you. You'd be with them every day... you wouldn't have alone time, and you would have to comprimise on everything. Some people can be completely head-over-heals in love, but can't stand to live under the same roof! Wouldn't you like to know this before you commit to marriage? I actually know a couple who dated for 20 years before they got married, 15 of which were spent living together! The funny part about that is, since they've been married they bought a duplex. She lives upstairs, and he lives downstairs... but they sleep together. I'm not saying to go that extreme, but at least a year.... By then, the initial fun, honeymoon stage will have worn off, and you'll see eachothers true colors; the things you'll have to live with every day after marriage.

[beanpaper]

I don't see the purpose in pushing it. She'll only be made uncomfortable by it. Maybe as time goes by she'll change her tune - like, after she's wearing the ring and some of the planning is underway. But let it be her choice.

 

Maybe it would be best for her to live alone for awhile before deciding to marry, if her living situation at home is unbearable and she cannot morally move in with you.

[OceanEyes]

her reasons were this

1. she was told that like 1/3 of all people who lived together before they were married get devorced.

2. her parents wouldnt aprove.

3. she has 3 differents friends who live with their BF and they'er BF havent marriewd them yet, she is worried i will put it off like they have.

 

You do realize how impressionable these reasons are, right? I don't see any evidence of her own personal values here. What does she want? What does she really believe? Does she want to be a statistic, or believe that your relationship isn't unique?

 

At 20 years old, it's not surprising that she is still attached to her parents. However, when approaching an issue as serious, life-altering, and responsibility-bearing as getting married, if she can't just say "this is what I WANT", then I'm going to have to say that she's obviously not ready in the first place. And hey, at your age, that's totally fine. There is no sense or logic in rushing into something like this.

 

I, personally, would not even consider entering into a marriage with a man that I hadn't lived with for at least a year. Speaking as a woman who has actually lived with two long-term boyfriends, I can say with full confidence that there is a HELL of a lot you can learn about a person by simply sharing living space with them. Casual sleepovers are not enough to tell you what it would be like to actually live with a person indefinitely. In my last relationship, I learned things that actually broke me and my ex up by cohabitating.

 

Although I think it's a good idea to respect your girlfriend's views, I also think that you should uphold yours. YOU are 50% of your relationship, YOU are going to have to live with the consequences of the choices you make. Your opinions should absolutely matter and be taken into consideration by your woman. This is what's called compromise, and if you can't manage it now, as boyfriend-girlfriend, then you won't manage it as husband-wife.

 

Respect her views, but remember that yours are just as important and deserve respect. If you can't reach an understanding, then that should tell you something about her and your future as well.

[RayKay]

Very VERY well said Ocean, and I completely agree that I personally WOULD NOT consider marrying someone without having lived together first.

 

Honestly, I have met some people who did get married before living together, and rapidly discovered they simply could NOT live together - but now they feel bound to because they are married. Sure marriage is commitment, but why not know all you CAN know before you make that commitment? Why throw yourself into committing to someone you are not even sure you can LIVE with?

[OceanEyes]

Ditto RayKay! Imagine getting married, then discovering that you and your girlfriend couldn't live together. Trust me, it takes a while of actually living under the same roof to discover all those 'little things'. The argument of "well, if two people love each other, they should be able to work through it" doesn't sit well with me. It takes more than love to make a marriage work.

[beanpaper]

Love is a decision that you make. Sometimes people are ready to make that decision with less "proof", but it can still work. I see what you both are saying, but if a couple waits, it can work just fine. I think that with the reasons this girl is giving, it's likely she'll change her mind.

 

I actually think it's more important that someone experience living on their own before marraige than it is to experience living with your prospective spouse.