Anamarie89 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 So the you know what hit the fan and my parents found out that I'd been having sex. With my boyfriend. Who is 18. The punishment is that I can't see him for three months and can't have sex for a year and a half. And this is so hard because before we'd spend all this time together, as much as possible, but then he moved to college and I haven't seen him for three weeks. Which felt like an eternity until now. So I'm asking myself, do I really love this guy, enough to be with him and not have sex for the next year and a half? We've been having sex for five months out of the one year we were dating and it evolved into a big part of our relationship. Do I love him? Can I love him if we can't have sex? Can I live without him for three months? Three months isn't that long, I tell myself. Just three months, nothing. But at the same time, it's eternity. But as I sit here crying and I'm asking myself if its worth it. If I am strong enough and if I'm way less mature than I think I am. What if in a year and a half, we've changed so much and are no longer in love? It's so hard to look to the future when I don't know what I'm seeing. I feel like I'm now obligated to marry him, but what if he's not the one? I'm really kicking myself for making the decision to have sex in the first place. I'm so stupid, I'm the stupidest person ever. I ruined my life and I know it. I hate myself and I hate that I thought I was mature. I hate that I thought I knew everything. Guys... I don't have anyone to talk to. I need some comfort and I would appreciate anything especially personal stories because I don't want to be alone. I don't know who I am or why I'm here or if I can deal anymore or if it's worth it. Please... Link to comment
Serendipity1607307077 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I'm sorry to hear this... It is a lot to consider... you have to decide whether you love him and whether he loves you enough to wait it out.. if it's worth it, then you should confront your parents - try not to get narky about it or anything... but they should treat you like an adult about it. It is your life, and they are your parents, but they should be able to respect your choices in life. I remember when I lost my virginity at 17 to a 21 year old (I am still with the same guy), I walked in the door at home, and for some reason, my mum knew that I had done it!!!! It was very freaky... but she understood. She didn't question me about it.. she said "it's your life, as long as you took the precautions not to get pregnant and was smart about it, then it's your choice. I think you are with the right person." Truth is, I wasn't going to even attempt sex until I was married! Guess things don't go the way we plan. Link to comment
DN Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 You realise of course that if you break up with him you will prove your parents right? If you can't wait to have sex with him for a year and a half will they approve of you having sex with someone else? Link to comment
flowereyes Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 wow.... ummm all I have to say is since when do your parents have anything to do with your sex life? I know they are your parents, and they are looking out for you. But if they expect you to not have sex for a year and a half, they must be really out of their minds. I understand they are probably disappointed, but believe me... if you dont know now, you will soon learn. As much as your parents want to stop you and what you do, they cant, they can only give you advice, and let you learn from what YOUR life brings you. Another thing, you should not blame yourself... or kick yourself for anything. Obviously you were "ready" for that step in your relationship with your boyfriend. It isnt like, they are going to chain your pants closed... so he cant get it. Just think about it... my mum told me to wait, told me.. to be careful, I was... but I still did I what I did when I was your age, no one stopped me... and believe me, parents dont have much of say with your life, your relationships, and definatly your sex life.... take care, hope my words will make you realise a little. Link to comment
ImInLove232 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 First off....did you know that half of high school kids by age 16 have lost their virginity? true fact. I lost mine at 18, and I'm still with him. My parents never did and never will like him b/c of their ignorance. thereforeeee, I have to (yes i shamefully admit it) go out of my way to see him....I visit him in between classes, i lie to my parents that im hanging out with a friend and instead im with him. Together, we've struggled, and I praise him for dealing with it, but we're still strong, and because he loved me he waited and dealt with it. A long time ago i used to see it as 'sneeking' and now i see it as an opportunity to see my boyfriend because I love him alot. I had always made a promise to myself when i was a virgin that i would lose it someone i loved. I'm glad i did that, because i have never regreted it. Your parents love you, and are concerned about what you do, but they should not run your life. Whats the point of stopping you from seeing this guy for 3 months, and telling you you cant have sex with him for a YEAR AND A HALF? ...whats the difference between a year and a half and 2 weeks?.....in a sense theyre still letting you do it. You have already had sex with him, so whats the point of stopping it now? ...they definitely have the right to be angry with you about it b/c your their little girl, but instead they should emphasize birth control methods. I too always got upset when my parents didnt want me seeing my boyfriend......it takes time to get used too....but who said they have to adore your boyfriend? they should just accept him. .......and since theyll let you see him after three months....that pretty much means your back into 'sex land'....who says you wont have sex for a year and a half? they're full of bs. Sex doesnt make a relationship. Love does. Sex is only part of the equation. Its something thats between the two of you. Not only are you both emotionally intimate, but physically too. Sex brings two people closer together. Just because you have had sex with him, it should not make you feel obligated to marry him. Yes, it may feel like it now because he's your first, but after time you'll realize that everyone does it, and that he just happens to be 'the one' that 'took it' and you first experienced it with. There are tons of people that go into relationship after relationship and marry people that they didnt lose their virginity too. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 What I am more concerned with is that you seem to be doubting your feelings for him as it is. Perhaps it's better for you to spend some time apart from him and really think about whether or not you want to be with him. It sounds as though you also regret having sex, a good reason to stop, at least for awhile so you can grow and mature and decide if that's really something that you want. With sex comes alot of responsibility. It changes the dynamic of the relationship. If you aren't ready for that it's perfectly Ok to say so and to abstain until you feel comfortable with it. Does he know that you can't see him for three months? What does he say about it? Link to comment
combat_barbie Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Umm, I'm wondering why you think your not going to be able to have sex? What are your parents going to inspect you just be mroe careful about getting caught. honestly. Link to comment
Vert Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Does anyone notice that this was statutory rape? She is under the "legal" age and he is over it... By law it's rape. He's lucky her parents didn't press charges. Link to comment
combat_barbie Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Does anyone notice that this was statutory rape? She is under the "legal" age and he is over it... By law it's rape. He's lucky her parents didn't press charges. Has anyone noticed that the legal age is a lot of B.S. and that most teenagers have lost there virginity by the time they are 16 regardless of whether they are in a state which allows them to have sex or not. Also the fact that police can't prove that he had sex with her unless she willingly agrees to press charges. Her parents couldn't do anything if they tried as long as she didn't go along with it. I hardly think this is the slightest bit of an issue whatsoever. Link to comment
qpmomma Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I feel for you girl. But you really have pretty reasonable parents. When my sister was 17 my parents found out she was having sex. They put her under full house arrest and she was never allowed to see him again. At least your parents will let you see him. What if in a year and a half, we've changed so much and are no longer in love? Well, then you'll know. I know this may sound strange, but take this as an opportunity to really look at your relationship with out sex. It may help you find out if you really love him, or if you love the feeling. I hope it all works out for you. Christina Link to comment
Vert Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Does anyone notice that this was statutory rape? She is under the "legal" age and he is over it... By law it's rape. He's lucky her parents didn't press charges. Has anyone noticed that the legal age is a lot of B.S. and that most teenagers have lost there virginity by the time they are 16 regardless of whether they are in a state which allows them to have sex or not. Also the fact that police can't prove that he had sex with her unless she willingly agrees to press charges. Her parents couldn't do anything if they tried as long as she didn't go along with it. I hardly think this is the slightest bit of an issue whatsoever. Thanks for your response there, barbie. A little excited about this topic, are we? Regardless, it IS statutory rape whether you think it matters or not. Granted she would have to testify against him, but the parents can still use that threat as leverage. We all know that sexual abuse accusations are all that is needed in today's society -- it's guilty until proven innocent in that court of law. Also, I was just bringing up a VALID point about the law in this instance. Just because you don't seem to like that law doesn't mean it still doesn't apply here. Link to comment
PavPPZ1 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Does anyone notice that this was statutory rape? She is under the "legal" age and he is over it... By law it's rape. He's lucky her parents didn't press charges. How is this law helping this girl, obviously these laws are in place for a reason. In this case its freeking rediculous, two high school kids dating and they experiment and had sex, whoopty doo, please man. I dont understand why you would even bring this kind of a point up, where it is completely unnecessary. Its individuals like you that can unjustly ruin peoples lives based on the fact that a law exist. These things require common sense, dense interpretation of the law should be just as prohibited and punishable as breaking the law itself. Moving on! Secondly, you should acknoledge your parents, and most importantly talk to your boyfriend, tell him what your parents have said, and get his response. Obviously if you two will be seeing one another its doubtful that you will practice abstinance, especially if you are already sexually active. If you do then great job, its never easy to say no to sex when its readily available. Third you should be careful about sex any time you have it. This is probably most important, if you chose to have sex on your own volition its likely that you are indeed ready for it. Especially since you started having sex with someone around your age. There doesnt seem to be any manipulation or cooersion. These are all good things! Lastly If you feel like you wont be capable of not having sex with others, then you guys should perhaps put your relationship on hold, until your bf gets back from school or you guys aretogether again. Link to comment
DN Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I think it is reasonable to let a young girl know that her boyfriend could be in very serious trouble for having sex with her. People may think the law is ridiculous but if it did become known to the authorities they would press charges regardless - they are required to and have little or no discretion when it comes to statutory rape. Link to comment
Vert Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I think it is reasonable to let a young girl know that her boyfriend could be in very serious trouble for having sex with her. People may think the law is ridiculous but if it did become known to the authorities they would press charges regardless - they are required to and have little or no discretion when it comes to statutory rape. Exactly, and this is what I was trying to get accross to everyone. It is not something to brush aside no matter how rediculous you think it might be. It's in place to prevent child abuse which can be anything from emotional to physical to mental. She might not have been aware of the law but I guarantee he was aware of it. I think that ALL men know that having sex with a girl under the legal age (it varies per state, but usually 18 ) is statutory rape. Why else do we have the term "jail bait"? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 She might not have been aware of the law but I guarantee he was aware of it. Even if he was not aware of it, that does not absolve him from the responsiblity that comes with it, or protect him from the fact that he could face jail time should her parents choose to press charges. Ignorance is not a defense. Link to comment
Vert Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 She might not have been aware of the law but I guarantee he was aware of it. Even if he was not aware of it, that does not absolve him from the responsiblity that comes with it, or protect him from the fact that he could face jail time should her parents choose to press charges. Ignorance is not a defense. Hope I think you misunderstood. You just agreed with what I was saying -- he was aware of the law and he is not excused (hence that "every guy knows that law"). Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Yes, I know that I agreed with what you were saying Vert. I was further backing you up! Link to comment
Vert Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Yes, I know that I agreed with what you were saying Vert. I was further backing you up! Gotcha my bad on that. Link to comment
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