Do you think he cheated?

[Wonderland]

I posted once before, about my boyfriend and the name calling

 

Well, back in april we were in an argument about our sex life or something and he made a comment about some 19 year old girl at his office that was always giving him the eye and following him out during his smoke breaks who would probably want him if I did not.

 

Well, later on, he decided that he wanted to hang out with this girl.

 

To me, it felt like I was being pushed aside for this girl. He would hang out with her for hours on end atleast 5 nights a week. I had to BEG him to spend time with me. They would constantly going out to the lake and "talking" or "fishing". One night, he did not come home til 4am. Other nights, he was out til midnight, or 1. If they didn't go to the lake, they went to the park.

 

I was very very jealous of the amount of attention he would give this girl. If we were in the middle of a conversation and the phone rang (if it was her) he would stop what he was doing and talk to her instead. One night in May, I had lost my job of 2 years out of no where. I called him, sobbing, and he was out with her. I told him what happened, and he said he would call back. He never called. He came home at 12:30 that night.

 

I was very very very uneasy about the amount of time they spent together. I did things that I normally wouldn't do, like checking his cell phone and text messages. It showed that he would call me to tell me he was on his way home after being out with her, and then would be on the phone with her until he got home. One time I found a text message from her that said:

 

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to let my guard down, but I'm starting to have feelings for you"

 

I flipped out. I asked him, and he swore up and down that nothing was going on. I ended up losing 15 pounds because I was too much of a mess to eat.

He would not let me meet her even though I begged and begged.

We were fighting alot at that point. He would get up and go hang out with her if I made him upset.

 

He told me at one point that I should get my own apartment but give him back his key. And I wasn't to come over without calling first...

 

I went to Disneyworld with my family. At that point, they weren't hanging out as often, but he told me he was going to have her over one night to hang out. I trusted him.. .kinda... and tried to enjoy myself. I called him at 1am on both the house phone and his cell phone and got no answer.

The next morning he called and was so sweet. He told me how much he missed me (i had only been gone one day) and that he didn't want to fight anymore, he wanted to work things out and he wanted me to move in with him. He told me he did not want to hang out with Jody anymore.

I was surprised...

 

Since then, he hung out with her once... they went to a baseball game and then he came home straight afterwards.

 

Its been since May, but I can't get the thoughts of what might have happened out of my head.

I still to this day question what was going on between them. She had two children and he assured me he did not want to get involved in that.

I still tremble when I think of what happened. I still want to beat the daylights out of her when I think about her.

 

Am I just untrusting, or does it sound like he cheated?

[darkblue]

Possibly.

Does it matter? If he did, would you leave him?

 

It sounds very suspcious and just for him spending so much time with her and not you, I would recommend re-evaluating your relationship.

But I doubt even if he was cheating on you now that you'd leave him.

 

Did you read that link I gave you?

[Wonderland]

Possibly.

Does it matter? If he did, would you leave him?

 

 

If I found out FOR SURE. YES. No doubt about it i would pack my stuff and leave within the first moments of it being confirmed.

[darkblue]

So you will put up with an abusive partner; but not a cheat, huh?

[Wonderland]

So you will put up with an abusive partner; but not a cheat, huh?

 

 

I assume its because in my mind, the cheating is worse.

I can't explain it... I just cant handle a cheater... The abuse, I believe I can change. The cheating can not be changed

[darkblue]

Unbelievable.

How do you suggest you find out if he cheated or not?

We can't tell you.

[Wonderland]

Unbelievable.

How do you suggest you find out if he cheated or not?

We can't tell you.

 

I thought maybe someone could give an unbiased opinion based on the information I have provided. I am naturally suspiscious, so I cant make an informed decision on my own about this.

[darkblue]

Well I'm not emotionally involved - so I can tell you that I don't think you are to blame for being suspicious. I would be too.

 

But I think you're 50% to blame for staying in an abusive relationship.

[Wonderland]

Well I'm not emotionally involved - so I can tell you that I don't think you are to blame for being suspicious. I would be too.

 

But I think you're 50% to blame for staying in an abusive relationship.

 

 

50% to blame for what exactly? If he cheated on me? Dude, if he cheated on ME, i highly doubt I am to blame.

 

And honesty, I came here for advice and help, not ridicule

[darkblue]

Well I'm not emotionally involved - so I can tell you that I don't think you are to blame for being suspicious. I would be too.

 

But I think you're 50% to blame for staying in an abusive relationship.

 

 

50% to blame for what exactly? If he cheated on me? Dude, if he cheated on ME, i highly doubt I am to blame.

 

And honesty, I came here for advice and help, not ridicule

 

No - I believe you are 50% to blame for staying in an abusive relationship.

 

I have given you my advice to you - Leave him.

[Wonderland]

 

 

50% to blame for what exactly? If he cheated on me? Dude, if he cheated on ME, i highly doubt I am to blame.

 

And honesty, I came here for advice and help, not ridicule

 

No - I believe you are 50% to blame for staying in an abusive relationship.

 

I have given you my advice to you - Leave him.

 

 

And I have said that I am deeply in love with him and find it extremely difficult to leave behind everything I love. Its going to take some time...

[Bethany]

I'm sorry to say this but from what you have written about the events its sounds like he has slept with her that night and the next day felt guilty hence his nice warm call to you.

He may very well regret it and it probably is over now they finally have done it.

It's only an opinion from what you have wrote though so trust your gut instinct on this one as I may be wrong.

[darkblue]

I don't believe it's love - I think it's fear.

[eddie500]

NIce style darkblue, like the directness...

 

Well your questoin on if he cheated.. Yeah he probably did cheat.. guys and girls don't hang out together and not have sex when the girl is WILLING.

 

He is also emotionally attached to this girl and not you, this is supposed to actually be worse for a girl then the guy cheating. LIke would you dump him if he said he hooked up with a prostitute for a night?

[DN]

No one here can say for sure if he physically cheated with this girl but I think he certainly cheated emotionally. He cheated the relationship out of his time and presense and commitment. He knowingly caused you pain and feelings of abandonment. He had no regard for how you felt or thought.

 

I understand that you say you love him but I can't understand why. It seems to me that what you are feeling is more dependency that love and they are two very different things. I think you would be well-advised to do some serious self-analysis to discover why you put up with his behaviour and his abuse.

 

I don't think you are 50% to blame, although I can see where darkblue is coming from on that. But I do think you are endangering your own well-being by staying in this relationship and I think you should discover within yourself why you would do that.

 

Maybe seeing a counsellor would help you understand yourself a little better.

[darkblue]

I understand that you say you love him but I can't understand why. It seems to me that what you are feeling is more dependency that love

 

Precisely.

[Danielle1]

WOW!! I CANT BELIEVE YOU PUT UP WITH THAT. and this is coming from one of the most trusting girlfriends in the world. Guys don't just have girl friends who they hang out with 5 TIMES A WEEK and talk to more than their actual girlfriend. i'm sorry to say it, but in my opinion, he cheated on you. tell him to go @#$% himself and start a new life. he's not worth it and you can probably do so much better. good luck sweetie.

[Kurodashi]

DN hit the nail on the head. Emotional cheating, at the least.

There is absolutly no way Id stay with someone like that. If he didnt cheat then, he may in the future. He definatly has cheating capabilities. It's shown by the fact that he put her before you.

And thats EXACTLY what he did.

 

Its NOT on, I dont care if you love him enough to die for him, either way you shouldnt have to put up with that treatement under *any* circumstance.

If you think its absolutly impossible to leave him, try councilling.

 

Theres absolutly no way youre going to come out of this a stronger couple if you dont at least seek a professionals help. In my personal opinion I feel this guy is a real jerk, and you definatly diserve better.

 

It'll probably take you another year of heartache to believe it though *sighs* I didnt listen to the advice I was given on this forum initially either. Now I know what people told me was right.

 

I urge you to please consider breaking up with this guy. He obviously doesnt care about you more than his friends, which he SHOULD.

 

Snobbing you off for friends, male or female, is down right rude. Hes treating you like some thing on the side, when he should be treating you like the apple of his eye, yknow?

Find someone who really loves you. Not just a sweet talker who tells you what you want to hear, but has absolutly no actions to back it up.

[yeawutever]

Well I can't say for sure whether he cheated or not, but he did emotional abuse u and like abandone u by hanging out with her much more than with u. Right from the start u should have given him the last straw, telling him "Ok mister is either me u gonna hang out with or the other girl". If he chose the other girl then u should have dump him. AND NO CHEATING ISN'T WORSE THAN ABUSE, THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME AND SOMEHTING I WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH. IF HE WAS MY B/F HE WOULD BE GONE NOW, GOOD BYE FOR GOOD. He's showing u that he doens't care about u and isn't committed. So yea, can't believe u put up with that. What he did is completely disrespectful and in no one should be tolerated.

[darkblue]

NO CHEATING ISN'T WORSE THAN ABUSE, THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME

Matter of opinion, really.

 

I've been cheated on and I doubt it does as much damage to your self esteem or personal wellbeing as abuse does.

[yeawutever]

I've been cheated on and I doubt it does as much damage to your self esteem or personal wellbeing as abuse does.

 

Reason I say they're both equal is cuz it does affect the way u feel and yes both affect the relation. In an abusive person u would keep thinking if he/she will change, same as a cheater, will he/she change and stop cheating. Hate to say it but cheating, lying or abuse of any type is definitely a break up to me. THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME CUZ UR DISRESPECTING UR G/F, B/F AND UR ALSO SHOWING THAT U DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM AND THAT THE RELATION MEANS LITTLE TO U. THATS WHY I SAY CHEATING, LYING AND ABUSE ARE ALL THE SAME. THEY EQUAL DISRESPECT AND CARELESSNESS.

[yeawutever]

darkblue wrote: I've been cheated on and I doubt it does as much damage to your self esteem or personal wellbeing as abuse does.

 

Yall people should disagree, they're both equally damaging.

[Hope75]

We can't tell you whether or not he cheated in the physical sense. However, DN is exactly right when he says that he did intentionally use his relationship with this other woman, however serious it was, to hurt you emotionally and control you. After everything I've heard about this guy I am also confused as to why you love him. I agree with DN that it is more dependancy than love.

 

Do you really think someone that treats you this way loves you? Don't you feel that in addition to loving someone, that you deserve to be loved back, and treated with respect and consideration?

[Shadows Light]

[quote name="Wonderland

The abuse, I believe I can change. [/quote]

 

HELLO... you can't change them. You can't fix them. Only a person who wants to change ..can change. No no no no.. abuse is abuse. I've walked this route. How many of us women have walked this route and thought we could SAVE them. NURTURE them. All they need is LOVE..and they will be the wonderful person WE SEE in them. NOPE.

 

He's spending more time with her than you. First of all. I applaud you on the fact that you are not.. intimidated or jealous of the fact that a man and woman can be "FRIENDS" thats great.

 

BUTT... male friend or female friend.. and he's spending more time with them than you. NOPE. Something smells in the state of Denmark.

 

I am not saying that he cheated on you. There is no evidence of that. Circumstatial yes. But that'd get thrown out of court and you know it.

 

and... too late for that. The seed has been planted. You are suspecting. And once that starts well... houston we have a problem.

 

Have you told him? asked him? vented or voiced your suspicions? does he see your point of view? Does he meet you half-way? Can you take.. what excuse he gives you today. And leave it at that? I mean. Lets just say for the sake of argument he did not cheat and but he's making an effort now.. can you buy that? And if he DID infact cheat.. and found out he made a mistake. A huge huge mistake. And he's rather not hurt you and not admit it. But he's making amends now.. Will you believe him.. and go with it.. no matter what??

 

I think you have a problem with the platform on which your relationship is standing. Communication. You need to effectively communicate to him.. what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior. ie. "You are spending entirely too much time with your female friend and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Because we dont' spend that kind of time together." and come to some sort of workable compromise. Since he pushed and pushed at the envelope and the boundary kept moving over and over... he apparrently doens't respect your feelings. OR he thought it was OK. You allowed it. So, how could it have been wrong.

 

You both need to talk. And you need to re-evaluate what you want and need from this relationship and set some ground rules.

[djedix]

Your boyfriend, hung out with another girl more than you...

Many nights a week, late into the night...

 

If they werent having sex... Then the earth isn't round.

 

He had no respect for you or the relationship. He basically had 2 relationships at once.. and you let him... because you were afraid to confront him about it... You should just told him his behaviour was unacceptable, and broke up with him...

 

Listen some people say having oppisite sex friends is fine... I think so to the point where you hang out with them with a bunch of friends, or at work, or something, but i don't think its right if you are in a loving caring relationship with someone to be hanging out with someone else, more then the b/f or g/f. It's all about respect.