when your not interested...question for girls and guys

[SeaBisquit]

how do you handle a situation like this? do you be polite or direct? a person walks up to you in a club. you start chatting and find that you have nothing in common with this person at all. the person later asks you for your phone number and you don't want to give it out. Do you be direct and tell them to get lost? or do you be polite and give them a fake number?

[hot_to_trot]

I would be honest and tell them that you aren't interested in dating.

[cinderelly]

i can't be direct because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. so i give out a fake number.

[RayKay]

I think giving out a fake number is pretty classless...and far more hurtful. It just lets you get away from not seeing the look when they call. I don't it is "polite" to give them a fake number at all.

 

I think you either just say "I am not available" (and really, whether this be because you are taken, or because you are not interested in dating them...it's true) or "Sorry, I am not interested" - which is more honest but sometimes too direct for some people to want to say.

[jna35]

I agree with RayKay. Another thing to think about if you give them a fake number is what if you happen to run into them again at the same club or another. I'd say it's much more hurtful to be dishonest than to just say I'm sorry, but I am unavailable. Otherwise you are giving someone a shred of hope and that's unfair.

[JC2006]

i can't be direct because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. so i give out a fake number.

That's baloney. The real reason is that you would rather not be there to see their feelings being hurt. Better for them to find out later when you're not around. Nothing wrong with that, but at least let's be honest.

[kellbell]

Tell the person you not interested in dating, that you are just out having a good time. That's it, don't have to mean, classless, or lie.

[cinderelly]

hi, i knew you guys were going to dog me for my response. but i have been direct with guys in the past and some of them don't take no for a answer. i even get hit on by other guys when i'm standing there with my bf. my bf says that it is because i'm a friendly person. i don't like to hurt peoples feelings. and i have said no to a few guys before and they asked me why i didn't like them. it hurts me to explain.

[BellaDonna]

i even get hit on by other guys when i'm standing there with my bf

 

Tell them that you have a boyfriend, and you're not interested in dating.

 

Giving a fake number is not a good idea- especially if you bump into the guy again one day. The same crowd genreally attends certain clubs. I think the prospect of running into guy after you once him a fake number is far more uncomfortable then just telling him the truth the first time.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Stari]

If it feels like a good thing to say, odds are you lying.

 

Comfort vs. Integrity; Which do you value the most?

 

If you value integrity, "Sorry, I am not interested" is the right thing to say.

Anything else is lying by omission.

 

The exception is if you are in a relationship in which case "I am not available" is both the truth and feels good to say.

[annie24]

hi, i knew you guys were going to dog me for my response. but i have been direct with guys in the past and some of them don't take no for a answer. i even get hit on by other guys when i'm standing there with my bf. my bf says that it is because i'm a friendly person. i don't like to hurt peoples feelings. and i have said no to a few guys before and they asked me why i didn't like them. it hurts me to explain.

 

Well... I don't want to sound rude, but I don't see why it is so difficult to say to a guy, "No, I'm sorry, I already have a boyfriend, he's standing over there." It's not a mean thing to say to someone. If anything, having a hard time saying no to a guy who is hitting on you is rude to your bf!

 

Or, even if you're not taken, how do you respond to telemarketers? I just say, "no thanks" and hang up. A guy at a club once gave me his number and told me to call him so we could get dinner together. I said, "Um... I think you're too old for me." (He was about 20 years older than me.) He said, "that ok, take my number in case you change your mind." and he walked away. I think he took that pretty well. They're not going to cry or stomp or whatever. They get over it.

 

Or, you can be like my best friend. A guy was approaching her at a club, and before he even had a chance to say a word, she looked him up and down and said, 'No." And the guy just turned right back, looking somewhat embarrassed.

[DN]

hi, i knew you guys were going to dog me for my response. but i have been direct with guys in the past and some of them don't take no for a answer. i even get hit on by other guys when i'm standing there with my bf. my bf says that it is because i'm a friendly person. i don't like to hurt peoples feelings. and i have said no to a few guys before and they asked me why i didn't like them. it hurts me to explain.

 

Well... I don't want to sound rude, but I don't see why it is so difficult to say to a guy, "No, I'm sorry, I already have a boyfriend, he's standing over there." It's not a mean thing to say to someone. If anything, having a hard time saying no to a guy who is hitting on you is rude to your bf!

 

Or, even if you're not taken, how do you respond to telemarketers? I just say, "no thanks" and hang up. A guy at a club once gave me his number and told me to call him so we could get dinner together. I said, "Um... I think you're too old for me." (He was about 20 years older than me.) He said, "that ok, take my number in case you change your mind." and he walked away. I think he took that pretty well. They're not going to cry or stomp or whatever. They get over it.

 

Or, you can be like my best friend. A guy was approaching her at a club, and before he even had a chance to say a word, she looked him up and down and said, 'No." And the guy just turned right back, looking somewhat embarrassed.

 

To be honest I think what your friend did was at least as bad giving a fake number. That sort of demeaning and humiliating action is why so many guys on here agonise about approaching women - and why so many women flat out refuse to take the risk of approaching guys at all. It's perfectly ok to reject someone - but how it is done says more about the rejector than the rejectee. Why not a smile and a polite "No thank you, but it's very flattering that you asked."?

[annie24]

We were at a vegas nightclub that night. She's very attractive, guys are constantly hitting on her wherever she goes. I think she just didn't feel like being nice at that moment. DN - I think if you were a hot 25 year old woman, you would see her point of view...

[DN]

We were at a vegas nightclub that night. She's very attractive, guys are constantly hitting on her wherever she goes. I think she just didn't feel like being nice at that moment. DN - I think if you were a hot 25 year old woman, you would see her point of view...

 

I'm sure it can get tedious at times for hot girls. But if she were a guy that may just have received a lot of advice from his friends, or from people on here, to take courage and approach women, even attractive ones, and then be humiliated like that, she might see it from his point of view.

[Kurodashi]

If I was dating someone at the time, Id tell them flat out I was taken and not give them a number.

 

If I was single, I'd give them my real number. Why? Because chatting to someone in a nightclub isn't exactly a fair judge of what theyre really like.

Not to mention, they rarely ever call once theyve sobered up anyway.

 

However, if they were being rude, sexist and nasty, Id just tell them no and walk away.

[Miss M]

hi, i knew you guys were going to dog me for my response. but i have been direct with guys in the past and some of them don't take no for a answer. i even get hit on by other guys when i'm standing there with my bf. my bf says that it is because i'm a friendly person. i don't like to hurt peoples feelings. and i have said no to a few guys before and they asked me why i didn't like them. it hurts me to explain.

 

Well... I don't want to sound rude, but I don't see why it is so difficult to say to a guy, "No, I'm sorry, I already have a boyfriend, he's standing over there." It's not a mean thing to say to someone. If anything, having a hard time saying no to a guy who is hitting on you is rude to your bf!

 

Or, even if you're not taken, how do you respond to telemarketers? I just say, "no thanks" and hang up. A guy at a club once gave me his number and told me to call him so we could get dinner together. I said, "Um... I think you're too old for me." (He was about 20 years older than me.) He said, "that ok, take my number in case you change your mind." and he walked away. I think he took that pretty well. They're not going to cry or stomp or whatever. They get over it.

 

Or, you can be like my best friend. A guy was approaching her at a club, and before he even had a chance to say a word, she looked him up and down and said, 'No." And the guy just turned right back, looking somewhat embarrassed.

 

To be honest I think what your friend did was at least as bad giving a fake number. That sort of demeaning and humiliating action is why so many guys on here agonise about approaching women - and why so many women flat out refuse to take the risk of approaching guys at all. It's perfectly ok to reject someone - but how it is done says more about the rejector than the rejectee. Why not a smile and a polite "No thank you, but it's very flattering that you asked."?

 

As a woman who has gotten a lot of unwanted and unpleasant attention, I disagree with this. Blanket advice to smile and be polite and to say, "it's very flattering" to every guy who approaches... OMG that just seems like a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't ever recommend that a woman should feel obligated to take good care of every man who approaches her because some of them are very obviously horrible, and others of them are slyly horrible. It's better to try to regard each situation individually, although even that is very difficult. What if your natural intuitive skills aren't that great?

 

I'm most naturally very polite to men, but I've had to work very hard to learn to squelch that kind of thing because it has gotten me into serious trouble too many times. Attractive women go through life being harassed a lot, and have to constantly try to discern the agenda of the next guy, and the next, and the next. We can't possibly be nice to every guy, taking good care of his feelings above our own, because that's just too dangerous, and not emotionally healthy. And besides, we're human and have bad days, and bad relationships, and the usual life traumas, and all the rest.

 

I'm generally nice, and my most favorite and comfortable way to exist in life is to be honest and straightforward, but there have been many times when I did a quick read of the situation and decided it was best to give out a false phone number, or a false name, or said I had a boyfriend or husband when I didn't, or said I wasn't looking for a guy when I really was. I lie to guys when all inner sirens go off, when the clues tell me that he will not respect me, that telling the truth could result in physically or emotional harm to me. And it's often that I've told the truth, but regretted it and wished that I had told a lie. I've even done what has been desribed above and told guys "NO" before they asked because the situation seemed to call for that at the time.

 

Just last week a guy approached me in a polite way and I politely rejected him, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He told me several times and in several ways why I was making a bad decision, why I should rethink my decision, why I was wrong for my decision. He even asked me to justify my decision, to explain my decision, only because he wanted to debate more with me about it. I felt enraged by his persistence. After something like that, I'm just not likely to be as polite to the next guy.

 

And I know innocent guys do get ruthlessly shot down by girls, but it's also a good idea to remember that guys have no idea what the girl is going through, especially if she's attractive. She could have been previously and recently abused, disrespected, stalked, molested, raped, all because she took a guy to be innocent when he wasn't. And every attractive woman isn't able to handle the extra attention she gets. How she responds to a guy is effected by lots of circumstances and a history that isn't often understood.

 

We were at a vegas nightclub that night. She's very attractive, guys are constantly hitting on her wherever she goes. I think she just didn't feel like being nice at that moment. DN - I think if you were a hot 25 year old woman, you would see her point of view...

Totally, totally agree.

[DN]

I just think that there is never an excuse to be rude or sarcastic under those circumstances. The guy in question had not even had a chance to utter a word before he was rudely and nastily humiliated in front of other people. Is he supposed to know that she may have been abused, or that other guys may have been too persistent?.

 

Politeness costs nothing. If a man can't take no for an answer then he deserves everything he gets - but to be that rude before he has even said anything is, at least in my opinion, indefensible. As I said, it is no wonder that so many guys are reluctant to approach women when that is the response.

 

It is easy for some attractive women to behave like that - although I have read many times about attractive women complaining that men won't approach them because they are intimidated - and that is why.

 

Again in my opinion, it is never acceptable in a civilised society to allow yourself to take out your irritations, frustrations or previous bad experiences on other innocent or blameless people.

[Miss M]

I just think that there is never an excuse to be rude or sarcastic under those circumstances.

I understand why you would say this, but I still disagree. I've been what you would call rude and sarcastic. And I've been that way to guys who haven't spoken a word to me because they made me feel uncomfortable with their so-called "polite" approach. I've been spied from accross the room, or at the end of the grocery isle, or through library book shelves. And I've been approached in such a way that I knew it was trouble long before he opened his mouth. I've also been approached when I was going through an emotional trauma, or physical pain, or in a such a state that I couldn't handle being approached by anyone at all. In my experience the guys who approach attractive women don't allow for even the most obvious variables. Attractive women get treated like celebrities when they are just human beings like everybody else.

 

In my experience, guys approach girls, and especially attractive girls, when the guy is in a selfish state of mind. They move towards her because they are thinking of what they want from her, not of what they could do for her, (unless doing for her is a way to get what they want from her). When it comes to the really attractive women, guys are choosing her based on her outward appearance because they are thinking of how it will make them feel to be with her, an attractive women. They are not into how she feels, and not into what she needs, not empathetic to her circumstances, and that's why it goes off into a ditch. Because she might need to attend to her own needs in a way that doesn't correlate with someone who is simultaneously trying to get something from her. In my experience, it is extremely rare that a guy is ever aware of that.

 

Politeness costs nothing.

I totally, totally disagree with this too. Politeness has cost me plenty, much more than I can possibly say here. And that's what I was trying to say in the previous post, that it's indeed very risky being polite. For many years I've even been trying in several ways, and on many levels, to learn how to be less polite because I know exactly what it has cost me.

 

It is easy for some attractive women to behave like that - although I have read many times about attractive women complaining that men won't approach them because they are intimidated - and that is why.

I've even been one to also advise the genuinely polite shy guys to approach attractive women. If they don't, then she will only have experience with the boorish ones, and she will never know that there could be a different experience, so I agree and understand your point. But all guys still need to realize that a woman is vulnerable in ways that a man isn't. And when he approaches her, what she also needs from him is part of the dynamic, and should be part of his consideration in the matter. He can't get around that reality, no matter what. And it's unfortunate that sometimes a woman is just overwhelmed by life, and the guy needs to understand and accept that as well, and not take it personally.

 

Again in my opinion, it is never acceptable in a civilised society to allow yourself to take out your irritations, frustrations or previous bad experiences on other innocent or blameless people.

I agree and that's not at all what I was suggesting. Also, if someone could convince the guys of what you say here, there'd be fewer women being traumatized by guys, and that would be better all around. I just happen to understand and be sensitive to the female's perspective that's being discussed in this thread, trying to address that.

[DN]

I was addressing the situation as described: viz:

A guy was approaching her at a club, and before he even had a chance to say a word, she looked him up and down and said, 'No." And the guy just turned right back, looking somewhat embarrassed.

 

You and I can imagine all sorts of scenarios based on those words which will support either position. But I am not imagining a scenario: I am simply asserting my opinion that her behaviour, as described, was rude, insensitive and indefensible.

[annie24]

Well, without trying to go too much off topic, you have to remember that this was at midnight in a nightclub in vegas. Is the guy looking to have a meaningful relationship? Probably not. Everyone is from out of town. It's a total meatmarket. He didn't approach her because she seemed, I don't know... funny or nice or whatever. He saw her in a club, had a few drinks in him, and thought he'd try to pick her up. And I think saying, "no" and not wasting anyone's time is a good way to go.

 

If you are an even "ok-looking" girl in vegas - watch out, because men will hit on you every 5 minutes! Now, if you are a HOT girl in vegas.... you basically need to hire a bodyguard to keep the men away....

[DN]

Well, without trying to go too much off topic, you have to remember that this was at midnight in a nightclub in vegas. Is the guy looking to have a meaningful relationship? Probably not. Everyone is from out of town. It's a total meatmarket. He didn't approach her because she seemed, I don't know... funny or nice or whatever. He saw her in a club, had a few drinks in him, and thought he'd try to pick her up. And I think saying, "no" and not wasting anyone's time is a good way to go.

 

If you are an even "ok-looking" girl in vegas - watch out, because men will hit on you every 5 minutes! Now, if you are a HOT girl in vegas.... you basically need to hire a bodyguard to keep the men away....

 

If we assume we know that he was not in the 'meat-market' looking for a meaningful relationship, I suppose the next question should be: why was she there?

[annie24]

Meat-market also!!! No one goes to vegas to find meaningful relationships.... People just go to have fun, drink, dance, gamble. If you're only in vegas for 48 hours, you really don't have time to spend talking to people you don't want to talk to.

 

But now, we are getting significantly off topic...

[Belle]

I'm glad someone brought up this topic.

 

Reading Miss M's posts, I can totally relate to the sense of bitterness at being harassed and stalked by guys who didn't know how to give it up. The selfishness involved is what I consider indefensible. I personally experienced a lot of that, particularly at work or playing sports. There was a point where I had a line of unwanted male suitors at my cube and couldn't get any work done. I ended up in teh HR office at work for 2 of the guys, and it happened a sum total with about 5. 3 guys tried to kiss me, 2 others kept putting their hands on me (legs, arms wherever) even after I repeatedly and assertively asked htem to stop. I was getting it from everywhere. I reached a point where I became fairly hostile towards men as I perceived them to be a persistent threat.

 

That being said, I have learned in the past few years how to stop being so nice and take care of myself. The pendulum had to swing from too nice to hostile to reach the center. I carry myself with more confidence now and I don't let any guy cross my boundaries. I do, however, try to be as polite as possible and I do use the excuse that I have a boyfriend. I am not interested in a negative reaction from a guy, and often it makes him feel better that it's not him that I'm rejecting. Someone else will like him, why make him feel bad? I'm a pragmatist, not an idealist. I have at times been hit on relentlessly and I do what works for me. Guys that feel rejected bya pretty woman will often lash out and it can be very, very ugly.

 

And to defend Miss M, I'm sorry that some don't understand her feelings on the matter. My girlfriends didn't either and thought I was asking to be harassed. The fact was, they weren't as attractive and had simply never experienced that much unwanted attention. Also, they were jealous. Unless you've been there, you have no idea how you'll react and that a negative reaction isn't a character flaw given teh circumstances.

 

Belle

[DN]

I will not defend any man who harasses women - I have a wife, two daughters and a grand-daughter.

 

But to approach someone in a nightclub, or anywhere else where such an approach is to be expected, can hardly be described as harassment. If it is then perhaps we had better adopt arranged marriages or the human race will soon disappear, the last members leading somewhat lonely existences.

[DN]

I guess my position is that there should be politeness and courtesy extended to and reciprocated by all people, male and female.