hot_to_trot

Is taking yourself out of their life at all a good thing? I've been with a girl for half a year now and I haven't actually seen the "true" her. I've just heard a lot about how she was when she wasn't depressed from her friends, etc. and she truly is an amazing girl. I met and subsequently started dating her when her depression just started. I really liked her then, but she has gotten progressively worse. I believe the medical community has failed her as she's been waiting forever to see someone. She says she follows up with the therapist and is being told to wait a bit longer. The other day she was admitted into the hospital and was given the choice to stay the night or leave and call back the next day. She didn't stay and that really bothered me. I can't give her the support she really needs as I am going through problems of my own and have to work hard to make as much money as I can for school and some other stuff I've gotten myself into. She has supported me with this stuff and my mental breakdowns, and I feel awful about thinking of asking for a"break", but I really want her to get better so that we can have a future together and I feel like I am being more harm for her than good at this moment. Could this be the intervention she may need, or could this drive her further into depression?

I was falling in love with him. I will always love him as a friend, I cannot dismiss him that easily. It happened once, and I do not want that to happen again. He cannot give me what I want, and he has been honest about that and I had excepted that, but then he waivered, told me to just give him time and to take it slow, to which I agreed. Now he is back-peddling again and this is what vexxes me in all of this.

I am falling in love with him. I have told him this.

Hi everyone, I have been loosely dating someone from my distant past who, during the time that we haven't been in touch, got married and had a child. We started talking again about 5 months ago. We hadn't seen nor heard of eachother for 8 years prior to that. We are both in our late 20's now. When we first knew eachother he was in love with me, but we never got together for many reasons, but mostly due to me and my emotional instability at that time. He carried a torch for me for the 4 years that we were best of friends and then he met another woman who he quickly asked to marry. At this time we had just moved out of an apartment we were renting together with another person, and went our separate ways. About a year and a half ago, him and his wife separated and he gets to see his daughter twice a week. Now that we've been talking again, he's unloaded quite a bit about their relationship and why things didn't work out. I even asked him at one point whether he'd ever go back with his wife and he was quick to say no. Now that I'm in a much better place emotionally, I came to the realization that he is the only man who has been in my life that actually cared about me and I sorta put it out there that I was open to having something with him. He reciprocated his feelings. So we've been hanging out, sleeping together for the past month, taking it slow upon his request, but last night he told me that "I don't want to be with him", that he's an emotional wreck and that he really doesn't want to hurt me. He says he is still not over his wife and that he knows it may never happen with her again, but that he still wants to give it a go. I asked whether he has told her that, and he said he has on a few occasions, and that she doesn't want to get back with him, that she wants to be single. She is apparently dating the same man that was around when they first broke up. My esteem has plummeted to an all-time low. Here's a man that absolutely adored me many years ago, and even he doesn't want to be with me. I know realistically that I shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me or with someone who can be so careless with my heart, but this is what I am struggling with most. A man wants to be with someone he claims is the most selfish woman he's ever known, vs. someone who is completely honest about her feelings and who would do anything for him.

I would be honest and tell them that you aren't interested in dating.

I'm not sure if this is a case of 'cold feet' or whether this guy just didn't like me. My gut tells me that I jump started his heart and he got scared, but I'd like some objectivity, which is where you guys come in J So please if any of you can give me your opinion, no holds barred… I won't go into details since online dating usually starts with conversation, followed by several emails and messenger conversations. This is how it began. We hit it off extremely well, and he asked me for my number. I was hesitant, and shy, so I asked him to call at a time I wasn't expecting J We spoke on the phone a few times, then decided to meet for a drink. The "date" went very well, or so I thought. He even sealed the deal with a very nice kiss, which lead to a night cap of cuddling and kissing (nothing more, nothing less). After that, contact became less and less on his part. He tried messaging me a few times, but I was in "away" mode and didn't get his messages until much later. Then, the defining email came saying he really enjoyed the time we had spent together and that he wanted to see me again, followed by the "not ready for a relationship right now" speech. So I responded lightly, with no real mention of his relationship comment, and agreed that I too had a great time. He sent one more email asking me how I was doing, so again, I kept it light. It had been over a week since I sent it with no response, so I thought I would give him a call (after all, friends call each other, rightJ). He wasn't as upbeat as he'd been in the past, but did seem happy to hear from me, and even thanked me for calling him. At any rate, he claims to be a very honest person who isn't a game-player, so I'm wondering if I oughta just call him on his behaviour. I know that he has been hurt by a previous relationship. One where he was ready to marry this girl and move countries to be with her, but she broke his heart at the last minute. I'm guessing that this happened a good 6 to 9 months ago and that he may still be dealing with this, and the reality of having a relationship with me may have scared him. Do guys think of relationships this complexly?

Maybe she works a job where she doesn't get off until midnight? I was dating this guy once who told me that he really didn't like leaving messages. He called every few days until he actually got me on the phone instead of leaving a message. Perhaps it's because if they leave a message, then they have to wait for the reply which then places the ball in the other persons court again. I also agree that if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have called. Just give it a few days, and if she doesn't call back, you can try calling again and say that you noticed her number on your call display when you were erasing them (or something like that).

Oh geeeze, I am in the exact same situation as you. It sucks, doesn't it. It brings every single insecurity out. I'm not up on this whole dating thing, but if this is going to be how it is, I'm not sure I want to get my heart involved ever again. Bleh! Sorry, I don't have much advice for you, but my sister and friends all say to just give it time and he'll come around. I'm sure the whole past relationship thing has caused him to back off a bit, but once he sees that you've moved on, or that you were unphased by his behaviour, he will most likely come closer... the only thing you need to seriously ask yourself is if you can separate your feelings, or be able to deal with his forward/backward behaviour.

Hello everyone, I'm back for as much advice as I can get on this one, so thank you in advance for your help in this matter... I began chatting with someone over the internet about 2 weeks ago. We clicked instantly, and were throwing emails and instant messages back and forth like crazy. As this weekend was approaching, I asked him to meet up on Friday and go for a drink or something. We met up and we were both quite nervous, but as the night progressed, things seemed to feel right. He walked me home and we watched a flick. At one point I went outside for a smoke and he followed. I said that I was having a great time and would like to see him again, and told him that I'm just a very honest girl, and that if he didn't feel "it" too, that it was ok. So he came closer and kissed me. Which led to much more kissing. Sufficed to say, the evening didn't end until early morn He said he would call me before the party I was going to late Saturday eve, but it never happened. When I got home there was an instant message of him apologizing for not calling. At one point during Sunday he messaged me again but said he wasn't going to be on for long and wanted to know how the party went. Which brings us current. I called him after work (after not receiving any correspondence from him all day) to wish him a happy bday, and the first thing he says is that he's been bad and apologizes again for not calling. I asked him if everything was ok, and he says that he's just been busy. Now, this "just been busy" line has been used on me before, and usually it means that 'I'm to much of a coward to tell you that I'm just not that into you'. After he said that, I played like I couldn't hear him and then told him that perhaps I would call him later. I just don't want to be the idiot no more. What do you all think?

Sounds like he has control issues. Stay away from this guy, and be thankful that you haven't gotten into a relationship with him!

I have a dilemma which I am hoping you guys can help me with.... I received a call today from a former co-worker who I've kept in touch with on and off from my previous job. He asked me to call him away from my office as he had something confidential to speak to me about. He told me that my old company wants me back, and wondered if I would even entertain the idea. The problem I am facing is that my manager with whom I was really close with at this previous company, left to go to another company, and later she was able to get me a job at her new company, the place that I work at currently. There were several issues that led to my leaving the previous place, but the main 3 issues were salary, turn-over, and poor management. I have been at this new job for over a year now, and I have a whole new set of issues. My boss, who is also the company owner, is a moody person. Extremely passive aggressive, and not very respectful of select employees, myself included. Although the workload pales in comparison to my previous job (another reason I left) and how stressful that was, that is the only positive thing I have to say about this company I am at now. I also left the previous company because they were trying to stretch me several different ways and had me doing the job of 3 other people who left (hence the turn-over issue) by the time I quit. In particular, they put me back on a task that I was taken off of because they knew just how unhappy I was doing it. When I left that company, it was negotiated with my new employer that he needed me to do that task for a short period of time, but that I would have many options of what I wanted to do after I got them caught up in this area. It's been over a year now, and I'm still doing the same task, the one I dreaded from the previous job. I've even indicated to my boss in my review that I wasn't happy about doing this for much longer, as we discussed in my job interview. He asked me what else I wanted to do, and said that I could also take on those tasks, but that he still needed me to continue with the dreaded task, since he was now being audited. The problem I have is 2-fold; I don't know how I can face the boss that stuck her butt out for me and got me the position at my current employer. She is my mentor, and I'm afraid she's going to be disappointed in me for going back, and that it would be a slap in the face; and the other problem is that I know I have leverage with the previous employer, but I haven't dealt with anything like this before, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure how to approach it, ie. how to negotiate, and for what terms I'm willing to accept. Does anyone have any advice for me? It is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Was there any particular reason that you two are no longer engaged?

I have no intentions of having a relationship with said fellow, I am just wildy attracted to him (truth be told, it is his french accent that does it for me ) Anyhow, it will not happen as his morals will not allow him to "make love" with someone that is not going to be his wife. It's too bad, but, I remember being his age and wanting to save it for when I was married, but when the moment was right, and I was with someone I truly loved, it happened. I do not regret it, but I certainly would not want him to regret it, so I will not cross the line with him. Perhaps just a simple kiss, a moment of passion. We will see....

Hello Ebber, Wow, first off, I really am sorry that you went through this for so many years. It is really difficult not to blame yourself and second guess, and play everything out over and over again in your mind. I know, because I went through something very similar, including the split personality part, which I really could not understand and still have problems with to this day. My relationship cost me my self-esteem, and I am still working hard to gain in back day by day. I would really love to discuss it further with you perhaps in a much more private setting, as I know how difficult this time is for you. Let me if that is something you would like to do, or send me a one-on-one message. You will get through this, I promise!

I have always found myself to be attracted to younger guys. I am 28, female. I think I like them younger because I find myself a bit immature, at least in the sex and romance department. I have had few boyfriends, and only one real relationship. I did not actually lose my virginity until I was 22. I could have earlier, but I always wanted it to be with someone "special", although the experience itself wasn't special. Since then, I am much more open to sexual relations. I have run into a bit of a problem. I find myself attracted to a 20 year old, who has been staying with me for a few weeks. He is visiting from France, and is going home shortly. Each day that passes, he makes an even bigger impression on me. He's not someone I would want to have a relationship with, he's far too immature when it comes to love. I do, however, fantasize about him, and really want to have one hot night with him. I suppose the problem is that I don't know how to seduce him, or whether he would even be open to it. In conversations we've had, he's remarked that he could not sleep with someone he does not know, and, I've noticed that he is a good catholic school boy, with good manners. We've had a lot of fun on the evenings that he has been around. We've played games, watched movies together, drank together, and just laughed and laughed, but I have no idea if he has any interest in me beyond being a person who is a host to him. What do you guys think I should do?

Hello there, I have not posted in this section before, and I am kind of embarrassed with what I am about to ask, but I don't think my friends would respect me very much if I told them about how I am feeling right now... I am 28 years old, and I am attracted to a 19-something year old. I generally like younger men, but a 19 year old is kinda like "robbing-the-cradle", even for me. It gets better... he is living with me right now while he is going to school here to learn English. He comes from France and will be leaving in 2 weeks. The problem is that I am suppose to be like a parent for him while he lives with me, so I am very embarrassed of these feelings. The accent goes without saying, it is beautiful, but that is not why I find myself attracted to him. He is extremely passionate about life, has very good manners,(his mother taught him very well!!!), and is very kind and generous. He is also very cute! The problem I am facing is that I do not know if it's just the idea of "being in love" that I suddenly want to feel since I have not had a relationship in over 3 years, or, if it is truly a feeling I have for him. Also, I am afraid that if I act on these feelings, it could cause much awkwardness for our living arrangement for the next couple of weeks. Finally, I am 90% sure that he is a virgin, not that I would want to "go all the way" with him, but he seems like a good catholic boy. What do you guys think I should do?

Does anyone have a story about an ex that they reunited with years later? How long had you been apart for, what was the reason for the initial break-up, what brought the two of you together again, how long did it last, etc.

Just wondering if anyone thinks there is a chance that me and my ex could ever even be friends??? We haven't been exclusively in a relationship for over 3 years, but we did the back and forth for 2 years after the break, then no contact for a year, then we spoke a couple of months ago and he told me he had a girlfriend, so I kinda backed off from contact. I think it was making him uncomfortable, although he did say he had to no problem talking. At any rate, it has been 2 months since our last conversation. What do you guys think?

ok, i don't want to generalize this question, and I'm sure that women are just as guilty as men in this situation, but why does this happen??? See below... I was with a guy for 3 years and we broke up cause we were too young, I was for the most part content with him, but he wanted to explore, and didn't want to reach the next level (move in together, marriage, etc.). They say they still love you, that you are the one they can see themselves settling down with. Then you start "seeing" them, chatting, dating, still being physical, but, they don't call when they say they will, they make up excuses why they can't do something with you (although just months before when you were in a "relationship" you did things together all the time), and when you ask them why they haven't spoken to you in a while, or didn't call, or just to have some friendly chatter, they act as though you are bothering them, until, a couple of weeks go by, and then they are all, so where have you been, why haven't I heard from you. And when you get mad at them for pushing you away, they think that you are the crazy one? It's really frustrating. It's like you are being so horrible just because you still like them or something. I don't get it. Maybe some of you guys or girls can shed some light on this. I used to think it was some kind of fear of attachement, commitment or something, but I don't know. Anyone?

Hello, It's not that everyone cannot get over their exes, its that everyone who comes HERE cannot get over their exes. For me, it's more that I can't get over my ex and want him back because the guys that I've dated since him have really made me realize how much I gave up, or let go, or whatever you want to call it, since he was the one that actually ended things. I guess it's like the saying goes, it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before (I think that's how it goes). Or, you have to taste the sour before you can appreciate the sweet. At any rate, I wouldn't shun ever getting into a relationship becuase of a few select people, including myself, who are still yearning for their ex. I mean, you will know when someone is serious about being in a relationship vs. still crushing on the ex. I wouldn't worry too much. Just my 5 pence!

I totally respect him for not wanting to mess things up with the girl he's with now, but he didn't make it seem like he was doing that for her sake, but more for his. He said that it probably wouldn't be a good idea since we know how things always end up. Perhaps I should just take it at face value and be happy that he would still be attracted to me. 2 of my close friends ended up with people who they dated in the past. One is married, and the other is in a long-term relationship. I'm just worried about his indifference towards me now, and also, the history we have together, if those two things can affect what may or may not happen down the line. If you are interested in hearing more about our history then I can email you.

Perhaps this question should go into the "Getting back together" section, but it's not really about me getting back with someone in particular, it's more of a question of whether timing has a lot to do with why relationships don't work out. I was with someone a few years ago who I thought was my match (not soulmate, as I don't believe there is one person out there for you), but he was young, inexperienced, and I was his first real love (i think he loved me, but could also be wrong about that). At any rate, we broke up after 3 years, but it had been a rocky relationship from 2 years and onward. He started to take me for granted, and spent more time with his friends than with me. It hurt, but I've knocked it down to the fact that he was young and immature. I've since dated a few guys, nothing to write home about, but at least I've had a better taste of what is out there. From these experiences, I've realized that my ex was one of the better ones. My ex and I have been on and off contact for the past 3 years, and have actually had relations up until about a year and a half ago. We haven't talked much over the past year and a half, until recently. I've realized that besides the immaturity factor of long ago, he really is the person I'd want to be with long-term. Problem is, he's with someone now. They have apparently been together for almost a year. I can deal with that, I don't need to be in a relationship with him right now, but, I guess I'm just curious whether it's possible after years have passed, to actually cross paths again and can actually make it work with an ex. I haven't asked whether this girl and him are serious, quite frankly, it's not my business, but, is there anything I can do to sorta keep in touch with him. He seems to enjoy chatting, but there's only so much we can talk about before it gets repetitive. He has also said that he wouldn't be able to see me because it wouldn't be a good idea, that it would be a dangerous line to cross. Not sure if this suggests that he still cares, or has lingering interest, but whatever. I respect him for that.

Is it possible to get back together with someone after they've dated someone else?

not at all, but knowing that he is with someone, I would NEVER go there. Had he been up-front with me from the start, I wouldn't have even asked him to hang-out.

If that's what he was thinking, he should have said right away that he has a girlfriend.