The internet is ruining my relationship

[rmt49]

My fiance' was spending a lot of time on the internet and less time with me, especially at night. So one day I decided to see what was sooooo interesting that he couldn't even come to bed at a decent time. What I found was a sports message board from his old college. As I read through the messages (it is public after all) I had come to find that he had a major obsession with one of the womens basketball players. He posted her picture on the board constantly and just kept on saying how hot she was and making inappropriate comments. He had researched this girl all over the internet and found out alot about her personal life and more pictures. I was totally crushed. He made me feel inadequate and unattractive. I am 32 and I know I can not compete with a 19 year old college girl. I have felt completely worthless since then. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry and that he had just gotten carried away. He has always prided himself in not being like other guys but now I do not trust him. I have always loved and respected him but now he has disrespected me in a public format and all I can think about is this girl and wondering if he emails her and just thinks about her alot, especially when we are having sex. I do not enjoy it as much now because I feel like he is thinking about her instead. I now read the sports message board everyday to see if there is anything else on there about her. I have become obsessed with it. I am now seeing a therapist to work it out but it doesn't seem to be helping me. Any suggestions?

 

ReNee

[Day_Walker]

I feel that is obsession is an issue but a bigger issue is why you feel this way. If you read your post you make a lot of inferrences without even actually backing it up with facts. If his obsession is that much of an issue then it will probably be the reason you two break up. His obsession and your issues both need to be worked out if you want to save the relationship.

[JC2006]

It's good that you found out about this before you got married.

 

I beg to differ about you not being able to compete with this 19 year old girl. You're actually there with him; this basketball player is just a fantasy. If anything, if he was sending her emails, he's just creeping her out with no chance of having a relationship with this girl. She's a college coed with plenty of available young men in her vicinity on campus; what makes you think that she would even consider your fiance for a relationship or even a fling?

 

Maybe the two of you should go see your therapist and talk about this. Think of it as pre-marriage counseling.

 

Oh and FYI, it's not really cool to snoop on your fiance's PC to see what he's up to. Try asking him about it first next time.

[Mun]

I have a suggestion:

Take him to the therapist with you...before his obsession becomes unhealthy. It's already messing with your relationship .

 

Best wishes to you both.

[Mrocza]

This might not exactly help, but all guys and most girls, sometimes fantisize about someone else when they're with their S/O.

 

It doesn't MEAN anything though. That is why it is a FANTASY. I don't think he did it in any intent to hurt you or make you feel inadequate. He just has a little crush on someone famous. Haven't you ever thought of Pierce Brosnan and wanted to...ahem.

 

I understand how you can feel though, but the term COMPETE really through me off guard. You have nothing to compete with. It's just a silly fantasy. He loves YOU, hes with YOU. If you'd dream of Pierce, would it mean that you wished your fiance was Pierce Brosnan, it

s just in that moment you think Pierce is hot.

 

I know it's hard to understand the weird ways of men, but just try to put yourself in their shoes. They have two heads, and only enough blood to work one at a time. I don't think you should take it personally, but TALK to him about it more if it bothers you. Or, like suggested, take him with you to therapy.

[cinderella jones]

I wonder if you are more angry at the fact that your husband spends a lot more time on the computer and that his little fantasy is being used by you as not trusting him when in reality it could be that you don't feel close to him b/c he spends so much time talking to others on the net. I know my present boyfriend is always on the net- and although it is his career

(consulting) I personally often wonder if he enjoys talking to people he doesn't physically see more than me when I am around. Also I trust the man I am with now and I wouldn't want to suddenly realize that he has crushes and things like that with other women b/c that would mean that he is no longer on this pedestal I have put him on. So with that said I think you need to take him off of his..and realize that he is human like you and may find others attractive. It is not to say he doesn't love you but just that he physically finds someone else good looking. Again, it seems to me that you want him to pay more attention to you..talk with you more about things....at least I know that this is how I feel...I often tell my present boyfriend that he uses his Compputer as a a scapegoat...not always healthy....but I think that if you tell him to spendmore energy on you ...things can be different...also maybe you should also begin to talk about others you find attractive in front of him and see what his intial reaction is.....then if he doesn't like it ...u can tell him that he should now understand how you feel.....

[rmt49]

I guess I am just feeling neglected. We used to be very affection and loving and now his job and his sports are ALWAYS top priority. I know it is hard to juggle everything but I think he needs to take alittle time out to pay attention to his family. The kids can feel the difference too. They beg for his attention as well. We have been together for 6 years now and I guess I am afraid it is getting close to the "7 year itch". I love him with all that I am. I know that we all age and wrinkle but I have guys tell me all the time how young I look and that I am beautiful but I don't want to hear that from them, I want to hear it from my fiance'. I am not ready to give up, but it takes TWO people to have a conversation. How am I supposed to fix things when I can't pull him away from work or the sports!!!

 

And to defend myself about the computer---it is OUR home computer. I didn't have to break into it or anything.

[melrich]

Turn to computer off, pull it out from the pwer switch, open up the back and pull some wires out. Then put it back together. Shouldn't matter which wires.

[scarew]

I agree that you shouldnt be snooping, but ITS SO HARD NOT TO SOMETIMES!!! I live in a city, but its sort of small (125 000 ppl I think?). I happen to be dating the guy who was popular in highschool, and who now works for the company that manages ALL the big concerts and the cities favorite WHL hockey team. So he knows ALOT of ppl. And ALOT of girls wish they were me.

 

So I snooped.

 

It started with wanting to know stuff about his ex girlfriends. Then I started snooping on his black berry. Then through his closet....ITS HARD!!! Just so you know sweetie, your not crazy, or maybe just as crazy as the rest of us.

[Zimetra]

I am 32 and I know I can not compete with a 19 year old college girl.

 

First of all you need to change your attitude about this. It's just the other way round: a 19 year old college girl cannot compete with YOU! If your man does not realize this, then he's not worth all the trouble. And if you do not realize this, sit back and think about it, or talk to your therapist about it...

[prozzack]

You have the right to be pissed

 

there no way he is going to have a chance with a 19 year old girl

 

hes an idiot

let him know that

[prozzack]

he total has no chance,

 

you gotta let him know you mean business

[HappyDaisy]

You are 32 years old and that is an AWESOME age. Early 30's are the best. I love being 31. I got all of my crazy stuff out of the way when I was in my early 20's. I really like who I am and what I've become. I would rather be the person I am today than the person I was at 19!!!

 

I'm going to second the thought that you both might benefit from couples counseling. My ex bf and I went to therapy together, and although ultimately the relationship ended we both learned a LOT about communication, trust and relationships. It was a very valuable experience.