Zimetra

I agree with UT. Staying with your guy, getting married and having children would be the most obvious and somehow the easiest way. But it would mean being unfair towards him, AND being dishonest towards yourself. This guy really loves you and cares for you - you certainly love him too, but you also use him as an "interim solution", until you find the courage to take the step towards the future you want deep inside. - You said you love him but you have always wanted to be with a woman. What will happen in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? Will you fall in love with another woman, will you leave him, and the family will break apart? If you are honest towards yourself and him now, it will hurt both of you but you will cause less damage. Sorry if my words sound harsh, but I have been following this thread like UT has, and I felt some straight talk was necessary. - Regardless of my sexual orientation (hetero) I have been in a similar situtaion twice, where I had to decide against a stable, secure relationship b/c I felt I was just not being honest with myself. I wish you all the best! Zimetra

I think this is the 'secret'. A relationship should consist of two individuals who learned to stand on their own feet, live their own life, and actually don't need anyone else to be complete. In a relationship like this, no games will be necessary, both will naturally give each other the space they need. But I guess this is one of the things you learn through experience only. It took me a few failed relationships to realize this... Zimetra

It's not a game. Being independent instead of needy, will have the effect of her wanting you more again, but only if you truly are independent and not just you act as if you were.

First of all you need to change your attitude about this. It's just the other way round: a 19 year old college girl cannot compete with YOU! If your man does not realize this, then he's not worth all the trouble. And if you do not realize this, sit back and think about it, or talk to your therapist about it...

Someone said "He cannot read your mind", and I totally agree: If you expect something for a commercial holiday, tell him in advance! I prefer being with someone who comes up with little surprises and things that make me happy throughout the year, those silly little things like remembering my favourite chocolate or writing a love poem for me. This year I am single, but I still had a happy Valentine's Day: I gave a man a rose because I liked his smile, and he accepted the compliment! It was totally spontaneous, and I will never see him again, but I am proud of myself that I had the courage to do it Zimetra

Kutekat, I am not saying you should just let him have his way and suffer through it but actually it is completely against your beliefs. If you just let him go "because HE needs to spend time with the boys", you will constantly blame him for your unhappiness and loneliness. I have been trying to explain to you that this period of separateness (it is not a LDR, 6 months is too short for that) could also have positive aspects for you and might have positive effects on your relationship. If you can't see that and if you feel as if you're just making a sacrifice for him, then that's not the approach I am talking about. I am talking about a situation both feel comfortable with. Wishing the two of you all the best, Zimetra

Anything could happen anywhere. People can grow apart even when they live in the same town or the same apartment. The temporary distance will not make it worse or better, it will make the situation different. It's up to them what they make out of it. I have seen couples who were closer than ever after a long period of apartness; in fact it even saved their relationship. I have seen others who went separate ways after that period. That's why I say this is a test. They may pass it, they may fail. But it would be a waste of time to 'prevent failure' by not travelling - if it won't work out, then why stay together for another year or two? Life is too precious for that. - On the other hand, if it does work out, this test will make the two of them a stronger couple than ever. This quote has to come from someone who is not in a mature relationship. Some people seem to believe as a couple you constantly have to stick together. Totally wrong approach. Sooner or later, one of them will feel enchained. The more space and air to breathe you give each other, the better the chances are that you will stay happy together as two strong individuals. Zimetra

This is a good test for your relationship: If the two of you are truly committed, it will be 1) a great travelling experience for him - I can totally understand why someone would want to travel without his partner, I have the same desire at times, and it has nothing to do with a desire to be unfaithful (I can do that in my own country if that's what I want ); this need to travel on my own or with friends arises from the need to have genuine experiences on my OWN and a meaning to my life that does not depend on him. It does NOT mean that I love my partner less! 2) a great experience for both of you - being apart for more than just a few weeks can teach you so much about your relationship and bring you much closer together afterwards. In fact, if you make the best out of it, it can have a similar effect on you like the effect of travelling alone I described before. Two strong individuals with their own autonomous lives make a much stronger and longer-lasting couple. These 6 months could be the first step on this path. It could also be the contrary - it might not work out. But hey, if he doesn't travel because you are upset about his plans, his unfulfilled wishes will be eating him, he will blame you, and in the end it won't work out anyway. So the best way to deal with this is to accept the test and make the best out of it. Zimetra

Lisica, I know how you feel - I have been in a very similar situation more than once (not with the ex I sometimes mention here, but in a long relationship before him). It is one of the most cruel things that can happen - you live towards that moment, the anticipation grows, and then, the blow. First of all, don't give up yet: Maybe you are more experienced about this than I am, but the way I got to know the authorities responsible for visa, they like to play their little attritional games with you. I remember a case where there were three refusals, and then suddenly, totally last-minute of course, everything was alright. (Is it even legal for them not to tell you a reason?) Secondly, if it doesn't work out, I hope the two of you have medium- to long-term plans on how you will overcome this difficult situation. I know it's a poor consolation (actually nothing can be a consolation when something like this happens) but concrete plans for the future help to keep hope alive. Zimetra

Thanks everyone for the replies! I have been thinking about him a lot during the last days and weeks, but I still know I took the right decision. I think I found the secret reason that lies underneath all the reasons I have been able to define: The relation between us is meant to be a wonderful, deep, supportive friendship. We are true soulmates. I know it sounds really cheesy (and he would probably disagree with my view, still preferring to be more than friends ), but that's just the way it is. We've known each other for many years now, and for most of that time, we shared that wonderful gift of friendship. And we're on our way back to that state right now. We email each other every day, like we've done for so many years. He will always be a part of my life. The other reasons are partly connected to the ldr factor, but some of them are just everyday relationship problems: - Alright, the ldr. I think we managed most of the issues quite well, especially the trust and communication factor. I even got used to being without him during long periods of time, keeping myself busy. The problem: no perspectives for the medium-term future. No possibility for him to move to my country; and for me, moving closer to him was subject to so many conditions (most of which set by me): my career, the work permit, my 'restriction' of liking only a few select cities in the U.S., etc. - I want to have a family some time in the future; he already has kids to take care of. And then - a long-distance family? - Some important facts about him I should have known he mentioned too late. Facts he was not to blame for, but still, he should have informed me in the beginning. - I am a very strong-minded person, so is he. I've always thought he could keep up with me. Well, he could, but then my sometimes 'insensitive behaviour' disturbed him. Unfortunately, he told me very late. Alright, enough analyzing for today. .. Zimetra P.S. The only thing I worry about right now is that his feelings for me might still be stronger. How should I handle it? I told him clearly it was over. We both agreed we wanted to be friends. I just don't want him to hope we'll get together again, I don't want him to get hurt. I can't be any clearer...

No, they don't have to get expensive. They are FREE. (If you install Skype). No obstacle there.

Hm, there's no instruction manual for that When I was in a ldr, we had so many topics: First we'd tell each other how our day was (alright, routine most of the time ), then maybe we discussed a problem that was currently bothering one of us, looking for solutions and encouraging each other, we talked about our friends, possible career moves, differences between our countries (an inexhaustible topic indeed ), politics (another inexhaustible topic and source of endless - friendly - disputes), different philosophies or religions, memories of times we spent together, planning our next vacation together, then music, iPod, music, concerts, iPod , we even enjoyed talking about food, wine, health, etc. etc. And, of course, some erotic talk now and then... I think every couple have their 'magic topics' - just have to spot them!

Hey, first of all it is certainly a good thing that you are not clingy. You shouldn't try to put pressure on each other to influence factors neither of you can really influence. (But try Skype, chat and/or voice - it's great! From what I've read in your posting, you haven't been using Skype so far). What I've been wanting to say though: in my opinion, reduced communication CAN jeopardize a ldr. As mentioned here before in threads like 'Tips for a successful LDR' communication is THE most important ingredient for success / glue / foundation. Communication can gradually be reduced without even noticing it, and it doesn't seem threatening at first. But it can be the beginning of a slow process I don't want to describe right now. - Anyway, keep up your conversations every day. Wheter it's on the phone or through email or text messages doesn't matter, whatever you feel most comfortable with. The most important thing is not to fall into a routine, having the same little conversation every time All the best, Z.

Thanks Lisica and Ayekasong and everybody else for your supportive replies! I figure it would be rather selfish of me if I just quit this forum because my own ldr is over now Maybe I can still contribute now and then based on my experiences. I still am not generally pessimistic about ldrs, and btw this is a great forum =D> I am doing alright - it is not as hard as I thought it would be. This might sound as if he didn't mean much to me, but just the opposite is true: I know we will stay close friends forever, and that certitude is so comforting. We had a long-distance friendship that lasted 7 years before, so this is not just a worthless promise. One of the other reasons why I am not totally devastated is probably that it was not one of those 'ugly break-ups'; no allegations, no destructiveness. I am so glad we both controlled ourselves and did not shatter everything. - Then one more factor is probably that I had already got used to being separated physically. It's not like I was left back all alone, I was already alone before the separation And then, of course, I have all my wonderful friends, so no, I can't complain about being lonely. Well, Lisica, the reasons for the break-up. I think I will get back to that topic, b/c I am still trying to analyze it. It will probably be good to share my thoughts with people who know what I am talking about. Zimetra

Hey everyone in this forum, especially those LDR 'pros' who helped me with positive responses and advice - Mermaid, PAdreamer, Ayekasong, Lisica, etc. I will probably not write much in this forum anymore, because my LDR unfortunately did not work out. It was I who decided it would be better if we separated. Now, most of my friends and people who knew about my LDR assumed immediately it didn't work out because it was long distance. I usually don't adjust that; it's the easiest way to explain. Nevertheless, it is much more complex than that, and actually the long distance was only one of the unimportant factors among the difficulties we encountered. My very best wishes go out to all of you, don't give up, keep working on your relationships, remember each day how precious your partner is. Zimetra