Thinking about getting back together? Don't!

[catfood]

Ugh. I spent a year in a relationship with a guy who would turn every insecurity or self-image problem back around on me.

 

He would call me every day and want to hang out, and I got accustomered to that. And to be honest, I'm a private person and though I have dozens of "friends", I only have a few (maybe 2 or 3) true friends that I can really open up to. So anyway, I rather enjoyed the kind of intense relationship we had and didn't have a problem seeing him on a near-daily basis.

 

Then, he would begin to stand me up. Cancel our plans, even long-standing ones. He had no interest in my friends or my family. He wanted me around for comfort when he wasn't doing anything else, but if a male friend called he would quite literally take off at that moment, regardless if we had dinner plans or anything.

 

I got sick of this. I also got sick of his "take it or leave it" attitude. I literally could not bring up any sort of problem, or anger at being stood up or else he would call me needy and talk about how damaged I was. On the other hand, if I ever wasn't available (or just didn't care) to hang out, he would accuse me of being moody or whatever.

 

So, finally I broke up with him in July, I think to "prove" once and for all that I didn't need him. Several weeks went by and he called me at all house, drunk, crying occasionally, wanting me back. He would write me sappy emails, like the ones I used to write and to which he would simply respond, "Grow up" or something equally mean.

 

I felt bad. The night we were all out with a group of friends and he started crying in the bar when I refused to go outside and talk was what did it for me. I realized that despite everything, I still loved him, and I couldn't bear to hurt him anymore.

 

He told me all the things he would do to fix our broken relationship. He had reprioritized his life, he realized that he pushed me away, and he needed to show me that he cared. I told him that while we were broken up, I had kissed someone twice (he wasn't exactly a saint while we were broken up either). He was enraged, throwing things, etc. and took off.

 

A few hours later, he shows up at my house (drunk, natch) and *poof* we're back together.

 

For about three weeks, things really were magical. He took me on a fishing trip he'd been promising all summer. We did "couple" things, and I truly felt loved.

 

But now, everything is the same. Oh! Except for one complicating factor. We're buying a house together, a rash decision made during the honeymoon phase.

 

When I told my dad I was buying a house with X, he said, "Who's X?" As in, my father didn't know the name of the man I'd been dating for over a year. Through no fault of my dad; X has expressed no desire, contempt even, to hang out with my family.

 

We always hang out with his friends. I know all of his friends very well. My sister, who I'm the closest too and whom I see about three times a week, has met him maybe three times. It's mind boggling to think about him being that close to someone and me never having met them. He just has no desire to.

 

So, here I am, back to being a doormat. I'm a smart person, so I'm painfully aware of my problem. I just don't know how to fix it, or if it's fixable. I don't want to give up on the relationship yet, and I'm very excited about our forthcoming home. I just don't want to be miserable forever, but right now, I basically am. I am dead last on his list of priorities and I don't know how to be the type of girl that doesn't care.

 

I know this is all over the place. Help, please!

[miracle29]

catfood, i'm so sorry. Man i could really hear the disapointment and sadness in your post. I feel your pain, and sometimes it happens like this. Sometimes getting back together can make things better after a break, but then sometimes you go against your better judgment and end up in this situation. You feel like you wish you would have just left him be, because now if you break up again you'll have to start healing all over again. Oh i know this has left a very sour taste in your mouth, but you have to concentrate here on whats best for you.

 

 

Do you really need this guy in your life, or are you with him out of fear of being alone? Does he love you like you DESERVE to be loved or does he just do enough to keep you at bay? If he is not what you need, and is putting you back through the same rigamarole, then I'd say, it may be time for a sit down talk. And if he goes back to the " take it or leave it" attitude then I'd dump him FOR REAL this time and not let him back in for more damage. Think long and hard about what you want her. That is what will help you through this and allow you to make a stable decision. But wait until you calm down a bit and relax.

[lady00]

From the title of your post, I was expecting you to say that you got back together and broke up with someone because it didn't work so I was kinda surprised to find out at the end of your post that you are still with the guy after all after. The fact that he doesn't prioritize you at this stage in the relationship should be a big red flag that you should not be taking the huge step of buying a house together. Do you really think things can change? If you believe 100% that things will get better then by all means, there's no reason to end the relationship but if you have doubts, this is a better place/time to get out than later.

[Smarie]

And if he goes back to the " take it or leave it" attitude then I'd dump him FOR REAL this time and not let him back in for more damage.

 

I am with that 100%!! The reality of your relationship will always come *after the honeymoon is over* He made a big show for you so you would get back together, stuck with it for a while to keep you around, and now he is back to being his old self. Well, this is the way that he is, and the way that he is always going to be. You need to think about this ALOT and recognize that he is damaging you, everyday. The comfort that you are supposed to get when consulting him with a problem is getting blown off and blamed solely on you. Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life. The only thing I would suggest is really communicating to him how you feel and telling him how much he hurts you. But since this has already been a step you have taken, the only step left is to break up. I know its going to be hard, but that is not a healthy situation for you to be in. Especially since you 2 are trying to buy a house together too! Thats a big step! Is this really how you want things to be? If you cant talk to him reasonably and tell him this is how I feel, something needs to change or I am leaving....then I would leave him. I wish the best of luck to you on whichever path you take!!!

[polaris]

Your dilemma goes to the heart of the age-old question of whether people can really change, or if they'll remain the same individual deep down. I'm increasingly inclined to believe the latter, sadly, although I guess if some people are really determined to change themselves, they may be able to.

 

Regardless, in your case it's plainly obvious that the guy doesn't see the need to remain changed; the 'honeymoon' phase in the rekindled relationship was exactly that: the same as the honeymoon phase at the start of any relationship, which is brought about in part because people put on their best face. All he did here was rediscover his best face out of necessity, but after a few weeks back together, he no longer felt the need to maintain the front, and reverted to his old self.

 

The point is, the version you've got now, that you're understandably not too happy with is the *real* him, that is to say, him when he doesn't have to put on a front. I guess that leaves you with two options

 

(1) Leave him, and find someone who is for real what this guy is during the honeymoon periods. Easier said than done, I know.

 

(2) Engage him in a process of real change. This could involve couples or individual counselling for example, but it's something that he genuinely has to see the need for, and be willing to do. Threatening to leave him, or actually doing so, might get you another honeymoon period, but in all honesty, it won't get anything more than that. It's fundamental change in him that you need.