Hopeless

[Outcast-Angel]

i just don't think i can keep holding on, trying to make things better anymore. because nothing i've done has worked. it doesn't matter if i'm in a relationship, have lots of friends or just a few, love my job or hate it, spend time by myself or with people i care about.. write out how i feel, or keep it to myself. it doen't matter how logically i think things through. nothing seems good or fun. the first thing i think about in the morning is killing myself, the first emotion i feel is just so much hurt. i've been skipping all my university classes because i can't bare the thought of going anywhere. i've been skipping work because i don't want my boss (who is my friend) to see how depressed i am.. i want to quit school, stop giving myself any sort of excuse to keep trying and looking for reasons to live. i won't go to the doctor. why not, you ask? what do i have to lose? whatever self respect i have left.

i don't know how much longer i can keep going. the only thing that makes me feel better for even a little while is SI, which i've started doing again on a regular basis. or by starving myself. which really only gives me a faint sort of twisted feeling that i can still control my life. which is a crock.

i just want to figure out how to say goodbye to the people i love without giving any sort of warning sign. which i know is probably pretty much impossible. but i want to make sure that my little sister gets my grad ring, and my jewerly box, and that Steph gets my black cross necklace, and that my claughdagh ring goes to my friend, Cooper, and my snake and scorpion rings to go to Rae-annon.. i want kate to have my Cranberries CD's, and i want my hockey equipment sold, and the money from that to go to my dad. but i also want everyone to understand that i don't want to hurt them, or make them sad. i just can't do it anymore. i've been struggling with this since i was 14. i don't want to feel like crying all the time anymore.

[novaseeker]

Don't.

 

You're young. You have your life in front of you. It seems clouded and dark and painful now, and it is so for you, but it won't always be. There are always ways out. People who care about you, people who will care with you and for you. There is always hope, even if you can't see it. Death is not an answer to unhappiness, because all it does is transfer the unhappiness and perpetuate it. The answer to unhappiness is hope. With life there is always the possibility of change, of hope, of things improving, and even more so given your age. Step back. Think. There is hope.

[RayKay]

I know it seems hopeless right now, I remember VERY well being where you are (and almost literally since I am in same city!) and dealing with anorexia, depression, and a feeling of senselessness to everything...but honestly, life DOES get better, it really does.

 

I REALLY urge you to seek counselling if you are not already, perhaps even antidepressants and regular talk therapy. There is NO loss of respect in admitting you need some help..in fact, there is probably a gain of it.

 

 

The fact is you may not WANT to hurt them...but you will. I have seen families absolutely destroyed by the suicide of one of their members. Families split apart in the pain and trauma of it all, a sister with the horrible image forever of her sister discovered dead, and more so, the overwhelming sense of loss at someone they loved. I feel terrible for those I knew who killed themselves when we were younger..because they never knew just how wonderful life can really be.

[Bethany]

Going to the doctor is nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn't feel less self-respect for yourself for going, you should feel MORE because it's about no longer putting up with the depression and letting it ruin you life and thats a stonger thing to do than commit suicide. They can give you anti-depressants that will take away all the pain and in a short time you will become happy and so glad you went.

Turn this around and stop talking yourself into it, turn it around to 'I'm SICK of feeling like this and I'm going to do something about it'. Turn around your negative thoughts, because thats all they are, negative thoughts, which are trapping you and making the pain go over and over so turn them into into positive ones and day by day you will take small steps and become happy again.

If you love the people you want to say goodbye then why leave them?, Xmas is coming please don't do that to them. Please go and see a doctor or at least look at your feelings with interest rather than become afraid to live with them because you can't run far from fear. Face your feelings.

[Outcast-Angel]

i can't/won't go to a doctor or psych. they'll either put me on meds or lock me up.. i don't agree with meds. i won't take them. i refuse to be dependant on any external source. and i'll never agree to being hospitalized. i've already picked apart, and analyzed every thought and emotion i have. i can explain exactly why i think and feel the way i do, but i can't change it, i can't make the feelings go away. there's not even any point in me going to university; how can i help people in a psychological capacity way if i can't even help myself? i always promised myself i'd deal with this all myself. if i can't even keep a promise i've made to myself.. how can anyone trust me? how can i even trust me?

Christmas has always been horrible in my family anyways... maybe it'll cause some pain. but maybe it'll do more to fix things than i ever could do alive.

[pizzachick13]

Suicide really isn't the way Outcast-Angel. I've tried it that many times and all it does is create more problems, whether you succeed or not.

 

If you've picked apart your feelings so well then why not share them with us so that we can try to help.

 

Sappho...

[Outcast-Angel]

If you've picked apart your feelings so well then why not share them with us so that we can try to help.

 

Sappho...

 

because, to be honest? i don't trust anyone to let them in that much. the last person i let see even part of it used it to pick me apart and break me down. which i know, sounds kinda paranoid.. but i am. so it should. i'm not sure that i even want help anymore. maybe i just don't want to get better. i can't tell if i do or not anymore.

[snowgirl]

Why won't you consider taking meds? Why don't you agree with them? Medications for depression do NOT make you a zombie if they are right for you, you have a chemical imbalance that will be corrected by the right medication. You will feel like a normal functional person with them. You will be Okay. When was the last time you felt okay? You CAN be that way again.

Would you take meds for a headache or heart disease? Depression is no different. I do hope you think about that for a while. You don't have to feel bad for ONE MORE DAY if you get the right treatment. That's no lie. Not one more day. The sun can shine again. You can have fun and take pride in your accomplishments, and you can lose that hopeless, painful feeling.

 

Yes, you can. Everyone is different, and some need drugs, some need therapy, some both, but there IS a solution for you.

Why do you assume you will be locked up if you go to a counselor? It will be like a regular doctor's appointment. You are seeking therapy by speaking to us, therapy is sort of like this.

 

Please. You are a wonderful, bright, young person with a good happy life ahead of you, but you need to take that step to help yourself. Don't throw it away. You CAN feel better, and you WILL if you get help. I hope you stay here and talk to us and tell us what you need to say, we are anonymous and we care. Hugs to you.

[Outcast-Angel]

i don't want to become dependant on any sort of drug.. besides, i couldn't even remember to take my birth control pill, or my vitamins every morning. i'd never remember to take something i don't even want to take every day. i really don't think i would take meds for a heart condition, i don't care if i die.. and for headaches.. it takes like 6 advil to get rid of a headache. so i usually don't even bother.

i don't even remember what it's like to feel ok. i mean.. even when i was a little girl, i know i used to cry a lot. it's hard to believe that things are suddenly going to get so much better like you guys keep telling me. in fact, i honestly don't believe it. the world sucks for people like me; i don't belong anywhere, i don't think i'll ever be able to live up to any of my dreams or anyone's expectations.. i don't think i'll ever even be free of the hurt. i can barely get through a 4 hour shift at work (which i actually went to today) without having to find some quiet corner to SI, just so i can go back to work, and deal with people. even now, my wrists feel like they're crawling, and i want to cutcutcutcutcut. i feel disgusting and stupid and terrible, because i know my friends need me because they're going through a hard time right now, and i've been blowing them off because i can't deal with their problems anymore, and i can't wait to get home to my knives. which i know doesnt really help. at all. not if i'm just cutting. not if i can't just make it all stop.

[whatfor]

hi angel,

im sorry you are feeling this way, but most people can say their life sucks, thats my fav thing to say cause sure i live in a country that sucks, city that sucks and sure it stresses and depresses me all the time.

However, i know i deserve to be happy and i hope that one day i will be.

There is a person who means alot to me, who i want to be with so i keep hoping that things will work out for the best.

Maybe you just need to find that right person, who will make you feel right, love you and make you want to live and be happy?

Do you have any goal or something you really like and want to do in life?

[snowgirl]

Sweetheart. You have no idea how much you sound like my husband this past spring and summer. Every word of it. You feel like you don't belong here, you won't bother to take meds, you don't think it's possible.

Every word of it, even the part about the Advil. Seriously!

 

But guess what? You are wrong about your being a lost cause. You are very very wrong. Once you get the correct perspective, you will understand. I beg you, please look into geting help. Nobody likes the idea of taking drugs, but it's not like being hooked on a mind-altering substance. It's what is required for you to see clearly, just like glasses. It's nothing bad or shameful or damaging. It's only going to lighten your load significantly. I know how hard it is, but you are WORTH IT. There is light at the end of your long dark tunnel, that is absolutely a fact, it is up to you to reach out to it. Please. You CAN get out of this terrible darkness. (you can so, don't argue with me).

[Outcast-Angel]

I've started writing my goodbye letters.. i know that nothing i can possibly write to my family and friends will take away the hurt that i'll cause them. but i'd like to leave a little explination to them.. and to tell them i love them. that this isn't their fault..

i went out to see my friends last night. i felt like crying the whole time i was with them. i'm so worried about them.. i know i can't help them though. i can only hope that they'll take something from what's going to happen and grow from it. i have 8 letters to write. plus one general note for the others.. so i figure i'll OD on saturday night. dad won't get home until about 2 or 3 in the morning, cause he works late. and nikki will still be at her boyfriend's place. i feel bad for the timing.. dad's trying so hard to get the work on the house done before winter.. i don't know what this'll do to him. it kinda makes me want to put the whole thing off till the basement is finished..

thinking about what kind of hell i'm going to put my family through makes me so uneasy.. but the thought of living is even worse. why am i even writting this all here? i don't know. maybe a small part of me wants someone to save me. that's what the logical part of me says. but it's a really small part. and the rest of me says... that i should erase this post. cause someone might interfer.

i'm even worried about my cat.. he's the one creature that's always there for me. i don't want to abandon him... i don't think he'll understand. and no one can really explain it to him. he's like my baby.. i hate hurting people. i always have. but i can't take it anymore.

[RayKay]

Outcast...but someone CAN save you - yourself.

 

Truly think about what is worse - going to the doctor and admitting you need help, and going on antidepressants (which many of us have done and have been able to live fully again) or killing yourself and leaving all your family and friends to forever carry that burden. You can write them its not their fault...but they will ALWAYS believe it was in some way.

 

Maybe you think you are doing what is best for everyone - but you truly are not. Your family and friends will be destroyed - I have seen it happen, you are denying all the people in the future whom would be privileged to know you the ability to ever meet you.

 

You CAN save yourself, and make a commitment to yourself to try OTHER options before this...I truly do not want to find out that you took your life when I read the Free Press next week, because I myself will be crushed.

[snowgirl]

Oh, please don't. Please stay here and talk to us.

 

Depression is not uncommon and you haven't even given yourself a chance to get help. You deserve a chance at life. Life is a beautiful thing. I want so much for you to feel that. Please don't. We will be devastated.

[friendly_fairy]

Angel, you can make a difference all by yourself.

 

The world is much greater than any of us could imagine if we should ever sit down and think about it - and so are the possibilities!

 

Ask yourself why you have come to this forum - could it be because you somehow knew there would be a way out of it?

 

Think of your childhood. What are the things that used to make you happy back then? Is there anything you ever wished for in your life?

 

It's a shock to see that you are only one year younger than me and already want to kill yourself.

There are billions of great things you'd never experience if you should give in to your depression, now.

 

You were strong enough to come to this forum and seek help - this means that you are strong enough to fight...just give it a try and see where it will lead you. You can only win if you chose to live.

[Outcast-Angel]

i don't think that i ever came to this forum to get better.. i think that i came here because i needed help letting go. don't get me wrong.. this is a great organization, and the people here are all very supportive and positive and inspiring. but that's not what i needed.

i've been considering suicide since i was 14.. that was the first time i attempted it. unfortunately i was so bulemic, that i filled my stomach with pills, and then puked most of them up. so all that happened was i passed out for about 12 hours. when i woke up and wouldn't go downstairs with the rest of the family, my mother came up and told me to stop feeling so sorry for myself, because it was pathetic. since then i've been putting it off, because i told myself that my hockey team needed me, and as long as someone needed me, it would be worth it, as long as i could make one person's life better.. but now no one needs me. i can't make anyone's life better, because they never listen to me. after the fact they come to me and tell that they should have listened to me, but the next time thy ignore me again.. i can't even play hockey anymore. that was the only thing i was really good at. and it's gone. people always laugh when i tell them that hockey's the only reason i'm still alive.. but it was. it's nost like the past 5 years have gone by without other attempts though. i've got scars running down and accross my forearms an wrists along the veins from more attempts than i can count. i've found out that i can take 13 extra strength advil and still wake up the next day. i've also found out that getting hit by a car doesn't actually hurt all that much, assuming they swurve, to try to not hit you, and slam on their brakes. and suicide by asthma? doesn't work too well if your friends are around.

you all say that life is such a beautiful thing. but i've yet to see it. all i've ever seen is harsh reality with the odd glimmer of something so perfectly beautiful it actually hurts to look at it too long. like a girl with badly done make-up and clothes too big or too small.. but with such mathematically perfect features, that for a moment you don't notice all the man-made flaws. until she opens her mouth and speaks and you see her for what she really is.

you say i haven't given myself a chance.. 5 years is more than enough of a chance. you try living like this for 5 years, and all your memories of your life before that point bitterly disappointing, and unloved, and so horribly different from everyone else.. a complete freak. try growing up believing it's not alright to cry, and then feeling like bawling your eyes out every morning and every afternoon and night of every day.

try holding everyone else's lives together when your own is in shambles around you and you just want it to be over.. try to be the steady rock for them all. when your own foundation is crumbling so very quickly.. it's like drowning. and the beach is full of people, but no one notices. or if they do, they can't be bothered to throw you a rope. see how long you can hold your breath for..

and then try being so afraid of being ok, because you don't know what it's like anymore, that when one person does offer you a way out, you tell them nothing's wrong. and you lie so well that they believe you. a trained professional believes that you're absolutely fine. your best friends believe that you're happy holding them above the water, while your head's below the surface.

it's still hard to let it all go though. but i think i've got it all sorted out now though. i've only got 3 more letters to write. plus the general note to everyone else.

[Help_Needed]

It doesn't appear anything anyone says to you is going to change your mind. I just hope that before you do this that you think about your little sister. What if she feels the same why you do? What if she is planning to take her life soon or as already tried? Would you be completely accepting of that? Or maybe she doesn't want to commit suicide, but think of what she is giong to go through. I have a little sister and I had thought about suicide when I was about your age. My sister looks up to me and in her I eyes I am her world. I don't know what type of relationship you have with yours, but a lot is unspoken. I wouldn't have know my sister thought that if I wasn't told by my parents. She was the one that made me decide to live. I could not imagine her trying anything like that. Why would I do the same? You are going to make your own choice, but I bet there are a lot of people who want you to live. It seems like you are too busy fixing other peoples problems. Take time to explian your own problems and maybe they would make the effort to help you. I don't know you and I am not going to sit here and say what kind of person you are. I do know that you must be fairly strong to hang on this long. If you have tried for 5 years to do this, and you haven't died yet, then there is some reason you are still here. Atleast, that is what i believe. Please keep everyone in mind as you think this through, and don't think how they are going to take this, think how they can help you. I am sorry you came her for advice on how to let go because people are not willing to accept that you are ready to go!!! I send all the love of your friends and family yuor way.

[hayleyrosa]

I've recently been through the same kinda sh*t your going through. Life's hard and you just can't be bothered to try anymore, right? I'm not gonna say things are magically gonna get better, cause they won't, it doesn't work like that. Go see a Docter, they wont put you on medication if you don't ant to be but they can help in other ways. I know you've analiysed your own emotions but thats not the point of therapy, the point is to vent out your problems to someone who you don't know and it can help. Mental institutions arn't as bad as they seem either, it can give you a chance to break out f your cycle and get some time to yourself. Focus on yourself, who gives a damn about any one else, be bloody selfish. There are things to live for, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

And if you really do have to die, do it dramatically, get on a plane to Africa and go elephant hunting until the Green Peace catch up with you or something. Don't become a staistic.

This is a story I wrote after my recent problems, read right to the end and you might see a glimmer of hope;

link removed

[Help_Needed]

Outcast-Angel, I hope you are still with us. Please post something so we know you are alright!!!

[Outcast-Angel]

my plans for last night were ruined.. my friend Rae "kidnapped" me from work, just cause she missed me... but i kept up the countdown, and in the middle of the part we went to, it felt so wrong.. i was supposed to die a few hours ago. this isn't right. so i revised my plans, and i've taken the 26 advil that we had left tonight, instead of yesterday. things are starting to get blurry, and my mind is tired. so i'm assuming it's working. just wish i could take all the pain i might be causing with me. thank you all for trying to help. don't give up on yourselves, or on others, just because it was too later for me. vous m'avez donner un place le plus proche qu'un endroit ou je m'a sentie saufe que j'ai trouve au course de ma vie. merci. avec tous ma coeur, merci.

~Heather

[sonjam]

Heather, don't give up. You are suffering from depression. Please, you are so selfish by taking your life away from all those who love you. YOU KNOW it is so simple to help you, it has nothing to do with emotions, it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, easilly correctable if you would only ask!!

[snowgirl]

Angel, how are you doing today?

[sundaymorning]

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

I'm tired and I

I want to go to bed

 

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

And then leave me alone

Don't try to wake me in the morning

'Cause I will be gone

Don't feel bad for me

I want you to know

Deep in the cell of my heart

I will feel so glad to go

 

 

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep

I don't want to wake up

On my own anymore

 

 

Sing to me

Sing to me

I don't want to wake up

On my own anymore

 

 

Don't feel bad for me

I want you to know

Deep in the cell of my heart

I really want to go

 

 

There is another world

There is a better world

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well, there must be

Well ...

 

 

Bye bye

Bye bye

Bye ...

 

"Asleep" by the smiths

[sundaymorning]

angel......Im in love with your face! What a beautiful woman. What a beautiful person. Why would you want to leave us?? That is not fair! WHAT IF FATE IS SUPPOSE TO BRING ME TO MEET YOU ONE DAY? What if you are the one for me? What then? what are you doing baby? Why dont you stay and sing with me. Please! Please! Dont leave me please. We are all going to leave one day, lets wait till then! We can sing any song you'd like! Promise.

[darkblue]

Heather,

PM me and we can talk.