iamconfused5302 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 My EX broke up with me a month ago. I am still really into her but I am fine being her friend. I am hoping to have a 2nd chance to be with her again in the future. The thing is, she invites me to go out every weekend to the club , bars and such. We talk here and there almost everyday. She says that she misses me and my friends on how we use to hang out. I just want her to say one day, that she just misses me. Well after we broke up, she says she likes someone else. That she will be with this guy and asks if she wants me instead of him. What will happen? i said to her thats for her to figure out. That was the clincher for me, i was hurt-when i heard that. Im pretty sure they are going out now, but i dontknow how this will work out for her, cause the guy lives in a diff. state. Last night, she asked me to come out and hang out with her and gf's. I said i cant, im going to stay locally. But, she still persists asking me to come out and to see what im doing that night. so i dont know, I just want her back at some point and have her miss me. Im keeping very busy so she wouldnt be in my mind 24/7. Doing things for myself ,to keep myself happy. Is being a friend the right thing to do. Being there for her when she is in trouble or something. Or NC? Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 She's no longer your concern - you are. If you are still holding feelings for her; you would be punishing yourself if you stayed friends with her. If you did - and she got a boyfriend, how would you feel? And then they have problems - she talks to you about it... It's not going to help you. You can get over her quicker with NC. Link to comment
biacd Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 my ex broke up with me, but she still wants to remain as friends, and even tells me that i'm still special to her(on the day of the breakup). friends or nc? Link to comment
Myrddin Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 my ex broke up with me, but she still wants to remain as friends, and even tells me that i'm still special to her(on the day of the breakup). friends or nc? There's only one question you need to ask yourself: Can you handle just being friends? If the answer is no then you owe it to yourself to go down the NC route. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 It depends. First, if you really want her back, then you are going to need some contact to get her back. Some, not a lot. NC is for you, and to keep you from doing things that drive them away. Space apart from them allows you to heal a bit. If you keep seeing the thing that hurt you, you kind of keep picking at the scab. If you can see her, and she does not see how it hurts, then fine, see her (or him, which ever the case may be). The things that drive them away include you begging and pelading to have her back or just being her little puppy dog. If you really want ehr back, I'd recommend spending some time actually looking and learning about why we do go for certain people then doing some post mortem on why it ended. And then think about a plan to lure her back in. Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I agree! [rare occasion ] Link to comment
biacd Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 It depends. First, if you really want her back, then you are going to need some contact to get her back. Some, not a lot. we're in the same class, now what? Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Now what? Learn. Msot of us go through life with no real idea about what really makes a person want someone or not. We know may know about the urges to have sex and maybe the desire to procreate, but that's a small piece of the picture. The picture is really about all about emotions. Whether someone wants you or not is all about how they feel. Makes sense huh? So, if you want them to want you, then don't you need to figure out how they feel. If they do not feel the way that you want them to feel, then you either need to give up on them on move on to someone else, or you figure out how to get them to feel the way you want them to feel, i.e. interested or wanting you. How do you do that? Well, getting someone to want something that you want them to want is called seduction. Trying to figure out how someone really feels is a matter of learnign how to read them, their words in part, but msotly the things said without words, body language, watching what they react to, etc. Link to comment
iamconfused5302 Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 really good feedbacks. Every weekend she calls me to hang out with me and my friends. She says, that she misses me and my friends, if she doesnt see us. Link to comment
biacd Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 thanks a lot. i'm going to really think about this Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 To I am confused: I posted my answer to your dilemma a few weeks back. I will repost it: It still applies.... I hope you feel better soon and take care Link to comment
Rickster Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 bianc - I told you... Are you still in a stage that you are stil crazy for her and that you call her everyday, so that you think she would not forget about you, and begging and pestering her, and worrying about what she might be doing? If you are you have to NC. If you really want to be her friend then you will need some contact with her later on. Sorry Im tired Link to comment
biacd Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 yes i admit i still want her, but i'm not calling her anymore, nor am i pestering her. i wanted to NC for a bit, i went for about 30 hours, but she contacted me yesterday, and i had no choice but to answer, read up on my followup in my thread to know more about the situation. and now she's overseas. that contact with me yesterday is making me crave for more now, and i have the urge to text her asking if she's having fun and all, but i'm controlling myself now. Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 yes i admit i still want her, but i'm not calling her anymore, nor am i pestering her. i wanted to NC for a bit, but she contacted me yesterday, and i had no choice but to answer, read up on my followup in my thread to know more about the situation. By communicating with her - you are letting her know you're still thiking about her. Something she might take as desperation. Which is bad. NC for as long as it takes, not just 'for a bit'. Recover from the relationship and assume there is no chance of getting back with her. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 By communicating with her - you are letting her know you're still thiking about her. Something she might take as desperation. Which is bad. NC for as long as it takes, not just 'for a bit'. Recover from the relationship and assume there is no chance of getting back with her. After one bit of agreement, we are back to disagreeing. Not all communication signals desparation. If all your communication signalled interest or desire, that might be taken as desparation. Communciation is required, or there is no chance to get back with anyone. How do you get someone back, if you resist all communication? You cannot. You need to have communication, and you need to send mixed signals. Some of your signals should indicate that you are no longer interested, that you have moved on perhaps. Link to comment
darkblue Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 By communicating with her - you are letting her know you're still thiking about her. Something she might take as desperation. Which is bad. NC for as long as it takes, not just 'for a bit'. Recover from the relationship and assume there is no chance of getting back with her. After one bit of agreement, we are back to disagreeing. Not all communication signals desparation. If all your communication signalled interest or desire, that might be taken as desparation. Communciation is required, or there is no chance to get back with anyone. How do you get someone back, if you resist all communication? You cannot. You need to have communication, and you need to send mixed signals. Some of your signals should indicate that you are no longer interested, that you have moved on perhaps. Something she might take as desperation. It really depends what you are communicating her for. If you are calling her to tell her you miss her - that's a sign of desperation. If you are calling persistently to see how she is - that also could be seen as desperation. Communciation is required, or there is no chance to get back with anyone. Not necessarily. I had an ex in which I engaged NC with - she later realised what she had done etc, and tried to get back with me. Link to comment
iamconfused5302 Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 so, i can talk to her but not show interest in her. In actuality, i have interest in her in my mind in heart and mind. Link to comment
coooolsome Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Mixed signals. How that is a good question. How does one show mixed signals. What I am doing is I contacted her after a month and I will not contact her for a couple of weeks. Im assuming this would be mixed signals? Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 so, i can talk to her but not show interest in her. In actuality, i have interest in her in my mind in heart and mind. That may not be a good reason to talk to her for a while. Apparently she does not have interest in her heart and mind for you otherwise she would not be doing this to you. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Mixed signals. How that is a good question. How does one show mixed signals. What I am doing is I contacted her after a month and I will not contact her for a couple of weeks. Im assuming this would be mixed signals? Mixed signals are signals that show different things, creating vagueness. One signal would probably show interest, and another shows aloofness, not quite to indifference. Link to comment
jigsaw Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Mixed signals. How that is a good question. How does one show mixed signals. What I am doing is I contacted her after a month and I will not contact her for a couple of weeks. Im assuming this would be mixed signals? Mixed signals are signals that show different things, creating vagueness. One signal would probably show interest, and another shows aloofness, not quite to indifference. Exactly, if you send mixed signals you no longer come accross as needy and depserate. Link to comment
iamconfused5302 Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 what signals do you mean? if you dont mind me asking. can u provide me some examples Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I can think of an example. Say you see her every day. One day, you see her and she wants to talk to you, and you stop, and listen to her and make lots of eye contact. There is a sure sign that you are interested in her. It does not say you are interested in her being your gf, or just a friend, or anything, but it shows her you appreciate her and are interested in what she has to say. The next day, when she wants to talk, you are too busy, you stop say hello, and then excuse yourself to rush off and speak to someone else. So, you are nice, polite, but you do not show the same interest in her. These would be mixed signals. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Or manipulation. Since whether someone is attracted to, wants or is interested in you is all determined by how they feel, I have no problem with assisting them to have those feelings. How else do you intend to attract someone? By making them feel so they would not be interested? Doubt it. And how exactly is that manipulating? Link to comment
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