cheated with a coworker

[cyberleeze]

After working for a year with a coworker, he suddenly started talking to me more and making flirting comments (We're both married). I have to admit I enjoyed the attention, so when he approached me in a secluded area of work and starting kissing me, I did'nt resist. For a week we would sneak off to empty offices (we work third shift) and things progressed. He kept wanting to have sex in the office and when I finally gave in, the next day he told me he was freaked out about the risk we took and his performance (he had trouble staying "excited") . Now even though I have'nt mentioned anything about what happened, he avoids me at all cost and won't even look at me. I'm not looking for a future with him, I just want him to be mature about this and treat me like he did before. After all, he started this and pursued it to it's conclusion. Anybody have any ideas on what's going on with him? By the way, he told me this isn't the first time he's cheated. It's my first though.

[dEllInDa]

Sounds like Married Man is having anxiety about his sexual performance and is having a tough time facing you due to his embarrassment. He is actually doing you a favor by staying away. Run don't walk away from this situation and fast!!!

Here is thought for you. . .

Why not put that energy into your marriage?

[shes2smart]

Unfortunately, you can't make him behave the way you'd like him to...or for that matter, he can't be made to behave like a decent, mature human being. His behavior is entirely under his control, and entirely his choice.

 

He's probably embarrassed by his...erm...downfall, the situation, and who knows what all else. I wouldn't waste anymore time wondering what's going on with him, though...not your responsibility. Is this someone you have to interact with in the course of your job or is it someone you could choose to leave alone? If it's someone you have to interact with, I'd keep those interactions strictly business and drop anything beyond what you need to do to get your work done. If it's someone you don't have to interact with, I wouldn't bother.

 

My suggestion to you is to put your focus on why you went outside of your marriage and address those issues. Are there problems at home? Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you don't address the issues that led you to cheat, you may find yourself in a similar situation in the future...either with this guy or with another one.

[darkblue]

Why are you so concerend about the intentions of the man who cheated with you?

 

I think you're priorities are wrong - your marriage should be first.

 

It's not your position to care what he's doing.

Start taking steps towards repairing your marriage. Or leave it.

Does your husband deserve this?

 

Stop playing childish games.

[arwen]

I am surprised that you seem to worry more about how to deal with the man at work than with the man at home.

 

Ilse.

[darkblue]

I am surprised that you seem to worry more about how to deal with the man at work than with the man at home.

 

Ilse.

 

I agree.

Do you have any intentions of telling your husband?

I think it's about time you re-evaluated your marriage.

 

Do you want to stay with him?

Are you happy with him?

[Caldus]

Why are you so concerend about the intentions of the man who cheated with you?

 

I think you're priorities are wrong - your marriage should be first.

 

It's not your position to care what he's doing.

Start taking steps towards repairing your marriage. Or leave it.

Does your husband deserve this?

 

Stop playing childish games.

 

I agree.

[cyberleeze]

I appreciate all the replies. I think the reason I went outside my marriage is that it was exciting to be desired by another man, especially an older one. I admit my mistake and just want to get past this at work. I deal with him and see him throughout my shift, so it's difficult to go on when he barely acknowledges my presense. Any man out there wanna answer this? If he was so hot to go and start something, why does he now see me as the problem?

[darkblue]

I had to take some deep breaths before replying to this.

 

I admit my mistake and just want to get past this at work

 

This is the last time I'm saying this; so pay take it in this time:

This Man Should Not Be Your Priority

 

He is the one that contributed to your seedy little affair.

 

Have you any intentions of telling your husband or working on your failing marriage?

[cyberleeze]

I don't have any intentions of telling my husband, since it was only once, and it won't happen again. I spend more time with the man at work, than my husband since we're on completely opposite shifts. That's my concern with the guy at work.

[darkblue]

Does he deserve this?

Do you agree that there is problems with your marriage?

 

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part."

 

Does that ring a bell?

[lady00]

Like the other posters said...you can't make him act the way you want...if he wants to ignore you then that's up to him. You can try talking to him about it but if he won't acknowledge your presense then that would be hard. I think you should just take the awkward situation between you as a reminder never to repeat the mistake you made with him or anyone else. Just try your best to act professionally and focus on your job. Let him do what he wants to do and react the way he wants to react to you. Go ahead and ignore him right back...just focus on the job at hand. If its really important for the job that you two don't totally ignore each other then hopefully over time the awkwardness will subside somewhat. For the moment, just think about yourself and your own actions because that is all that you can control.

[novaseeker]

I don't have any intentions of telling my husband, since it was only once, and it won't happen again. I spend more time with the man at work, than my husband since we're on completely opposite shifts. That's my concern with the guy at work.

 

Yes, but this is the BIG BIG problem about having affairs at work. I don't hav a lot of sympathy for you here. My ex also had an affair at work and it ended up eventually costing both of them their jobs, tsk tsk. You made a choice to have that affair, and now you have to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

If I were you I would spend more time worrying about your relationship with your husband than your issues at work. It wasn't 'one time' ... it was an extended series of betrayals, an extended series of sneaking around. Your husband deserves to know if you are unsatisfied with the marriage. I'd advise discussing that with him and working on your marriage.

[Hope75]

Perhaps he's avoiding you because he's feeling guilty for cheating on his wife and contributing to someone else cheating. Regardless, why are you focusing on it?

 

I can understand the excitement of having another man besides your husband be attracted to you, but there is a fundemental difference between enjoying the attention and having sex outside your marriage.

 

You don't sound like you have any remorse for what you did to your husband and marriage. Do you?

[Caldus]

I say worry about your marriage first before him...

[darkblue]

Perhaps he's avoiding you because he's feeling guilty for cheating on his wife and contributing to someone else cheating. Regardless, why are you focusing on it?

 

I can understand the excitement of having another man besides your husband be attracted to you, but there is a fundemental difference between enjoying the attention and having sex outside your marriage.

 

You don't sound like you have any remorse for what you did to your husband and marriage. Do you?

 

Preciesly.

I'd also like to know if you regret it.

It sounds like you're more concerned about what this guy thinks of you - than what has happened to your marriage.

[RandomAdvisor]

You don't sound like you have any remorse for what you did to your husband and marriage. Do you?

 

My thoughts exactly. Makes you wonder about "it'll never happen again..."

[jna35]

I agree 100% with darkblue. A marriage built on lies will not stand a chance. Your husband deserves to know what happened. The truth always finds a way of coming out anyway. If you love your husband then I would suggest forgetting about this guy at work and getting to work on your marriage, even if that means finding a new place of employment.

[miracle29]

DARK BLUE? Are you my long lost twin? Come on , you can tell me.

No all joking aside, I just like your style.

 

Cyber..I have to agree with DB here, And i think what everyone is telling you is that you have your signals crossed a bit. In other words you are worried about the wrong persons feelings and thoughts. You are reading too much into this guy, and its a very strange blessing in disguise that he couldnt get it up and now is ashamed of this. This should have kept you from wanting him further, but it seems that you are still curious as to why he doesnt do this, or that. The point is, it doesnt matter, both of you are ...or were supposed to be unavailiable to eachothers desires. You and he both made a mistake, and even if you choose not to ever tell your husband, you have to be honest with yourself and figure out how you got into this mess and how you are going to be able to face him without seeing another mans face on his body. (did that make sense)?.

 

I think instead of obsessing over this guys thoughts and why he doesnt do this or that, perhaps you should be re-evaluating your thoughts and why you DID do what you did with him and in the office of all places. That was very dangerous and you two could have been caught and then the whole town would have known including his wife and your husband. I also think his (sexual..uh..issues) might be the stem of some of the same problems he is having with his wife. You may never know...but something tells me this isnt his first time not being able to get it up. Maybe he thought with you he could have a miracle...and finally feel like a man again, but then when he didnt succeed ..now he's back to square one.

 

If you could cheat on your husband like this, and the only thing you are worried about is "the other mans thoughts and feeling" you may want to really take some time to figure out if this "till death do us part" is really all its cracked up to be for you. Maybe you want out and just don't know how to get out....

And judging from this last post I feel sadly that if another man came along who "could get it up and stay up" you may continue on into another affair. What do you think about this? Do you think you could? If the answer is yes..then I think you need to see some counseling and figure out if you need to be out of this marriage.

[cyberleeze]

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm not remorseful. I'am, but my marriage has been shaky long before this, starting a year ago when I found out my husband had posted profiles on, not one, but two dating website! We actually met online 9 years ago. I'm not blaming him for what I did, or trying to make him out to be the villian. But he's not the innocent trusting soul one might think he is. I have everything you all are saying coming to me, I don't deny that and I appreciate your words. Telling my husband is not going to fix our marriage. I love my husband, but the physical attraction isn't there for me anymore. But I'm not going to leave him or destroy him by telling him about my mistake and I know it WAS My Mistake.

[Caldus]

If you aren't attracted to him in any way anymore, then perhaps it's time to end it?

[novaseeker]

Telling my husband is not going to fix our marriage. I love my husband, but the physical attraction isn't there for me anymore. But I'm not going to leave him or destroy him by telling him about my mistake and I know it WAS My Mistake.

 

See, this part I don't get at all.

 

It will have and has had a negative impact on your marriage in any case. I understand that most people do not have dalliances like yours when they are in an untroubled relationship. However, the dalliances have an impact whether you like it or not ... you can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't have an impact just because you don't want to tell him.

 

To be honest, if the relationship is troubled and you're not physically attracted to him any longer, that spells very bad news for your marriage. Physical attraction and sexual affection are a key for a successful marriage. If I were you, I would try to address these issues in the marriage. If you don't, staying in the marriage is counterproductive and will make neither of you happy.

[yeawutever]

If telling ur husband about ur mistake will ruined then do this: 1) Don't tell ur hubby, 2) Stop worrying baout the other guy at work 3) Don't talk tot he other guy, 4) How about u going to counseling, not letting ur hubby know the real reason 5) reolve ur marriage, more communication and don't repeat the same mistake. You don't really ahve to tell ur husband if u don't want to, but don't do that again, he doesn't deserve that.

[lady00]

I love my husband, but the physical attraction isn't there for me anymore. But I'm not going to leave him or destroy him by telling him about my mistake and I know it WAS My Mistake.

 

Isn't physical attraction part of a relationship? I understand you love your husband but I think it takes more than that to make a relationship work...all the other factors including attraction should be in place too in my opinion. It doesn't sound like you're happy in the marriage. Are you?

[yeawutever]

Right it doens't seen that ur happy, u need counseling to try to work things out, but u don't necessary have to tell ur husband about the affair. If he ask why u going counseling or wuts wrong, just say that u don't feel physical attraction towards him and say how stress u feel. DON'T TELL about the affair if u don't want to.