jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 People tell me I'm attractive, intelligent and fun to be with but over the last year i've had no success finding a partner. I get in the dilemma of me not liking the people who like me, or the people I like not liking me. So I go on these dates (when they bother to show up), have a great time and that's it. It's either they dont call again or I don't call them. I divorced a year ago and I was thinking maybe I wasnt ready but I'm sure am now ready to love and be loved again so what's the problem?? I don't just meet any new guy after a few online chats. I take a few months to find out more about them before making the decision to meet. There have been a couple of men that I've been chatting with for about 6 months. We meet up and then nothing happens after. I hate to chase 'cos it's bad for my self-esteem but it's now beginning to worry me that I might not find someone but I dont want to give out the vibe of being desperate. Throwing myself into my work and hobbies will not leave me enough time to date as I've found out recently. Anyway, I've had my moan! Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 maybe you do something to scare them off. or send out bad vibes i would ask my closest friends what they think of me and what i need to improve. maybe its just that you were married and was used to being out of the dating scene its hard to get into after bn with someone for along time you feel akward at first. buti guess practice makes perfect. you do have to chase a little bit but also leave mystery. leave little breadcrumbs to your heart. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Your story reminds of Miranda from "Sex and the city". You know the guys that you have that great 2nd date with.... and then you never hear from them again?!?! I pretend that they died." Anyways, it may or may not be something that you are doing. Maybe they just didn't feel the chemistry there. I think you should be honest with yourself. Do you need to lose 30 pounds, do you have any gray hairs? Buck teeth? Did you talk too much about your divorce, or about your ex, or about your 10 cats? Or, it just could have nothing to do with you. You know, you have to feel a "spark" and if they didn't feel it.... Just keep on trying with new men!!! Good luck! Link to comment
jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 maybe you do something to scare them off. or send out bad vibes i would ask my closest friends what they think of me and what i need to improve. Thanks for trying to help me. I really do hope I'm not scaring men off but it will appear that way from my account. Like I said close friends are bewildered that I dont have someone, ok, I'm not a size six but I take proper care of myself, dont us drugs or anything, I have a good sense of humour and work hard to pay my bills, am friendly and have a life-of-the-party personality. I'll ask a few friends again and see what they say. Once again cheers Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I don't just meet any new guy after a few online chats. I take a few months to find out more about them before making the decision to meet. There have been a couple of men that I've been chatting with for about 6 months. oh, ok, now that I re-read your post, I think that this is a problem... I also am on a dating site. I've found that men that are truly interested in meeting a woman will ask her out within the first 4-5 e-mails or so. Because how much info do you really need before you ask a person on a date? All you need is a photo, approximate age, hobbies, favorite movie, favorite food. Basically, the same information as if he had met you at a party, and they wanted to see you again. Men that chat for 6 months without asking for a date... well, I think that they want a pen-pal, not a relationship. Some may enjoy talking to you because they are finding out more about women and what makes them tick. If a guy doesn't ask me out within 4-8 e-mails, I stop writing, because I think he's a time-waster. One guy, asked me out after 10 e-mails, but it turned out he decided to drop out of school and leave the country. He told me this on our 2nd date. I do really think that's your problem - you're meeting men that aren't that interested in you. Think about it - if they were really interested, they would have wanted to meet you in person over drinks or dinner, instead of waiting 6 months before another man could snap you up! Link to comment
novaseeker Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Well, we'll let her clarify, but I had the impression that the OP wanted to wait a while before agreeing to meet in person, so she could get to know these people a bit first online. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Well, I think that can be a problem. I guess you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with, but I think over time, people lose interest, and then you turn into their pen pal. And then they meet you, and decide they liked you as their pen pal better. People do online dating so that they can have dates! I think it's better to get to know each other in person, face to face, rather than over e-mail. I don't necessarily think that you can really get to know someone over e-mail all that well... She posted because things aren't going well and wants some advice. If you aren't getting the results you want, you have to change your strategy. And I think that this is a key thing that can be changed - how long until you meet them face to face. Link to comment
jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Your story reminds of Miranda from "Sex and the city". You know the guys that you have that great 2nd date with.... and then you never hear from them again?!?! I pretend that they died." That really made me laugh! Put me in a good mood I think I'll take a tip from Miranda and actually pretend that those guys died. To answer your questions, I'm full figured (UK size 16) , do not have gray hairs, buck teeth and never talk about my ex ( I dont even remember that much about him anyway to talk about) and I have no pets. But like Miranda, as u pointed out, I work very hard and am proud of my achievements in what I do. I work as an IT professional, manage two bands, have an album out on my own label due out next month and gig regularly round the country. Maybe I go on about that too much. Does that mean I have to make myself less significant to attract a man? Please reply. Cheers Link to comment
jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 I don't just meet any new guy after a few online chats. I take a few months to find out more about them before making the decision to meet. There have been a couple of men that I've been chatting with for about 6 months. I do really think that's your problem - you're meeting men that aren't that interested in you. Think about it - if they were really interested, they would have wanted to meet you in person over drinks or dinner, instead of waiting 6 months before another man could snap you up! You may well have a point there annie24. Makes a lot of sense really now I think about it. I guess I preferred to wait because, with online dating you never know who you're really talking to . They could be axe murderers or something. I wouldnt feel safe to meet someone after just a week of meeting online. For me it's essential that I establish some rapport before meeting up for a drink. Then my work comes and it's hard for me to put a date in the diary because of other committments. Thanks for re-reading my post to point this out Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 It seems that you want to get to know quite a bit about these men before you go on a date with them but you need to know that this means the dating process is going to take longer. I think you need to be patient and know that finding the appropriate person takes time. Link to comment
jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 It seems that you want to get to know quite a bit about these men before you go on a date with them but you need to know that this means the dating process is going to take longer. I think you need to be patient and know that finding the appropriate person takes time. Thanks Day_Walker. That will be right if there was a "process" going on. Patience is my middle name. I wait and wait and then nothing to show for it. I only wish I'd get more than one date per person that's all. Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Honestly...I think a big mistake you are making IS waiting so long to meet them. I mean, you need to do what you feel comfortable with, but the danger in waiting so long is you build up expectations of each other, and you fall more for the person that is being presented, not the person as they truly are. The truth is you can click like you were soulmates split at birth online, but you are clicking with someone whom is only showing you their best...it takes real life to see if there is a true connection. I have done online dating for a good while now, had three relationships from it. One lasted three months, one 16 months..and the one I am in now, well we live together and are very sure, both of us, we are going to be together a very very very long time. It was just right. And him? Well we talked for a few days, he asked me out within a few days, and we met within a week and a half. We both had low expectations, just a date, a friend maybe, but we clicked, worked right. The thing is I approached online dating as a VENUE, not the answer. I sometimes met people that I was not sure I would click with, I met people I thought were interesting online, weren't offline, I met people I thought were rather dull online, and were totally fun off it...you have to take some chances to meet the ultimate. Also realize, the right person takes time to meet. Not everyone you date can be the one for you, or the right fit. Decide what you want and need in a person, don't settle for less, and keep your eyes and heart open...the one whom is the one for you might be the one you least expect. Link to comment
djedix Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I met the girl i'm dating via that vile Myspace site. At first i thought she was just one of those 'myspace girls' she had alot of random guys on her site and stuff... so i just expected her to be just another one of them, and went in not expecting it to be anything... when i was dead wrong..... she turned out to be the complete op, exactly what i was looking for, and now were togeather Link to comment
novaseeker Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I agree with you in terms of the timing issue. In my own life, I've only developed relationships with people online through common interests, and not through actual dating sites, and these people were not local, so meeting in the short term was not really on the table, and I guess that's what I was thinking of when I wrote what I did above. If you're using a dating site and the person is local, then yes I agree that 6 months is a bit long to wait for a first date/meeting. Link to comment
jifeak Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 RayKay, annie24 and novaseeka, I agree, I am waiting too long to meet people. I'll work on that. Cheers to everyone else that have contributed to my question. All the best to you all. Hopefully some day soon, I'll come back with a more positive post Link to comment
skyblue1 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 I'm going through the same thing. Find it so hard to meet someone and when comes to dating them you think wow we got on well, then all of a sudden nothing happens which makes us feel low. It's nothing to do with you at all. I guess you should go out have fun with friends and if someone comes along great. The time will come for you and me. x Link to comment
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