Husband kissed another woman in Vegas

[feelingblue]

My husband was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and kissed another girl. What kills me is that they exchanged numbers and email addresses and kept in touch his first week back. I only found this info out after much investigating on my own (checking his out bound call log, email, etc.) I can't get over why he lied about it. If it was a drunken kiss then that's one thing but to keep in touch and keep telling me they became friends is driving me insane. He even calls her a good person. I need major advice!

[novaseeker]

My husband was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and kissed another girl. What kills me is that they exchanged numbers and email addresses and kept in touch his first week back. I only found this info out after much investigating on my own (checking his out bound call log, email, etc.) I can't get over why he lied about it. If it was a drunken kiss then that's one thing but to keep in touch and keep telling me they became friends is driving me insane. He even calls her a good person. I need major advice!

 

Tell him it's out of bounds, tell him how hurt you are, tell him he has to stop this kind of behavior.

 

Do you have any other issues in your relationship? It could be that this was simply a mistake on his part (but one he should be called on the mat for), but it could also be reflective of other issues in your relationship.

[Vert]

My husband was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and kissed another girl. What kills me is that they exchanged numbers and email addresses and kept in touch his first week back. I only found this info out after much investigating on my own (checking his out bound call log, email, etc.) I can't get over why he lied about it. If it was a drunken kiss then that's one thing but to keep in touch and keep telling me they became friends is driving me insane. He even calls her a good person. I need major advice!

 

Wow... serious red flags here. It has always been my personal opinion that drunk or not you still know what you're doing. The fact that he's been keeping up correspondence is evidence of that, and you really need to confront him. Sure he didn't have sex with any of the girls, but a kiss is still cheating no matter how you slice it.

 

I think definitely a discussion with him is needed on this. Be strong and don't let him push you into a corner over the fact that you might be too sensitive or too worrisome (sp?).

[feelingblue]

I know all they did was kiss --the first night. The second night they just walked around the hotel in Vegas and talked. We definitely had some issues before he went but nothing that warranted this. We have been together a long time and sure it wasn't as exciting anymore (married 2 years, together 6 years) and I am sure he loved the attention from her. when he got back and told me what happened I was soo out of control, screaming and crying and angry and not in the right state of mind. He claims to have kept in touch b/c he couldn't talk to me and he felt this person was a friend. We went to counseling a few days ago and he promises she is out of his life. He sent her an email and cc'd me on it telling her it was wrong to keep in touch but I am still soo betrayed. She lives way accross the country from us so I have no idea why i am so paranoid but I just feel soo low and depressed that he hid their corespondence and the only reason I know is b/c i logged into his email account without him telling me.

[Ariel]

Ouch. It's bad enough that he did it, but from your post he sounds like he's barely showing any remorse!

I don't think you should let him get away with it, because that throws open the gate for him to do it again and again.

If you want to work through it, insist he goes to relationship counselling with you. If he won't, it may be time to consider whether there is any future with a guy like this.

[Ariel]

Ah, think we crossed posts. I'm glad he's making some effort with the counselling. You're bound to feel paranoid and betrayed, the sort of wound he has caused will not go away overnight, it will take some serious hard work and he will have to completely regain your trust from scratch. I am sure you can do it if you're both prepared to work at it.

[feelingblue]

We are in counseling. All this happened less then 2 weeks ago. We have been wanting to go to counseling for a while. I can't sleep or eat. I am a mess, crying and depressed. I am a jealous person to begin with but now I feel like he is still in touch. He did send her an email and cc'd me telling her that it was wrong to keep in touch and it was over but I feel so betrayed and I can't trust him. . I am so paranoid that I think he is keeping in touch from work where I can't investigate . He said it's over and no more communication and she should be mortified to even want to contact him but I have soo much doubt.

[feelingblue]

Things b/w us are much better. Besides the fact I am paranoid and can't stop crying. Our relationship is better if that makes sense. Before this happened we weren't intitmiate enough (maybe once every 2 weeks) and he always said he needed more but we both seemed to grow bored. I am not making excues for him but he isn't the cheating type. I know he was lonley before the trip and i know this girl made him feel special and he loved the attention but I still can't get over it. Things are so much better with us in that regard, we are in therapy but I just can't get over the betrayal and the fact he wanted to stay in touch, although just as friends but why would he ?

[novaseeker]

Things b/w us are much better. Besides the fact I am paranoid and can't stop crying. Our relationship is better if that makes sense. Before this happened we weren't intitmiate enough (maybe once every 2 weeks) and he always said he needed more but we both seemed to grow bored. I am not making excues for him but he isn't the cheating type. I know he was lonley before the trip and i know this girl made him feel special and he loved the attention but I still can't get over it. Things are so much better with us in that regard, we are in therapy but I just can't get over the betrayal and the fact he wanted to stay in touch, although just as friends but why would he ?

 

Tell him he can't stay in touch. That's a very reasonable demand from you. The reason is that you are married to him, and they have already had inappropriate contact with each other. It has to end. Period. I would be firm on that.

 

When my ex-wife had her 'mistake', it was with her boss, so I had no such luxury of being able to tell her 'no contact' short of demanding she change jobs, which I toyed with demanding but we couldn't really swing that at the time.

 

In any case, please do enter counseling with an open mind and make sure he participates as well. All of this has to be discussed and aired property, what you're feeling, what he is thinking (ie, why he would even suggest he wants to stay in contact with this woman), what you each are feeling towards each other, about your relationship, etc.

 

I hate to say it, but it's often the case that after an infidelity, sexual intimacy between a couple picks up for a time. It isn't necesarily a sign that things are better ... sometimes it's simply an effort to try to solve or resolve some issues through sex, so be carefulo about that.

 

I wish you the best in this.

[caasiopia68]

hey, what happens in vegas stays in vegas

[Day_Walker]

I believe that most people would say that this is cheating, I think its important that you communicate to your husband how you feel and you can ask all the questions you have.

[RayKay]

This was cheating in my opinion, drunk or not I don't believe that is an excuse EVER. You still chose to drink, and the results that happen are consequences of that.

 

He does not seem to really be very apologetic or concerned about what he did - which concerns me even MORE than the fact he kissed another woman. And yes, having a friendship with her after the fact is something you absolutely should have a problem with - he has already demonstrated this is NOT purely platonic. And it is normal you have all these insecurities and trust issues - he should be working to gain that trust back.

 

However, you should continue the counselling and see what can come from it. You may also want to try individual counselling in addition to it.

[TiredMan]

 

It has always been my personal opinion that drunk or not you still know what you're doing.

 

I have to definitely disagree with that lol. When I was in college, I was drinking some nights a lot when I went out and let me be the first to tell you, I had no idea what I was doing many times. I have woken up in girls' dorm rooms and been like who the heck are you? I have also been told by a friend that he was driving down a street when I saw him and I jumped on his hood while he was driving. Others saw this too but I don't recall anything like that and it's certainly nothing I would ever think about doing.

 

Not saying this is the guy's case here but just had to point out that there are cases where you don't have a clue what you are doing.

[feelingblue]

I don't know if you have read my other posts but we are in counseling. Eventhough all this happened less then 2 weeks ago it was really questions my entire 6 year relationship. If he was so bored and unhappy, why didn't he come to me? Why did he let it get to this point. And if he only kissed her one night and walked around and talked the other night then why continue to keep in touch when she lives on the other side of the country? This I cannot make sense of. He claims if I wasn't as angry and out of control this week he would have never kept in touch with her but he needed to talk to someone and was obviously too embarrased to talk to someone we both know.

[Ariel]

Not saying this is the guy's case here but just had to point out that there are cases where you don't have a clue what you are doing.

 

Maybe not, but if you are a faithful person, with morals, you will not kiss another person while in a loving relationship no matter how drunk you are!

People use drink as an excuse so many times and it's just lame.

We are responsible for our own actions and choices, regardless of how much we've had to drink.

[TiredMan]

 

Maybe not, but if you are a faithful person, with morals, you will not kiss another person while in a loving relationship no matter how drunk you are!

People use drink as an excuse so many times and it's just lame.

We are responsible for our own actions and choices, regardless of how much we've had to drink.

 

I agree and my drinking days are long over. BUT, and this is a big but, if you drink enough, you can not know what is going on. Man, I would french kiss a goat if I was drunk enough lol. And believe me, it's not one of my urges.

[BellaDonna]

My husband was in Las Vegas for a bachelor party

 

Any sentence that begins with those words tends to end in a horror story...

 

I think the worst part is not the drunken kiss (a dumb impulsive mistake), but the fact that he wanted to stay in contact (a very conscious choice with questionable motives).

 

While in counseling, make sure you find out if a kiss was indeed all that happened, and most importantly, why in the world he would think it was ok to stay "friends" with this woman. Everything has to come out before any healing can begin.

 

I can totally understand why you would be so devastated. Hang in there. Maybe counseling will help and you will make your relationship stronger as a result. You have taken the right steps to try to remedy this situation.

 

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you in the end,

 

BellaDonna

[feelingblue]

Thanks for your reply. to make a long story short, we had problems before his trip, not that I ever expcted this. I know he liked the attention from her and she made him feel good. She is single and in my eye a pariah! She knew he was married, in fact during their "friendship" he spoke a lot about us and our marriage problems. I have no idea why he did that and it kills me he could confide in a complete stranger that I am sure he was attaracted to. But why on earth would she want to deal with him and his baggage. I know she is single so I am sure his emails to her were the highlight of her day but how could she sleep at night knowing she is taking on the wife role of somoene eles'e husband. And what really gets me is that he keeps calling her a good person. How could a good person kiss another woman's husband and then aggresivlely keep in touch,. I checked his phone log, and while they were in Vegas there were 3 missed calls in a row from her, she just couldn't leave him alone.

[BellaDonna]

I know she is single so I am sure his emails to her were the highlight of her day but how could she sleep at night knowing she is taking on the wife role of somoene eles'e husband.

 

I know you are really angry right now. And yes, what SHE did was definitly not something morally right...yes it was low since she knew he was married. But she is still single and she didn't violate any vows. Your husband is the one who commited a major violation to your marriage- so forget about this woman and focus on him. Ultimatly he did more of the "wrong" and he's the one you have to live with. Keep in mind she would not be able to "take" him unless he put himself up for the taking....

 

I'm not trying to make you more angry at him, but keep in mind his behavior was definitely the bigger offense. This woman is a stranger to you, so she didn't care. However, you're his wife and he should have cared enough not to act like that. See my point?

 

The fact that he was confiding in her shows at the very least, that he felt the need to talk to someone about the marriage. However he chose a very inappropriate context to do so and the rest of his behavior is totally inexcusable. Hopefully therapy will allow him to talk about your relationship in a productive, nondestructive way.

 

BellaDonna

[novaseeker]

I agree with Bella.

 

It's not all that uncommon for an in appropriate touching or relationship to begin with inappropriate intimate sharing about things like marital issues. That sends the third party a signal that "hey, I'm not happy in my marriage", which some may take as a sign that it is 'okay to proceed'. Either way, it's your husband who acted more inappropriately by sharing those intimate details and then a kiss and then prolonging things.

 

You need to explore in couples therapy why he felt the need to do these things. I sense that if he was sharing marital details, its more than a one-mistake-kiss. You both need to get to the bottom as to why these things were not communicated within the marriage, and try to start with that as a basis for beginning to work on things.

[Miss M]

He claims if I wasn't as angry and out of control this week he would have never kept in touch with her but he needed to talk to someone and was obviously too embarrased to talk to someone we both know.

So, he is the one who did wrong and and then resorted to rationalizing how his bad behavior was your fault? That's a pretty horrible thing to do to you on top of everything else. This will probably get sorted out in counseling, but just know that for him to try that ploy isn't at all fair to you. He should be remorseful and making amends, not coming up with explanations that blame you for his betrayal of you.

[feelingblue]

Thanks. I agree that we need to explore it in therapy but I am just so angry that waiting for the weekly sessions seems like light years away. I can't stop bringing it up to him. I am constantly checking in to make sure she hasn't gotten in touch. Yesterday was his b'day and I was paranoid she would send him an email since she knew the date. He claims she didn't make contact with him but it's so hard to believe him. The week he got home I uncovered soo many more details that he never told me (on my own snooping and investigating) that I feel like he wouldn't tell me the truth. At this point I honestly believe he won't see her out but I don't know if she is finished with him and I don't know if she does contact that he wouldn't respond back, does this make sense? He started off telling me if was a drunken (and high) kiss. On my own, I went through his email and found a string of emails and that there were some calls on both ends. I also found at in therapy that they walked around the next night and just talked, nothign happened. But it's hard to believe him now when he says it's over. Like why did he finally wake up and relazie that now it's over but the other day it was fine to email her (talking about me negatively none the less). Since therapy we have gotten out why we were drifting but still, he told her things that made me look really bAD and how can he now all of a sudden be with me like nothing happened

[BellaDonna]

he told her things that made me look really bAD and how can he now all of a sudden be with me like nothing happened

 

He wants to save his behind.

 

 

BellaDonna

[novaseeker]

Since therapy we have gotten out why we were drifting but still, he told her things that made me look really bAD and how can he now all of a sudden be with me like nothing happened

 

He needs to realize that he has to accept your feelings and reaction to what he did, and not dismiss them. Yes. he's trying to save his behind in a way, but he also needs to realize that it's totally valid for you to feel awful about being talked badly about to someone behind your back, and at that, someone who is romantically interested in your H.

[Miss M]

Right now you're understandably feeling a lot emotions, anger, betrayal. And you're feeling betrayed because you WERE betrayed, so that's a very logical response. And you're feeling mistrustful of him because he was deceitful, sneaky, lying. He did a lot of things wrong, kissing, and then continuing a secret communication with her, and using that relationship to fulfill some emotional need he has. That's what therapists call "emotional cheating," (or something similiar), it's when someone looks for emotional comfort in another that he should be seeking from his/her partner.

 

And you found out what he did on your own by checking on him, so you're likely feeling that if you hadn't snooped, he'd still be carrying on with her, and maybe you're right about that. And I'm guessing that since it was your checking on him that seemed to stop the betrayal, that's what pushing you to now keep checking on him in an obsessive way. But you weren't responsible for his cheating, and checking up on him shouldn't be the reason he doesn't cheat again. He should honor his marriage without your checking on him to make sure. You just need reassurance that it won't happen again, and it seems he isn't adequately giving you that.

 

For now, just know that you don't trust him because he's been untrustworthy, so your suspicions and mistrust are justified. It's very logical and normal to be suspicious and angry under these circumstances. And he's definitely not making it any better by being defensive, or acting nonchalant, and tossing a few accusations at you, making his betrayal your responsibility. If he gives you a few reassurances but adds in defensiveness, indifference, and accusations, that's not very effective towards helping you trust him, and it really doesn't help you calm down.

 

There are a lot of layers and nuances that will be sorted out in therapy, but for now just trust that all your feelings are perfectly normal. I've not been through this kind of thing, and honestly I don't know what to advise for how to get through it at this painful stage. But I do know that what you're feeling right now is normal.

 

I agree that we need to explore it in therapy but I am just so angry that waiting for the weekly sessions seems like light years away.

Understood. I'm in therapy for other reasons and I often had those same exact thoughts when going through something especially difficult. You need advice about what to do with those intense emotions during the long stretches when you're alone with your thoughts. And when you go to therapy, you should make that a priority and also ask about that. Also, can you contact your therapist between sessions when you're feeling overwhelmed? Maybe s/he could advise something. In the meantime, post here, and also find supportive friends/family so you can vent. Sometimes it just feels better when you know you've been heard and understood. And maybe there are a few other things that some other posters could suggest, since I'm not coming up with much. Sorry.