Is it over?

[Simon80]

My gf of 15 months left me a month ago, I am very upset. I'm 24 and she was my first love. The relationship was the most amazing experience of my life for the first 7 months or so. Then things seemed to slip. She would do things that pissed me off and there was times I couldn't stand to come home to be around her. We soon began fighting all the time. I know my attitude didn't help either. I would nit pick at stupid stuff I thought was important. I was borderline verbally abusive. The sex really slowed down too, this would cause a lot of fights.

 

In the end I'm like 'I don't care leave' then she did. I was Ok for that night then the next day I felt very alone. I mean I was unhappy in the end, but now that it's over I can't stop thinking about her and what we had in the beginning. I am obsessing about the first 7 months. I mean I also feel like I didn't know what I had. In the beginning she really took care of me, she did any and everything to make me happy. Then it seemed I got carefree about how I treated her. She began to distant herself. I saw this and didn't care. Then she left.

 

Truth be told I do love her very much. I asked her to start over, to get things back. I even started going to therapy about my anger. She tells me not right now. She sends me txt messages like 'I've been thinking about you a lot today' and emails saying 'I'm starting to put my anger behind me, if you can do it so can I' (she was really mad at me at the end). Why does she still contact me, more then I contact her? But doesn't want to work on things now. Every time we talk I seem to ask her if she is ready, she is usually very cold on the phone. Her family is ripping into her too for leaving me, they loved me. She says she can't live at home no more and is always fighting with her mother now, very unlike her. Now she says she getting a place with her friend, her only friend - she not too sociable.

 

What does it all mean? What should be my next step? Should I tell her to leave me alone until she knows what she wants? Was I just comfortable because I had someone there? If we got back together would we fight like we did again? This was my first real relationship, why am I feeling this way now, will I ever feel love like I had for her again? Should I just let go, I'm so obsessed w/what we had. Advice please wise people...

[Fif Angel]

Best thing to do: no contact

 

Don`t phone her, don`t text her, don`t e-mail. Yes I know it`s the hardest thing in the world-you love her, you miss her you want to talk to her to try and make things work but no contact has to be the only solutions. For two reasons.

 

First of all, it sounds like your girlfriend is in two minds about the state of your relationship right now. On one hand, she broke up with you. You accept that you treated her badly and she was probably fairly justified in walking away. One the other hand, she texts you so clearly misses you. She probably misses the caring sweet guy you were in the first seven months and can`t inderstand how you became, as you put it yourself `verbally abusive`. By not contacting her, the onus is on your girlfriend to communicate. This gives her a chance to think about what she really wants-if she wants you back, if she`s willing to give you another chance. She can`t do this if you keep in touch-it`s a bit like that old country western song `How can I miss you if you don`t go away?`

 

No contact will give her (and you) the chance to think about what went wrong and allso work out if you actually miss each another enough to want anoher relationship.

 

Second reason-if you don`t get back together ( and you have to prepare for every eventuality) no contact will give your heart a chance to heal and move on more quickly than you would do if you kept in touch.

 

Incidentally I`d be interested to hear more about this verbal abuse. Having someone you love put you down is utterly soul-shatering and chances are, after a year or so of this, your girlfriend is worn out and utterly lacking in self-esteem. This is something you are really really going to have to work on if she does want you back. Ask yourself why you became like that? Are you insecure yourself? You need to get to the root of the problem and deal with it otherwise if you get back together it will just be the same repeat pattern.

 

Ultimately it has to be your girlfriend`s choice. You treated her badly and it`s going to be a long rocky path to getting back together. You have to prove to her that you`re a changed man. It`s going to be very tough either way.

[Simon80]

About the abuse thing, I was just plain mean at times. I would always want my way and when I didn't get it I would be an animal. If something would go wrong and if I felt she could have did something different to pervent it from going wrong I would rip into her. She would say that I would beat her a*s, verbally all the time. She told me when it was over that she was always afraid what would happen if she clean my clothes or go grocery shopping. She was always scarred that I would pop off for something she did or didn't do. Very distructive behavior. I see this so clearly now. I'm actually surprised she put up with me for that long. I just wish I could have realized what I was doing earlier before the whole relationship was distroyed.

 

In the end too, I would always call her a bi*ch and just be nasty to her. My true problem was I just was depressed and really wasn't happy with her at times. When I 1st got with her I was working out, eating right and just very happy. As things went on I stopped doing all this. The gym was my release for my anger and I didn't have this nomore. I am back lifting and actually have lost 16lbs this past month. So I am feeling better about myself.

 

I can only take things with me from this. Like how to act like an adult and not a spoiled kid. I just wish we could have a new start though so I can show her everything I realize now. Only if its meant to be I may get that chance. I know I have a lot of growing up to do. It's like I waited 23 yrs for someone to come along and I thought I would just be able to make it work and settle down w/them. Truth be told I did not have the tools to do this just yet. I have learned so much and I guess when I do meet the one I will be that much better for her. Tough lesson learned.

[zcloud]

This is one of the worst relationship patterns I know that I need to break before I can ever have a good and lasting (more than a few years) relationship with anyone including my ex. At the beginning everyone is always at their best, and largely living their own life, so happy to make contact with a new love interest. Then as the relationship progresses, people get comfortable, think the other person will always be there and put up with bad behaviour out of love; everybody shows their worst and things start to unravel. What makes it worse is that people often have stopped living their own lives (exercising, activities, friends) and spend too much time together too soon (and then not always quality time) until there is a breaking point. I think if I can maintain my identity next time (if there is a next time) then any new relationship may have a better chance and if it ends I won't have to work so hard to find myself again because I will have been there all along. I noticed today as I was going to work that so much of my life is really the same with or without him. I drive the same car in the same traffic, I go to the same job, I talk to work friends, I have the same computer, same apartment, etc.) So what is so different? My perspective and thinking. Instead of thinking "ooh my boyfriend I can't wait to see him tonight" I think "oh I'm so sad it's over" and I dwell on these thoughts; rather than focussing on my job, friends, what new activity, person or adventure I could explore... Sure weekends are harder, but still there were a million things I wanted to try to get to when I had a relationship and now maybe is the time to start doing them.

-zcloud

[juls28]

you're too yougn to be in a relationship that was only good for the first 7 months or so...then what? the only-alright last 8 monthes?

cut off contact. I recently had to have my phone number changed becasue my ex wouldn't stop calling, even though he didn't know what he wanted.

that kind of indescion is so painful when you love someone.

just take time for yourself. seriously, spoil yourself with a little more attention than usual. go have fun with your frineds and take up some new interests......it sounds so cheesy ,doesn't it? well, it works.....I'm haveing the first good day I've had in a month!

good luck!

[nataliejulie]

I was in your same situation. I was you, my ex was your's.

 

The feeling of taking advantage of something really good in your life is a huge pain to bare, I know it.

 

You are lucky she is still saying those things right now!

 

I didn't do NC. I thought long and hard about it. I mistreated him, I took advantage of him, I fought with him so much and he couldn't TAKE it anymore... so... is it the right thing to do NC? I'm going to ignore him and go on with my life? And all he will think is of all the ignorant crap I put him through?

I did the opposite. I stayed friends with him. I showed him a better side of me, how I can be. Of course, we had many talks on how to change things, what we have to do, open communication.

Almost three months later (now) we're on a road to recovery.

[Simon80]

I don't know if we could recover. It was very bad in the end. She was no angel too. I mean she has real issues from like childhood and stuff. I knew this in the beginning. Her mother has told me too that she has done this before too. She gives herself to someone where nothing else matters, then slowly withdraws herself. I know what I did didn't help either. If she really cared I think she'd want to see me improve and get on the road to recovery.

 

Then her mixed signals. Her emails and text seems like shes coming around, then I talk to her on the phone and she is stone cold. This is why I am done. I sat here in limbo for 4 weeks and no more. I am great but I have my flaws, let me learn from mistakes. I am human. No contact. I'm done. I will just ignore her now, contact isn't working anyway.

[Juha]

Simon work on yourself and then see what happens.....

 

Clear you rmind and things will be better....

 

Nataliejulie,

I also did not treat my ex well because of anxiety...She broke and I tried to be friends and show her I was trying to work on me and show her I am still the same person as before....

 

But she is now dating someone else so I stopped being there for her when she contacted...I really want her to see I am me again but I have been NC for a month now...

 

What do you think should I still try to be around in her life a little and try and show her that how I was for those months is gone???