annie24 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Well, look at it from another perspective: Say that you had a boyfriend, and you caught him cheating on you. So, you break up with him, even though you still have feelings for him. He comes back, saying he wants to try again. You are very cautious, you say that you will try to see how things go, but that you need to re-establish trust first. If he keeps exhibiting negative behavior (ie, flirting with other girls in front of you, having mysterious reasons for not being able to see you on a saturday night), you're just going to say, "forget it!" But, if he's showing you he's changed for the better, you're going to feel more comfortable with him. If your ex is talking about reconciling, but says that you two have to work out the problems in your relationship, I think that is wise. Sometimes, I see couples who break up, and right away, one person wants the other back. My question is, what has changed? Things didn't work the first time, why would they work this time? After 1 week has passed, and neither of you has cleared up your own problems, why would getting back together be successful? Natalie - what things do you think your guy should work on? Do you agree you need to be a bit more patient? Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Maybe it's just because of my experience, so take what I say as you wish - as my personal experience probably can cloud the reality of yours. All those things he said above, I don't know, but I think you will read into them how you choose to or what you hope for. There's no doubt how I feel about you - I'm not fully comfortable with us just yet - I don't want you to be with other people. - You are not my security blanket, you aren't my second choice, you aren't just there because of the company. Don't worry about it. - I have so much going on (which he really does) I don't want to deal with you questioning me. - I still want my freedom right now. And it's not to see anyone else. I just want to be able to do what I want without fighting or anyone to answer to. - I'm not fully able to committ totally to you right now because I'm not totally comfortable with you yet. There's something still wrong in our relationship that I'm not over yet. I see that they can be read into with hope. In fact, reading this I think even HE reads into it with hope. I had an ex tell me almost exactly the same things your ex told you above...exactly. And I saw it as hopeful...I mean he said himself it's not that he does NOT want me! And I hung on to that, to all he said above. I would tell myself things like "Oh, it's not ME, it's just the "timing" " and so forth. Then one day...I woke up. I realized that WOW, this is NOT what I want in a partner and a relationship. That someone whom is not COMFORTABLE with me and wants their "freedom" away from me and does not see me as a PARTNER in their life (including chasing their dreams, communicating with one another...) and sees me as "someone they need to answer too and be responsible too" is NOT someone I want to be with...that's not MY view of a relationship, and not what was REALLY there either. He saw it that way I eventually realized because I was NOT the one for him! Of course he did not want me to move on to be with others either, I mean, even when someone breaks up with you they still will feel some jealousy usually or entitlement, but I was mistaking that for him wanting to be with me. He did not do it on purpose - give me hope I mean. I truly believe that. I truly believe even HE did not really know what he wanted, even he truly did not realize that all those indicated I was simply not the person for him. But eventually we BOTH realized that, and moved on, and I found someone whom wants me 100% for who I am, as a partner in his life, even when there are many things going on in his life. I do hope the best for you, I really do. But from my own experiences, sometimes we read or see things, even THEY see things, in a way that is not the reality because we have that hope. Just don't sit and wait forever for him to sort himself out, you are young, smart, beautiful and have so much to offer to someone whom wants it all from you, and wants to give you his all. I am just saying..sure patience is good, but don't mistake patience for sacrificing your own needs, wants in order to cling on to that hope. Don't apologize for being a human who DOES have needs and wants. Link to comment
sibling295 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 so nataliejuice whats the latest? I am following your stuff cause i am doing the same thing. What you wrote on road block just happened to me. Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 so nataliejuice whats the latest? I am following your stuff cause i am doing the same thing. What you wrote on road block just happened to me. Alright, well. I decided that it might be a good idea to give him more space right now. I think I want to lay off a little bit. I'm not going to be mean, or ignore him or whatever the case may be. I'm just not going to beckon at his calls, make him feel like I'm there for him at any moment he needs, that I have other things going on in my life than him. I know him very well and any man for that matter. He likes to chase. I'm going to allow myself to be chased because I know very well that I've been the chaser for almost a month now. We were on the phone earlier. Good conversation, but I told him I had to go because I had another call I needed to take. He WAS taken back that I said that (he's usually the one to get off the phone with me), I heard him mumble something about it being another guy, but I pretended I didn't hear and said, What was that? He said oh nothing, I'll talk to you later? I continued with OKAY! bye! And hung up. Little silly, but it's a start. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 That's good. He should never feel like he has you wrapped around his finger. Getting off the phone to answer another call was a good start! Keep up the good work!!!! Link to comment
sibling295 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 i just realized its julie not juice! Sorry! I just hung up with my ex- things are horrible again. I freaked out and started cryin. He said we just took a hundred steps forward now i feel like a thousand backward. Its my fault i freaked out about if we were working on being a couple again. He said I love you and this has been the hardest thing i have ever done ,but i caant handle the pressure of knowing you deserve so much more. He told me i could date other guys he would deal with it, but he doesnt want to date anyone right now at all. Then i calmed down we made a joke. he said lets see each other on Sunday. i said okay , i know he loves me still , he said i miss you allot , we had a great relationship but its toomuch for me , i want to travel and not feel bad . When i was cryin he said stop making me feel guilty. Geez even as i write this i feel like a sham. I could go on without him. why cant i get out of this rut. Why do i torture myself??? Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 How long have you been working on things?? John told me he doesn't want to date anyone at all, also. However, he's dating me. He'll let me know if I'm starting to lay out on the pressure. If it's too much for you, you have to give yourself some sanity! Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 8, 2005 Author Share Posted October 8, 2005 GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm still being so paranoid about what he's up to, who he's with, who's he talking to, what he's doing. He's techincally still single so this bothers the hell out of me! These nightmares are back of him with other women. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I've had those nightmares, and I really really hate them. You wake up feeling all icky and upset. Do you feel better this morning? Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 Do you feel better this morning? No!! I called him once yesterday, left a voicemail. Called him this morning, because I was asking a bunch of people for a favor.. left a voicemail. Last time I talked to him was Friday night and he said he was driving in the pouring rain and couldn't see because his windshield wipers were broken. I left him a text saying, Are you okay/!?!?!? I havent heard back from you! Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Honestly, chances are that he's ok. More likely, he just hasn't gotten around to calling you. If he doesn't contact you within a week, find out again, but really, I think he's fine. Don't smother him with calls! You're not his mother! Link to comment
frecklegirl Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Nataliejulie, I am new to posting and accidentally posted my 'stuff" on exbf/gf site...ahhh, wanted to be with all of you! Reading your post is so familiar to me. I too 'ruined" a realtionship because of drinking, anger, lies.....truly though us 'co-dependants" don't see that the people we are involved with are feeding us exactly what we want/don't want to thrive on! My BF said I frustrate the F*** out of him! He has no job, car, $$, but has successfully met someone in another state (mine) that will allow him to live with her....this kills me! I love him, but am resentful. I think love should be about trust. I want my ex to trust me again also, but I should am trying, to love MYSELF more in order to see....I deserve more.....good luck Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 10, 2005 Author Share Posted October 10, 2005 Nataliejulie, I am new to posting and accidentally posted my 'stuff" on exbf/gf site...ahhh, wanted to be with all of you! Reading your post is so familiar to me. I too 'ruined" a realtionship because of drinking, anger, lies.....truly though us 'co-dependants" don't see that the people we are involved with are feeding us exactly what we want/don't want to thrive on! My BF said I frustrate the F*** out of him! He has no job, car, $$, but has successfully met someone in another state (mine) that will allow him to live with her....this kills me! I love him, but am resentful. I think love should be about trust. I want my ex to trust me again also, but I should am trying, to love MYSELF more in order to see....I deserve more.....good luck I didn't so much ruin it by lies, drinking, so forth. I was too controlling. My expectations were way too high. I fell in love with a care-free, out going, free spirited man and for some reason, I snapped and tried to turn him into a well trained puppy dog. He wouldn't have it, which is why we fought almost every day for weeks on end. He's just scared to death that I will do that again..... He has to come back to that comfort level with the girl he fell in love with... the free spirited, care-free, laid back girl he first met. Link to comment
frecklegirl Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 nataliejulie, you sound like a kind woman and he will/should be proud to have and be with you! Be strong with who you are. nt Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 10, 2005 Author Share Posted October 10, 2005 Okay so I'm a big turd. I went out with friends tonight, had a great time. Of course, all day I was like, EHH AHH WHY ISNT HE CALLING ME? WAH WAH WAH! IS HE DEAD? DOES HE HATE ME? (be aware that I only called him twice in three days.. and Annie you are right, I felt a little bit like a mom so I cooled off) So, I had fun. I just let it go and said, whatever.. he's fine. If he wants to call me, he'll call me. It's not the end of the world. Well low and behold, I had three missed calls (all minutes apart) and one voicemail from him (and hes not much of a voicemail man) telling me how he stayed at his parents for the weekend and he left his charger at his apartment.. and his cell was dead all weekend... kept saying sorry and asked me to call back. He works two jobs and has crazy shifts anyway. I didn't call back. No rush, right? It's late, I was with my friends. I feel good about it. This marked a new territory for me. A few months ago, I would have called back, ditched the friends and went to hang out with him. Now I was just, calm. Sounds really CORNY But I was washing my sheets and the smell of him was on my pillow cases.. cheesy. Anyway, it's like... being away from home for twenty years and stepping, welcomed right back into the front door twenty years later. Like my mom's apple pie. So I'm hoping I get to see him tomorrow or Tuesday! Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 10, 2005 Author Share Posted October 10, 2005 nataliejulie, you sound like a kind woman and he will/should be proud to have and be with you! Be strong with who you are. nt aw Thank you! I hope he appreciates the changes and what I have to give for the both of us. He has all the rights in the world to not be proud of the... bee eye tee see ach I was months ago. Link to comment
frecklegirl Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 Nope!!!! I don't thing the Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ach thing applys to you! You have your stuff and he has his...you love with your soul, so let it be what is.....ahhhh, sometimes I wish I could take my own advice! Love is so consuming, and if it wasn't we would not be here!! Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 10, 2005 Author Share Posted October 10, 2005 Nope!!!! I don't thing the Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ach thing applys to you! You have your stuff and he has his...you love with your soul, so let it be what is.....ahhhh, sometimes I wish I could take my own advice! Love is so consuming, and if it wasn't we would not be here!! This learning process, the dealing, is just a great learning process for me. Sometimes I feel like the "GETTING BACK TOGETHER" fourm mascott for those in my situation. I'm routing one for the team and I can't let them down! Link to comment
frecklegirl Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 In your situation??? Our situation!! You are not letting anyone down... Let us remember the only one we let down is ourselves, if we feel less than ever in any way...I know I have given up ME to be with HIM! Geez, what a waste of energy....I doubt he knew at all what I felt! That is my issue and I need to realize that......I am glad I have this forum. Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 Okay this is getting better and better ! He has called me five times today. I have called him none. At this point, I have put my expectations behind me. It's not like he called for favors or anything. Just to talk to me... which made me feel very.. I don't even know the word ? He called me after his class tonight, pretty late. Talked for about ten minutes. He was telling me how he told an old friend of his he'd try to hang out on Tuesday but he really wanted to hang out with me, kept stressing how much he wanted to see me, etc. I said, listen don't worry about! I told him I had to go (i was spending quality time with my parents and they mean more to me than any man in my life!) he kept asking me over and over if I was mad -- I truly wasn't. I feel stronger now... not so much of me doing the chasing! Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 YAY! \ Feels great doesn't it!? I'm so happy to hear about your situation! I've been keeping up since you've posted about it. It's refreshing to hear that things are working out for some of us. However.. I might be in a liiiiiiiiiiiitttttleeeee trouble.............. I'm on this website called Myspace (like Friendster, etc.). I have a picture up, which I thought was hilarious because I'm in little boys underwear and my bra, standing next to the fridge drinking a carton of milk. Not only do I have that picture up, I have a few friends that are male, leaving me a lot of comments to hang out with them and such. I'm not dating any of them!!! So, my ex saw this apparently last night and wasn't very happy. He left a comment saying "There's better ways to get attention than being half naked on the internet." eek. I'll be calling later this morning...... Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 He wasn't mad at me or anything. I called him and told him I thought it was a funny picture... and he's like, NO its NOT funny. I asked him if he was hanging out with his friend tonight, or me. He said he was going to give him a call, I don't know... Then he jumped and said, don't think you are second choice! Don't be mad! I really would love to see you! A few hours pass, he calls again. This is giving me butterflies in my stomach that he's initiating things with me now. He sounded excited for some reason, and blabbed on about how he has off from school tomorrow night and he wants to see me. He goes on to say that since he has off from school and work, we can spend more time together because we both have off.. and he doesn't have class till 2 pm on Thursday, so we can wake up early and do something fun. This is just so weird to me. ITS GOOD.. but it's just a total turn-a-round from last week. Last week it was like, "Oh, well give me a call __(insert day of week here)__ and we'll talk about plans"... and I wonder why the sudden change? Link to comment
Yowser_76 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi Nataliejulie. Men sure are confusing aren't they? It looks pretty positive so far...I'm glad things seem to be working out for you. From everything I've seen here you're a sweet, kind person and he'd be lucky to have you. The fact that you learnt from your mistakes and have worked so hard to change and make things better is a credit to you. Good luck to you both and make sure you keep us posted. Link to comment
OCD Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Congrats, NotMyself...it is great to hear there is some success out there. I can only hope mine works as well. My ex has been contacting me as well and we spoke briefly last Wed. It was great to hear from her. I let the phone ring 6 different times within 7 weeks before I finally decided to answer. Like you say I don't want to push the issue. It does feel like I shouldn't call her, I don't want to get hurt all over again so I wait for another call to come and go. I've thought about sending an email telling her that the door is open, but that would be breaking my no contact. It's very hard, but I'm getting stronger because of it. I just hope my ex starts to miss my like your ex misses you. That's fantastic. Wish me luck guys...and Yowser ladies can be pretty confusing as well. I suppose that's why I'm on this forum Thanks guys and keep us posted Link to comment
nataliejulie Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi Nataliejulie. Men sure are confusing aren't they? It looks pretty positive so far...I'm glad things seem to be working out for you. From everything I've seen here you're a sweet, kind person and he'd be lucky to have you. The fact that you learnt from your mistakes and have worked so hard to change and make things better is a credit to you. Good luck to you both and make sure you keep us posted. I think everyone is confusing... but if you think about it.. it all comes down to .. we all want to be loved. Thank you so much for the kind words! Link to comment
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