Do I respond to his emails, be friends, or burn the bridge?

[cruisin]

I know this kind of post comes up all the time but please give me some feedback. I'm feeling like a shmuck yet at the same time wondering if I'm not losing out on something by shutting doors.

 

My b/f dumped me a couple weeks ago and I found out he'd been seeing someone else for months while continuing to see me as well. He says he couldn't tell me, couldn't break it off because I wanted to stay in the relationship too much. That isn't true. But he always seemed to do my thinking without asking me first. I realized how timid he was and probably this had me wanting to make him stronger, bolder, as I have learned to be. But sometimes I'm not sure, is it timidity or is it mere "using" of me. This had happened once before (his sleeping around) and I said, "fine" but he came crawling back and I took him back, only to have him go back with the new girl and eventually leave town to be with her.

 

Apparently he doesn't see this as being bad at all. He thinks he had no choice but to do it this way. Now, I admit, I was actually hoping at some point he would find someone who would take care of him because I just couldn't play caretaker to him all the time like he wanted. Everything was about him, his life, his plans. I didn't fit in anywhere. Still, I stayed in it thinking (laugh, laugh) he would change and become more independent when he found himself. He was trying to (or so he told me) change his life. He was studying and planning on going back to school. I wanted to encourage him, always be the one to encourage and inspire. He was going through a major upheaval and I assumed the problems and stress were part of it. I still think they are but he couldn't handle it and he seemed not to be able to handle me not being there for him all the time. He wasn't there for me so if I were there for him, where would I have gotten my strength from? It seemed all very one-sided and I know it showed. So, anyhow, he took off saying he respects me and wants to be friends but we were just too incompatible. OK, fair enough. I didn't think so but it takes two to make a partnership.

 

Now, I could have dealt with that if it weren't for this other woman and the fact that there was major overlap and right up to the end. The deception disgusts me. Now, I don't have major problems with someone having an affair as long as they're upfront about it. I think we all can slip up. But this deception is what gets me. Then again, are people ever upfront about affairs?

 

I left him saying, OK, we could be friends but I got thinking later and my anger started churning around because of the feeling of being deceived.

 

Now, I'm getting emails from him, just short chit-chatty things that are actually pretty boring and no word on what's going on with his new love and him of course. It feels like a charade. I haven't written back but I feel I have to respond.

 

Now, my question is, do I put my pride aside and respond to his chit-chat with the same chit-chat on my part or do I tell him to stop contacting me because the way he ended things disgusts me. But I have to admit that we would not have worked out. I say it was because he wasn't committed to things but then again, maybe I was just too much for him to deal with. Maybe I made him feel inadequate though I can't understand why. I never ever put him down and I always encouraged him. Maybe, though, that very thing is what made him feel inadequate. He said he couldn't teach me anything, which is so wrong, but again, I can't help him if he doesn't get over what seem to be some severe self-esteem problems.

 

Anyhow, we always talked and talked and talked and he gave me some good advice at times. It may have been the wrong thing to have tried to take it into a serious relationship but he was going through a divorce and on the rebound and he professed his love and on it went. Then again, I wonder if I can be friends with someone I know to be deceptive. But friends, I suppose there are many definitions. Just emailing someone isn't much but I like to be very honest and would feel this were a one-sided thing. I'm trying to think about myself for a change but right now I don't know where I am really. If I write back chit-chat like I feel so false because I don't feel light-hearted about the end of this thing. I'm still quite depressed about it. If I write back angry and shut him out I burn my bridges.

 

Do you all suggest I just respond chit-chatty casual-like and forget the past as far as trying to tell him how much I hurt from what he did and just try to maintain the distance I probably should have always maintained with him but I didn't know the extent of his problems in the beginning. Or do I even try to be friends. He's an alcoholic and I didn't know that until about a year ago. I knew he drank but I didn't know really what alcoholism was about. He has other issues too and I guess five years ago when we first met I had a strong co-dependency streak myself that I really think I'm getting over. I didn't have any experience with alcoholics or drug users. My problems I think arose from being in an overly strict family and then having to watch my mother die of cancer.

 

I don't think I'm overly compassionate though (except when it comes to starving cats, earthworms drying on the sidewalk and bugs flailing in the water -- all of which I feel compelled to rescue!) Oh God, I think I AM doomed after all!

 

So, what do I do, do I just respond to this guy casually, or not so casually but strictly as a friend or tell him to F off? Now, at least I do now know what I'm dealing with and I can take it from there or do I stick with my anger and feelings of having been deceived? Those feelings don't feel very good but whenever I get an email from him now I find it distracts me from my work and I sometimes start crying. Is that because it's still raw for me or is it because I'm not taking this situation in hand, one way or the other? I hate ambivalence.

 

Sorry this got so long. I look forward to all your advice!

[kdreger]

Now I'm not saying I'm a cruel person but I'd torment him. Have fun at his expense. Don't consider it being mean, just getting even. I'm serious Instead of wasting time doing some chit-chat email that really means nothing, email him how you're dating someone new now. Furthermore, that thing you wouldn't do in the bedroom, we've done it twice! Rave about this new person being incredible especially in things that your ex was insecure about. Have some fun with your ex. I mean really, based on what you've said, he has it coming.

 

If you follow this advice, please post your email

[S4il]

This Is A Very Powerful Post. I Read Everything Very Well And Have A Good Understanding Of What Your Feeling, Friends I Presume You Are Now....but Your Just Trying To Figure Out If You Want To Stay Friends. Cause Of Him Cheating On You. I Would Initially Say Hell No! But With Your Compassionate Side Showing Strongly, You Present A Universal Love For Him No Matter What, A Relationship Which Ended With You Feeling Deceived. A Negative Feeling. Sort Of An Empty Hole In The Bottom Of Your Heart, And Your Not Sure How Too Patch It, Or If You Should Attempt To. Re-construction Of The Friendship I Would Say Will Take Time, Or Other Words Your "trust" In Him, Is What You Need To Re-build. After Such Negative Events, Your Mothers Passing, And Him Breaking Off The Relationship By Cheating Must Have Felt Like The End Of The World, But Your Still Showing Your Strong Determined Mind Along With Your Compassionate Side. And I Envy You For That. Most Women I Guess Would Say Let The Jerk Go, Don't Talk To Him. Not Even As Friends. Well Point Taken. But Coming From A Guy's Stand Point. It Almost Seems Like He's Just Trying To Keep You As A Life Line..in Case Things Go Bad In The Relationship He's In Now.? Just A Thought That Crossed My Mind When You Said He Is E-mailing You. Why E-mail, Is It To Keep It Discreet From His G/f Now...? That Question Comes Up. Does He Want You On The Side. As Friends For Now. Then Something More Serious Later On. Would You Take Him Back..? Have To Ask Yourself That Question As Well...what Your Feeling Is That If You Chit Chat Back And Forth Hes Going To Get The Impression That Everything Is Gravy...no Hard Feelings. But You Want Him To Know How You Feel At The Same Time., Without Hurting His Feelings. I Can't Really Give You A Straight Answer. One That Would Change Your Mind. But Just Think About The Out Come Of What Ever You Do. You Already Haven't Answered A E-mail I believe You Said. So Hes most likely Thinking "oh F**k She Hates My Guts Cause Of What I Did" he Feels Responsible For That. (A Good Thing I Guess) He Needs To Know How You Feel. Instead Of You Making All The Emotional Flips, Let Him Wonder About You, If He Keeps E-mailing Then E-mail Back Telling Him Your Feelings. Don't Hold Them Inside To Eat You Up.

 

p.s. Hope this helps keep me posted -sail

[bryan]

wow did you really capitalize each word LOL??!!!

[Heretic]

but ...... "trust" .... in .... what ..... no .... most likely ... oh .... he

 

p.s. .... this helps keep me posted -sail

 

Almost every one, not bad.

[Heretic]

Seriously though, Sail has some very good advice in there that a lot of people should read.

 

I think what's important to understand is that in every relationship you come first. Sure you have to make sacrifices and comprimises, but if they are hurting you it's not a healthly relationship. In such cases you should be more firm and stand next to whatever you believe in. If it's important to you IT DOES MATTER. If your partner can't respect that you've got problems.

 

In this case you've been too leanient and have been pushing along someone who is hurtful. I think you should do what makes you feel best. Don't worry what's proper, or what the late Ann Lander's would do. It doesn't matter. Do what's right for you.

 

Hope this helps.

[cruisin]

Thanks people for your replies. kdreger, you had me laughing. Well, now you may say you're not a cruel person but I would!! Just kidding. Sometimes you need that kind of stuff, the scenarios of getting even. I mean, although I often sound like one I am no martyr. The thing is, knowing I'm very capable of doing those things means I never actually do. The problem I think with getting even is it also kind of evens you out, which means you stoop to their levels. You know, it's the "I don't want to lower my standards to meet yours" kind of way of looking at it. I don't think I'll follow your advice though I loved it, kdreger, but I could write you up a great, loved-to-have-sent-but-didn't email! I could have fun with that!

 

But seriously, folks, S4il, I think you do understand what I'm feeling. And by the way, I found those caps very impressive. Yeah, the hole is there and I don't really know what it's about. Probably just habit but I don't like to shut people off. I like to remain open so that I can learn because how else can we learn if not from interacting with our world and everything in it. It can be dangerous and I'm hoping I have the clarity to recognize the danger in associating with certain types and the danger in associating to different degrees with different people.

 

I don't really understand this guy's motives. Yes, of course I thought of him just wanting to use me as a life-line, which is OK in itself. I have always said that the most valuable thing you can possess are good friends. There is nothing more important. And I don't want to be a hypocrite and say I can't be a friend because he left me. That's where the disappointment of his cheating comes in though and I'm struggling with my own not wanting to be hypocritical and where do I draw the line. I guess it is drawn in degree of distance. Also, he could simply be lonely, or think he wants to keep his options open. But I think I can honestly say that he burnt his bridge as far as anything more "serious" goes unless I saw him totally changed already. I think being with him helped me to realize that I'm throwing myself away and though I never like to think anyone is better or worse than another, there are good matches and there are bad. So, it's like if I liked a married guy I would now instead of having an affair with him be able to say, "call me when the divorce is final" not the other way around. The only question I do have here is, would I be keeping him from committing fully to a new relationship by being there for him? Ah, heck, I'm not going to be his second-fiddle or anything. And if his new girl isn't up to her guy having female friends then that's her problem, not mine.

 

As for the email as opposed to the phone I don't think it's because of the new chick. I think it's because it's long-distance and not his phone. (He's staying at a friend's until he gets his own place, I assume with the new g/f). I suppose he would keep things secret from her. I don't think many women would give a guy as much rope as I do, but then, you know what they say about long ropes, right?

 

It's very good advice about thinking of the outcome though. And I want to try to think of myself. This has been my failing all along I think, not thinking about myself enough. But then again, if I had thought about myself maybe I wouldn't have gained so much insight into life as I have now. Of course, the way I did it was painful and I hope I haven't messed myself up too much in the process. You know I knew a Japanese woman here who lived in Manchuria and when they had to flee, they walked out of the country, through all of Korea to the south and boats that would take them to Japan. She walked the whole way with an infant strapped to her back and people were dying all around her, dropping like flies. But she was made of tough stuff and she's the tiniest little thing you ever did see. Well, I asked her how that experience had changed her and she said, "You know, nothing, nothing at all was difficult after that." The danger is that you lose sight of what's good for you and allow yourself to get in a very unhealthy relationship and put up with it. I used to do that but I think I don't know to the same extent and that is probably part of the reason he left.

 

Well, thanks for your compliments about my strong determined mind and compassion, S4il. These traits have also been referred to as "square-headedness, stubbornness, obstinacy," the compassion more often than not as "foolishness or naivety" but I have always tried to strike a balance with both sides having equal say. I don't know. When I was younger I was different but now I have a lot more accomplishments behind me and I'm more aware of my strength as it is today. What is strength, really? I suppose you could say it was determination with heart. And when you're young there's a lot of ignorance and naivety about the world. So may people it seems get embittered. But I've never wanted to be like that, with, like you mentioned, venomous feelings eating away at me inside. I always wanted to keep the faith so to speak, not in a religious way but in a much bigger, I don't know, spiritual way I suppose.

 

OK, I'm getting carried away here. It alls seems pretty silly to be talking this way when I know that I can be hurt watching the evening news and cry at television commercials. But then, I think that's necessary too if we don't want to live in armor. We just need to have better moves that keep us from getting hurt by certain people, right?

 

No, I didn't return his email yet and though he had called a couple times early on and I talked once it was just chit-chat and no feelings expressed. But like you've said, they've got to be expressed.

 

Yeah, the everything-is-fine attitude really annoyed me. I had composed emails with no feelings and some with nothing but anger but didn't send any. I think what I really need is to find some sort of decisiveness inside that allows me to say, this is acceptable, this is not. You know, I just thought about it, but that everything-is-fine atttitude was something that pervaded my entire childhood. Everything was NOT fine but we all put up a good front. Maybe now I'm finally, finally learning to say, "everything is NOT fine and if you want to have a meaningful relationship, any kind of relationship, then things have to be discussed." Yeah!

 

I composed an email but didn't send it yet as I wanted to hear your responses and I also wanted to sit on it first. Basically, it's newsy like we always talked but I've also put stuff in there calling him on things, saying, look, you want to be friends, learn to be one. I don't know, it'd be hard to say what constitutes a friend by email by I don't think it can hurt too much. It's up to me to set the boundaries, right?

 

Well, thank you for your help. It really helps to talk to people on this board and I appreciate your advice and concern so much! It's gold.