She's 21 and has slept with more than 25 people!watsay?

[here2understand2]

ohkay, here;s the story, I met this girl about 20 odd days ago and we hit it off right away, she;s nice but i dont think am at the point where i want her for a gf yet, she told me that she'd started dating when she was 15 and has slept with 25+ guys, she told me she's clean and has no health problems, but this has always played on my mind, so I've slept with her only twice..I think she's someone who's had a lotta emotional and a bit physical abuse in life, she was into drugs due to her abusive ex-fiancee but she's clean now, i like her as a friend but not sure if I want her as a gf, her sleepin with all the guys does not affect my decision too much but yeah i do think about it once a while, I like her honesty about how her life's been and her capability to be strong in those horrible situations and want to be there as a friend no matter what happens.

 

Last night she told me she had feelings for me and I've kinda guessed it over the past 3 weeks and she tells me that I am the nicest thing that happened to her, I really dont want to hurt her and want to be nice to her but I am not sure if I see her in my life as a girlfriend. Has anyone faced a situation like this or would like to say something? I would appreciate any comment that provides insight or help.

[Aueft]

I think you're making some inferences that may prove to be wrong or perhaps not as severe as you may think they are. However, if you do think she may have some things that may cause her to be unstable, and if you're the "nicest thing that's ever happened to her", I would, from experience, suggest avoiding the entire situation, at least romantically. I'd be her friend though, and help her out. About her sleeping with so many guys, that's just another obstacle that strengthens my opinion on this situation.

[spiderman_56]

Judge her by what she is now and her actions.

Don't let her past infactuate into harsh judgments that will cloud your view

[Miss M]

I have a type of question, but it also may seem like a criticism or judgment, but you asked for any comments so I'm giving it. Just take it as something else to ponder as you contemplate all of this.

 

Something ironic jumped out at me and I wondered if you've considered it. At least part of your concern about making her your gf seems to stem from the fact that she's slept with 25+ guys. (You said it's not a factor, but there it is in your post as if it's significant in some ways.) But you've also had casual sex with her too? So how do you rationalize that she might not be "worthy" as a gf because she's slept around, but you also slept casually with that same girl? Isn't that some kind of double standard?

[heloladies21]

If you truly enjoy being with someone, things like this don't matter. I think you're just using it as an excuse to not get close to her.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I have a type of question, but it also may seem like a criticism or judgment, but you asked for any comments so I'm giving it. Just take it as something else to ponder as you contemplate all of this.

 

Something ironic jumped out at me and I wondered if you've considered it. At least part of your concern about making her your gf seems to stem from the fact that she's slept with 25+ guys. (You said it's not a factor, but there it is in your post as if it's significant in some ways.) But you've also had casual sex with her too? So how do you rationalize that she might not be "worthy" as a gf because she's slept around, but you also slept casually with that same girl? Isn't that some kind of double standard?

 

Yes.

[darkblue]

I have a type of question, but it also may seem like a criticism or judgment, but you asked for any comments so I'm giving it. Just take it as something else to ponder as you contemplate all of this.

 

Something ironic jumped out at me and I wondered if you've considered it. At least part of your concern about making her your gf seems to stem from the fact that she's slept with 25+ guys. (You said it's not a factor, but there it is in your post as if it's significant in some ways.) But you've also had casual sex with her too? So how do you rationalize that she might not be "worthy" as a gf because she's slept around, but you also slept casually with that same girl? Isn't that some kind of double standard?

 

Yes.

 

I third that.

[shyanne]

that young and slept with that many guys........... get out now!!! she has a problem. you like her, help her as a friend only...

[darkblue]

Anyone else concerned about the risks of STDs?

[Iceman26]

I second that.

 

Did you ask her about her past? Or did she just come out and tell you?

 

Personally, I dont see a point to her telling you how many people she has slept with. What good comes from that? All that you really garner from that is she either has really low self esteem, or simply likes to play "warming the weasel". She could always lie about how many people she has slept with anyways.

 

What you should be concerned with is that she gets her a** tested for STD's, and protect yourself. Good luck.

[Miss M]

Ah well, it could just be that I'm stuck on this "double standard" thing, but I'm looking at this differently too.

What you should be concerned with is that she gets her a** tested for STD's, and protect yourself. Good luck.

Ok, consider this....

If he knew ahead of time that she slept with so many guys, and if he then had unprotected sex, (he didn't say if he did or didn't), then she isn't the only one who needs to be tested, right?

 

...and protect yourself.

Also, that "protection" thing goes both ways, for her sake as well as his. IOW if he really cares about her, he would also be thinking that SHE needs to protect herself from HIM. Afterall, STDs travel in BOTH directions, right?

[Shadows Light]

Sounds like a bit of double standard to me. The 25+ guys in her life as a turn off. hmmm I'll have to remember that one and use it as a "shield" when be approached by someone not worthy of my time. LOL. Why??? Sounds as if they'll run very very quickly.

 

But if she told you... she had 25+... why would you sleep with her...and then deem her to be UNWORTHY??? did u want to be number 26???

 

STD's??? I think if I had a man tell me he's had 25+ partners... I'd be asking for pedigree papers up front. Things would be boarded up like fort knox before he got near me.

 

BUT... If he's got his walking papers...and he seems to fit most of the criteria I find appealing in a man... then, I don't know that I'd judge him on yesterdays mistakes.

[here2understand2]

thanks for the replies, its not only the fact that she's slept with 25+ guys that has been bothering me, maybe I should've mentioned whatever I am going to in my first post. Anyways, she's an insomniac, has had panic attacks once in a while (infact she was in a hospital 4-5 days ago for half a day because she had one again), she hardly sleeps soundly and she is jumpin on me to have sex all the time (she tells me she has a hormonal imbalance).

 

I've seen her taking pills for loadsa stuff, her purse is full of pills (not that I was rude enough to look in it, she showed me). Maybe it has got to do with her hormones or something, but she gets a bit clingy/pushy asking me to feel the same way as she does about me. I've tried to open up, accept her for what she is and have tried not to let anything come in my way of feeling something for her, but the truth is I dont. I like her more as a friend than a gf and want to help her out during her troubled times, but I dont want to make that a basis for a relationship.

 

Last night, I finally voiced my concerns and it pained me to hurt her, coz I could see the hurt on her face, in her voice but I was trying to be honest to my feelings and her. I was concerned about the hurt this would've caused both of us if I would've kept this going with all the doubts in my head.

 

About sleeping with her, the two times we did get intimate, it was more of her doing, I wanted to take it slow and not get intimate till I decided on things in my mind. She had been trying to sleep with me from the first 2-3 days and I kept avoiding it coz I wanted to get to know her and not rush into things. The 'act' was ohkay but nothing special.

 

I hope I've given a better insight to you guys about the situation. I guess from last night, we're kinda broken up and I've told her that I'd want her as a friend. I took the decisions even before reading all of your replies. So let me know what you make of the situation. thanks again.

[here2understand2]

about sex, I made sure that I had protected sex with her, 2 times that we had intercourse. I really didnt judge her on the basis of her sexual past, I realize many people make mistakes and for the past 20 days she's resisted/rejected many guys who wanted to get her in bed (i know of 3)..so trust is not the issue, i know she's be a good gf but the problem is I dont feel anything for her as of now and dont want to be in a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons coz hurting people or hurting myself is not my goal.

[Day_Walker]

Well I think you need to make a decision, its plain and simple either have her as a gf or a friend. You need to make the decision, so make it.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm glad to hear you've told her you don't want to be her boyfriend, because that's exactly what I was going to advise. You made the right decision.

 

This girl has a lot of issues. The moment you mentioned how many guys she'd been with, I immediately knew she must have emotional problems. I wasn't at all surprised to hear you say she has insomnia. Girls like her have low self esteem and try to make themselves feel better and get people to like them (namely guys) by having sex with them. You said she was the sexual aggressor, and I again wasn't surprised. How else do you think she ended up sleeping with 25 guys?

 

Here's a statistic I mention everytime we talk about having sex with a lot of people. In the United States, one out of 4 adults have herpes. Of those infected, 50% don't know they have it. For every 4 different people you have sex with, you've statistically been exposed to herpes. This girl has statistically been exposed half a dozen times to herpes. She told you she's clean? In what context? It wouldn't surprise me if she said "Don't worry, I've been tested and I'm clean. I'm on birth control, you don't need that condom" just as she was helping you take your clothes off and stroking your crotch. Most people who are responsible enough to get tested for STDs probably wouldn't be having sex with that many people at her age. Condoms are not a guarantee to prevent contracting herpes.

 

I highly suggest you get yourself tested for STDs immediately.

 

She told you you were the best thing that ever happened to her. At the moment she said it, I bet she meant it. She's probably told the same thing to most of the other guys she's had sex with, and I bet she told them the same thing and meant it too. Now that she's feeling kind of low after being rejected by you, she'll need someone else to make her feel better. If you remain friends with her, don't be surprised to find out she's having sex with a new boyfriend very, very soon.

 

I feel sorry for the girl and she really needs counseling, but she's really damaged goods. Even without the high number of sexual partners, the emotional problems alone are more than enough reason to steer clear of her.

[Miss M]

Here2understand2, I'm not really clear about whether having her as a friend (not gf) includes sex. I guess that's something to think about/decide. Since you've decided it's just for friendship, does that mean no more sex? I'm wondering if you're both clear about what the friendship would entail. And I think having sex while you were still undecided just confuses things.

 

Also, I made no assumption about whether you had unprotected sex because you didn't say one way or the other, but I was responding to someone else. In any case, good for you for using protection. Be safe.

 

I really didnt judge her on the basis of her sexual past, I realize many people make mistakes

Even though you say this, your thread title did specificially mention the number of guys. And also you mentioned it in your original post a couple of times. If it's really not a factor, then why lead off with that? From the additional info you've now added, it seems she has tons of other problems that might make a guy pause before getting into a relationship with her. Those seem just as significantly important to regard in her suitability in a relationship. So although you say the number of guys doesn't matter, I guess I'm still skeptical based on your posts. And I'm not trying to criticize, but I'm just tossing out some questions I think you should think about while you sort this out.

 

... but the problem is I dont feel anything for her as of now and dont want to be in a relationship with a person for the wrong reasons coz hurting people or hurting myself is not my goal.

This seems wise. I agree that you shouldn't get into a relationship because you feel obligated or because she seems needy. If you really don't feel those "relationship" feelings for her, then not wanting to hurt her and yourself are also good reasons for not getting involved. But I still think the sex confuses the issue.

 

Also, whether friend or gf, her problems are a lot for a person to take on. Although it's admirable and noble for you to want to help her, you still should weigh how much of a friend you're able to be to someone with so many problems. And no matter what else, you still have to also look after yourself as well.

 

Last night, I finally voiced my concerns and it pained me to hurt her, coz I could see the hurt on her face, in her voice but I was trying to be honest to my feelings and her. I was concerned about the hurt this would've caused both of us if I would've kept this going with all the doubts in my head.

Sometimes being very honest is difficult, and takes courage, especially when you know your honesty will hurt another person. And I'm sure some(most?) of those guys she's been with have been unlike you and cared nothing about whether she was hurt or not. So I'm glad to know her pain matters to you. But I do think it's best to be brave and to be honest, because anything else will just prolong the inevitable and escalate the eventual pain.

 

About sleeping with her, the two times we did get intimate, it was more of her doing, I wanted to take it slow and not get intimate till I decided on things in my mind. She had been trying to sleep with me from the first 2-3 days and I kept avoiding it coz I wanted to get to know her and not rush into things.

Succumbing to sexual pressure is never a good idea. I tell the girls/women here to not to let a guy talk them into anything sexual when they aren't ready. And I now give the same advice to you. It's not good to let an over-anxious girl/woman talk you into sex before you've thought it through. It's also very likely she confuses sex with affection, or love. Abstaining is for her sake as well as yours, and that's also something to think about if you genuinely care for her.

 

The 'act' was ohkay but nothing special.

Ok. I'm not quite sure how to intepret that.

But one question that pops up is, if the sex had been "special" would that have changed your decision?

Or maybe you're talking about something else here?

 

Anyway, I hope I've offered something helpful.

[RayKay]

Well said some_guy. I agree completely with all that was said in your post.

 

I do think there is a double standard operating in that you still chose to sleep with her knowing all this, but it is also VERY clear she does have emotional issues - not only are the drugs/pills evident of that, but so is her need to almost use sex as a way to be loved. I would go as far to say she does not really enjoy sex very much, to her it's how she equates receiving love and attention.

 

One of my ex's past ex's was VERY similar to this girl. A very high "#" at 21 years old. And it turned out even while she was dating people, her number would increase by more than the 1 (being person she was dating). To her, sex was almost a bargaining tool of sorts. She eventually cheated on him. She never saw sex or intimacy as very serious...yet she would get involved with people who did. Last I heard she was engaged, but sleeping around on her fiance anyway with the idea that once they were married she would stop, and that if she did not find anyone better they were meant to be...

 

I am not saying she WOULD do this, but I am saying her high number at her age, and feeling the need to tell you of that #, the pills, and so on all hint at serious issues that go deeper then first appearance. You are right to not get overly involved at this stage.

 

I would still recommend testing yourself - because condoms do not prevent many STI's which can be transferred by skin to skin contact (herpes/HPV included) however, and to stop sleeping with her.

[Iceman26]

Just to clarify, my advice was aimed towards him, not her, because she is not on here (as far as I know) asking for advice. If it were a female on here asking this same kind of advice, I would say the same thing.

 

However, I do agree that if he is going to engage in sexual congress with her, he would be well advised to be tested on a regular basis as well.

[here2understand2]

thanks Miss M, some_guy, Raykay and everybody else. She told me that she'd got tested for STD's 2 weeks ago and the results came out negative(she was clean) and I trust her on that, dont think that she'd lie about that(am saying that on the basis of what I know about her)

 

Miss M, when I posted the first post, I was a bit concerned about how many pepl she had slept with coz it came as a shock, but that would make not much difference if I would've been romantically inclined towards her, I wouldnt have based my decision on that, what worries me more is the emotional baggage she has and am skeptical if I am personally/professionally ready to handle all that stress (even though she's never made an attempt to make me a part of it, but if you are in a relationship with someone it always ends up being your business). Also being a friend means a platonic, non-sexual relationship to me, I draw a line there between a friend/gf.

 

I agree I might've succumbed to the pressure of having sex, coz she ended up challengin my manhood in one conversation, obviously she puts much more importance to sex than I do in a relationship.I've kinda maintained that it should come only after people have connected emotionally. So usually sex for me is 'special' only if i feel that connection otherwise it remains an act. I came to know about the number of guys/panic attacks/emotional problems only after the 2nd time we had sex, I knew that she was sexually aggressive, open to experimentation, one who loves wild sex from the beginning but the whole picture started to get clear only 3-4 days ago.

 

I will think about getting myself tested, I did put an emphasis on using protection both times and am glad I did, as far as being a friend I think thats the least I can offer. thanks for all the replies, before I found you guys about 4-5 months ago, I thought I was the only one with these kinda problems and was confused more often than not.

[RandomAdvisor]

 

 

I will think about getting myself tested, I did put an emphasis on using protection both times and am glad I did

 

Don't think about it, just do it. You say you put the emphasis on using the condom both times. That's great. But the fact you had to speak up about using the condom tells me she's perfectly content letting guys have sex with her who aren't wearing condoms, which means she's probably slept with a good % of those 25 unprotected. Condoms don't completely protect you!

 

Was I right about the way she told you she had been tested for an STD? Was it during a neutral moment, or did she mention it when you two were hot and heavy so you wouldn't have to wear a condom?

[here2understand2]

well she told me that she had got herself tested 2 weeks ago, when she told me, we were lying in bed but didnt have any sex, it was a normal conversation where we were discussing past life and loves. After the conversation, we kissed for a while and went to sleep. She didnt stop me from wearing a condom anytime, she didnt stress about me wearing it either, I did it on my own and she didnt say anything about it.

 

She left a message on my cellphone just now saying she;s ohkay with being friends and said sorry about being so emotional last night. I thought she handled it pretty well, much better than I expected, so I guess she's gonna be ohkay. I know she'd pretty soon have a bf(she told me its been like that with her all the time except one or two serious relationships) and its her way of life, just hope she keeps happy.

[melrich]

That's good to hear. Sounds like you have got things sorted.

[Miss M]

Just to clarify, my advice was aimed towards him, not her, because she is not on here (as far as I know) asking for advice. If it were a female on here asking this same kind of advice, I would say the same thing.

I've seen this type of explanation given here before, but sorry, it just doesn't work for me. I've just seen too many threads on this board where the advice given was to tell the OP that he/she was actually mistreating the other person. So I don't agree with your reasoning that we are here to just help the OP, disregarding the other person.

 

And this thread started off specifically making an issue of the 25+ guys this girl has been with, and then the topic of STDs came up. And then your post specifically said, "get her a** tested" and "protect yourself." Well, I think that's a very one-sided way to view this. Protect yourself from HER and get HER a** tested? WRONG. It's something that I've heard/seen a lot of guys say in regard to a woman, and I still don't agree with that. Any woman who ever got an STD certainly didn't give it to herself. And the way I view this is that she needs protection from the guys just as much as the guys need protection from her. And if she's promiscuous, then she just needs to be protected from them even more. And if anyone asks about getting involved with a woman, whether she's promiscuous or not, my advice is always the same, BOTH get tested and BOTH need protection from each other because I just don't see STDs as a one way street.

 

I feel sorry for the girl and she really needs counseling, but she's really damaged goods.

Like others, I agree with a some of what you wrote in your posts too, (but not all), but this comment about "damaged goods" is something I've only seen used in reference to women, not men. So I'd like to specifically say that she is NOT damaged goods. She is human being, very likely someone who has had a horrible childhood of abuse, possibly even sexually molested as a child. And now she is a very confused woman who is living a tortured life who needs compassion and professional help. She is probably a lot of things, but she is NOT damaged goods. And the OP even considers her his friend who he cares about and wants to help. Labeling her as "damaged goods" seems unkind.

[here2understand2]

I agree with 'Miss M' on that, the lady in question has been through a lot in life, i mean quite a lot, from an abusive ex-fiance who used to sometime force her to do drugs to being raped by her ex-fiance's father and then all of that being blamed on her instead of the dad, her own dad wasnt very supportive when she was a child..she told me that everything had to be according to him and that she'd get beaten up/yelled at for even speaking at the dinner table coz her dad was watching TV.

 

To me, she's like this more because of her dad's doin, shje chose to became a rebel and do exactly the opposite of what she was advised, no matter if it was right/wrong, so she stopped taking his advice(which she now tells me was right 90% of the time) just because he treated her badly when she was a kid.

 

Deep down, she's just a normal human being looking for love and compassion, maybe she confuses that with sex most of the time but she'll learn, just hope that she doesnt scar her health in the process, I am amazed at her strength though, you dont come accross too many people with that kinda strength and the hope that they'll find love and happiness one day. She's taking counselling and looks like the new counseller is doing her good, hope everything works out for her.