I messed up

[married 26]

I have been married now for 6 years. I cheated on my husband in our 2nd year of marriage. I told him to move out and everything, because I felt like I didn't love him anymore because he did not give me any attention. Anyway we got back together now and its been 4 years since it happened, and while we were separated he cheated on me too just to get back at me. Now 4 years later he said that he cannot forgive me. He says that the hurt is still there. He said he tried to let it go, but it won't go away. He don't know if he wants to stay married to me or not. We have a 6 year old daughter. He is scared of getting hurt again.

[annie24]

Hi - welcome to eNotalone.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea if you two talked to a martial counselor. He clearly sounds like he needs help to get over the hurt. Maybe a conselor will give him tools and exercises to help get over it and to repair the trust between you too. Think about it - after you break a bone, you have to go to a physical therapist where they give you exercises to get your strength back. Same thing for feelings.

 

good luck

[BellaDonna]

Did the 2 of you ever try couples counseling? I think this is too much to try to sort out on your own. His reaction of cheatign jus tto get back at you is not good either. You know the famouse line....two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Now that both of you have severely violated each other's trust, you'll need to figure out if you can truly be faithful to the marriage and trust one another ever again- and if so what you plan to do to prove our loyality and commitment to the marriage.

 

If you want to give it one last try, see if he'll go to counseling with you. It can help you make the decision, either way.

 

BellaDonna

[kellbell]

I agree with the others, marriage counsuling about the only way to go at this point. I have always figured when one person in a relationship cheats, there is something very wrong and lacking the relationship. So counsuling may help there too. If you two weren't married and had no children, then I would say call it quits and move on but since you two are married and have a daughter, those two things are worth working on the relationship for and giving it another shot. Sorry you are going through this, in situations like this, it isn't easy for anyone. One day at a time and take care.

[OceanEyes]

I'm usually not quick to recommend marriage counselling, but this is definitely a situation where it is required.

 

He needs help in letting go of old pain and resentment. And, there is no guarantee that he'll ever be able to do that. The result of him keeping this built-up anger in his heart towards your infidelity is going to destroy your relationship in the years to come.

 

I'd say to give things one last go, see if a therapist might be able to help shed some light on the situation. Couples can and do get over infidelities, but it's a matter of being able to LET GO of that hurt and anger. If he can't do that, it won't work out.

[Day_Walker]

I think you both need to be honest with eachother as to what you both want and if you both want the same thing then thats what you need to work on.

[chai714]

Counseling won't fix this anytime soon. It is however, a step in the right direction provided you both want to stay married.

 

He never forgave you and even sought revenge, but more in a passive aggressive type of way. Find out what it will cost you (emotionally and financially) to stay in this marriage vs. ending it.

[TiredMan]

I have been married now for 6 years. I cheated on my husband in our 2nd year of marriage. I told him to move out and everything, because I felt like I didn't love him anymore because he did not give me any attention. Anyway we got back together now and its been 4 years since it happened, and while we were separated he cheated on me too just to get back at me. Now 4 years later he said that he cannot forgive me. He says that the hurt is still there. He said he tried to let it go, but it won't go away. He don't know if he wants to stay married to me or not. We have a 6 year old daughter. He is scared of getting hurt again.

 

I have to say that him being with someone else while you were separated because of your cheating, isn't the same thing. Sorry.

[BellaDonna]

I have to say that him being with someone else while you were separated because of your cheating, isn't the same thing. Sorry.

 

I agree. However, what concerns me is that 4 years later- her husband has still not healed in any significant way. It's bothersome that he said he saw another woman, simply to get back at her. It's vindictive. So it is likely- even if they do stay together- that he may try to justify anything he does wrong by blaming it on her for what she did 4 years ago. That's not good either. I would personally have a very hard time forgiving cheating- but if her husband DECIDED to give things another chance with her- He HAS to forgive at some point, or it will never work.

 

He can't keep holding it over her head.

 

I think counseling would help.

 

 

BellaDonna

[talo]

Hi M26,

 

I note that in your post you do not say what you want. This may be because you see your life henceforth as not being what you want; that whatever happens now, there is/will always be, regrets, a feeling that you messed up.....

 

But this does not have to be the case. During the course of a lifetime love appears to change from more exclusive to more inclusive; from the heady days of 'falling in love' - an exclusive love with an exclusive individual - to being/living in love, an all inclusive love.

 

As this apparent shift in love occurs, one becomes less needy (including less needy of attention). One becomes more 'self sufficient' in the sense that one has/is all that one needs. One sees that love is not something that one needs or receives. It becomes seen more as 'something' one 'has' or is.

 

Your husband is looking for reassurance. And as you have/are sufficient love, you are able to reassure. This is not some statement(s) you make, it is rather a way of being. It is living with love as love in love.

 

With and in love,

[Shadows Light]

I'd strongly suggest marital counseling to try to sort this thing out. And your husband just may feel GUILT over his own vindictiveness and having a fling just to get back at you. Blames you for his behavior..."if you hadn't done "A" then I never would have done "B"..its all your fault."

 

You made a bad judgement call. Something was wrong in your relationship to begin with and you chose the easier road to follow. OK.. done. We all make mistakes. Some big..some small. None of us is perfect.

 

Try to see if you can get him into counseling if "saving" this relationship is truly what you want. Its a good start. But both of you.. have to want to SAVE it. It doesn't work if only one is towing the line.