Building myself up again..

[petalbud]

im a pretty introspective person,. i live in an internal world. this makes it hard for me to verbally express how i feel to those around me. i tend to assume, that poeple would just "know" that im not okay,. or that im upset and I keep everything to myself.

It has taken some self- searching for me to realise this. I have blown up a relationship in the past because i felt that he (rob) didnt care about me. Looking back now,. I realise that rob did care about me,. he just wasnt the kinda guy to show his feelings a lot.

 

i also tend to build an inpenetrable wall around me whenevr i feel vunerable. I just shut off completely and shut people out,. This leaves me feeling really alone,.. but In a way Im protecting myself from being hurt.

 

I have things im dealing with now,. and Im not really enjoying my life,.. (chek my history and read my posts) i have a very low self esteem, In very very sensitive,. and could be oversensitive. Im a vry emotional person,. maybe too emotional. Ive tried over and over again to become more confident and outgoing and less sensitive./ But it doesnt help that im surrounded by poeple who constantly critissize and put me down.

 

I find it really hard to trust anyone , because ive been badly hurt in the past,. and I feel others are just going to do the same. i feel like i have nothing to offer and theres nothign intresting about me,.. I feel liek plain jane but plainer.

 

Im tired of feelign down all teh time,. Im tired of living in depression. i Know there has to be more to life than a cycle of pain and constant sadness,. I just dont know where to start with myself. I feel I have lost sight of who i really am amidst all the chaos and hurt going on inside me. No advice is too small or insignificant,..Id appreciate your help and comments.

 

thanks

Petal

xx

[skyjuice]

Hi petalbud,

 

Do you allow yourself to have some outdoor activities like jogging or some in door activities like skipping, and dancing in your bedroom?Because by moving around--it inhale move oxygen into your brain. You will feel more happy.

 

If you do not scare of fat, try eat a small piece of dairy milk chocolate per day. Research has shown it produce some chemical to the brain that make a person feel happy.

[DN]

When your body is out of shape you exercise to get fit again. You get a programme of exercises to shape and tone the parts of your body that need attention and you diet - by eating the proper food in the right quantity.

 

Same thing about getting your mind in shape. Exercise it. Take courses that challenge you and make you use your brain for other things than contemplating bad things. Every time bad thoughts or feelings occupy your head make a conscious decision to banish them by substituting good ones.

 

Replace anger with serenity, replace fear by courage, replace anxiety with confidence.

 

Diet by not feeding off bad experiences - only the positive ones.

 

Just as in exercise and diet for the body, exercise and diet for the mind takes willpower, dedication and practice. It also requires that you do not give up if you have a setback or relapse but recognise that overall progress is what counts.

 

A good tip for the mind and for the body is 'square breathing'. It is good for the heart and lungs but also as a palliative for anxiety.

 

Breathe in through the nose for the count of four

Hold for the count of four

Breathe out through the mouth for the count of four

Hold for a count of four before inhaling again.

 

This regulates the flow of oxygen to the brain, calms the heart rate and reduces anxiety and stress.

[petalbud]

thanks for your tips and advice. i tried the sqaure breathing,. i actulaly really like it! very relaxing! thanks DN!

and Id definitely try the chocolate tip!

 

i guess in a way,. im just scared of being hurt and ending up alone. I dont want to be reliant on other people for my hapiness or self esteem, i want to be my own source of self esteem, I want to be happy in myself and comfortable in my own skin.

 

I do keep a journal,.it helps my clear out my feelings.

[BellaDonna]

i feel like i have nothing to offer and theres nothign intresting about me,.. I feel liek plain jane but plainer

 

You are far from a "plain jane" sweetie. You sound extremely intelligent, mature, abstract, and deep for your age.

 

DN gave you good advice.

 

I would also add that you need to find some kind of driving force or passion in your life. Try getting involved in your community. Find something you believe in. You could try working/volunteer to help those in need. Soup kitchens, youth groups, crisis centers, animal shelters...whatever your interest area is and go with it. Helping others not only makes a difference in the world, but can help you to feel better about yourself. It is beneficial for everyone involved.

 

BellaDonna

[petalbud]

thanks bella for yoru reply. I am involved in a number of volountary work projects,. but ive recently given up on them beause i just dont have the motivation to do it anymore.

 

Ive been trying the square breathing DN suggested,... Really relaxing because i fins that i sometimes hold my breath or tense up my stomach muscles wen anxious

 

I just dont know where to start on this journey of self- recovery.. I dont know whre to turn, i just feel really lost.

 

If anyone has any stories of their recovery from depression or how they learned to heal themselves,. id luv to hear,..As i said earlier,No advice is to small or insignificant,.

 

thanks

 

Petal

xx

[petalbud]

I feel crappier than a Dogpile today,. I just want to blank out n disappear into nothingness. i feel invisible to the world,.like i dont matter.

ive had an okay day,. not too bad,. nothing particularly upsetting happened,. Im just really really down.

Ive had to hide how i feel all day by plastering on a fake smile and pretending to ppl im okay,. so i dont get labbelled "attension seeking" like i have been labelled in the past.

 

I just really want to blank out and give up. Evryday's a constant struggle for me. Latley ive even been too down to cry. I just stare into the darkness of the night,. regreting my wretched existence.

 

Sometimes i just go into black moods,. when all i think about is my death and how I feel so alienated from everyone.

 

I dont know what to do with myself... I dont know how long i can keep up the postive thinking for.

 

Im sick of my wretched existence.,/ my fragile reality,. my broken heart. I just want to bleed out all my pain and never return to existence. Im sick of the world! absolutely sick of it.

 

Lots of poeple on here say" oh dont take your life,. you'd be hurting the people who love you,. people that you mean a lot to"./ Guess wat?? I dont mean anything more than a pile of dog pooh to anyone-- something they just want to get rid of. No one acknowledges my wretched existence anyway.. Im just so sick of evrything,....TAKE ME AWAY PLS

[SubtleGrace05]

petalbud,

 

Hang in there and dont go it alone. Do you have a counselor? I found that helped me immensely during my depression. If you cant find relief anywhere else, medication could help. It certainly did me. Also, movement helps fight depression, as does sunshine, maybe you could go outside and do your breathing?

 

Make a gratitude list, things your grateful for. Read it everyday and try to find one more thing to add.

 

Replay a really good experience over and over in your head.

 

Make a list of 100 things you'd like to do, be or have. This is a hard one, but it helps!

 

Big hugs,

 

Grace

[talo]

Dear Petalbud,

 

If anyone has any stories of their recovery from depression or how they learned to heal themselves,. id luv to hear,..As i said earlier,No advice is to small or insignificant

 

I recall having similar experieneces to yourself. As far as I can tell, I used to think as you are thinking. I used to think that it was all my fault. That I was the one who could not fit in / be like others / feel acceptable / ..... and naturally I used to get very depressed about this. Life was a real struggle and I used to 'escape' using alcohol.

 

At one stage I realized that my depression was suppressed anger. Anger held inside. Anger at 'being here in this situation'.

 

I then went through a stage of directing that anger outwards because I thought 'they had put me in this situation' and felt somewhat better, but only for a while.

 

Eventually, I looked at the anger, and boy, was there lots. I can still feel vestiges of it as I write. Heaps came flooding out in waves of shaking and sobbing. This went on in stages for quite some time and gradually diminished. Eventually I realized that I had adopted or assumed a number of beliefs about 'things' that were to say the least, not helpful.

 

Looking back, I realize that a number of people were trying to mould/manipulate/make me into some 'thing'; and I had essentially agreed with this. It took me a long time to realize that I am not some thing.

 

So now I know that I am not anything.... and so there is no need to build myself up. Only a thing can be pulled down and built up.

[petalbud]

thanks talo and subtlegrace.

talo,. i see your point about not being a "thing"./ but by using the phrase "building myself up",. i meant that I feel really down and broken up inside... the only way i can "visuallise" getting better is if i see myself being "buildt up" or "whole" again... (if im making any sense).

 

i am seeing a councellor,. twice a month,. but to be honest,. i dont know if councelling is right for me. I dont seem to be getting any better,. after about 6months of therapy.

[talo]

Thank you for your reply Petalbud.

 

talo,. i see your point about not being a "thing"./ but by using the phrase "building myself up",. i meant that I feel really down and broken up inside... the only way i can "visuallise" getting better is if i see myself being "buildt up" or "whole" again...

When we describe ourself, we are describing a thing. We describe (or define) ourselves all the time, without realising that we are not really any 'thing' to describe/define. It is the decribing/defining that 'makes us' a thing.

 

Feeling is just feeling. If there is any thing that feels, that is just a description, a defining of 'what it is that feels' and 'what the feeling is'; in other words, things. Defining feelings as bad, makes them bad, worse.

 

When you say "the only way i can "visuallise" getting better is if i see myself being "buildt up" or "whole" again", you have first thought of (described/defined) yourself as some thing, then thought of that thing getting better, then thought up an image of how that thing will be when it 'gets better'.

 

You are not a thing, let alone a thing that gets better and worse. You are whole all the time. How could you not be? The only time you are not whole is when you think you are not whole, and then you are not really not whole, you only think you are.

 

Another way of 'visualising getting better' is 'visualising yourself as not being worse' or not 'visualising yourself as worse' Visualising is thinking-in-images, building images.

 

You can either build/construct more thought images 'about yourself', or deconstruct, see through, not construct, thought images (about yourself).

 

You are lovely as you are. There is no need to construct/take-on-board/adopt/build, any thought images about yourself.

[petalbud]

thanks Talo for your reply again.

 

i guess in a way you're right. Maybe im in the situation im in because ive tried to define who i am rather than just accepting myself for being. When i use the term "whole",. im referring to the feeling of being complete and content and truly happy-- something i havnt felt in a while. Maybe id only feel "whole" when I accept myself.

Just the random thoughts going thru my head from reading ur post.

 

Ive had an up and down week,. but im trying to keep my head up from things......

 

once again. I appreciate your reply,. means a lot to me

 

take care

x

[funkless]

Hey Petalbud!

 

You have a cute user name and your avatar is pretty nice too. I read your post and subsequent ones and I felt pretty bad for you. I am 17 myself so I hope that I can empathize with you.

 

I am not too big on advice but I can tell you what I've learnt. I have learnt that self-acceptance is not a very easy road. There is loads of setbacks but you always, always gain some self-acceptance. There is still parts of me I have difficulty with. I suppose another thing about self-acceptance is accepting your feelings whatever they are and not trying to judge yourself on them or trying to change them because they are inappropriate for that time. But of course, feelings like anxiety or anger is something we'd all like to change so do what some other user suggested on palliative breathing, especially if they get out of control. I actually tried that myself, it did work and that's good because I'm quite shy and have a tendency to get quite anxious from time to time which really messes around with me.

[petalbud]

Thanks for your reply to my post,. I appreciate it. Guess self-accetance is a journey that i have to take. but it hasnt been easy so far. I still get ups n downs,. sorry I cant reply much now,. Feel free to Pm me whenever u fel like. Im always up for a chat

 

Take care

x

Petal