His Ex asks to return to stay.

[Farami]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we are long-dist, and I have been shuttling back and forth to his city for 4 times just to get together and stay for manageable periods (2 weeks to a month). Both of us are in our late twenties and working full time, well-paid jobs.

 

Recently his ex (he's been with this girl for a long time, like 8-9 odd years) asked if she could go back to stay cause she's lost her job for like the 4th time and she doesn't have anymore money to live on.

 

We have an agreement before, me and him, that she can go back if she's in financial difficulties cause she is alone in this country.

 

So, now she's deciding if she wants to return. He told me about this and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him do feel uneasy because I don't trust her. I am trying to trust him because I do not know what's going to happen if she's back there. And she dislikes me.

 

I don't want to be a totally cruel person cause she might be turned out to sleep on the streets that was why I said ok to the agreement. Some of you might think that I am nuts for putting up with this sort of agreement but she did lose a lot.

 

I love this guy a lot, and we have always worked out the kinks in our relationship well and talked about how to align our lives together in the future. He tells me he loves me and I do feel reassured but can't seem to rid that uneasy feeling in my gut. So I am left to thinking, he loves me but he would have to help her cause she has no one else left to turn to.

 

My concern is am I not trusting him now or more like not trusting what she's intending? And what else should I do about this arrangment if it happens? Right now, I am working on a contract bond in another city so I cannot go to him as freely as I like.

 

I really dread the situation when the 3 of us have to live in the same apartment, squeeze and can't have any form of privacy. This isn't the sort of 'Friends' scenario you would see on sitcom TV.

 

Would love replies or a PM.

Thanks so much for reading - even so, writing this out helped a bit.

[Hope75]

We have an agreement before, me and him, that she can go back if she's in financial difficulties cause she is alone in this country.

 

So, now she's deciding if she wants to return. He told me about this and wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him do feel uneasy because I don't trust her. I am trying to trust him because I do not know what's going to happen if she's back there. And she dislikes me.

 

I don't want to be a totally cruel person cause she might be turned out to sleep on the streets that was why I said ok to the agreement. Some of you might think that I am nuts for putting up with this sort of agreement but she did lose a lot.

 

You're right-- I absolutely don't understand why you would agree to something like this.

 

So are you saying that she would be moving in with him?

 

With a history as long as they have, and her living with him and you in another town you can bet you have something to worry about.

 

Personally by agreeing to something like this it seems you have set yourself up for what is happening..

 

Why would your bf even ask you to agree to something like this? It's completely unreasonable. He is not responsible for her well being-- they are broken up. Is he not over her?

 

If they've been going on and off for that long my assumption is that she has been in the country at least as long? Surely she has other friends or resources to turn to. He should not be her fall back person, unless there is something still going on between them, in which case you have a whole new problem on your hands.

 

How would he feel if an ex boyfriend wanted to move in with you?

[Aishin86]

You know, you have every right to feel uneasy... but I think what you should understand is that, you and your bf have a great relationship going, and you should learn to trust him. If your worst fears do come true, and that he cheats on you with his ex, that I don't believe he is a guy worth dating.

 

I've been dating my gf for nearly a year.. and you sort of remind me of her. Basically, I love her to the point that, she is the centre of my world, and that is where I want to keep her. If your bf love you that much, he should feel the way I feel, and not let any other girl interfere with your relationship regardless of how attractive or how close they USED to be.

[Farami]

I sent you a PM Hope, regarding the ex's situation. If you didn't get it, please tell me. She has friends but friends who aren't willing to help her out because they aren't in good circumstances as well. I can tell you more about it in a reply later.

 

Aishin, I know in my heart I have to trust him and let him do what he needs to do. Of course my gut doesn't sit easy but I have agreed to this agreement to let her go back cause she is really in bad bad shape. On one hand, I don't want to really feel like a cruel person because she's really pitiful.

 

I do know a lot of details about her because my bf and me talk about her a lot, just so I would feel at ease about what she's doing and how she is.

[chai714]

In general, people will push other people until a line is drawn. Yes, I know he's known her for a long time and all . . but that past is just that - the past. He's not responsible for her. This situation is outrageous! As your boyfriend, he ought to know you wouldn't be comfortable with this - this should not ever happen. And the thought of you 3 living together? I don't want to even think of how odd that would be, and wrong. Look, your boyfriend is YOUR boyfriend and if he cares about you he won't have his EX OF 9 YEARS living with him, no matter what her situation is.

[Farami]

Well, he will. And that's a decision that won't be changing. I know why he feels responsible for her. Sometimes it is hard to tell a person to stop caring for another whom he had took care of for so long. Like totally leaving her to die in the ditch, I don't think anyone humane enough could.

 

Telling me to leave him is not a working solution. I would rather like to see how or what kind of compromise I might look into.

[chai714]

Compromise? Ok, how bout setting a deadline then. Give her a reasonable amount of time . ..let's say 120 days (although that is more than reasonable).

 

Did the thought ever cross your mind that your bf is being selfish? Remember what I said earlier - people will push you until you define limits. Thus far, you have not defined any limits.

[Hope75]

And the thought of you 3 living together? I don't want to even think of how odd that would be, and wrong. Look, your boyfriend is YOUR boyfriend and if he cares about you he won't have his EX OF 9 YEARS living with him, no matter what her situation is.

 

That's the thing, she doesn't even live with her bf, the ex would be moving in with him while she lives in another town!

 

It's outrageous if you ask me.

[Farami]

I have set limits. That if its going to get too much for me, or that he gets into hankypanky with her (ex-sex whatever) or she's starts insulting me or well any other thing that makes me feel very bad, I will take the first step out of the relationship.

 

Also another deal is she has to find a job. A low paying one or whatever, but she must find a job to help with the rent and expenses and not live free.

 

I will be living with him come next year. After my work contract finishes... then it will be a scream

[Hope75]

Like totally leaving her to die in the ditch, I don't think anyone humane enough could.

 

She can go home if this is such a problem. He would not be "leaving her to die", that's a bit dramatic, don't you think? First of all, it's her choice to be in this country. If it's not working out for her she can and should go home.

 

Second, how long has she been here? She has NO ONE else to turn to?

 

Third, it is NOT your bf's or your responsibility to be taking her in!

 

Can you not see the disrespect your bf is giving you by allowing and even encouraging this?

 

Don't make this your problem.

[BellaDonna]

I think I'd crawl out of my skin if I were ever in that situation.

 

I would rather like to see how or what kind of compromise I might look into.

 

But if you agreed to it and it's ultimately going to happen. Then I would l think some ground rules need to be established. For instance, the obvious-

 

*She must have her own room and her own bed.

 

*She must have a set plan on what she is going to do to get back on her feet and a timeline as to when she estimates she'll be leaving. Once she does leave- she needs to be clear that it's not a revolving door- and this was a one-time thing.

 

*She must learn to treat you with respect. You said she disliked you. She needs to lose that attitude if you're being nice enough to allow her to stay with your boyfriend.

 

*You should kindly demand to talk with her before she moves in with him. It will show her that she ultimately not only had to go through her ex- but go through you, before this decision is made.

 

Other than that- there's really nothing else you can do. If you move in yourself then you'd have more control over the situation, of course.

 

If it were me - I'd be "popping in" often.....

 

YOu seem to have a good relationship with yuour BF and healthy modes of communication. Be sure to tell your BF about your feelings and concerns. If his behavior becomes at all strange or defensive, and not his usual understanding reaction....then you should worry.

 

BellaDonna

[Farami]

It's more like a worry. It's bad circumstance I do know and I shouldn't be riddled with this. But, see, I made the agreement and I decided on it. I feel uneasy but it comes with the package and I don't want to throw it away just yet.

 

I left you a PM, Hope, why she can't go home and etc.

 

Well if it is not his responsibility, how do I tell him that it is not? Because he feels that he needs to see that she's at least not in any bad condition.

 

That's some good advice I would think about, Belle. Thank you very much. And yes, we communicate well and he's often honest with what he feels and thinks to me. He has called me several times today to check if I am doing okay and that I am feeling alright.

[chai714]

I won't tell you how to live your life. It's your life and you'll learn through life's experiences just like everyone else. Good luck with the whole situation. I'm sure you'll enjoy all the drama it has to offer - there won't be any need to watch TV anymore for you.

[Farami]

lol - yea, it had been rather dramatic through the entire year.

 

I believe in living it through what I experienced so I am trying not to drop this and run away from it and find someone else because I love my guy and things are working out good between us.

 

Who knows too, a new guy might come with a ickier ex-gf problem?

[BellaDonna]

But, see, I made the agreement and I decided on it.

 

Also keep in mind that you are allowed to change your mind.

 

You didn't sign your name on any dotted lines. If you hate this situation and realize the agreement was an error on your part- your BF should not attack you for changing your mind. If you do indeed change your mind and he gets mad at you- that says something in and of itself- because it means he'll allow her to negatively affect your relationship (which is also apparent by the fact that he's even open to having her move in).

 

I'm sure she's not in a great situation- but theres' also a point when someone's help can really just enable irresponsibility. If she knows a door is always open and she can dump her hardships on your BF- she'll never get back on her feet.

 

At the very most- if he wanted to- he could lend her money if he truly cares about her well-being that much. She could use this to help her find low-income housing and pay rent for a few motnhs unti lshe gets on her feet. That would be a much more tolerable solution for you, I'm sure.

 

BellaDonna

[Farami]

That's the bit I fear - she's rather lazy and might end up being dependent again. I suppose things will only be clearer once I stay with him longterm next year and we could maybe find a larger apt, so she can get her own room.

 

I gave you a PM Bella. Thanks for the reply on forum again, your advice is really precise and clear-cut.

 

Thanks all, hugs

[chai714]

once I stay with him longterm next year and we could maybe find a larger apt, so she can get her own room.

 

You should adopt her to be your child. Heck, the state might even give you money to help raise her.

[BellaDonna]

I suppose things will only be clearer once I stay with him longterm next year and we could maybe find a larger apt, so she can get her own room.

 

Do you think she'll still be there by next year?

 

It's bad enough it's happening- but when will it END? Perhaps she should be told that she has X time to get back on her feet and that this set-up is over once the 2 of you find your own apartment together. That's a really complicated and heavy 3rd wheel to be taking along- and ultimately I think it could mean the demise of your relationship. There has to be some structure, some guidelines. She should not be allowed to get too cozy, and certainly not be a factor in where you live next.

 

BellaDonna

[Farami]

Well, she's going to be ... a really old child. She's in her mid thirties.

 

I have no idea, Bella. Because we both work on jobs that might send us overseas after a certain number of years' contract. So possibly he might be sent off and I am quite mobile to follow, and whatever it is, we have to leave her behind due to her circumstances.

 

He does feel troubled enough and he has told me he would try to help her if she's in trouble, and maybe for life.

 

But how do I tell him that he has to stop being her crutch?

[BellaDonna]

He does feel troubled enough and he has told me he would try to help her if she's in trouble, and maybe for life.

 

FOR LIFE.... is he married to her in his mind? Yikes!

 

I'm so sorry but this is sounding worse and worse.

 

 

But how do I tell him that he has to stop being her crutch?

 

I'd tell him he had to make a decision, her or you. If he wants a future with you then there should be no question...and no crutches.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Farami]

If it continues for a year or she drops out of a job and starts being dependent or do anything bad towards me, I will be opting out of the relationship. That's my final call.

[hockeyboy]

I wont sugarcoat it, this is absurd. Kick this girl out or get out yourself. Right now your being walked all over.

[Hope75]

If it continues for a year or she drops out of a job and starts being dependent or do anything bad towards me, I will be opting out of the relationship. That's my final call.

 

I don't understand why you would even be willing to put up with this for one minute, let alone a year.

 

Sorry honey, but it sounds like your bf cares more about her and her well being than he does about you, and I have a sinking suspicion that once she moves in with him you will be phased out.

 

Does your bf have a one bedroom now? Where do you expect she will be sleeping?

[Farami]

Right now she has not decided on it yet. I think she's probably thinking the same things as I am and the awkwardness she's has to handle and probably emotional reminders and pains again since they broke up over my intrusion into their relationship a year ago.

 

I was quite willing to talk to her and such but quite appalled by her acid retorts of hatred and refusal to discuss anything to aid herself since I had wanted to help her, regarding her situation.

 

I might find myself easily bullied or walked over but yes, I do have a great sense of compassion towards this woman or anyone in such particular situations. Looking on the other side of things, if my boyfriend loves me only and all we want to do is to help someone like her who just can't survive, I suppose all I can do is dole out the milk of human kindness and bank up on my karma points.

 

At times I did put myself in her shoes and try to feel how she felt. Though love is selfish and everything, I find it difficult to bite down being humanitarian and trying to be selfish for myself.

 

Wouldn't it be worse to be pitied then to be loved?

[OceanEyes]

The bottom line is that this is your choice. YOU are the one who will have to live with the implications of your decision to tolerate this or not.

 

I would feel really uncomfortable if I were in your shoes. This is an issue of trust, but I feel that this goes beyond trust. This is putting you in a very awkward position.

 

Why does he feel so compelled to take care of this woman? I understand that she's not from this country, but when you break off a relationship with someone, shouldn't that be *it*? I know that exes can remain friends, but it is quite another thing to have that person live with you.

 

I don't think that your boyfriend is being fair, regardless of this woman's circumstances. If my boyfriend told me that his ex was coming to live with him, I'd probably wonder if he'd taken some crazy pills.