Rethinking sex and relationship...

[Hello90]

I'm sitting here rethinking my sex drive and relationship after a long talk with my girlfriend. We are having libido troubles again.

 

It started yesterday after I gave her an orgasm (manually ) and she decided she didn't want to reciprocate. "It's okay" I said (and thought). Wen't into thr bathroom and relieved myself to avoid pain.

 

I returned and she went on to say, as usual, how she disliked doing it, but liked it because it makes me happy (even though she gives me an orgasm about once a month). She went on to say that if it was going to be a problem, then we should just cut it off altogether. I told her I definitely did not want to do that. "Shut up or else" I thought to myself.

 

Next day, I get off work early and go to visit her, she's not in the mood and I am. I didn't care that much once again. We kisses for a few minutes and shared time laying together. It was nice. Later that day I asked her if she was in the mood today and she said she wasn't. Then she asked "if I stopped kissing you and doing sexual things, would you dump me?" I thought about it and said "yes". She seemed shocked. She continued with "kissing and sexual things aren't important to me. I could be with you without either." I told her that it was very important to me and relationships in general. I also said that without intimacy, it's not much different from a friendship. She didn't see my logic here and said "so basically we're friends with benefiets??". I told her that was ridiculous and that I cared for her.

 

This is driving me insane. I don't know how do deal with this. I can't marry someone who doesn't see intimacy as ESSENTIAL to a relationship (even though I'm not planning on getting married for quite some years as I am 20 and she is 19). I don't want to leave her. She is my best friend. I care about her.

 

I have read many many resources and the best answer is there is no answer. Can anyone help??

[DN]

You are completely normal in thinking that sex should be part of a loving relationship. If she does not and will not try to get help to adjust her thinking, then I would advise leaving her. The heartache of doing that will be small compared to the heartache caused by a sterile relationship.

[heloladies21]

I know you don't want to leave her, but don't you think you deserve to be happy? Don't you deserve someone who's on the same level and finds you as interesting sexually as you find them? It doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship at all. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

[ReadyorNot]

Oh Dear, Jokingly one day I asked my fiance if I stopped having sex with him would he leave me.. He also said yes!!! At first I was upset, but then I realized it is silly for me to be upset about that.

 

Im not exactly sure what to say about this situation. Maybe she feels she shouldnt have started having sex yet and is now feeling bad.

 

I am 25, and I consider kissing and sex VERY IMPORTANT! I cant say that at 19 I would have said that. I was 19 when I lost my virginity and my bf at the time (not my fiance) and I preferred to continue with oral sex instead.

 

I dont know what her problem is.. even when I dont feel in the mood I still have sex with my fiance, if he wants to. I really love to please him, and I always know that once we get going I am happy I did. I dont make him suffer because I dont feel like it at the moment.

[RayKay]

Physical intimacy is important in a loving, healthy relationship, and even more so sexual compatibility is crucial - it actually sounds like you two are NOT sexually compatible at this point. It does not sound like she really enjoys sex for whatever reason at this point, and just does it as she feels she must (which I am sure is not very flattering for you!). I mean how do you feel knowing she does not even like it (and only once a month at that!).

 

I don't know what is up with her, but she definitely has different views, feelings on sex then you do and this is something you need to discuss together - but honestly if it seems that things are not going to change and she is ignoring your own needs/desires to want to be intimate with the person you LOVE, then I think it is time to move on. Her attitude of

"if I stopped kissing you and doing sexual things, would you dump me?" I thought about it and said "yes". She seemed shocked. She continued with "kissing and sexual things aren't important to me. I could be with you without either."

is a red flag...sure sex is NOT everything, but it is terribly important. And unless there is a valid medical reason why you cannot, I think withholding it is selfish. She seems to be confused about what a relationship is. Yes if my partner withheld sex I would still love him, but you know, my self esteem would plummet, our bond would weaken (as intimacy is a bonding between you), we would probably argue, both feel dissatisfied over time....things like that.

 

Maybe other things are great (ie she is your best friend) but you should be someone whom meets ALL the compatibilities important to you. A relationship without sex/intimacy is as you said yourself - a friendship.

 

I am sorry, but her deciding she does not want to reciprocate and being selfish in HER own pleasure to me is very disrespectful and insensitive. Part of a loving relationship is wanting to bring pleasure to your partner.

 

Look, there are times I am not in the mood - I am tired, stressed out or whatever but if my partner is in the mood, we will start things because I know my mood will soon change too. Case in point, this morning when I came home from the gym my sweetie was on couch eating brekkie (he came back earlier) and I asked why he had not showered yet as he usually does, he gives me a sly look and said he was hoping he might get something started. I was in a rush as had to get to work, but also knew you know, a quickie is not going to hold me back that much and I love him, so why not have some fun...and it was fun and I got in the mood pretty fast once things started. Granted, if I am sick or something, he will respect that and not start anything. And the same thing is reverse, there are times HE is not in the mood due to stress, but I'll start things. There are times you will BOTH be in the mood, but in real life often someone needs to take action, and in a loving relationship the other partner will get into it as they enjoy being intimate with their partner and enjoy the pleasure.

[sharkbait]

Dude. If she doesn't wanna have sex dont make her feel like she has to coz she shouldn't have to. Also she shouldn't really have to give u an orgasm either.. but if she doesn't wanna kiss you then theres a problem.

[Vert]

Witholding sex as a bond strengthener is tough when the couple is pre-marital and has already engaged in it. However, in this case it seems like she is just "one of those types" of girls that is never going to be fully interested in having sex or being intimate that way. The fact that she guilt tripped you into that question about dumping her sends up red flags everywhere... Some people (not just women) truly view sex as an afterthought and unimportant to a relationship even after marriage. It's all about how they were raised, what they were told about it, and what their parents acted like towards each other. If mom and dad were cold and distant in their loving relationship, then she/he might view intimacy and sex as unimportant or boring.

[DN]

Dude. If she doesn't wanna have sex dont make her feel like she has to coz she shouldn't have to. Also she shouldn't really have to give u an orgasm either.. but if she doesn't wanna kiss you then theres a problem.

 

I agree that you should not coerce a partner into having sex. But once you have sex with someone it is extremely selfish to not bother about their needs and satisfaction.

 

You should also feel no qualms about ending a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you are about sexual intimacy. It is a deal-breaker for many people and reasonably so. Sex is a normal human function - to deny it to a partner means the relationship is badly flawed and will probably ultimately fail.

[Hello90]

double post, sorry

[Hello90]

Thank you for the responses.

 

Dude. If she doesn't wanna have sex dont make her feel like she has to coz she shouldn't have to. Also she shouldn't really have to give u an orgasm either.. but if she doesn't wanna kiss you then theres a problem.

 

The thing is, she doesn't see sexual intimacy as important at all. This is not going to change with even marriage. I have never forced her to do anything sexual with me and you're right, she doesn't have to give me an orgasm.

 

However, the fact she will receive so much and put so little in is disheartening. Do I please her when I'm "not in the mood"? Most of the time, yes, I do. Why she can't do it a little more often boggles my mind.

 

I suppose when it comes down to it, I will have to decide how much I can take .

 

This makes me wonder several things. 1) How would marriage change the sex life (this seems to be a common 'remedy' to this problem, but I see it as putting the problem off until later) and 2) how can one communicate the problem with a partner who sees the need for more sexual interaction as ungreatfull and unnessesary?

[DN]

[This makes me wonder several things. 1) How would marriage change the sex life (this seems to be a common 'remedy' to this problem, but I see it as putting the problem off until later) and 2) how can one communicate the problem with a partner who sees the need for more sexual interaction as ungreatfull and unnessesary?

 

Based on her words and actions I can almost guarantee that marriage will make it worse.

 

Tell her how it makes you feel - and that she is jeopardizing the relationship.

[Gilgamesh]

I agree with the other posters, I do understand where she is coming from, (no pun intended) she has these doubts that maybe your only interested in her for sex and she needs assurance of your love for her and all that.

 

Her problem is she needs constant assurance, and she isn't sensitive to your needs. to her sex is just something she has to do once in a while, like taking out the trash.

 

Well I would definitely not be in a relationship where sex is like some kind of "allowance" where I have to basically beg to get any, nope no way Jose. plus she doesn't even like returning a hand job, after you pleased her? guess that means no oral ever. What she needs is a Gay guy friend then she will be happy.

[Vert]

I echo DN's sentiment... She will not change in marriage and this is a severe misperception that is actually very common (that marriage is the cure-all to problems when it only magnifies them). If she is being this greedy and self-centered now about her needs and not caring about yours then how will that change in marriage? Also, if she's being this detached about sexual intimacy then it's permanently ingrained in her psyche. THAT will never change... ever. Just because you have "exclusive rights" to sex with her in marriage doesn't mean she'll be more apt to do it. Actually, I'd be inclined to say she'd do it far less because now she knows she can control you forever that way.

 

Look, I hate to say it, but this girl is one huge red flag after another. Sexual intimacy is important to you and not to her so I say get out quickly. Better to save face now than to have a divorce later.