Well I guess I'm not alone.

[LostDestroyed]

Hello. This is my first post. I have spent the last two or three hours reading this forum. I am 30 years old and married the love of my life. We have two children and 10 years together. I just found out about a month ago that she has cheated on me aleast twice. Once before we were married ans once afterwards. Two weeks afterwards.

A couple of months ago we decided it was time to stop smoking. I walked in the bethroom one day smelled smoke. I found her cigerettes and confronted her with them. She said they must of been there for a while. I ask her if the smoke in the bathroom had also been there awhile. She insisted that I was imagining things. Over the course of the years we had become accustom to telling each other little white lies and we agreed that would also come to a stop for the children's sake. This was her idea. She then accused me of smoking at work. Then a suggested a lie-detector test for both of us. At first she agreed but when I suggested that both of us get to ask any ten questions we want, she flipped out. I wasn't really serious about any test but I guess I must have struck a nerve. Latter that night I ask her why was she so opposed to a lie-detector test and she dropped the bomb on me. I went to the bathroom, puked my guts out and she spent the rest of the night apoligizing.

 

The first time she actually didn't "do it" but explained that there was alot of touching. The next time it happened we were only married for two weeks. She was working at night McDonald's and had a one-time affair with the manager. We had a nasty fight a few days before and I had told her that maybe we shouldn't have gotten married.I realize this was a very stupid thing to do and I regretted it as soon as I said it. I admit that I have not always been there for her emotionally. She explained to me that he was comforting her and one thing lead to another. She came home that night crying from what she said was a fight with her mother and she never went back to work.

I nolonger see her as my perfect angel and to be honest if it were not for the kids I would just leave. There has been a few guys that I have suspected her of being more then just friends with in the past and this haunts me day and night. Can anybody here with experience in this councel me on whether or not my suspecions are valid?

 

Do y'all think she do it again?

 

Lost&Destroyed

[gracee]

ooohh.u must b ein a very difficult situation, being too inlove sometimes can lead to to much sensitivity..but i understand ur case..however, if your wife do it once or twice doesn't make her do it all the time right?but of course oi now its kina hrad to believe her now, but if i were you try to give urself a break maybe u need to be alone for a week and try to figure out things, explain to ur wife why are u doing this..of cours eits not easy when u find that the love of ur lifecheated on u right?

[DN]

You guys need counselling together. I doubt these issues can be worked out without it - you need someone to help you sort through what happened before, what is happening now and how to manage your relationship from now on.

[TRAUMA]

definitely do it again. guaranteed!!! I am sorry this has happened to you

but my advice would be to try counseling and see if theres any sign of hope..It is not advisable to stay together because of the "children"..Keep your chin up high..be strong my friend..

[Shadows Light]

You both need to go to counseling. Only with professional help and both of you wanting to work at this can this be resolved.

[Cecelius]

It's entirely up to you, but you have a whole universe of emotions to face down beause, what, she's so fragile and easy -- I mean easily damaged that one rough fight 2 weeks after the wedding and she's getting banged in the McDonalds?

 

To what extent do you have to worry that your kids aren't yours, that she's done this (or lesser offenses) the whole time, that she's given you diseases, whatever.

 

You certainly need counselling, but do not assume that you need to stay married to her.

[darkblue]

If it's worth having; it's worth fighting for.

 

If you are determined to make a go of this - you need to get to therapy.

[LostDestroyed]

Thank you all for the replies. I have no desire to get therapy. After weeks of soul searching I still am not certain that can remain with her. If these were the only two times that this happened I may be able to trust her again but if there were other times that she is not telling me about I can not stay with her. She says that this was it but I'm not sure I believe her. This may sound selfish but I need to know. Does anybody have any advice on how to make her confess to it. I hate to sound like a prick but I feel like I need to know.

[DN]

She can't prove a negative. Suppose I said to you 'I think you have cheated on her.' How would you prove that you have not? You can only give your word.

 

So can she.

 

You either trust her or you do not. If you don't and don't think you ever will, then you should end the relationship. But do bear in mind that she said this last happened two weeks after a wedding that took place 10 years ago.

 

You have a lot invested in the marriage and there are two children to think of. It may be a lot to give up for a 'What if?'

[Hope75]

I have no desire to get therapy.

 

Why not? Before you dismiss it consider that it could help you both get to the bottom of why she did this in the first place and what you are both willing to do to see that relationship straightens out and to learn to love, respect and TRUST each other.

[Dissed]

This may sound abit negative but for someone to cheat on you 2 weeks after you have got married is unforgivable to me.

If you believe that you can forgive & trust her again you can make a go of it but if deep down inside you know you cant it wont work.

I found counselling did not help me at all, maybe it gave me a better chance to talk to my wife about what she had done.

My personnel opinion is you can never trust her & if you have the strength you should leave her.

Its very hard to leave especially when you have children, my heart goes out to you, good luck in making your decision I wish you all the best.

[fool4love]

Thank you all for the replies. I have no desire to get therapy. After weeks of soul searching I still am not certain that can remain with her. If these were the only two times that this happened I may be able to trust her again but if there were other times that she is not telling me about I can not stay with her. She says that this was it but I'm not sure I believe her. This may sound selfish but I need to know. Does anybody have any advice on how to make her confess to it. I hate to sound like a prick but I feel like I need to know.

 

Sorry to break the news brother but if you won't do marriage counseling, your only alternative is to dump her, and even marriage counseling may not do the trick. From what little you say about her, I wouldn't trust this woman for a second. She's no longer attracted to you, or she's got an incurable wandering eye, or serious personal problems, or whatever, but I see only bad things ahead for you. Unless you want to take one last stab at counseling, I'd say cut your losses now and dump her. And staying together with this woman for the sake of the kids may be the worst possible thing for them.