No wonder I'm scratching my head!

[confusedashell]

Well, my "wife" says I'm making her insane with so much questions. Ok, I havent asked a single thing about us for over a week now. But I'm sitting here trying to take stock of everything and what I should do. Some people tell me to forget her, divorce her and move on. Others say to hold on and wait and it will all work out fine. I do want my family back together, for us and then for our son. The problems us not being together creates is many since we are from different countries. But i dont want to drag out my pain either. This whole thing has really sucked a lot of life out of me and I rally do feel down. I love the woman, I cant help it. Yes I was depressed but I still accept all of whats owed me in messing things up. I wish she could have just stood by me more and helped me. I did NOT suddenly come out of the depression and change when she finished this. It happened in May (she ended in end of July). I was getting a hell of a lot better in May. I worked damn hard for myself to pull out of that depression and had she just stood by me by now things would be great with us. I would have been making up for all I put her through and showing her how much I appreciated her standing by me. But things dont always work out the way you want.

 

Anyway, I was just looking for some advice on what to do.

 

Sice this has ended it all went like this:

Up until the 26th of July - all seems fine. Nothing seemed out of place. She did things like buying a new sofa (pay off monthly for a year) and cable TV for a year all between April and July. Says to me that things are getting better. Then one night after me telling her she couldnt go out drinking because she had to get up with our son she ends it.

 

The reasons: she loves me but is no longer in love. My temper and anger over the last 18 months has made her afraid to come home incase I'm angry and we argue. That I made her feel bad about herself. Shes afraid of doing the wrong thing all the time. That one night when we got physical with eachother. That she doesnt want a relationship for a long time. Just wants to be alone.

 

BUT in all this: I almost had to FORCE her into signing the Divorce papers. She didnt even want one and still doesnt. She told her mother it was ME who wanted the divorce. When I asked why she didnt want one she said: "because if I ever marry again it'll probably be to you anyway" and "coz if we get back together its just makes things a little messy"

 

She says things like: "when I want a relationship again, I want it with you". "I still see us at 30 being together". "Its YOU!...I cant imagine being with anyone else". "I do wish that we end up back together". "If you're patient then we'll be back together". "its not impossible hat we get back together". She told her mother: "maybe later we can get back together and fix this".

 

When i told her I wanted the divorce because its easier for her to fall in love with someone new and "fresh" she said: "I think its easier for me to fall in love with you again...I didnt fall out of love with you, I turned off all my feelings as self defense".

 

When I demanded a divorce a week ago she said (more screamed): "fine we get a divorce and forget about us ever getting back together!".

 

She says we could get back together later but she would have to have "those feelings" for me.

 

Says its best for me if I find a girl I like to move on because she cannot promise anything.

 

Doesnt know how she will feel in six months/a year or whatever.

 

She doesnt love me like "that" anymore but she still wants us to have sex, says its the best, likes me to touch her, sleep with her, cudle her, kiss her. Hell, the three weeks before me and my son left she called me like 30 times a night when she was out (almost always did this), wanted me to kiss her all the time, hugging me all the time. The last night she wanted us to have a "nice night". i.e. acting excatly the same as always. says Im one of the best looking men shes ever seen. Says that she never ever even looked at another man when she was with me, she wasnt interested, but now she is looking and that worries her.

 

In the weeks since we finished and since me and my son is gone: shes gone out drinking twice a week. even though shes not even had a single plan or idea what we should do with our son. when I called her yesterday to ask if she had thought about it she said she needed more time to think.

 

what the hell should I do??

[confusedashell]

she even wants to fix the tattoo of my name on her lower back. This is the same girl who despises tattoos but did this and now wants to fix it up.

 

She told me I'm the love of her life. She'll never feel even slight what she felt for me for some one else. and even went so far as saying that with me and our son, her heart doesnt have any more space for someone else.

 

Go figure!

[DN]

I take it you are in the UK now?

 

Don't contact her. Let her call you. When she does, keep the conversation short and to the point and they should mostly be about your son. If she won't decide anything, tell her to call back when she has. Then say goodbye.

[confusedashell]

Yes, back in the UK now. And really in limbo. Not just with my relationship but in my "life" since I need to sort this all out asap. Once she has figured out how she wants to deal with it all I can make some concrete plans.

 

I dont want to walk away from her just yet. I know first hand how everything can go to hell if someone isnt there for the other when things arent right. But I just dont know what the hell I can do and if there is even any point to try. Anything I say or do seems to bounce off her like bullets to a tank. Before she would have been so happy with f.ex me sending her flowers, now, its just "ok. thanks. they were nice".

 

she says emotions and feelings have no logic for them. But human behaviour does! So how the hell could this all change so quickly!?

[BellaDonna]

You call yourself "confusedashell"- but it sounds like it would make a better name for your wife- who clearly doesn't know what the heck she wants. As a result she is taking you on an emotional roller coaster. You have to show her that you are no longer going for this ride- it's either all or nothing. Re-read DN's advice on how to handle her when she calls.I think it's your only key to sanity right now- because if you keep letting her do this to you, you're just going to get more upset.

 

BellaDonna

[karvala]

Amen to that. DB and Belladonna are absolutely right. In my recent breakup, it was off, on, off, on again etc., a complete emotional rollercoaster centred on her confusion (she freely admitted she was confused about how she felt). Even in our last conversation, she said at first she wanted to be friends, and later on that she wanted a future with me. Go figure. Anyway, getting off the rollercoaster with a "I'm not calling you anymore, get back to me if/when you decide you want to be with me properly, otherwise, have nice life", was the best thing I could have done in those circumstances, and although it's very hard at times, I know that it was the right thing to do, indeed, the only thing to do to move on in the situation.

[confusedashell]

Honestly, had this just been a bf/gf thing, then saying something like that to her might be easier. But while we have a child together and I DO still love her very much, I almost feel like I cant give up.

 

Im the first to admit I was not easy to live with. She put up with a lot of crap from me durning my depression. She really did. But I always figured "damn, I've got such a great wife who is standing with me through all this hell". I started to come out of it all in May and started to think when I get all the way out I should start to make it all up to her. But she finished it all before I even managed to get things right. The problem was she even said things were getting much better and in all honesty, had she not ended it when she did, I'm pretty sure we'd be very happy now and so would she.

 

Shes still very distant and undecided. And in all honesty shes in the same way when it comes to what to do with our son. She says that if her and me live together for anytime now then it will screw us up for ever and we will never get back together. That living apart is what we should do. I agree with her. But I do not agree it should be in separate contires. We should live close to one another and start to "date" again. She says she would want to get back together with me later, but she would have to have those feelings for me. Today I accidently let it slip, more out of habit and said "love you" when we would hang up the phone, we both kinda had an akward laugh and I said "am I ever gonna hear that from you again"..her reply was "i dont know". That phrase that started to give me a twhicht.

 

I told her we shouldnt have sex anymore either. She didnt even want to dicuss it. Just said "no, dont even start...". My reasoning is is helps me get over her and she knows if she screws someone else Id never g back to her. So either way I get my answer soon.

 

I want to ask her if we will or wont fix this. If she WANTS to work for that. But if I even bring anything up she says "dont! if you keep asking you push me away". what the hell??? you push someone away when you ask your wife if its any point to work for this marriage???????

[DN]

It's getting a little frustrating that you continue interacting with her in exactly the same mode as before and let her make all the decisions about this relationship. It seems you are entirely disregarding everyone's advice to only talk to her about your son, to assume that the relationship is over and to stop talking to her as if it is not.

 

What you are doing is clearly not working - maybe you should try something else that may work.

[confusedashell]

I dont ignore evryones advice. We talk pretty seldom these last two odd weeks now. Now even less since I have moved to a place with no phone for awhile. The problem is that I am the only one of us thinking about our son and while I am trying to not cause any ripples its hard to keep my cool. I do NOT want this to end up where we cannot even talk to one another without a fight. I see her parents and my own, who cannot even be in the same room as one another even after 20 years of seperation. I dont need that kind of BS in my life.

 

Its difficult to let go. Especially when I do love her and in some odd way feel like I owe her something for what she put up with. That being said, my patience is wearing thin. Its hard to let go too when she asks things like "maybe we should all take a hoilday to Spain after christmas?". I already declined the offer but its hard. One side of me thinks this will all work out ok in the end, the other side (logic and reason) tells me I'm in for more pain and headaches with this woman and to just walk away.

 

Her plan for our son is that we have him two months each until xmas and then make another plan. Theres no reasoning with her. I tried and I tried but she becomes hysterical over the phone and refuses to talk. Goes into a mental frenzy that she will quit her studies because she cant handle all this. Starts to point fingers at me. Even though I thought I had a reasonable solution to everything. I told her I could move back tosweden for the next 9 months, we find two smaller apartments for the both of us and then my son had his friends, his kindergarten and both parents around. After the summer we both move to the UK. But no. She cannot do that. She says she would go insane with me around up there and couldnt handle our son now either because she has too much studies to do. So she wants to keep him here in the UK until November and then take him to Sweden until XMAS. Then we make a new plan. She doesnt seem to understand that I cannot move back and forth everytime she has some bright idea. and when I try to tell her this she goes insane. She also wants to stay in sweden for good, but doesnt seem to realise that by doing things her way, shes most definetly moving for the long term. Of course I'll have to deal with all this later but now I'm saying NOTHING. We do everything her way and later she can deal with the results. I tried to discuss and talk. When i do she screams that "we" made a decision and we have to stickto it. I made no decisions. Shes making them and going insane if I say it wont work. Says Im trying to mess up her studies and so on.

 

Now she wants to come here in two weeks for five days to visit our son and guess who has to pay for that! Moi.

[DN]

Stop letting her have her way all the time. Stand up for your son and for yourself.

[TiredMan]

COnfused,

 

Any updates on this? I sense it must be going well if you stopped posting perhaps?