Finally got a kind of answer!

[confusedashell]

Well its not posible for me and my wife to have complete NC but we/I am trying. I have wanted to sort out what we will do with our son because since this happened 6 weeks ago she still has not made up her mind how she wants to deal with it. She still gives me the "do not know" line everytime and says she needs to think about it. I give option after option and each one is shot down as unacceptable. So now I am just sitting back and waiting for her to make her mind up or come up with some plan of action.

 

At least she has finally given me the reason she doesnt want this relationship (for now anyway). It all boils down to my depression. That that pushed her away from me and that caused her to turn off all her feelings for me as an act of self defense for her. It seems to boil down to one night when we got physical with eachother and I hit her. Yes I did, nothing like a black eye/beat her up, but I punched her in the arm after she threw a heavy object at the back of my head. It was the worst night of my life to be honest and I dont use anything as an excuse or try to make it sound like nothing but had I not been in the darkest lace of depression that would never have happened. She knows that. She says she sees everything for what it is/was but cant help that she is afraid of me.

 

Now, this happened about a year and a half ago. and before and since nothing ever happened. Yes, durning my depression I was very angry all the time, irritable and argumentative but that all started to stop about May of this year. She said it was great that I was coming out of it and then in end of July ended the whole thing. Now it seems that the reason she cannot work on this relationship is because she "cant spend one more day of her lie scared and nervous" and the thought of living with me for one more day "makes her ill".

 

I may be a lot of things but the person I was when I will ill is NOT me and she bloody well knows it! I told her a million times that I'm sorry for the way I was. I didnt want to be like that. I struggled to get out of it on my own because she walked away from me when I needed her. I never blamed her or ever did anything to ruin the things she wanted. I told her she HAS to let all that go! once and for all, just let it go and open up to me again.."turn her feelings back on" or whatever. That our marriage has problems that are easily fixable. She says she doesnt trust me. I have NEVER lied to her, mislead her or anything like that. I felt down, I was in a dark place, I lashed out at her, I was angry, sad, lonely, worried and our living situation didnt make it any the easier with money worries and so on. But to take that 18 months and mke it the basis of our whole marriage is just bad taste! I've done everything for her, sacrificed everything for her and our family...the reson I became depressed was because of what I did to get her what she wanted.

 

She still doesnt want a divorce though. Thats a good sign. But I need to get her to leave all the go and move on with our lives in some direction and to try to fix this...

 

any advice??

[BellaDonna]

It seems that all you can do now is wait. I'm not saying you should wait for her....but it's ultimately the ball is in her court now.

 

 

It seems to boil down to one night when we got physical with eachother and I hit her. Yes I did, nothing like a black eye/beat her up, but I punched her in the arm after she threw a heavy object at the back of my head

 

Even though things have changed- it doesn't erase the past. Sometimes a person can be hurt so deeply- that when the change comes- it is too late. It sounds like some time apart is best for both of you right now.

 

My best advice would be to focus on being a caring father for your son, and to keep an open mind and open heart in regards to what the future may bring.

 

BellaDonna

[AngelOfDarknes]

i think u should just let her think, just show you care by sending her things like i dunno flower etc.... just start over be romantic and all... dont keep asking her so whats gonna happen,cuzz that just bring things backup...just show her you changed....

[DN]

Frankly I think using your depression as the reason is just an excuse to blame you for her being able to do what she wants.

 

If that were true she would have agreed to counselling.

 

I have followed your posts from the beginning - and this woman needs a wake-up call.

 

Don't fall for her manipulation - it's nonsense and your depression is absolutely no excuse for her behaviour - not at all.

[heloladies21]

She didn't break up with you because of that fight. Nobody leaves their partner over something that happens 18 months prior. It's an excuse she's using. Truth is, she just lost interest and there's no way to explain it.

[confusedashell]

Thanks all for the words!

 

I have thought that she was just using all this as an excuse to end it. I mean yes, things were hard for awhile. I was NOT easy to live with. short tempered, irritable...didnt have much interest in anything, didnt want to go out with anyone, just sat at home..kept to myself. Found it hard to even get out fo bed a lot of times. The whole depression was brought on by us moving to sweden for HER. We lived in the UK for two years and the year our son was born she was sliding into depression. I could see it. She yelled, argued everyday. complained about everything so I told her we could go to sweden. I tired everything!

 

By May I was finally coming out of my depression, after a hard struggle. And I was climbing back up. She even mentioned how great it was that things were getting better and thats the month she also signed us up for 12month subscription to cable TV. She did it because I love to watch movies and she was really happy to have gotten that for me. Then two months later its over. Ok we had other problems besdies my depression - all totally fixable! All it needed was a little time together as a couple and a little less stress in our lives and it would have been fine! But she is NOT interested to fix that. She says "maybe we can try later". She says she is so scared of me! I cant believe that at all. If she was so scared of me she would have gone a long time ago. But even the weeks before I left she was wanting us to hold eachother, have sex, sleep together, eat nice gfood together! Thats not how you are if youre scared of someone. She says shes afraid to come home incase Im angry! she says I put her down so much that I made her feel worthless! That is completely UNTRUE. Yes we argued and we maybe called eachother names, but thats arguments. Shes called me some pretty terrible things when we argued and I see them for what they are: hot air. She seems to forget the tem BILLION times I told her how great/smart/beautiful/funny she is. How special she is. How happy she makes me. They seem to be not even there for her.

 

Hell even this week: she spent all her money this month already (yes in two weeks!), I even gave her money before I left for half rent and some of the bills. Now she couldnt afford her school books. Of course shes cold as ice to me when I call her, screaming for me to leave her alone, but when she needs help and I give it to her (I gave her money for her school books : about £200) THEN shes super nice to me saying how sweet I am! That drives me insane!

 

She STILL has no clue what she wants to do with our son! Its been six weeks now and if its like she says: its been 18 months, shes had to think about this! She says she didnt think she could ever finish it, thats why she was so "normal" up until the day of this. BS! If it had been ME that wanted to finish this iut would have gone down something like this: I would have known by christmas at LATEST. The "I love yous" would have been few and maybe nothing, sex would have decreased dramatically, the distance between us would have been obvious, I would have had some plans what to do with our son, and I would have had divorce papers ready to sign and be sent away. It would have been something i thought about for a long long time and something she would have seen coming. This was nothing like that.

But anyway, she has no idea what she wants to do with our son. I called her durning the week and said we need to sort this out so she asks for more time to "think" and for me to call Thursday. I do. She wants to talk the next day instead because shes so tired and hungry. Well that drove me mad. I've been sitting here for weeks trying to talk about this and I've had enough of it being put off. so after some yelling at me she started to talk. I gave her our options:

1. We do her orignal insane plan of playing tennis with our boy for the next 9 months (one month/one country the next month/next country).

---thats now unacceptable to her. It was her idea and was always out fo the question to me.

2. He stays with her in sweden until she moves here.

---unacceptable to both of us

3. He stays here with me until she moves.

---unacceptable to both of us

4. I move back to sweden and live with her until I find a new job.

---unacceptable to her.

5. She moves here now and restarts her studies in September.

---unacceptable to her.

6. We work on our relationship. She lets the past be past and opens up again and we work on it.

---unacceptable to her.

 

I cant think of anything else to do. I'm fed up of trying. Ok she sees it like I messed all this up with my behaviour and my depression. But she has ultimatly made the mess and I am left acting like a lunatic trying to pic the pieces up and clean the mess up. She still wants no divorce: "we maybe can try this later again...I dont know if I'll ever want it...right now I dont want a relationship or to think about men".

 

I have sent her flowers, chocolates, cards, nice sms, email...over the last few weeks (stopped the end of last week) but it doesnt do any good. Shes not even the slighest interest in fixing this. Before she would haveliked all that, now it means NOTHING to her. Shes cold as ice when I do call her for whatever reason. Shes acting like we were some bf/gf for a year or something...not like we have been maried and have a life together.

 

She KNOWS how I was before my depression, she can see that man now but she keeps using the blackest part of my life as a weapon against me and us. Ive said sorry about ten million times. I cant do it anymore. I told her unless she is able to let all that go and move on then we canot have ANY type of relationship outside our son. I wont have someone use my illness against me. I'm not trivilazing anything, not trying to say I was a great husband. The last 18 months I have been terrible!!! But she should see it for what it was. Not walk away from me and throw in the towel on our marriage/family.

 

Now she wants to talk to someone outside (who neither of us know!) to ask what we should do with our!!!

 

She says shes turned her feelings off for me as a "defensive". That because she didnt fall out of love with me coz of bordeom or whatever that it could probably come back on!hahaha..BS again! Besides, its like...I could be destined to be the greatest physicist of all time, make some remarkable discoveries and so on, but uless i get involved and TRY then I'll never know or achieve anything in the world of physics! Its the same with a relationship.

 

I guess I'm burned how easily she has packed this in. I remember when her and me got together I was playing some song and she started to cry because it reminded her of her ex from about 9 months previous! Hello!! we have a son, a life and a marriage and all you can think about is school, apartments and going out! The only time I get some emotion from her is when I annoy her or irritate her which happens alot lately since I for one cannot just walk away and give this up so easily.

 

Everyone I know is telling me to forget about the divorce and give her total space and it'll all work out. The problem with that is I know its just a matter of time before I hear her say: "i met someone else, i dont have those feelings for you and i wont ever either..i know that now..I want a divorce!". I KNOW that will happen. So I have sent the divorce papers in. I cant deal with this anymore.

 

Feels like everything worked out nicely for her. She got to move home, get a nice place to live, got her studies started with my help, got to go back toher friends while I watched our sona nd worked my a.ss off and when it got too hard she bailed. I on the other hand: gave up a great job, future to move to sweden, worke din BAD jobs almost 20 hrs a day, suffered depression, lost contact with most of my mates at home, lost my place to live and have to come back to the UK and start all over again. Most of my friends have moved away and my old job is a tough one now if I can get it back. Shes all sorted and I got my life turned upsidedown. and she doesnt seem to care.

 

sorry for the rant..just needed to vent