How do you get through this ?

[TIGRONETTE]

OK, so its been 4 months and sometimes it feels like I'm through the worst, and other times I've no idea how to pull through (and feel guilty for still moping after all this time)

 

So here goes my sob story

 

 

Been with a guy for 5 years and it had been on the rocks for the last few months (on my part as well as his but I thought we'd work something out eventuallly or at least break up relatively smoothly)

 

Last week of April discovered he's been cheating on me for a week, got dumped and thrown out of our ex appartment (that we co-rented !!). He tried to make out that my self esteem problems had ruined the relationship and that he turned to her for 'affection'.

 

Turns out (this is stuff that came out later ) that he spent the whole of May wondering wether to go back to me or get with this other girl. I was unaware of all this and thought he just wanted to break up smoothly as I did.

 

Turns out that he chose to go out with her from mid June onwards. He lied to me by saying that he was still single for a couple of weeks and then that he was seeing another girl (not her) 'casually', which pissed me off but I thought, hey I can live with that . Meanwhile, a couple of friends who still see both of us (separately of course) knew all about this and lied too 'so as not to hurt my feelings' (ie he'd talked them round the time it took me to move all my stuff out as he didn't want any harm done to his possessions).

 

Mid August I managed to work all this out for myself (after months of 'where did I go wrong ?' chest beating and self analysis) and confronted one of said firends who admitted it was all true.

 

 

Obviously I have my good days and bad days, but I feel that barring physical abuse, this is just about the worst thing that can happen to anyone in a relationship. I try and hang on to whatever I can but 'bad luck' and 'he's a jerk' isn't really much comfort.

 

Got to the stage where i can function normally on a daily basis but how do people get through this kind of thing on a more long term basis ?

[skyjuice]

Hi TIGRONETTE,

 

Glad that you have found out the truth.

Well, look like you are doing fine here. Try not to see that failure of the relationship as "bad luck", it could be a blessing in a disguise.

Try to look it this way, it would be blessing to know that your ex been cheating on you than knowing it when you already put all the commitment inside--married and have children.

 

Though now it may seems bad, you never know when the next best things happen to you.

 

There is two sides of a coin, choose the bright side to see it. Then, you will feel luckier.

[obscuresin]

Luck doesn't have anything to do with it unfortunately. From what you are saying, your mutual "friends" aren't good friends. I say you need a change of scenary. When I have sorrows, I go out a lot and find motivation to make a better person of myself thinking I'm worth better than what I got.

 

Everyone has their way of looking at it. I just got dumped by my girlfriend 4 days. Have to admit, we were only going out for 2 months, but I got really attached to her. It kinda relieved me in a sense, because she was being shady. In another perspective, it's tearing me apart, and I think I'm going to fight to get her back, however I can. Must be my mazoistic side.

[TIGRONETTE]

If it's not a question of bad luck, then what is it a question of ?

 

re : mariage and having kids

definitely never wanted to get married and not sure about kids either (I'm 30 BTW) - and the fact that he kinda did but that we never talked about it much is a factor that probably led to the desintegration of the relationship (yes it DOES happen the other way round sometimes)

 

re : my friends

they genuinely thought that telling me the truth would push me over the edge - I really was in a complete state in June. The one I blame for this is my ex boyfriend who pushed them in that direction with a pretty forceful shove. This situation dented my relationship with said friends for several weeks, but now they spend a lot more time with me and are growing apart from him. One of them works in the same company as my ex (but not for very much longer) which obviously made things a lot more complicated.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

It is a question of how you response to what happen to you that makes a different.

 

Well, you face up to the problem by confronting your friend about the truth.

 

It is better that ignoring the truth and could not move on from it.

[TIGRONETTE]

Well I know the truth now, and to be quite honest, it was easier to move on when i didn't

 

now I feel like he's played me for a fool completely and all the people we used to hang out with either feel sorry for me, or are sniggering behind my back. Another really painful thing to admit is that he played on my biggest flaw (self confidence) to get what he wanted. That's something that happens to me regularly, but usually its done by people who I dislike (and its mutual) so I can see it coming. I'm apppaled that somoeone I love (loved ?) should use the same tactics.

 

Have you ever found stuff out you wish you didn't know about ?