My Best Friend.

[UT]

Oh, wish I could help but you know there are two major problems. One is a major sea, the other is that I don't know what's wrong.

 

What is it that is so life threatening? No, let me rephrase that. Could you say that he is suffering from any mental illness?

[Dau]

Not anything in particular that I know of, he's just extremely depressed due to past experiences and building feelings he's kept to himself for a long time. And after what he told me last night, I know he's definitely suicidal right now, which scares me, but he doesn't want to and I don't want to tell anyone else. It goes a bit deeper than that but I'm not repeating what he said, even though I want to extremely badly.

[nuts]

dau... wow what can i say? i stumbled upon this website when looking for someone to talk to about my own issues when i found you. it seems like you've been through a lot in such a short space of time.

 

well im glad to see that you and your friend have managed to re-establesh a relationship between the two of you. despite your own personal feelings towards him, you have been very selfless in looking after his well-being. im sorry to hear that he's having such an awful period in his life right now. he's a very lucky guy to have someone in his life that cares for him as much as you do.

 

if i could offer a little piece of advice... i cant say i know what your best friend is going through, but i can at least relate. when you seem at your wits end and that ending your life feels like the only escape left... theres nothing that can help you overcome that better than knowing that theres someone that needs you in their life. he may tell you he needs you around... he may try and push you away... but whatever, tell him that you are there for him and you arent going anywhere, you are a part of his life and you're in this together. im sure he will appreciate this more than he could say.

 

im glad you've found out for sure his sexual preference... im not so sure how but you sound pretty convinced! if he is straight your friendship must mean a lot to him, even after him realising your feelings for him. its very admirable that you're able to put that aside to be there for him.

 

as for his current state... i can only hope for both your sakes that he's able to get through it. maybe you would benefit by talking anonymously to someone about whats goin on? online or whatever. its an awful lot for you to be going through as well, especially as you're the only one he can come to.

 

i hope for the best. keep us posted with the latest.

 

ps/ i think youve successfully passed on the big-*ss posting bug...!

[UT]

Maybe you should write down your feelings about this and you might find some peace. (But write it somewhere he (or anyone else) can't get/find it.)

 

Talking to someone might be god too. Whoever you talk to you don't have to talk about your situation but another one. A hypothetical situation. This way you won't have told the person(s) about your problem but you will get indirect answers. Answers to similar situations and problem and indirectly an answer to your own problem.

 

(Just evolving on nuts's idea)

[nuts]

hey dau if you're out there and reading this... drop us a post. hope everything is okay.

[Dau]

Things havn't really changed, I havn't talked to him much because he's had stuff going on at home and hasn't been able to leave the house or anything, so.. eh. I have him in my class tomorrow, we'll see. I need to call him and tell him something important though.

[Dau]

Oh wow. He said something quite awesome to me about fifteen minutes ago. He was being really hyper and dominate-like, and when we got to my house he said "okay get out now!!!" and I replied "you're being really controlling, why?

 

He then says "because I want to, so there. get out!" (he was just being his weird self though, he wasn't mad).

 

So I jokingly reply, "yeesh, how mean. you must hate me!" and he says "yes, I hate you!". So I get out of the van and close the door, then he shouts out *really* loud (if neighbors were outside they'd clearly hear him) "I LOVE YOU!!". That totally surprised me, but made me feel good, even if he doesn't necessarily love me the same way I love him.

 

I don't know, I still think he might have feelings for me, and just might be starting to develop them. I need to be careful though, he's emotionally fragile at this point in his life (well just about anyone is, but especially in his situation). I'll keep y'all updated.

[UT]

That sound great! I'm happy for you.

[Dau]

Argh. He couldn't drive me home today because he has band sectionals every tuesday now, and next tuesday is my birthday. How saddening. It'll be a lonely b-day for me Oh well..

[UT]

You could always follow him to his band thingamajig

[Dau]

I can't unless I'm in band, I'd just be a distraction. So no.. I'm not gonna wait outside 2 hours in 100º weather.

 

Nothing interesting happened today *except* he and I went to EB games after school, poked arond at games. I noticed the Playboy Mansion game and jokingly pointed it out, saying that we have it for PS2 because my dad wanted to get it.

 

He got all excited asking if we could play it, and I said we might be able to when my parents aren't home. Heh, this *might* get interesting.. maybe this weekend?

[nuts]

hahaha i'll keep my fingers crossed for ya

[Dau]

Hmm found out my parents work late tomorrow *cough*

[UT]

Viel glück! Lycka till! Good luck! (That was good luck in all languages I know) I'll keep the fingers crossed too

[Dau]

I had the plan of returning the "I love you!" from Monday, by saying that to him in the truck or something today; I didn't quite get the right moment, nor did he come over yesterday or today, but he wanted me to get him a dr. pepper before he left so I did, and as I handed it to him I said "I give this through love" and he laughed.

 

Then when he told me to lock the truck door, I locked it then shut it saying "Love ya!" and he grinned and shook his head a bit. Not much, but it's cute.

 

I know it may seem like I post when just about anything happens but every little bit counts

[UT]

Well, at least I am still interested about your situation so keep on posting updates.

[Dau]

*sigh*

 

You know, life sucks. It does. I've figured out on my own that he's straight. I can't change that. I've also figured out that I don't hardly like women at all anymore, and thus I now declare myself gay. I guess all this time I've been wishing I could like both, to at least be half normal (even though it shouldn't matter anyways). But I'm gay.

 

He said he would probably never associate with me again if I ended up gay, and if I ended up straight he would 'help' me. But this is the day I told him I was bi, within half an hour afterword, and we've been through a lot; that considered he probably has changed his mind.

 

My birthday was yesterday (please don't tell me happy birthday, it wasn't happy at all because I wouldn't let it be). I didn't want anything for my birthday. Not really anyways. I'd be fine if I got no presents at all.

 

However, there is one sole thing I wanted for my birthday, something I can't have, something that you can't put a pricetag on. I wanted to be with my best friend. I guess what triggered this thought is that he couldn't drive me home on my birthday because he had a band sectional, and that kinda hurt me. It also hurts me when he's walking down the halls at school talking with a girl. It might not be much, but I don't think I could be in more pain once he gets a girlfriend. Just another thing I'll have to deal with..

 

Because he's suicidal though, I'm afraid of telling him all this. I'm afraid of hurting him. I don't know how he'll respond, and in a way I don't want to know. But I don't see it being a good response.

 

So since Monday night, I've been heavily depressed. I've regretting having feelings for him, for being capable of thinking, for being human. And in a way I just want to be 'normal' like everyone else, to like the opposite sex and not have to worry about whether my feelings are right or not.

 

The past year or two I've been acceptant of who I am, but because of my best friend and my feelings for him, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel that all I've done is freak him out and make him think things that he could possibly try harming himself because he's confused. I really don't want to put him through this anymore. But to do that I've have to erase my existence from his life, and theres no good way to do that. I just have to deal with it, he just has to deal with it. And the process of doing so is scary and difficult.

 

So, with all that, my feelings have shot me down to a new low. I've been so speechless in how I feel that I'm almost numb in the negative sense. And anytime I try thinking about it, all I can feel is pain. I love him, but I know he won't love me back in the same way. And yet, I feel selfish because I'm so concerned about my own feelings and not his.

 

But I can't control how I feel; how I feel is how I feel, theres no denying it. If I suppress my feelings, it'll hurt me. And if I express them I'll just hurt him. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't simply be patient, because over time I start thinking about things, and thinking just hurts. Anything I take action on is significant toward him, and I'm scared of what the end result will be. It can't be good, I know that. But knowing that I won't be loved back in the same way, it makes me feel alone, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve my feelings.

 

Thinking about all this has made me depressed, and everyone can tell. My teachers, my friends, my parents. More importantly, my best friend noticees the most. And he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong when he drove me home today. I could tell it was hurting him because he wanted to help but I wouldn't let him, and he stated that. He probably felt I was rejecting him, he was saying I could tell him anything. But I felt if I said anything that all I would do is hurt him, and I don't want to hurt him. I really don't. However not telling him and just keeping quiet is hurting me and hurting him as well. He probably thought he couldn't trust me if I didn't talk to him. And I can understand that. He just wanted to help, and I wouldn't let him.

 

But I did let him know why I'm depressed. Not by telling him, but by writing a letter ahead of time, and giving it to him when we got to my house. He immediately opened up the letter and started reading it. Seeing that, I cried as I left his truck and went inside. I feel like it was the worst thing I ever did to a person.

 

Since I'm on dialup and he's probably in shock right now, to know that I'm gay, that I'm still in love with him, and that I'm hurt because of him even though it's not his fault, he probably won't call, and even if he did he'd just get a busy signal since my connection is taking up the phoneline. Tomorrow I have a class with him in Chemistry, and we have lunch together. But I think I might avoid him, simply because I don't want to face it, and he probably doesn't either.

 

I feel cruel, and it hurts. All I've felt in the past week is pain, and it's all come from my feelings, my thoughts, all created from myself. This is why I regret being capable of thinking, and this is why I regret who I am. Regret doesn't change anything though, it just adds to my feelings, and only for the worse. I'm in a state where I don't want to feel better because I can't see how things can be worse or better. They just are. All I can see now is negativity, pain, and anguish. This is my life, and I must deal with it. It's just so hard to deal with..

[UT]

Not liking women anymore in a sexual way isn't that bad actually. When I started feeling that I wasn't interested in girls anymore it came as a chock and I was frightened. Thinking "oh my god! I'm a freak." But then I came to terms with and I don't see it as a curse anymore.

 

Now I see it all as something good. I see it as a gift. Anything that makes us different from the general population is a gift.

 

We can't control our feelings they control us. thereforeeee we can't help what we're feeling. Sometimes we can resist but most of the time resistance is futile. Our feelings are right and normal. The majority just can't see it yet. Love is a subjective value thereforeeee it's up to every individual to decide for themselves, what right and wrong is according to them. Nothing is really true unless it is to you.

 

Thinking about all this has made me depressed, and everyone can tell. My teachers, my friends, my parents. More importantly, my best friend noticees the most

 

Consider yourself lucky. My friends never ever notice when I'm upset and depressed. I don't really have contact with my teachers unless I'm in class. My parents… I don't have contact with my father. Haven't had I years. My mother never notices anything. Maybe she could start suspect that maybe I am gay If I had and brought home a boyfriend. Knowing if I was depressed or not is just way too much to ask. Besides I really don't want to tell her. I want to tell my friends but as stated before they never discovers that I am depressed they just see me as someone with a heart of stone, unable to love. They don't really care either… I think if someone ever asks me "what's the matter" I automatically answer "nothing" and they go "okay" and that's that.

 

Tomorrow I have a class with him in Chemistry, and we have lunch together. But I think I might avoid him, simply because I don't want to face it, and he probably doesn't either.

 

You could let him make that decision. You have already opened up to him. Now you can do nothing but wait for him to take action

 

Regret what you are? Why regret what you can't change and how can you regret what you did not do?

[Dau]

Apparently he thinks emotions are controlled by us except for depression. And thus he thinks my condition is my fault, and that I have to fix myself, and that I'm in no condition to talk to him anymore. We decided, we're not friends anymore.

 

Now I want nothinh more in this world than to just die becacubg of the pain I'm in right now. I've hd nervous breakdowns all day, and right now I can't stop crying. The emoptional pain Ive got at thmeomnt is worse than any pain I've ever exerienced.

 

It's because of this pain that I wish I didn't have moetions, and I regfet being human. I don't want to feel any,ore, I just want to die.

[nuts]

im so sorry to hear what happened. i know that anything i could say right now wont change anything for you. so just know that if you ever need to talk it out, there's people here who want to listen and help in any way thay can. myself included.

 

if he thinks that emotions are easily controlled than he is deluded. from what i gather, he of all people should get that its not that simple. depression is just one from a long list of emotions that can be overwhelming. there are some things that you just cannot change. your sexuality is one of those things. it is a part of who you are and you should never, ever change that for anyone.

 

if this guy is the friend you claim he is, he should be able to understand you. admittedly, it can be very daunting knowing someone feels a certain way if you dont feel the same way back. you did the right thing by letting him know. it wouldve eaten you up inside never telling him the truth about yourself. if this has cost you your friendship than perhaps it is for the best. as difficult as this may be to hear, maybe it would be easier for you both in the long run. the people you keep closest to you need to be the ones who accept you and love you for who you are, not everything but the part of yourself you feel forced to hide.

 

i hope that what happened can be fixed. the relationship you two share is a special one, dont give up on it. give each other some space for a while if you can. when you feel able, talk to him about it, see if things cant be made better. try and see things from his point of view, then make sure he can see yours as well. i really hope that things can be reconciled.

 

pm me if you need to talk it over, id be happy to lend an ear. take care. x

[Dau]

Right now I just feel like I'm not able to have a best friend at all. Or ever love anyone because I'll just hurt them in the end. Or ever be loved. Because no one has ever told me that had a crush on me, and I've never caught anyone checking me out. Simply because I'm not worth it.

 

It's my fault for loving him, and it's my fault for having any emotions at all.

[nuts]

you cant let yourself think this way. it is so much easier to feel like crap than to pick yourself up again and get on with life. i know, this is easier said than done. hell ive lived like it for the past 5 years and still find it difficult to do so most of the time. but youve got to remember that youve been through this kind of thing before. you got through it before, you can get through it again.

 

unfortuanately for some of us, these things happen. we're not always the one being told that their the object of someone else's affections, or even the one being checked out. but we have to remember its not because we're not worth it. feeling like this can only make a bad situation worse. sometimes thats what you want, but when it comes down to it you know its not. and remember, how long did it take you to be honest with your friend about how you felt? others feel the same. for all you know, theres a whole bunch of guys, girls or whatevers in between stealing glances at you when youre not looking. you had the courage to confront your feelings, not all people can do that.

 

im sorry to be so unforgivably cliche, but remember: "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". and not to mention, knowing someone feels that way about you is (i imagine) an amazing feeling to experience, be it from someone you feel mutual about or a relative stranger. your friend loves you no matter what has happened. i would guess he is more in shock now than anything else. you cant just throw away feelings like the ones you two shared.

 

dont ever blame yourself for loving someone. imagine a life where you couldnt love. im sure its not something you would wish for.

[UT]

My main reason for being here is so that I can help. it might seem selfish. I come here to help people so that I can feel good inside. But the thing is that you guys are the only ones I CAN help because I know how it is, how it feels. I'm in the middle of it myself. So if you ever need to tell someone about anything just make a topic about it. I'm on the forum at least twice a day. If anyone posts anything in the homo section I will read and try to help. For this is my domain.

 

 

Ok, depression is the only thing you can't control. You could tell him: (something like this) "my unanswered feelings for you are causing me depression." maybe he says: "stop being in love with me then" and you: "no can do, can change the past. What has happened has happened."

 

try to make him realise that we can't control any of our feelings. If we could do that, then you probably wouldn't have been in love with him, right?

 

If we could control our feelings there wouldn't have been any depression. We could have been able to indirectly take away our depression by changing other feelings. Feelings that triggered the depression.

 

Love can be a reason to be depressed when it goes unanswered. Take away your love feelings for that person and the depression could not exist. There's always a reason to why we are depressed, always.

[Dau]

Being around to help others so you can feel better isn't really selfish, because you're helping others while simultaneously helping yourself. If only everyone was like that, this world would be much better. Meh..

 

As for me, I think I'm going to spend a few weeks thinking about how emotions exist. Philosophical research on them, if you will. How they work, why we have them, how people respond to them, what happens when people do certain things with them, etc. I want to broaden my views on emotions so I can understand them better.

 

Since we're not really friends anymore (or at least putting our friendship on hold) and it's too much of a type-full to refer to him now, I'm gonna just use his name from now on. I think it'd be safe to do so. And twice before I've accidently typed out his name in my posts, which have been edited out. But now I'm going to use his name, since I think it'd be okay.

 

Drew's views on emotions are very shallow, probably because of his mixed beliefs, and self-denial. I really do think that he's denying something very important about himself, maybe not his sexuality; maybe his views on the world, or something. I don't know, but I really think he's denying the truth about something, and he's keeping it locked inside.

 

From my experience, if anyone ever keeps emotions to themself, it's going to harm them in some way. Retaining anger causes massive stress on the body and often causes people to do things they don't normally do. Repressing any emotion causes it to build and grow inside until you go mad or it bursts out of you, or you become depressed because your emotions, feelings, and ideas drain away all the positive stuff in you.

 

Also from my experience, depression usually is caused by constant negativity in a person's life, or a life-shattering experience. In most cases though theres denial or shame involved, which is why I think Drew is hiding something from himself. I don't think having bad grades a lot and never having a girlfriend is bad enough for a person to be suicidal, there HAS to be something else..

 

Drew thinks emotions and feelings are fully controllable by a person. In some respect that might be possible with meditation and such, but for 99% of people I don't think people can control them. He makes an exception for depression, that it's a chemical imbalance in the body, and that he's okay but yet he thinks I have no reason to be depressed. Basically, he's denying having any problems, and puts the blame on me. Ugh.

 

A chemical imbalance doesn't happen for no reason. It's probably a restructure of the body and mind's processing of emotions and feelings from a massive/chronic change and repeated thoughts. Living beings have their ways to evolve and adapt to changes. Such as if the world becomes 20 degrees colder around the entire globe, people would probably start growing hair more/faster. Or the bacteria in the world becoming stronger and more resistant to anti-bacterial stuff because we're constantly using lotions, soaps, etc on everything to get rid of bacteria when we really don't need to. They evolve to combat things. Our immune system gets used to diseases when it learns how to combat them. That is evolution and adaption.

 

So a chemical imbalance in the body, how does that happen? I havn't done proper research yet, although I plan to in the next few weeks. My theory is that when constantly bad things happen in a person's life, like them being socially and physically abused at school, that person starts losing hope in things getting better because they only (seem to) get worse. The body starts 'forgetting' happy emotions, and rebuilds itself to accept negative emotions more since they're more frequent. It's like a pipeline system to the body, each different emotion having its own pipe. "If the good pipes are never used, why have them? Get rid of them and make room for the negative ones! Make the negative ones bigger so they can accept larger flows! Quick, before one of the pipes break!" That's how I see the body works and responds. And as such, it changes chemical balance and composition in the body to compensate for these changes as well.

 

Then there's Drew's idea that love can simply vanish if we spend less time together. Uh, I think not. It would take extremes for me to stop loving him. The only reason I 'stopped' loving him for a few days is because he pretty much betrayed me, and all I could think is "how could I love a person that would do this to me?". Love isn't about sex. It's not about spending time with someone, although that can amplify it. Love is about caring about a person, wanting to be with them, liking them like no other, and understanding that person far more than others. You want to share your emotions with them. And the reason why love is retained is probably because thinking about when you loved that person, it made you happy. Being happy is something no one should not want. And as such, happy feelings are retained, and desired. But onward..

 

Often on the news or shows like Oprah/Montel/whatever, you can watch and see these marriages that are so screwed up, yet the abused wife still loves her husband, even if he hits her all the time. Love is not an emotion that comes and goes. Well, maybe it is for some people, but for most it's almost permanent. You love a person because your body's network of opinions aligns with the others', and when you love a person, you love the person you fell in love with. A woman (or man, whatever.. funny I'm talking about a straight couple where the woman is abused even though this is a gay/bi/trans board.. although often that's the case) still loves the person she fell in love with, and has hopes t hat her spouse/boyfriend/whatever (I'm trying to be broad here) will return to what they once were. Or in cases like my parents, she refuses to divorce because she doesn't believe in it, and puts up with the bad stuff. And, they often deny that theres anything wrong, that he's actually good and that they love him. Such is the complications of relationships.

 

One of the examples that Drew tried pulling out of his *** is if someone says really stupid stuff that annoys you, you have control over your emotions to not turn around and punch that person. No, you don't have control over your anger. You have control over what you DO with it. You don't choose to be angry, your body does that for you. And let me explain another theory I have about how that works.

 

Why do people get angry at little things like someone calling another person a bad name or saying something generally stupid and ignorant? Why should you care what they say? Well, let's see. Personally I hate it when people quote stuff from the movie Napolean Dynamite. I hate that movie, it proves how stupid people can be. It's not even close to funny, I have no emotion toward it except "This is so boring and stupid, and it almost insults my capability of having intelligence. Please drown me in a bucket That's my feelings toward that movie. So when someone quotes something from it to be funny, it annoys me because it reminds me of it, and it makes me wonder why they think it's funny, and I also wonder how they can be so stupid. But them being stupid is my opinion. Emotions are built on a network of opinions threaded in our mind, and it's like sending electricity through a circuit. Where that electricity ends up going depends on the network of circuitry it goes through, and how much electricity there is.

 

We don't just HAVE emotions for no apparent reason, we have them because we build up opinions and let ideas intwine to formulate an emotion: a way to respond to the outside world and to ourselves. Our opinions come from our intelligence, our way of questioning things, and accepting things. Facts that we build in this world and teach in schools, we teach them to kids, and the kids usually accept them. Those that try and question it really can't because the facts are proven, and theres nothing left to question. But as you get older and things taught are more complicated, theres usually holes to look through, questions still to ask.

 

This topic is supposed to be about Drew, and still is. But I need to analyze emotions for personal gain, to understand Drew, and possible to help him. I really think he's keeping something inside, and I aim to help him figure out what it is, possibly dealing with it. He just needs to understand that emotions are not simple, and love is the mother of complicated emotions. I just hope he doesn't do anything bad while I try and figure things out. Oh, and while I'm researching emotions, I'm going to try and stablize my own.

[UT]

Emotions are bigger than we think. Emotions control everything we do. Emotions always play some role in how we act. We have sex because we feel a need to do so. We got to buy milk because we feel a need to do so too. Hate is also a feeling and that feeling is also VERY hard to control.

 

ok, now me wanna quote something: "what is hate but love tortured by it's own hunger" -- don't remember

 

I whish you the best of luck and hope that your next post will be a happier one and that you've reached a little more enlightment.