Married - but no sexual attraction any more

[kamadev292004]

hello,

I was married to my wife a month ago. Before the marriage , we used to workout and although my wife is a little on the heavier side, the fact that she was doing something to reduce it looked promising.

After the marriage, the workouts have stopped. I still workout and try to look and feel good for her. But the same is not reciprocated.

I am not attracted to her sexually anymore. I dont want to have sex with her anymore.

I love her because she is a wonderful person and has a sweet charming face and smile.

But she is gaining weight and I do not want to have any sexual contact. I do not even get aroused when she holds me or strips. For everyone around, the marriage has made everyone happy, except me.

When I did point out that she was adding weight and had stopped working out, she said "i did not ask you to change , so do not ask me to change"

I believe every person has a reason for behaving the way they do, thereforeeee i do not argue with her about that. But i am not happy. Sexually unsatisfied and often hate going out with her, because when i see slim women out there, I feel i have made a big mistake.

Is it wrong to feel this way? getting attracted to slim women because the woman you are with is not sexually attractive anymore? Is it wrong on my part to seek an end to the relationship if i am not happy?

I do not want her to change her ways for me, because she is happy doing what she is doing.

For me, of course, I havent had sex for the last one month because of this....( and this is just the second month of marriage!!!!!)

-KD

[questionmark]

umm well i wouldnt really kno how u feel too much im not attracted to overweight or even just chubby ppl but if u cant get over it then tell her be nice and just let her kno how u feel

[OceanEyes]

The dynamic of marriage is something that I can't offer insight on - I'm in a serious and committed relationship, but marriage is definitely far off. However, in this case I still think that the principle is the same.

 

If, after only a month of marriage, you're finding it difficult to want to have sex with your wife, get out before things get worse. They will not get better.

 

Do you honestly expect her to work out for the rest of her life, just so that you'll want to have sex with her? I'm not saying that you're wrong for finding a slimmer figure more desirable, but I don't think that it's realistic to expect this woman to work out constantly just so that you'll find her attractive and want to have sex.

 

It doesn't seem that you love her unconditionally. If you really loved her, it wouldn't matter that she was a few pounds overweight. That alone should tell you that the relationship you have with her might be a bit superficial and unrealistic in a long-term sense.

 

You've already tried talking to her about this, and it seems that she already resents you for trying to "change her". This is bad news for a brand-new marriage. If you're already having sexual issues after having only been married for a month, then picture what life will be like in 5 years? 10 years?

 

Just out of curiosity, how long did you date her before marrying her? And, did you discuss the weight issue at length before you asked her to marry you?

[kamadev292004]

i know that if i tell her i will see her weep and cry and i dont want to hurt her. I used to jokingly mention that she has a tummy now....but she took offense to that and asked why I had married her and if i thought t was a mistake. although i do feel it is a mistake, i do not want to say it outright and get her crying. i am trying to balance what i feel against her being happy. id rather she hate me for something i do and leave me...but i know she loves me a lot...but cant accept me asking her to workout and reduce her weight coz i want a slim girl in bed.

do i be honest with her? and risk her crying now? or end up cheating and make her hate me and then break up?...a break up seems inevitable...

-KD

[rionmccloud]

Okay, this is ridiculous. Married two months and thinking divorce? What the effin hell man?!

 

Talk to her. That's all you can do. Two months isn't long enough to consider a divorce. At least try talking to her, for god's sake. Not only is it a physical thing, but you should be concerned for her health as well. Tell her you are. Unless she's put on lots and lots of weight in the last two months I don't understand this.

 

I mean di you just say "Getting kind of fat there?" or what? Talk to her. Say "Hey, honey, I'm working out and I think it'd be great if you'd do it with me." Be nice about it. You don't have to say everything on your mind, as this will likely hurt her feelings. Just encourage her to work out WITH you, and do this as a couple. Otherwise it's almost rude, and VERY superficial.

[melrich]

I'd have to say I think OceanEyes has hit the nail on the head. This issue so early in the marriage will only get worse.

 

You cannot help your feelings so there is not much point just grinning and bearing it for the next 30 years or so.

 

You need to tell you wife how you are feeling. She should then be given an opportunity to be part of the solution whatever that may be. Don't just bury it.

[kamadev292004]

oceaneyes..i dated her for a year and she was slim then..remember she was working out with me...somehow the days 30 days before the marriage and the days after the marriage now, with all the festivities and food, and eating out ....things have changed.

its like a switch was turned on and she added weight....in fact even before the marriage, i did make it clear i was not comfortable with women who are not slim. no offence meant to them...its just a personal preference.

 

-KD

[OceanEyes]

You are entitled to your personal preference, I don't think that anyone would disagree with that. I have some of my own as well, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

However, in this case, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If she doesn't want to work out, you can't force her to. And would you really want to bully someone into getting their rear end to the gym every day? I mean come on, who wants to live like that? It seems like she's going to feel hurt when you critique her appearance - and by the sounds of it you already have if she's crying about it. Telling a woman she "has a tummy" is just bad manners and will obviously break her heart. No offence intended!

 

I hate to say it, but if you two can't find some way of reaching a compromise, then there is absolutely no hope in this marriage lasting. Sex is absolutely vital in any relationship - some people would argue with that, but I believe it 100%. Sex will always be a conditional act for her - she has to work out and stay in shape in order for you to have sex with her. That's bad. Doesn't exactly sound like a match made in heaven, does it?

[kamadev292004]

Thank you all for the responses.i completely agree with oceaneyes bout the importance of sex.....i have experienced it first hand .....for all those who argue that sex is not important. Love her yes i do, but i dont want to have sex with her. I care for her, make sure everything is in order for her, do the dishes and help her cook when i can. But sex if the only thing I cannot imagine doing with her these days.

I will probably speak to her about this, but if she still doesnt agree, i think this match is - as oceaneyes put it - not made in heaven....it might end.Not sure what i was thinking....or was blinded by...why did she switch roles so quickly after the marriage - as though her job was done once she got married and now everything would be hunky dory with her not doing exactly as she was doing before the marriage.

I wanted to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her with the both of us doing exactlty what we were because that made us happy. But a change in lifestyle so quickly after the marriage, has caught me by surprise....btw i did joke about a lot of things in life. even with about my tummy showing if i didnt workout...or when she joked about it....life was good....before she started adding pounds..

 

-KD

[OceanEyes]

I've known of some people who completely let themselves go when in a relationship/ marriage. It's unfortunate, and it usually doesn't happen until years after. It's sad that you already have to deal with this reality, but also may be a blessing in disguise, if you know what I mean?

 

Don't grin and bear it if you simply can't. You won't be doing her, or yourself any favours.

[Tigris]

Is it possible that she is pregnant and she doesn't know it?

 

Even if she's on the pill that can lose it's strength when she's slightly ill. Even having a cold can affect it.

 

If this isn't the answer then maybe she's putting on weight because she isn't happy with the marriage. The only way you're going to find out is by talking to her.

 

Finally, I can't believe that you went into marriage without thinking about the long term consequences it was going to have on you. A marriage is a commitment that is supposed to last for life. The couple are supposed to

think of what their relationship is going to be like in the future. What it's going to be like when they're old, e.g. companionship, etc. It's what's on the inside that counts. The outside is just the wrapping paper!

[spiderman_56]

Once i had that subject and said the staight hard cold truth. , if i can't look at my gf and find her attractive and charming , we got a big BIG problem because as 'trivial' women will always say, it affects everything , the way you look at her , the way you speak to her , the way you react and worst there is this un-easy feeling about physical contact , the whole relation is on a question mark ...

 

and after it's the "You don't love me like you used to " .. duh ...isn't that *beep* obvious ....

 

and that's not even making a comment about pshycological problems related to poor self image

 

Well ... my answer is even you love her and are willing , if she does not shape quickly , the countdown for the end has already begun ...

 

Screw the 'I don't want to hurt her feelings' , tell her straight up and if she is wise enugh , both of you can get things on the rail

[Cadence308]

I agree with what other posters have said. It sounds like your current wife may have deceived you. She did and acted one way before you got married like working out and now she won't have anything to do with it. This is definitely a problem in the relationship. You need to talk to her and tell her that you don't understand why she's changed and that working out together was one of the things that you loved doing with her and why. I wouldn't broach the subject in terms of her gaining weight. I just think that is really superficial and even though it's true, it can scar her for life.

[goddess23]

DECEIVED YOU! HA wowwww you all are living in a fantasy world. sorrry but okay i agree yes this is a quick change however its not thatttt BIG OF A CHANGE. i mean its not like you just found out shes a serial killer. come on, this is ridiculous. sorry again i mean i totally agree with one of the posters i mean several that yes physical attraction is very important and sex is very importatn. but i cannnot comprehend that your feelings will change so dramatically after a few pounds. i mean what if she got pregnant with your child, would you no longer be attracted to her? is it her apperance or her motivation thats relaly bothering you? i agree if you are feelings this way then it looks like you should get out-damned if you do damned if you dont so might as well do whats best for you. but really i would not be very understanding in her position, maybe you find that it is justified considering the converstaions that you had before the marriage. but really i think you should maybe try some conselling and talk to her seriously even if it hurts, it will hurt more if you just "randomly" dont want to have sex anymore. look i wish you luck i have truly never heard of something like this im a bit shocked to tell you the truth. and no it doesnt make you a bad person but a vain one yes. hey im vain...many people are, most people are. but this seems serious, im really wondering exactly how much of a weight gain this was! but honestly she did not deceive you. you were living in a fantasy world if you thought she would stay thin for even a year!

[Joe19999]

I agree with Goddess. Perhaps it is an issue with you and not about her.

[lisica]

Well said Goddess!!

 

Come on, she dated you for a year, you were perfectly attracted to her(?), next you promise her "for better or for worse", and a month later you are not attracted to her at all anymore because she gained weight. I think many of us are curious to know how much weight she actually gained!

 

If I was in her position, I would be on to you pretty quick. I can assure you that instead of you, it would be me having a hot affair with someone who *does* appreciate. You do not deserve this woman's love and devotion *at all*.

[Stari]

OceanEyes' words are worth contemplating on.

 

Your wife does not seem very motivated to keep her tummy in check. Ponder what consequences this would have on her tummy after any future kids.

 

There are dark clouds in the distance also: Any woman who stops ovulating will be prone to store fat on her belly just like men have always done. Unless she already has good weigh-controlling habits by then, things will get worse.

 

In general, as time goes by, the metabolism of both men and women will drop slightly every year. Not being prepared to counteract this by decreasing your energy uptake will result in... The Return of Tummy.

 

I wonder if your wife ever enjoyed working out. Did she workout alone before you met her? Did she workout even when you did not join her?

 

If you are superficial, then that makes two of us. Tummy is not a turn on.

[becca]

Wow, I can't believe how much you have decieved yourself. Though I have marriage troubles, I have never ever had anyone tell me they were leaving me because I had put on weight. Hate to tell you this, but we all change. Oh, and guess what? Someday you will too, you wont beautiful forever- as the say beauty is only skin deep.

My advice- get out now. Don't hurt her, don't tell her you want to be divorced because she put on weight, just divorce for unreconsilable differences. My God. Put yourself in her shoes- um, honey we need to talk... i think this isnt working out because you put on a couple pounds and im not attracted to you. Thanks for caring more about me and less about yourself, thanks for taking the time from the gym and spending it on taking care of our home and marriage.

Hate to say it buddy- and I feel strongly for your wife- you are SELFISH. Why in the H#** did you even go through with it? Yes, my husband and i have issues, but never once have they been because you dont look the way you did when we met. Of course we don't.

You should do some soul searching of your own, I think it may be a self confidence issue with you. Maybe you are scared to put on weight and have fear of other women not looking at you. But she isn't out looking at other men. And worried if they find her attractive. No. This is about you buddy. Please don't hurt her and tell her something that cruel.

Unfortunately, this time, the saying is true- "it's not you , it's me." And then go do something to get your mind off of weight and onto finding a companion and someone new to love. Chances are, your little tummy giggle - have already done your deed.

[RayKay]

Yikes.

 

Okay, well, we all have preferences, it is hard to change those at will. Presumably when you married your wife, it was intended to be through better or for worse, however I guess also you cannot truly be faulted for having an expectation that on her side, given her lifestyle before you dated her, that she would also keep on her side those expectations.

 

I wonder if she ever really enjoyed working out, or did it because she felt she HAD to, due to your own beliefs, and because she wanted you to choose to be with her...

 

I know personally for me, I am very athletic and work out regularly because I honestly ENJOY it. Sure there is a perk in that it keeps me in good shape and healthy, but I don't do it FOR my partner, I do it for me, and for both my mind and body. If she never truly enjoyed it, she may have decided to quit it more recently after the pressure felt "off" on her OR, it may even be a self-sabotage in a sense in testing YOUR commitment to her. It may even be her way of avoiding sex..

 

I know a couple women whom worked out very hard to fit into their wedding dresses, but right after quit going to the gym and working out entirely....some people just never make keeping fit and eating well part of their lifestyle.

 

I don't know, I am torn here. I think you do have some responsibility to work things through with her, perhaps find out what she LIKES to do, and incorporate those - perhaps there are activities she would enjoy that would also keep her fit. However on the other hand, I DO also believe that partners should have a responsibility not just to keep themselves healthy for their partners - but for themselves. I don't know....its not just an appearance factor, though that is one too. I mean, there are plenty of people who can keep themselves healthy and fit through pregnancy, after pregnancy, into menopause - so I don't think blaming those issues on not being healthy is very valid either. Yes there are illnesses that would preclude some things, but you do what you can.

 

Working out, eating well - its not just what it does for your body, someone whom is healthy also seems more vital, has a greater attitude, deals with stress better, lives longer, generally are happier...

 

I also just don't agree with people "deceiving either". If she was working out regularly, gave you the premise she took care of her health and her body...well, I don't think it is right to "let it all go" right afterwards. Sure marriage is through "thick and thin" (sorry for the pun) but...it to me is almost like someone faking whom they are just to catch the guy/girl and then the truth comes out afterwards. If she is letting it go NOW, yes, time will creep up.

 

I'd say you should talk about it honestly with her...sit down and let her know how you feel right now. Sure it will hurt, but well, communication is vital - welcome to marriage! It does not have to be done meanly...let her know you have not been feeling as sexual lately, and you want to figure out why and work on it together (see, you did not tell her you were unattracted to HER). See what her response is.

 

In sum though, sex is important. So is intimacy and attraction to your partner - not just in body, but mind & soul. If you aren't feeling it, I'd say it might be time to leave now. A lack of intimacy is terribly destructive on a relationship. I believe that being compatible sexually is JUST as important as mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

 

Be forewarned though...she may go back to gym after you leave to look better again for the next person, so it could be a never ending cycle.

[Iceman26]

The bottom line is you should have talked to your wife about your feelings in regards to physical appearance & attractiveness before you got married.

 

However, that aside, you need to nip this in the bud right away.

 

Your body changing with age and a pregnancy is one thing. That can't be helped (unless you have plastic surgery).

 

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with her and tell her how you feel about her weight gain, and its effect on you and your attractiveness to her physically. She will be upset, but if she is a good wife she will listen and respond to your concerns. If she won't do anything about it and is happy being who she is, then I would get out of the marriage now because you both want different things out of the marriage and didnt discuss them prior to getting married.

[becca]

I just feel bad for his wife. Why be with someone and expect them stay the same forever?

I think it was lisica that said, do you expect her to go to the gym forever?

As time goes on bodies change- you loose lasticity and things happen. Take it from someone in the medical world- i see all different variations of bodies. fat skinny tall short round lop-sided - this woman already has reserves of her own, she doesnt need some man to tell her she isnt attractive.

i think he should let go and let her find someone who truly cares about her INSIDE & OUT.

 

You are only lieing to yourself.

[Iceman26]

I just feel bad for his wife. Why be with someone and expect them stay the same forever?

 

A month and forever are two different things.

 

Being lazy and letting yourself go a month after you get married is something else. Granted, she is probably feeling comfortable and happy now that she is married, but a case could be made to say his wife is being selfish, because we all know that heavier people are more of a health rish than healthier people who get regular exercise.

 

So instead of watching her weight to ensure a happier and healthier lifestyle (not to mention a happier husband), she is throwing back twinkies and big mac's and expects her husband to be happy about her sudden weight gain? Come on.

[OceanEyes]

So instead of watching her weight to ensure a happier and healthier lifestyle (not to mention a happier husband), she is throwing back twinkies and big mac's and expects her husband to be happy about her sudden weight gain? Come on.

 

There is some definite truth to this. I can understand anyone being worried that their partner was letting themself go only a month into the marriage. It would be the same if a man I married was once very considerate and honest, and after a month into a marriage started to change into an inconsiderate liar.

 

When I look at my man, I don't think that there are many men who can come close to how hot he is, but I wonder if I would feel the same if he suddenly started packing on pounds. Going up and down a bit through different periods of one's life is one thing .. when you see someone who used to work out and look great (which was probably one of the things drawing you to that person in the first place), start to let that go .. well .. I just can't say how I would react.

 

This is quite a dilemma. I hope that you can find peaceful resolution with your wife kamadev.

[bluerthanblue]

I have the same problem (one month after marriage). worse is that we don't have divorce here in our country. and we were married in the church via a roman catholic rites. i also do not want to hurt her because I love her and she has been so nice to me (we dated or she was a girlfriend for 2 years) so i know i will feel guilty if i get to hurt her. but i am just not attracted (imagine, i dont get a hard-on anymore even trying to concentrate or even if she does a lot of different things to me!) to her anymore. suddenly i wish she's a totally different person. what should i do? please help!

[dada]

Please, correct me if I'm wrong. In your marriage vows, did you or did you not say, and I quote, "for better or worse?" I don't know for sure becuase I wasn't invited and subquently didn't attend. Or, were your vows different. However, did you make a simular commitment?

 

Also, your new bride was probably a little heavy when you married her. Is that correct? If so, it's not like you went to work and when you returned home the misses gained 50lbs.

 

Hey Man, my wife is as skinny as a rail and has no butt what so ever. But she's my wife and she didn't have a butt when I married her. This is going to be awful butt, when the lights are off, "poontang is poontang." The difference is in your love for her.

 

My point is enjoy your wife for who she is and not what you think she should be. Think about this, you may not be her ideal man. The thought of that hurts huh? Go home and make love to your wife right now!!

 

dada