Question about cheating

[SeaBisquit]

this might be kinda a goofy question. but i just kinda wondered why exactly do people cheat in a relationship? and if that person is married and cheats on his/her spouse does it mean their not in love with that person anymore? my bestfriend husband has cheated on her several times. his lastest girlfriend is their own next door neighbor. he's been involved with this girl for three years. my friend knows he is fooling around with their neighbor but neither one of them will file for a divorce because they have children. i just wonder how he can not feel quilty for cheating on his wife and how can you love your wife and cheat on them at the same time?

[PrincessLinzay]

Hmmmm, well, I suppose that's a good question and one not easily answered.

 

People cheat for an assortment of reasons, none of which make any sense to me. IMO, if someone has an urge to cheat, you might as well be a moral and kind person and leave the person you're with. Even if you've fallen out of love with them, have the respect to make a clean break. There is no call to hurt that person unnecessarily.

 

In your friends situation, it is doubly difficult because there are kids involved. However, I don't think that they should be staying together for the kids. Those kids get older (and smarter), and they'll see what's going on. If they're boys, this could lead right into them doing the same thing, thinking it's okay. If they're girls, it teaches them that they should be accepting this type of behavior, "hey, mom did it".

 

It would be easy to say that people cheat when they don't love their partner anymore, but that's just not necessarily the case. People cheat when they don't feel appreciated, because it's exciting, because they think they need variety, because they're unhappy in a relationship but aren't ready to end it..... the list goes on and on. Some people can work through it, others...not so much.

 

Cheating can only serve to make both people miserable, yet it's been going on since the dawn of time. I suppose it will remain an enigma.

[lillady898]

It would be easy to say that people cheat when they don't love their partner anymore, but that's just not necessarily the case.

 

Well, obviously cheaters don't love their partner quite enough. If someone TRULY loves their significant other, they won't cheat on him/her. Cheating is one of the higher forms of disrespect, and you simply cannot truly love someone you have no respect for.

 

People cheat because they're selfish. Plain and simple. People can make all the excuses in the world for cheaters but it all comes down to their selfishness.

[RayKay]

this might be kinda a goofy question. but i just kinda wondered why exactly do people cheat in a relationship? and if that person is married and cheats on his/her spouse does it mean their not in love with that person anymore? my bestfriend husband has cheated on her several times. his lastest girlfriend is their own next door neighbor. he's been involved with this girl for three years. my friend knows he is fooling around with their neighbor but neither one of them will file for a divorce because they have children. i just wonder how he can not feel quilty for cheating on his wife and how can you love your wife and cheat on them at the same time?

 

Cheaters often have MANY reasons for why they cheat - but in my opinion there is NO excuse. You can leave your partner before starting a relationship with someone else.

 

In my opinion cheaters are selfish, and disrespectful...and they may "think" they love their partner, but I am sorry, I do not think this is true love. My definition of love does not include hurting your partner, lying and sneaking around, as well as exposing them to disease.

 

 

Sometimes they feel guilt, sometimes not. Sometimes its revenge, sometimes its to get attention they don't get - often they justify it not to feel guilty. Sometimes they do feel guilt, but what they don't know won't hurt...yet they ARE hurting the relationship. I don't think its love.

 

Staying because of the children is ridiculous. Children know. They grow up learning this is acceptable or normal behaviour, they learn what relationships should be like from their parents. Your friend needs to leave. For her children and for herself.

 

My real father cheated on my mother, with a neighbour too coincidentally. They got divorced, and I was far better off growing up with my parents apart then together if that was how he was going to treat her and the relationship. My mother found my stepfather and they have shown me a true relationship.

[BellaDonna]

my bestfriend husband has cheated on her several times. his lastest girlfriend is their own next door neighbor. he's been involved with this girl for three years. my friend knows he is fooling around with their neighbor but neither one of them will file for a divorce because they have children. i just wonder how he can not feel quilty for cheating on his wife and how can you love your wife and cheat on them at the same time?

 

I know a woman who is going through the same exact right now with her husband and a neighbor. I think it's really really sad, and I don't think it does the kids any good at all. The similarities in the stories are scary....lol.

 

I think sometimes cheaters do still "love" their partners....but one thing is for sure: They consciously decide to take their partner for granted. They consciously decide that it's ok to risk losing the relationship, and they consciously decide the violate the commitment of the relationship. So while they might "love" the person, they are not loving her/him in a healthy or caring way...it's more of a selfish love, in which they want to comfort/stability their spouse provides but they don't want to make the spouse their #1 priority. It isn't true love.

 

 

BellaDonna

[chai714]

but i just kinda wondered why exactly do people cheat in a relationship?

 

Different people have different reasons. Some would say sex, some would say their lover meets their "x" needs and their spouse does not. Either way, people will justify their behavior with reasons that sound good to them. This justification process makes them feel better about their amoral behavior.

 

Who does your friends husband continue to cheat? Because he can. He knows she knows, and he knows she won't do anything, so why should he stop? Your friend has low self-esteem to tolerate this. Situations like this is why women should also be independent and have jobs - so they don't get stuck with a loser like her husband. As long as she continues to condone his behavior (and she is condoning it because she's not forbidding it), he'll cheat and she'll be miserable.

[RooferGirl23]

while i was single i got in volved with several married men. out of then all, i have found one similarity: they do it because of a lack of intimacy in the home. and nothing more. allot of people fine the "no strings" tactic very pleasing because they do love thier partner dearly, they just dont get enough lovemaking from that person. not true for all, but thats the one big thing they all had in common.

One time my guy threated to cheat on me if i did not "satisfy" him in that way more often. so i started doing it more, and that nasty comment stopped, and we acculaly got closer.

[RayKay]

while i was single i got in volved with several married men. out of then all, i have found one similarity: they do it because of a lack of intimacy in the home. and nothing more. allot of people fine the "no strings" tactic very pleasing because they do love thier partner dearly, they just dont get enough lovemaking from that person. not true for all, but thats the one big thing they all had in common.

One time my guy threated to cheat on me if i did not "satisfy" him in that way more often. so i started doing it more, and that nasty comment stopped, and we acculaly got closer.

 

This is a novel idea...but if they feel that way they should TALK TO THEIR PARTNER! If nothing changes, even after counselling, therapy and trying to improve things together...they should LEAVE. Often if their is a lack of intimacy, it is not just because of ONE partner doing something or not doing something. Decide they are not sexually compatible and move on.

 

As for your guy threatening you...thats just plain immature. Adults talk about these issues together and come up with solutions, it just may be as simple as booking "dates" together for intimacy where children and stress are not allowed to come along, or it may mean seeking therapy. Threatening to cheat ultimately in my eyes does more bad then good. If my guy ever "threatened" rather than had an adult discussion with me, he would be free to find other women, since I would not be around.

[lillady898]

I definetly don't that lack of intimacy is a valid excuse for cheating and lieing. If the lack of intimacy is such a huge problem to where they will decieve someone they supposedly love so much, they should either get professional help or leave. And if any guy threatened to cheat on me (especially to force me to have sex) I would leave.

[djedix]

Absolutely never, and i mean never should another human being 'force' (yes by making comments and saying stupid things) another into having sex. Who cares about there so called needs.. It's not needs, it's selfishness. If someoene ever says "if you don't sleep with me i'll cheat" well right there is a red flag

 

Why should you have to give yourself to someone who makes threats against you? I'd never give into that. Just because you are in a relationship with someone, does not mean you are there sex toy, having you when ever they please, even if it's against your will.

 

As for cheaters, they do what they want because they can, and the people they are with let them. You gotta be strong, and put your foot down. Don't let them do it, because they will just keep doing it over and over. Teach them a lesson that there behaviour is garbage. somethimes thou, even that wont make them change...