Won't get married EVER!

[Beautifulfallingdown]

My boyfriend and I are going along great and I'm not wanting to get married any time soon but it seems we've been watching a lot movies with marriage in them and the topic all ways comes up with my friends who are getting into their thirties and marrying up.

 

I don't want to yet i'm so young and he understands this but when I asked him in the future even if it isn't with me would he get married and he tells me no he wouldn't, whats the point of legal binding to each other when the love you share is the only real thing that matters, why get a church and lgeal government papers invovled. And I said I get that I don't like the idea either and if we were older and you didn't want to get married neither would I. he smiled at this. It made me gigglely. Then I came up with a crazy idea. I asked him what if we were older and we were planning a life long partnership rather than a marriage, like a cermony with out a priest but just someone close to use annoucing our love and life together from now on. He just looked at him then changed the subject.

 

I think he thinks I'm crazy?

 

Is that such a crazy idea?

[pizzachick13]

I don't think he thinks you're crazy... he just might be a little weirded out by your suggestion. I myself have never heard of anything like that before, but it sounds great to me

 

He probably just needs a little time to think about it. Maybe give him a week or so before you ask him about it again. Or even mention it for that matter.

 

Good luck

 

Sappho...

[shes2smart]

Your idea is close enough to being a wedding that it might have made him question if you really meant it when you said you didn't want to get married. The only thing different from your idea and actually getting married is the paperwork that the government recognizes as proof that you're married. Some places people can get married by a judge, so there doesn't have to be clergy involved, if the couple is not religious.

 

If you don't want to get married until later in life, or get married at all, that's fine. It is your life to do with as you please. I didn't think marriage was a good idea -- for me -- until sometime after my 36th birthday, and I got married when I was 38.

 

whats the point of legal binding to each other when the love you share is the only real thing that matters, why get a church and lgeal government papers invovled

 

Do you want to be able to intervene in any medical treatment if (God forbid) he is involved in an accident? If you are not legally married (or have legal papers like a power of attorney AND living will AND health care power of attorney) drawn up, you will have NO SAY in what happens to him if he is unable to speak for himself. His parents will.

 

If you want to have kids, there are so many legal and psychological issues between having them as a married couple and having them out of wedlock that I'm not going to get into it.

 

There are also differences in how one is treated socially, and even though it may be something-less-than legal, depending on the employer, there may be differences in how one is treated on the job.

 

Buying property -- like a house -- with someone who is not a spouse, relative or someone you have a contractual relationship with (like a business partner) is something I have seen many financial experts advise against. If you look around this board, I believe there are a few stories on this board from bf/gf's who bought a house together and later broke up and had to deal with what to do with the house. Messy and complicated don't begin to cover it.

 

I've lived with 3 different boyfriends over the course of my life. I've been married for 3 years now. There is a difference in the relationship when you know you can't just pack your crap and go if things aren't to your liking. On a personal level, the kind of commitment marriage takes has made me a better person than I was.

 

It is much more than "just a piece of paper." People who say that are generally people who don't want to be married and are looking for excuses to support that preference. If you don't want to be married, that's fine...but have the preference and drop the excuse. Don't fool yourself into thinking there is no difference between being in a long term relationship and being legally married.

[RayKay]

Shes2Smart wrote a brilliant post above (as usual!).

 

I am in Canada, so up here the marriage/common law regulations are a lot more similar (you are common law after 6 months living together as long as you declare it, and have ALL the same privileges as married, or if you don't declare it it happens at 3 years, but is retroactive). Of course, even that being said, there are still valid reasons for getting married when you BOTH want it, including for children, and as a public bond. However, I understand the US situation is very different when it comes to common-law and marriage differences.

 

There are also studies that show married couples are happier than ones just living together - maybe because they feel more like a partnership and in it together. Their is a bond there that goes beyond a piece of paper, but that the paper gives credence too I believe.

 

There is nothing wrong with NOT getting married - my mother and stepfather have been together 19 years, never married but the happiest couple I know. They had reasons due to their past divorces not too.

 

The important thing is you are both in the same frame of mind and realize the consequences that may occur. Its much easier to just leave, perhaps you buy a house together, or he buys one in his name...and decides to split up....you have NO legal right to the property if its in his name, and the mess of dividing it if it is shared is awful. That's just a start. And by your statement to him, it sounds like you are not so sure you never want to get married, but was just going along with it. What you said you wanted...sounds like a wedding ceremony, just without the formal marriage certificate which would "legally" wed you...though you were still "ceremoniously" wed.

It does not just require priests to marry you after all...anyone who is licensed as a commissioner etc can marry you...so not having a priest does not make it less "wedding like". I don't think he things you are crazy...I think he thinks that you probably DO want to get married and do not agree fully with him not wanting to.

 

Honestly, that line "It's just a piece of paper" is often said by people not sure they want to get married at all, or rather not married to you and feel its a "pat answer". I heard people who said that, then all of a sudden they meet the woman/man of their dreams and they are jumping through fire to marry them. There IS a difference between being with someone, living with someone...and making that step to marriage. To me marriage is saying I want to be with you forever...we are now in this together. It is far more than a "piece of paper"...but even that "piece of paper" has far more importance then your bf is giving it credit for.

[shes2smart]

Another thing I thought of...if you're still thinking it's "just a piece of paper" try asking some of the gays and lesbians in the US why they are fighting so hard to have the right to marry their significant others. If it was "just a piece of paper" why would they bother to go through some of the utter BS they are going through at the hands of conservative legislators and the religious right? I'm sure they will give you plenty of reason as to why it's more than "a piece of paper"

[Day_Walker]

It seems that you dont like the idea that marriage presents, which could mean you have seen some bad experiences in the past. When you talk about a life long commitment with some kind of ceremony to annouce your love its very similar to marriage. It seems that you are just dancing around the idea of marriage. If that happens to work for you then go for it.

[Beautifulfallingdown]

people I'm not talking about me!

if the person I am with wants to get married then I'm fine with getting married if not so be it.

He is the one that doesn't care about it and just for facts I know all that stuff, I am pretty smart myself and he knows all this as well.

His father has had a girlfriend for the past 17 years and is blissfully happy and unconcerned with marriage.

he's a nut he's an artist he knows what he wants, and he doesn't want to get married. I don't care any which way.

My idea isn't so out there either. My gay friends had it done because they couldn't get married at the time, but ever since it was made legal they haven't felt it was necessary to do so.

I dunno, whatever lol

[RayKay]

people I'm not talking about me!

if the person I am with wants to get married then I'm fine with getting married if not so be it.

He is the one that doesn't care about it and just for facts I know all that stuff, I am pretty smart myself and he knows all this as well.

His father has had a girlfriend for the past 17 years and is blissfully happy and unconcerned with marriage.

he's a nut he's an artist he knows what he wants, and he doesn't want to get married. I don't care any which way.

My idea isn't so out there either. My gay friends had it done because they couldn't get married at the time, but ever since it was made legal they haven't felt it was necessary to do so.

I dunno, whatever lol

 

I KNOW you are not talking about you, that's why I said I think he rightfully so looked at you funny when what you suggested sounds to him JUST LIKE A WEDDING. Like you are going along with it for his sake, when you really do want marriage.

 

Be very sure you are "fine with it", even knowing all the above, and not just going along with it hoping he will change his mind and so on. I know women who did similar, realized they DID want to get married...and were surprised their partner had not changed their mind.

 

It's okay to want marriage, okay NOT to want marriage...but its not okay for two people who think differently to try and change the other person.

[Hope75]

Do you want children someday?

 

Do you want to legal rights of a spouse at any point in your life?

 

What do YOU want? (remembering that it is a separate thing from what your bf might want.)

[Beautifulfallingdown]

Do you want children someday?

 

Do you want to legal rights of a spouse at any point in your life?

 

What do YOU want? (remembering that it is a separate thing from what your bf might want.)

 

yes

 

no

 

and I want a healthy relationship with the one I love, marriage isn't important to me....I don't care any which way. he doesn't want to get married, I guess I'm not getting married because it isn't important to any one of us. Now if I was with a guy later on in my life, MAYBE I'll get married to him if that is what wil make him happy, then it'll make me happy too.

[Beautifulfallingdown]

Your idea is close enough to being a wedding

 

no it's not..... just a party with family and friends, celebrating how long we've been together and going to be together, doesn't sound like a wedding to me

[DamagedImage]

beautiful I say don't listen to anyone here about what they are saying about legal crap and medical / etc other stuff, I think if you are okay with not wanting it leave it at that, and if he doesn't either good for both of you. I share your opinion. And your idea sounds fun and more reasonable than making a big show of it and dragging all this other stuff into marriage. As for the emotional "damage" on children, is an excuse. Like you said to me once in a personal post your boyfriend is the same age as you and he was a young child growing up with a mother and a father who never got married, then they spilt and your father has had another girlfriend ever sense. He seems fine to me, level headed from what you tell me.

 

BUT TO ANSWER THE REAL QUESTION YOU ASKED!

I think it's fine to not want marriage, and your idea for a sub of marriage just having a party and everything is FANTASTIC! a partnership of two people who love each other and know in their hearts they will be together for a long long time should he celebrated in whatever way you want. That doesn't mean marriage is all you can do.

 

Plus on a sadder note, if things go south instead of dragging it out for months knowing you'll have to see each other anyways because of papers and all the other *beep* you can part without having to contact until you are ready to confront each other again. I think that is better than battling in divorce. You are so nature oriented aren't you? that's really cool....go the smoothiest way out. Rock on with tha, it's better than most stuff out there these days.

 

Hell I'm going to tell my friends this , your idea that is, they don't want to get married just yet. so they may consider this for now

 

bye, good luck

[shes2smart]

Since those who are all for this haven't mentioned any ages other than "young," you do need to realize that your perspective is likely to change over time.

 

My college bf swore up and down he'd never get married. Then he hit 40, and the prospect and reality of growing old alone or with long-term gfs hit him.

 

He's 43 and married now.

[Beautifulfallingdown]

not everyone wants marriage, this was about my idea I don't care about anything else I was just asking people their opinion about my idea , not questioning me and how I feel about it now and how my bf feels about it

 

FYI: his father is 47 and his gf is 40 not married

[shes2smart]

not everyone wants marriage, this was about my idea I don't care about anything else I was just asking people their opinion about my idea , not questioning me and how I feel about it now and how my bf feels about it

 

FYI: his father is 47 and his gf is 40 not married

 

If you will go back and read my first post, I clearly stated that married/not married either way is fine because it is a very individual decision.

 

It's when you brought up the "it's only a piece of paper" issue that I chose to point out why that is not a vaild reason for justifying either your or his lack of desire for marriage.

 

Have your ceremony if that's what you want. You don't need anyone else's approval or consent. However, when you ask for opinions in a public forum like this, you're likely to get them, they may or may not be what you want to hear, and you're likely to get related opinions that you weren't looking for.

 

And I still stand by my opinion that he reacted to your idea oddly because it does look remarkably like a wedding ceremony: A public declaration of a couple's love, their intention to remain a couple for the long haul, friends and family around to witness it, followed by or including a celebration. The only thing lacking in your plan is the official government sanctioning of the relationship.

 

If he is firmly of the mind that he doesn't want marriage, your party plan could very well be too close for comfort.

[Beautifulfallingdown]

yay, yeah I get what you say....I'm a free spirit , I know with marriage tax breaks could come as well as all the other stuff people here are saying. but I don't care. I do what makes my relationship the best sacrifice or my choice which ever. I'm happy either way. I'm a giver not a taker. haha

 

but thank you for giving your answer and opinions

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

For me, I can't imagine NOT getting married. I have to marry. For me, I MUST marry. I can't imagine living my life without getting married, and I hope that it happens sooner than later. In fact, I if I found the right girl, I could get married in a couple of months.

[Beautifulfallingdown]

Have your ceremony if that's what you want. You don't need anyone else's approval or consent. However, when you ask for opinions in a public forum like this, you're likely to get them, they may or may not be what you want to hear, and you're likely to get related opinions that you weren't looking for.

 

 

I'm not having a ceremony it's just a question, I'm to young to even start all that *beep* yet. I'm living life, but I'm mature enough to know what I want for my love life later on at least for the next 15 years or so. And I'm not blind either to the possiblities of my mind being changed later on, but I don't care about that...I live life at the moment, not in the future.

 

and I know all about this being a public forum, and I RESPECT EVERYONE"S opinions and ideas, but I asked a question, and everyone keeps referring to me about it, when I keep saying whatever way I don't care.....I don't want to hear about this involving me, it's my idea about just a happy occaustion nothing more like an anniverisery dinner or whatever! I'm not saying someone stand up and speak above everyone else and declare our relationship to each other, just a oh wow so long you've been together etc. Happens with gf/bf's all the time. I even know (hell they are close friends of mine) who were married and didn't like it, but still love each other and didn't divorce to split up but have stayed together as gf/bf because they enjoy that freedom.

 

OH i dunno, whatever else.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Anyway, I am ready to get married. My friends are too immature for me. I want maturity and stability, so tahts why i want to get married young.

[RayKay]

Anyway, I am ready to get married. My friends are too immature for me. I want maturity and stability, so tahts why i want to get married young.

 

Marriage itself does not give you maturity and stability. I would hope that before you make a decision to get married, that maturity will already be there...and stability is brought to marriage or a relationship by the people involved, not by marriage itself. Relationships in themselves are never "stable"...they are dynamic, changing, growing, fluctuating...and to get married hoping for stability is not the right attitude to have going into it...you will soon find yourself disappointed.

[RayKay]

I'm not having a ceremony it's just a question, I'm to young to even start all that *beep* yet. I'm living life, but I'm mature enough to know what I want for my love life later on at least for the next 15 years or so. And I'm not blind either to the possiblities of my mind being changed later on, but I don't care about that...I live life at the moment, not in the future.

 

You conflict yourself in your statement - saying you know what you want for at least the next 15 years in your love life, yet then also saying you live life in the moment - which sort of precludes the 15 years planning doesn't it?

 

And I can say that sometimes what we "think" when we are young is not the same later on. For years I was of the "I will never get married or have kids or etc" mentality. But people change & grow, as their life changes and their experiences accumulate. And as you learn more about relationships.

 

That's fine that YOU don't think it sounds like a wedding...but we are saying that the reason your boyfriend may have looked at you funny was because for HIM it does indeed sound like a ceremony of sorts. Just because you want that and don't see it as a ceremony, does not mean HE does not. He may not WANT to "declare" his love to be with you forever, marriage license or not, and might be why he did not seem too warm to the idea.

[Hope75]

It sounds more as if you are going along with what your bf wants... and not taking what you want into consideration. I saw somewhere on this thread:

 

if the person I am with wants to get married then I'm fine with getting married if not so be it.

 

I do what makes my relationship the best sacrifice or my choice which ever. I'm happy either way. I'm a giver not a taker. haha

 

This is more about what your mate wants than what you want.

 

Why should your bf's choice be more important that yours? Why should you have to "sacrafice your choice', to do what he wants? Do you really think that's fair, or that makes you a "free spirit"?

 

"doormat" is more like it.

 

You also mentioned this:

 

Happens with gf/bf's all the time. I even know (hell they are close friends of mine) who were married and didn't like it, but still love each other and didn't divorce to split up but have stayed together as gf/bf because they enjoy that freedom.

 

And I have to dissagree. There is something to be said for getting up in front of friends. family and God, and being sanctioned by the government that makes that commitment just that much more special.

 

Sure, bf/gf is the easy way to do it, no risks.... if you've had enough you can just cut and run. Statistics show that if a couple is married and has made that commitment, they are more likely to try and work out problems and issues that arise in their lives together, and feel more orf a comradship and true partnership, then to take the easy road, pack up and run out.

 

But hey, if you want a guy who doesn't want to commit to you that way and wants to option to run out whenever things get rough, I respect that. Guess that makes him a "free spirit".

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Anyway, I want to so share more about my dreams about marriage. For me, I am very idealistic when it comes to marriage. I imagine that everyday we spend one hour just talking to each other, sharing what is on our hearts and minds, no matter how trivial or serious it is. ONe hour of good conversation is almost always better than one hour of good sex. In any case, it's important to bond every single day in a marriage relationship. Everyday spend time cuddling, every day spend time talking to each other, everyday smile and look into each others eyes, touch each other, cuddle each other, do chores together, do everything together.

[DN]

I am in Canada, so up here the marriage/common law regulations are a lot more similar (you are common law after 6 months living together as long as you declare it, and have ALL the same privileges as married, or if you don't declare it it happens at 3 years, but is retroactive)..

 

RayKay, that is not entirely accurate:

link removed

 

According to this article the law varies from province to province. It says, for example, that in Ontario, the property of common-law partners is treated differently than married partners if they separate, and common law spouses can be forced to testify against each other in court. I believe there are other differences as well, including the rights nornally accorded next of kin.