danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Well, I'm in a dilemma here and was HOPING this wouldn't happen. I just placed what I hoped would have to be the only call of the day to confirm plans for tonight. It is now almost 11:00am and I just tried her number and am aware that she does NOT have an answering machine, but she told me that at this time of the day she is almost home, YET, there was NO answer. I don't know what to think, or how to proceed, seeing she doesn't have an answering machine, whereby I could leave her a message if she is NOT home and KNOW that if she doesn't call back it's because she's really just NOT interested. Now I just don't know. She could be out and not get any message. This is what I worried about, because I don't know if she's there and not picking up, or if she's legitimately not there, in which case I have to call her again. Danimal Link to comment
Mun Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Did you ever thought that a lady may not react positively to someone who obsesses about her ? If love comes out of the whole situation there is no reason for you to be the only one doing something about it. She may talk to you about it. Running after someone is the best way to loose that person... Relax, take a deep breath and try not to worry too much about it I hope you got some of what frozen was saying Dan. I think his recommendations here are pretty good. Link to comment
PlayBrat Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Hey Dan I PM'ed you...but listen, you need to relax!! It's only 11 a.m! This will be a grand total of maybe 6 times you will see this girl. Believe me it is NOT paramount that you talk to her yet. Do you think she will be turned on knowing you are sweating her like this?? To be honest I think you really NOT ready to date someone even remotely seriously. This is a testament to that. I think you might want to consider this girl as just a "friend" that you hang out with sometimes, because you are putting way too many expectations on this for being what it is. Theis girl is treating this situation the way YOU should be.....casually. No expectations. Please stay calm. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 My concern is that her agreeing to see me tonight was just an excuse to calm me down at the moment while in her place, so that I wouldn't freak again, even though she may not have really wanted to see me again? What I could always do, is call her from the pay phone at the grocery store when I go and do my groceries in a couple of hours. This way she may not recognize the number and end up picking up. If she doesn't want to see me, she'll have to make up an excuse. If she wants to see me, well, she'll let me know that as well? Just a thought. This is complicated. She was picking up left right and center only a few days ago and also calling me on her own too. Link to comment
shockeddismayed Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 My concern is that her agreeing to see me tonight was just an excuse to calm me down at the moment while in her place, so that I wouldn't freak again, even though she may not have really wanted to see me again? What I could always do, is call her from the pay phone at the grocery store when I go and do my groceries in a couple of hours. This way she may not recognize the number and end up picking up. If she doesn't want to see me, she'll have to make up an excuse. If she wants to see me, well, she'll let me know that as well? Just a thought. This is complicated. She was picking up left right and center only a few days ago and also calling me on her own too. Danimal... This is exactly what people mean when they say "over-thinking, obsessive, impatient". If you were truly recovered and secure there is NO WAY you would be plotting on how to get this girl to "pick up" the phone... you would say "screw her... I over-reacted last week, but to an issue I feel strongly about... she can get over it, or I am over her". The fact that you are so fixated on making things right, on winning her affections, is quite worrying to me. You barely know this girl... and the fact that you already have a major philosophical opposition (drug use) might be enough for you to pass her by if you were truly healed.... or at the very least, it would give you enough ammunition to just steer clear of her until it works out or it doesn't. If she was making an excuse, you should have no interest in her anyway... and she's allowed to make an excuse... if she changes her mind, she knows your number too. Link to comment
lady00 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 If you have to trick her into answering your call, you should not be calling her in the first place. If she really wants to see you, I'm sure she would call you, especially since she doesn't have an answering machine. I'm a little confused though...you say that she will not recognize the number if you call from a grocery store so does that mean she has caller ID...in which case she would know if you called earlier when she wasn't there? Even if this is not the case, I'm sure she would have realized that you may have called while she was out and would call you if she wanted to confirm the date. Another thing: do you need to call her? Did you make concrete plans? If you both decided on a time to meet, then you could just show up, right? Anyway, relax. You hardly know her and you are obsessing. This is unhealthy. Bottom line: If she is into you, she will see you at some point and want to hang out with you. If she isn't, she won't. You can't make her want to hang out with you or be into you. That's her choice. And if she is motivated to spend time with you, she will. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Well, IT'S ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She answered the phone on my second attempt and she was really NICE!! We had a few laughs and she was in good spirits! I asked her what she is up to later on and she said that she has plans with a friend later on tonight and I said, I being that friend??? She said YES SILLY!! Anyways, she made me feal very at ease. I really like her vibe. SOOOOOOOOOO different from my ex's it's unreal!! Anyways, I told her that I was worried about her and her son last night with the Thunder storm. That didn't go off to well with her. She said she was fine so not to worry. Other than that I am bringing some Chinese Beer, which she apparently got into on a trip to the Orient (hope they have it at the liquor comission). I am trying to hard now, which we are both aware of. I wasn't trying like this initially, but I feel like I want to make up for the asss I made out of myself only 2-3 days ago.... Any advice friends for tonight? I am going over there after the kid goes to bed (her suggestion). She'll call me at that point. She seems to have moved on from what happened, but not sure how open she is to what went on before the incident? Danimal Link to comment
lady00 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Just keep the conversation light and happy. Get to know each other. Enjoy the company. Don't discuss having a relationship unless she brings it up in which case just listen to her and agree with what she says. Most important thing, if you want to have further positive contact with her and if you want a chance with her in the long run...just keep things upbeat and light. Don't discuss the past unless she brings it up (that means no apologizing or anything...bringing that stuff up will just make her remember the way she felt when it happened and she was put off). Just focus on the here and now and the friendship. Talk about what you enjoy doing, hobbies, sports, whatever. Hang out with her as you would any other friend. MOST IMPORTANT: refrain from obsessing over her and/or what you are going to say to her. Don't plan. Just go over and act naturally. Let the interaction flow naturally. I suggest you don't think about her or meeting up in the hours before you see her. Focus on other things so that way you won't overthink things. Link to comment
DN Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I agree with the lady - keep it light and humorous. If you start getting heavy or serious you will blow it again. If you make plans to see her again, try including her son - a trip to the zoo maybe. Link to comment
gradle Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 dig deep dan, keep it light, make yourself a breath of fresh air, not a suffocator... Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Yeah, I like that idea about the Zoo! Hey, do I take charge as in I want to take you and your son to the zoo, or do I ask her if her and her son would like to go with me to the zoo sometimes. I've noticed that women tend to like it when guys are DECISIVE and don't depend too much on what the woman wants to do and when she wants to do it. Is this true for the most part? Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Hey Gradle, I was a breath of fresh air (not a smoker ), but after slipping up, I just feel a bit inadaquite (spelling??), like she's seen my dark side, yet I have not seen hers and hence my much more deliberate attempt at doing the "right" thing now, without just being like I was before... Link to comment
gradle Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 ask her dan, this is not a woman who likes to be told what to do by any man. fyi, most women do not like to be told what to do, they like suggestions. remember one of the reasons you liked her was b/c she was strong and didn't need a man. well, you telling her waht to do kind of goes against that. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Yeah, you're right Gradle...If she says yeah that would be nice and maybe sometime or at some point, should I then say, well, how about Saturday or another day? Is that pressure? Link to comment
lady00 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 I'd suggest you see how tonight goes. If it goes well, say "let's hang out sometime, maybe go to the Zoo." Since you're not dating this woman at least not yet I don't see any need to be "decisive." If the evening goes well, suggest that you hang out sometime. Leave it openended. Tell her to give you a call if she wants to hang out. You know why? Because people love choices. If you want someone who has pulled away from you somewhat to warm up to you again, you need to make them feel as though they are free as a bird to do whatever they want. And that way, you will know if she is really interested in you because if she is, she will call to hang out again. Play it by ear. Use your intuition. If things are going well, slip in an invitation to hang out later. Make sure you don't do anything that could be perceived by her as pressuring her to see you again. Don't overthink this. Don't plan. See her, have fun. Link to comment
gradle Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 i agree whole heartedly with Lady Link to comment
DN Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Me too - there is a big difference between being decisive and being overbearing. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 I agree to with Lady...Not sure about call me if you want to get together (not really my style), but aloof is defintely a good method. Something more like, "so, I'll speak to you later and MAYBE next time we can go to the zoo with your son" and I can leave it at that... Another thing: Last Saturday night she gave me a massage and even told me that massages on STILL in if I would like one. I'm talking about the shirt off and oils and the whole NINE YARDS! However, not sure if this is sexual to her at all, or more so just hedonistically therapeutic in a purely healing way and no other conotations being implied? Should I also appeal to her other interests, such as art, meditation, photography, etc? Should I do some research on these subjects? Dan Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 So, I just solidified plans with another girl I've been working for a couple of weeks now . I'm seeing that one tomorrow night! I was such in a good mood from having spoken to this other girl, that it gave me the confidence to call up the one from tonight and ask her if she wants me to bring some Vodka and Orange Juice in addition to the beer. She said sure. I was playing with her, seeing my mood is high right now. I wanted to send that light vibe and knowing that tomorrow night I am set with the other, it will alleviate some of my own built up tension as well. She's calling me later to tell me when to come over... All is well my friends! Peace, Danimal Link to comment
benevolent Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Well, whether you want to believe this or not, you are in a lust phase at this stage in the relationship. I have the ability to see the good in any and everything. However, in this situation, there is a lack of consistency and commitment on your part which has been the demise of your past and present efforts. Again, many on here have said (including myself): if you had all the confidence and were a truly changed individual, then you wouldn't be in the state that you are in. Again the common theme seems to be impatience, obssession, over-anaylzing and _________ (you fill in the blank) Call me cynical, but the repeated attempts and inevitable failures don't project the best image of you. It would be one thing if you had a gradual, upward progression towards healing, but what you tend to do is go to the very end and proclaim "I'm changed and have loads of confidence - c'mon world give me your best shot." And you know what, a seemingly special girl who you barely know had a set of morals/beliefs that didn't agree with yours and that brought your world crumbling down in an instant. Maybe the crux of the problem is that you aren't open to alternatives or more strictly, you don't like it when someone disagrees with you. You said that you are looking for something positive, but I think you will just look and listen for someone who says what you want to hear. I had a friend who was similar to you and served as a great confidant when my ex left me 3 years ago. He went through a horrible breakup as well, but rather than deal with his healing and betterment of his heart, mind and soul, he convinced himself that he was fine and over his ex in such a short amount of time. He got the new wardrobe and written off relationships completely, focusing on flings and trists instead. Like you he was like night and day, supposedly confident one minute and then cowering in the corner the next. And what the sad part is, till this day he hasn't changed and is one of the most miserable people I have the misfortune of knowing, despite his money, cars and women. He just can't deal... So what may come off as harsh, is maybe more compassionate than you think. We all want each other to succeed on here and that means you as well. Link to comment
benevolent Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Should I also appeal to her other interests, such as art, meditation, photography, etc? Should I do some research on these subjects? Only if you are genuinely interested. Don't do it for her sake, it'll only make you look bad in the end. Just be yourself. Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 try not to please people too much . Not to say you should not impress her but being yourself like you are with us should always win her heart. BE YOU AND ONLY YOU MAN! Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Fantasia, If she only knew that I was on here for 2 days chatting it up with all of you guys!!! ...haha...YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, I wonder how that would look in her eyes!! Anyways, wish me good luck friends (Benelovent included)..BTW, I am not looking for a fling. I had those. I am looking for the real thing. Well, hopefully it is looking for me! Keep it up friends, we are breaking records on this here post!!! I am still astonished at how quickly my post from Tuesday morning/afternoon had turned out into some kind of Monster!!! Danimal Link to comment
melrich Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Good luck Dan, Re-read the posts here. take notice of a fairly common theme...take it easy, don't get too commited and involved too early, try and see this potential relationship from her point of view i.e she will probably want to go much slower than you. All the best. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 Melrich, As they say in Ozzland: "Cheers Mate", right? Okay, so I have the six pack of Chinese Imported beer, a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and a litre of O.J. (set me back about 40 bucks, but was worth it)... I'm in a great mood! My door is still open with her and tomorrow night I am seeing Victoria... Life is good and thanks for all the support friends during the last 2 and a half days. Danimal Link to comment
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