Healing from a relationship that was abusive

[laclarita]

I posted here, but I never said all the details of all the pain and history, and no I cry for the first time today, because all of my anger towards him and hurt is pent up inside.

 

He belittled me, he told me what to do, he was controlling, he yelled at me, he used me... and all of these things yet I pleaded with him to stay with me. And I'm angry that the first time I walked away I did not turn my back to him completely, but later groveled for him to keep me, after which he yelled at me some more and made me feel even smaller.

 

It hurts so much, each day is a process of trying to reverse all of the damage done to my psychi, all of the control that he has exerted even on my own thoughts and my behaviors. It is so painful, because he won't even recognize what he did at all, he just says "we aren't meant for each other".

 

He got angry when I put my used q tip in the trash so you could see it.

He got angry when I cut the vegetables too slow (for him) while he was talking to me.

He got angry when I didn't leave a large enough tip because I misunderstood what he said to me.

He got angry because I couldn't remember something he said to me about his grandfather.

He yelled at me because I let the water bottle fall on the floor, dropped me off far from my house and when I sat down to cry he came back and picked me up and yelled at me for crying.

He yelled at me for a half an hour and wouldn't let me get out of the car because I wanted him to drop me off at my house.

He got mad because he thought I was checking out the waiter (I didn't even notice he was there).

He got mad because I thought something different than he did.

He got mad because I left the door open to his room when I went to the bathroom at night and told me to go home.

he got mad because I walked in his room with my shoes on on accident.

He got mad because I told him he didn't have to leave lunch just because I was leaving (and he said I didn't have to tell him that, he wouldn't leave if he didn't want to).

He got mad because I couldn't feel comfortable around his roommate because he thought I smiled more at his roommate than him.

He got mad because I didn't like how his friend spoke about women in derogatory ways.

He got mad because I like to listen to Tupac and I'm white.

He got mad because I dress in different clothes, some of them happy, some of them dark.

He got mad because I told my housemates how he said he'd hit me if I was a man.

He got mad because I told him that the plastic cords he was thinking to buy were weak and said I shouldn't give him any kind of advice. He then got mad because I didn't want to argue in the store and swore at me.

He got mad because I told him the light turned green.

 

I cry as I write this, because there are endless more examples. And as I cry, my whole body shakes.

 

How do I heal without baggage? How do I move on?

 

At the end of our relationship, I was so depressed I couldn't cook, I didn't want to leave my house, I wanted to kill myself, saw no point in living anymore. I am feeling better now, I'm able to go through the day without crying (except right now), but I fear that I will hate him. I fear that I will despise him and resent him and carry that baggage with me. How can I forgive him?

[brando]

first you need to forgive yourself. Then you will be able to forgive him.

 

Either way forgiveness is for you.. in time... take care of yourself, and come back to these boards when you feel you need suppot

[Tigris]

It'll get easier as each day passes. You've got to forgive yourself for being weak and not leaving him sooner.

 

You deserve someone who'll care for you and not control you.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Good luck with your future.

[Hope75]

You can forgive him, just to let it go and move on, but not forget how he treated you and how you now know that the very best thing for you is to be away from him and move on with your life.

 

Sweetie, I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, I know how it can break you down and make you feel like nothing.

 

Brando has some wise advice-- first we have to forgive ourselves for putting up with such treatment, and then we can forgive them and let them go.

 

You are going to be OK. It will take some time. That's OK. We all make mistakes, we are all human and all fallable. That doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy, and to be treated with respect.

 

The important thing is that you recognize that now and you can take that knowledge and make it power and go forward, and not let anyone treat you like that ever again.

 

You are worth much more than that, I promise you. And someone who is worthy of you will recognize that, when the time is right.

 

Best of luck, and hang in there. You can always post when you need to.

[DN]

Maybe you don't have to forgive him. As Brando said - you have to forgive yourself for not leaving him earlier. If you can do that and then move on it won't matter to you whether you forgive him or not - because he won't matter to you anymore.

[laclarita]

I believe that if I don't forgive him, then I will always be resentful and fearing the same treatment.

 

I know it will take time to move on. And part of the hurt for me is knowing that he thinks he is right!!!! He says, yes, he is a bit impatient, but then has a litany of reasons why everything with me is all wrong.

 

I thought it was love, I didn't realize how restrained I was trying to fulfill his such extreme expectations. Part of me wants to hurt him emotionally to retaliate, if only I could. I'm so hurt that I want him to feel pain too.

[laclarita]

unfortunately he owes me almost $300. dumb me, i lent him $100 more.

 

i just want the money back and then i want to tell him to blank off.

[SexySadie7]

Oh.. Laclarita... Hope is right.. you have to forgive yourself first for letting this go on.. but if you are in an abusive relationship.. and thank you girl.. for I'm just starting to realize my last lover was abusive... not just emotionally either... your way of thinking is all screwed up and off balance.. but that's the way abusive people like it... so you can not tell up from down.

Thanks Hope for writing this:

"Sweetie, I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, I know how it can break you down and make you feel like nothing."

You've finally made me realize why I had been feeling so worthless all these months.. It's like a light had just gone on in my head! : )

 

On one date we went out to a concert... I said something that my lover found stupid.. and next thing I knew he was slapping me up the side of the head.. in public!!! It didn't really hurt.. but still... that was so disrespectful and unwarranted to do to a lady in public.. Strange thing was.. that this guy always said he was such a gentleman!!

I once went to a concert AFTER my ex-lover left town (without even bothering to call and tell me he was leaving, of course) and had told him on the phone about a week before the concert it was taking place and I definitely was going to attend it..... he told me he wasn't going to be back in the area for several months (he'd left the state) and said he wasn't going to be able to go.

So.. I go off to the concert.. certain he won't be there.. and who do I see there.. but him!!! I was so delighted to see him that I go up to him and say hi and give him a little small half hug.. He's polite.. but very distant and cold.... It was very sad as I was there all by myself and felt so lonely.. it wouldn't have killed him to let me hang out with him for like 10 minutes!

Instead he kind of made me feel like I had the plague...and acted really like he really wanted nothing to do with me.

What had I done to him? Nothing..... in fact he had contacted me a few weeks back asking me to mail him back a CD... so it wasn't like he had iniated NC.... When I asked him if he'd like to come over later that evening.. he insisted he was going to be going out with friends... and insisted that I WAS TRYING TO TRACK HIM DOWN.... !!

Someone, please explain that to me.. cuz I was told by HIM that he wasn't even going to be at the concert.. while I told him I WAS going to be there..

 

Anyway.. he was such a screwed up mess....

Nothing he did ever really made sense.... he was such a study in contradictions.

I just found out that he's getting married again soon..... this was after telling me for months upon months that no way shape or form did he want to be in any sort of relationship. So..I guess all that garbage was just a lie too..and I just wasn't good enough for him.

Funny, inspite of his cruel actions though.. he didn't have enough gumption to tell me that.

I sort of pity the girl he's gonna marry... as I think he's still pretty unstable emotionally. I don't think he's even been divorced more than a year now.

So... if you are in such a situation... the whole thing doesn't really make sense Laclarita .. does it?

I find that too..

I did NOTHING at all wrong or bad to him.. i swear to God.. but he felt the need to take stuff out on me cuz his ex had treated him badly.

I was always so kind to him... but still somehow I was his whipping post.

I think people like this will get a taste of their own medicine one day...

Meanwhile.. try to do stuff that makes you feel better.. Laclarita.. cuz I know only too well how these type of people suck the very joy out of your life !

 

THEY ARE TOXIC PEOPLE YOU KNOW.

You take care.... PM me if you want to...

 

[Hope75]

I believe that if I don't forgive him, then I will always be resentful and fearing the same treatment.

 

I thought it was love, I didn't realize how restrained I was trying to fulfill his such extreme expectations. Part of me wants to hurt him emotionally to retaliate, if only I could. I'm so hurt that I want him to feel pain too.

 

I agree with you on this laclarita, and that's why I think it's important to forgive them too. Yes hehurt you, but you aren't going to let him do that anymore, and part of healing for me was forgiving him, and myself, and letting that part of my life go. That doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from the experience, or that I will ever allow a man to treat me like that again, but I found that not forgiving and closing that chapter of my life was like poison in my soul. I did it for me, and I feel so much better having done it.

 

Sadie, good for you that you realize now that your ex was not good for you. It's amazing sometimes how subtle the breakdown is, that we don't even realize what we are doing and suddenly BLAMO we are begging for this man who treated us like dirt to take us back! That's how little we think we are worth.

 

The good news is, once we get it, we really get it, and there's no turning back. Best of luck to both of you and I think you are both going to be OK. You both realize that this is unacceptable, and you aren't willing to tolorate it any longer.

 

Good luck!

[temperamental_taurus]

Laclarita - *hugs* to you sweetie! I know this is a difficult time, I just got out of a similar situation myself, and to tell you the truth, I never know if it's truly over or not. He completely controlled me too. I begged for him to take me back many, many times - once he even made me get on my knees in front of him... which I did =( I'd beg for it not to be over, I apologized so many times in situations that needed no apology from ME. I'd say I would be better etc when I had done nothing wrong but get upset when he treated me badly. Here are some of the things I lived with:

 

I had to change my phone number because some of my friends were guys, and he insisted they wanted to sleep with me.

 

I was not allowed to use Yahoo IM because he insisted I was talking to men to sleep with them.

 

I had a bucket of water dumped on me and my computer because I was smoking in my house.

 

He got mad at me and blamed me that his family didn't like me, when all I ever did was try (he had told them NOT to like me in the first place).

 

He cancelled plans with me to go out with other women. Then tell me he kissed them etc...

 

He would ignore me until I contacted him.

 

He got mad at me for getting upset when he called me names.

 

He got mad at me for getting upset that he had a date with a girl while he was with me.

 

He got mad at me because I was upset that he moved in with two women.

 

He got mad at me because I became friends with his two female roommates.

 

He blamed me that his life is chaos when I'm around.

 

He said it's my fault he has to move out of the house where he lives (the owner is selling it - has nothing to do with me)

 

He got mad at me each and every time I was upset and crying because of what he'd done to me.

 

He got mad at me because he says I judge him, which translates into he can do whatever he wants and I'm not to question.

 

Sex was on his terms when ever HE wanted it - i was rejected if I approached him.

 

He told me I would always be second to his friends and whatever else was going on in his life.

 

he told me I was just a "booty call" to him.

 

he'd call me psycho, crazy, psychotic

 

he told me how much he loved me etc so I'd break up with a nice guy i was seeing, then laughed about it afterwards and told me how he'd done it just to mess that up for me.

 

he stabbed a speaker that i was given as a birthday present from an ex with a screwdriver

 

he shoved me off the bed

 

he left bruises all over my arm from grabbing me

 

he sexually abused me (i'll leave out the gory details)

 

he told people horrible lies about me

 

he'd belittle me, call me names, make me feel so small, insignificant

 

I could go on and on... but it's over now. I'm on an anti-depressant and I'm going to get over this. I used to feel as though I couldn't breathe without him because he controlled my thoughts, my actions, my emotions - everything! He had me so wrapped up in him - and I know how it feels - BUT!!! I do not deserve this treatment. I never did anything to him but forgive, tolerate and adjust to the new expectations that were put upon me day after day. And you don't deserve it either! How do you heal without baggage? Well, just realize that you were the one that loved. There's nothing wrong with YOU, that it is because he is a twisted individual that he got off on treating you the way he did. That you can and will get better than him - that you have that potential - he does not. Walk away with your head held high... why? Because you survived it! You were strong enough to make it through! It is because he is weak that he needs to feel in control. Hating him is fine for now, but it won't last forever like that. You will begin to pity him and then feel nothing at all. What helps is just taking a deep breath and letting go of all off it. It's not important now - the only thing that is is that you're safe, you're away from him and you're going to be much better!

[SexySadie7]

Wow.. this forum as it often is is such an eye opener for me..

Geez.. Tempermental... there alot of things on your list too that my ex-bf did to me too...

All this time i just thought he was consumed with his own problems and just wasn't very sensitive guy! LOL..

What a fool i was too..

Yup.. he did these things to me too Tempermental.. I think it's called a controlling person.

Rejected me sexually when i approached or called him... but wanted sex on his terms. I NEVER turned him down. Though the first time we were together.. I told him i thought it would be better if we should wait b/c it was the wrong time of the month... afterwards... he sort of acted like i was gross cuz i had my period... but I did tell him I would rather wait til i knew him better..

Told me he was going to have sex with other women... this was in the shower before we were going to make love... Good timing, huh?

I took him out to nice concert....this was where he slapped me side of the head cuz I said something he found stupid.... there were hundreds of people there mind you.

What does everyone think of that? I was so shocked... i didn't know what to say or do... I think that was abuse though... What do you guys think?

The next day after concert.. after I had spent the night and made love with him several times... he gave my phone number out to his BROTHER IN LAW to call me for a date....so he'd be free to go out that night and not worry about me "bothering" him... He denied giving the b-i-l the number.. but I knew he was lying.

Belittled me too....once he even made fun of the fact I was a christian... b/c he believed in past lives and some Eastern religion....

The first time we were together he said that he wouldn't make me do anything that I didn't feel comfortable doing..

The next time.. he insisted that we were going to have anal sex.... even though I laughed at him.. and said No.. we weren't! We never did... I sure wasn't going to engage in this kind of behavior with a man who wanted multiple sex partners...

Made some snide remark b/c my father had died recently.. he said.. "well. he was old anyway.... he lived long enough life".... my dad was only in his mid 70s...most of my family lived until their late 80s...Gosh.. I thought it was so cold and cruel to say to someone who was grieving for their father.

Asked me to go out to this great 3 day concert... and at last minute.. just left without me.. but not before he left message saying i had 1 hour to get up to his house.. Mind you.. though i had directions to his house.. i had never been there before...and it was at least an hour's drive to get there.

I don't know.. i made so many excuses for him.. cuz he'd been in long term relationship and his wife fooled around on him.. He obviously had his heart broken.. but he didn't seem to mind breaking mine..

I guess.. you just have to life and learn Tempermental.. These guys sure do a number on your head though, don't you?

Finally.. though.. I think you just reach the point where you've had enough garbage and wake up and smell the coffee.. don't you tempermental?

[1love2k5]

hey man. i can relate to this. i've been in an abusive relationship with me ex also. he treated me so bad like your ex did. what you should do is if he ever approaches you again and then hits you, your best bet is to go to the police and have this guy locked up because no man should ever treat a woman in a disrespectful manner, and no matter what, if you should ever be alone with this guy ever again, make sure you carry a little bit of protection with you like a pocket knife. people always told me that if i'm ever alone out by myself, and i feel that a man is going to attack me, always carry a small weapon so you can protect yourself. you don't have to do this, but usually, it works. i've been through the same crap with my ex, and i've tried running after him with a knife, and he didn't even know i had a knife in my possession. what you should do is to kick this guy to the curb, and find a new guy who doesn't abuse you. forget this loser. any man who hits their woman are b******. leave this guy and never turn back. if you do, you just might end up either in the hospital having some stitches on you, or you can even end up in a cementary. you never know what can happen to you. it almost happened to me.

[SexySadie7]

1love... i was just curious... who are you advising to carry a knife with them? Me. Laclarita.. or tempermental?

I'm not so sure about that myself.. my ex is a rather big fellow and I'm sure he'd have no trouble overpowering me if we were ever to be alone again.

Having some pepper spray on you though.. probably isn't bad idea! You could spray them in the eyes and run like crazy.

[temperamental_taurus]

Hey Sexy! He most definitely was a manipulating control freak! I believe he was even a narcissist. He had no conscience at all! Unfortunately, I allowed very degrading things to happen to my body. Good for you for saying NO! Yeah, you get to a point where it all turns kinda numb... I have just accepted him for what he is and that there is no help for him, and that he'll never change... Yet, I don't hate him. I'm not even angry with him. It's almost like hating someone with terminal cancer - they can't help it, they can't change it and when they go, just look at it like all the pain and suffering is finally over.

 

I got this email today (and I'm gonna include it when I make my post for today too)

 

I have no intention of keeping any type of relations, sexual or otherwise with you. You bring contention into my life and I've realized that it is not something I desire at all. No need to argue or anything. Go on with your life and I hope you find happiness, but please do not contact me ever again.

 

Thanks,

-D****

 

What a sweetheart! LOL I could go on about this but I'll wait and put it in my post... But it's funny how he accepts absolutely NO responsibility for his actions. Like I had said earlier, he blames me. That I bring contention into his life. Whateva! But, what he doesn't realize is that I'll never accept the blame - it is not mine to take. I forgave him, tolerated him as best I could, satisfied him in ways that most women won't and loved him like crazy. And yeah, Sexy, he did a number on me - lol - all because he knew I loved him and that I would be there no matter what.

[SexySadie7]

Tempermental... are you talking about my ex-bf or yours when you write??

 

He most definitely was a manipulating control freak! I believe he was even a narcissist. He had no conscience at all! "

 

 

It's so funny.. cuz yeah.. every damn thing was on HIS terms.. when we would go out... he'd give me like hardly any notice if we were going anywhere... when we would or IF we would get together...

Even having sex for the first time... was like a take it or leave it venture.... what a screwed up way to start a relationship with a woman....

I used to think that he was such a laid back & caring guy... cuz that was how he acted BEFORE we got together romantically.. but after we got it on... it was all about HIM!

 

I think that's how these guys perhaps drag your into their web.... they don't act how they really are at first..... but after they get you hooked.. they start to reveal their true selves.

Do you think that's true tempermental? I would definitely call that a bit psycho. With my guy.. it was like watching Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde... that really why he did such a number on my head.. It was all SOOOO confusing.

 

Yeah.. he did a real number on my head too tempermental.. i'm actually thinking hypnotherapy might be a good way to get him OUT of my head!!

He's taken up space there way too long....

 

I think my ex was narcissist too... and if he's got a conscious...I hate to see a guy without one. He used to tell me he was a decent, honorable guy, a gentleman!!! lol. .. after we last made love... the stupid condom broke.. i wasn't on the pill either and was rather freaked out by it... Instead of making sure i was okay.. and got my period okay.. 2 days later after we made love ... he goes to same place i had taken him for concert.. picks up some girl and goes home with her for the night.... and then tells me about it when i called him that evening to say hi.

I don't know what to think of my ex... except if he's a gentleman.. then all the dictionaries must have exchanged the definition of genleman for CAD! LOL

These guys are just TOO flipping weird tempermental.. I thought for sure when i read your e-mail that was something that YOU had sent HIM!!! lol.....

it's just too flipping much.. they are so sick it's almost funny!!!

[blueyes25]

I was just reading through the posts and wanted to throw my 2 cents in - I to, went through this - but it was over a year ago now. When I came out of it - I went straight to a counselor. Seek help - b/c it will strengthen you.

I was scared a lot b/c he stalked me, broke into my bank account, e-mail, and everything else. I had to call the police on numerous occasions and this was all for leaving him and the relationship behind. It was the best thing I could ever do for myself. Remember, you will not be damaged for life - youjusthave to heal

 

My thoughts are with you. This is a difficult time, but you will get through it - you are more than this and deserve to have better in your life.

 

Blue

[brando]

Just remember forgivness is for you... even forgiving him for what he did and did not know..that is for you as well. Holding that resentment in will eat you up slowly. Im not saying you have to tell him you forgive him..tell yourself you forgive him.. not now, not tonmorrow when you are ready.

 

best of luck.

[Hope75]

Just remember forgivness is for you... even forgiving him for what he did and did not know..that is for you as well. Holding that resentment in will eat you up slowly. Im not saying you have to tell him you forgive him..tell yourself you forgive him.. not now, not tonmorrow when you are ready.

.

 

Truer words were never spoken. It's really for you and your healing and moving on then about him.

 

Well said, Brando.