Engaged and constantly thinking of/missing another man

[csar26]

Just over a year ago, I began seeing another man, a friend, whom I kept in touch with via email for years, since college. After a series of emails, he showed up at my work one day, and it basically escalated from there. My reason at the beginning for seeing him was for intimacy reasons. My b-friend gave intimacy randomly, and continued to do so despite me telling him how I felt. We were fighting a lot at the time, and I thought that the relationship was doomed to soon end. Anyway, I soon began to develop deep feelings for my friend, and it got to the point of where I was missing him all of the time. I felt extremely guilty though, and I still do, because I've come to realize that nobody deserves to be cheated on. I should have focussed my energy on making a decision to either try to work things through with my b-friend, or leave, before getting involved with someone else. Two months ago, I said good-bye to my friend. I just couldn't continue on as I was. Unfortunately, by that point, my friend had become deeply in love, and my decision left him hurt, badly. I am still with my b-friend, whom I am now engaged to, as of Feb this year. I'm not quite sure why I said yes. He proposed at a terrible time. Maybe I've become used to our routine, I don't know. I love him though, and he has been making more of an effort, but I can't shake the past year from my mind. Here I am supposed to be thinking of wedding plans and a future with my fiancé, and all I feel is numbness. I am confused. If I were to tell my fiancé about what happened, he would be crushed. I don't think he would ever trust another woman in his lifetime...

[DN]

You have to do some serious self-analysis and decide what you want. And soon. It would not be fair to your fiancé to marry him if you do not love him - he may be crushed but he deserves a wife who loves him without reservation. If you can't do that then you should let him go, If you can marry him loving him as you should, then don't tell him about the other guy.

[lady00]

Bottom Line: How do you REALLY feel about your fiance? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Breaking up an engagement is a lot less complicated (logistically, not necessarily emotionally) than getting a divorce. Don't marry someone unless you are 100% sure you want to be with. You say your fiance will be crushed if he finds out about the affair...but he would also be crushed later on if he is madly in love with you but you don't feel the same way and were still fantasizing about someone else. If you have to convince yourself that you love your fiance and want to be with him, you're not in it for the right reasons.

[Kurodashi]

This is my suggestion, and I know you may not want to hear this, but Il let it be said so you understand all perspectives.

As being a victim of infedelity myself... I highly value trust.

Friendships can not reach full potential without trust, dating thereforeee can not either. Marriage? Certainly not. To be dishonest or hide things when even considering marriage is a strike against your promise to marry him.

 

That being said, you should explain the situation to your fiance. He should be your confidant, your rock, your other half. If you have to hold this, or anything else back from him, there isnt much point devoting your entire existence to the love of him.

 

Once you have been clean about how you feel, whats happened, and what you feel should happen in the future... see how he deals with it.

If he is ready to forgive you and work through this, and you are ready to fess up to him and work at it too.. then it is worth it.

 

If you cant be open with him and work through it, or he cant deal with this truth - then its destined not to be.

 

Good luck.

[lisica]

I was engaged to get married in Spring 2004. The reservations for the city hall, the church and the party location were made. I even had the wedding dress. In Fall 2003 I developed a crush on another man. The feelings were mutual, and to make it even worse, he too was in a relationship.

 

Needless to say that I was very confused. My first reaction was to focus fully on the wedding plans, as if that would miraculously make everything alright. It did not, of course. Things got worse as days went by. Thinking about the wedding gave me a feeling as if some invisible hand grabbed my neck so I could not breath anymore. I knew that on the moment that I would say "I do", I would be thinking about the other man.

 

I ended up cancelling the wedding and breaking up with the man I was engaged with. I have no regrets about my decision. That I developed a crush on someone else was a clear indication that something was missing in my relationship. It was important enough to decide not to get married. I am very grateful I found out in time.

[regret1]

lisica Wrote

 

I ended up cancelling the wedding and breaking up with the man I was engaged with. I have no regrets about my decision. That I developed a crush on someone else was a clear indication that something was missing in my relationship. It was important enough to decide not to get married. I am very grateful I found out in time.

 

I am glad you have made the right choice. Many people have would have gone through with the wedding and would end in this forum "infidelity."

[Hope75]

I have to agree with other posters. If there are any doubts that you are not sure about spending forever with your fiance than it would be incredibly selfish of you to marry him, and posslbly regret it later.

 

Both you and your fiance deserve to be sure that this is IT and you both want to be together forever. Anything less than that is not worthy of such a sacred commitment.

 

How would you feel if your fiance walked down the aisle to you, thinking about another woman and not sure if he wanted to commit to you forever?

 

Pretty lousy, huh?

 

Think this over seriously before you make any rash decisions, including walking down the aisle.

[saltwatergirl]

I think you should cancel your current relationship, engagement ring and all, until you decide what you want. I'd hate to think that I was engaged to someone who didn't even know why he was doing it. Most people don't want charity relationships.

 

On another note, I doubt that he will never trust another woman in his lifetime just because of you. That is just your ego talking. I'm sure you will both fully recover from it.

 

Salt

[miracle29]

csar I truly understand your delima. I also feel your pain. But let me break down something for you and for those others out there who may be contemplating cheating. I am here to help you so i hope you listen and take heed. Cheating does not last, it somehow always hurts you and others, its called cheating for a reason and trust me, it is not healthy. It is not made to last, and it always has drama included.

 

When a person cheats usually they go through the following stages, unless they are a person who lacks moral and has a very small heart if any.

 

Stage 1. "I know I should'nt ...I'll just avoid them (this should be the last stage for many of us, but do we ever listen to our better half of our self? NOOOO..so then comes stage 2.

Stage 2. "I keep thinking about them, i must tell my friends, maybe they will help!!" WRONG, only a few will say "NO WAY DUDE or GIRL DON"T DO IT) , and that is probably the first friend you will ignore!!! You will go for your other friend, the one who is also confused and hates men/women and couldnt guide toilet paper to his/her caboost.

 

Stage 3. "I wonder if my significant other can feel me thinking about this person, ohhh i'm wrong...

 

Next thing you know subconsciously you have started an argument with your significant other and now you move to stages 4-6

 

Stage 4. You start venting to the person you know good and well you should not be venting anything about YOUR relationship too. THey all of a sudden become super man/woman because they are perfect and they know ALL the answers and they could never do wrong, and they agree with your every thought and feeling. Little did you know, they are indeed no good and by far the worst person for you to vent too. They will tell you what you want to hear, and they will tell you everything you dont need to know about how to basically tear up your relationship so that they indeed can have you as they wanted origanally. But you brainwashed began comparing your significant other to them thinking "Man why can't he just be like him?" Or "Why can't my girlfriend be so understanding.

 

Stage 5. The majestic period. This person on the side has now moved from "SIN" to "SIGNIFICANT OTHER ON THE SIDE" somehow you forgot that you have already gone through this with the main person, but you being greedy and selfish dont remember the great things aobut you significant other. All you see is the bad, because this new person has clouded your judgement. Now instead of you working things out, rekindling the flames with you and yours, you're boredom with them turns into obsession about the other person. WHich leads you to stage 6.

 

Stage 6 . is the "Don't touch me, i don't want to have sex with you, (usually this stage comes when you've done the UNTHINKABLE with Mr. or Ms. Side person). Now your significant other can do nothing right, and nothing is ever good enough. You are so deep now into this sin, and this mistake you so clumsily fell into, that now you are (subconsciously) tearing up your own relationship. The person on the side is loving every minute of it.

 

 

Now this brings you to stage 7. "I'm so wrong for this, this is so horrible, i feel GUILTY". Now gifts for the so called "significant" other and sweet talk and all this come in . Your significant other is not awake, and doesnt understand how you can go from 0 degrees to 98 degrees. Now the "What is going on here? ...why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden". And now you realize you are in deep poo poo.

 

I could go through stages 8-10 but i think you all get the point.

 

Now you have placed YOURSELF in a situation to make a hard decision that didnt have to be made unltill you made a wrong turn. Now its "Well i have years invested here" or "Oh man, why did i do this?"

 

Which brings us to where you are now. You decided that it was wrong, and you cut the other guy off, and what others don't realize is that the "What goes around comes around" doesnt always hit everyone the same. Now you have accepted this engagement out of pure guilt and semi love and have spoiled the relationship you had in the first place. This other man is a dog (I tell you this out of love,not to hurt you). He didnt respect your man and your commitment to eachother. If he really loved you as he claims, he would have waited for you to be single. Now you can't stop thinking of him. The truth is, if you would just let him go and try to rekindle what has been lost with your man, you and he could possibly survive.

 

Now my final advice to you is to let this other guy go. Pray for forgiveness for your mistakes, read the bible, and stay away from friends who think its ok to live the "double life". Respect your Fiance enough either let him go, or love him 100%. No one wants half of a person, thats never been a request on the dating hotline, EVER. I hope you can think about what your future holds, and also let go of this fantasy that this other guy has fooled you with. He is not your prince charming, prince charming and your real soul mate would respect you enough to say "Hey if i can't have all of you, then i don't want any of you" . And i promise you this, mark my words, if you do end things with your fiance, and go to this smooth talker, eventually you will see that he is not flawless, he too is going to bore you one day, he too will lose his "OH he just makes me ooze with love". He is human, and so are you. FOrgive yourself, make a decision 100% and let that be that. Either way, make a 100% decision ok? Good luck. Its not healthy to keep bouncing back and forth. I am telling you something i know. Good luck to you and all of you out there who are a bit confused. I hope you choose the right path.