Another day of Hell for me!!! Breaking up!

[TiredMan]

I'm going through hell daily now. Please read the backstory because I explained many details there.

 

To read the backstory, go here : link removed

 

Anyway, had another 2 hour convo tonight. Not any arguing but some tough stuff. Seems like no matter what I say, she keeps saying how she just feels it's all tainted and how she was feeling something so negative that she felt relief when she made her decision. In my heart, I know it's because of the fighting, and the leaving I was doing. Because she would always tell me how the good times were worth it to her. She always said that. But now, she says the opposite. It's weird. I kept talking about how I can't change past things but have admitted my faults completely and am doing the things I need to do (calm down, going to therapy etc.) Just when I hear her, she sounds like she just keep repeating the same things over and over. She says things like a relationship shouldn't be that hard. I told her relationships are hard and hard work and everyone I know who is in them says the same thing. I told her I feel hurt that I feel like she is doing a 180 degree turn even though I blame myself for the fighting. I feel that if the fighting isn't there, she would be completely happy because she always was when we didn't fight. It's just the fighting got to be a lot and I would get hurt and walk away which I will not do again. I also told her and feel that no matter what she did, other than cheat or something like that, I would stick by her and I would.

 

She didn't want us to talk tomorrow as we had a 2 hour convo yesterday and one tonight. She asked if we can talk Wednesday so I agreed. She said pretty much, it was a break. How she felt so much stress when we talk and how she is worried about what I might do (to myself) because of this etc. First day of therapy for me is tomorrow.

 

I still love her and want to marry her if I can get her to forgive and trust me again. About my emotional issues, I admit them, take responsibility for them and am getting therapy to resolve them. Therapist told me that when the person WANTS help, he can be helped and I do. I'm just so heartbroken about this. Also, she wanted to be a part of every part of my life and I let her. So I can't just be ok now. I don't have anything in the world that isn't from her or gotten with her.

 

Any pointers? Tomorrow will be extra tough with therapy and not talking to her at all. If you read the back story, you will understand why it's important how we talk and only tell each other certain things and always have been that way. Thanks.

[Darkshadow]

Just hold on, you may just be getting what you need, the strength, to go through and walk through this hell for her. She is strengthening you, just don't give up! Trust me. How could she not love you? 8 Years. Read this thing I wrote, maybe it will rally you up. Fight it. Win this battle for her.

 

Shouting Heights

 

I want to hold you

On the highest mountaintop scream your name,

It's a shame,

I will steal you away.

 

I will cry out my lungs that I feel you,

That I need you,

That I'll kiss you on the highest of heights,

Spinning in circles the specter of our highest kiss,

Above the clouds the echo of my love for you.

 

Scream with pain I will,

Louder than the loud,

Above the castles made of clouds,

Oh so very very loud.

 

My lovely spin with me in the happiness of these heights,

We will conquer mountaintops,

I will fly with you my dearest,

I will shout my loudest love for you

For all the small of the world to hear,

The song of my heart for you my dear.

 

I will shake the world with the power you give me,

The flight beneath your winds,

The energy of you

Flowing through my chest into and out through my lungs.

Into the air we breathe.

This heavy air can't take me down.

You are my security,

You within me.

 

I will shout my pain through like thunder,

My desperate aching for your heartbeat on mine.

Your face is more than fine,

Lovely kiss me gently and force,

Force your power into me and kill my pain,

Replace it to face it with your

Aura of lovely existence.

 

My love, my dear,

I shout these heights with fearless might.

I will go on so strong as your companion.

We can't be stopped, shove the weak aside,

This is where we abide,

We will go on.

Don't give up,

I will shout these heights.

 

When the time comes I will comfort you gently,

Rest your head on the softest cloud.

I won't speak loud,

I will speak softly,

So softly I will tickle your ear,

So softly I will release your fears.

 

I will gaze into your eyes,

To find our happiness.

Bliss forever and secure it with a kiss.

A kiss so soft and moist it will never be forgotten.

Our hearts will tremble,

Our eyes will subside

Into the heaven created in our hearts.

 

I will kiss you with everything that I am,

With all that I am, and that I will be

For you, you so lovely.

I will kiss you into a different world,

Beyond anything we've ever seen.

I'll take you with me,

To safety.

 

I will fight the army in the rain,

Absorb the many many pains,

Go down shouting your lovely name.

As said before my cry will flow through the clouds,

Louder than thunder,

Louder than anger.

I will rise, not to surprise

But to reveal.

That I do not fear,

For you are here to heal.

 

Heal my suffers, mend them so tight.

I give you my life,

Hold it safely my special one.

Give it purpose to move on.

To grow strong.

 

I will carry you through the rain,

Through and passed the pain.

Over and above the suffering,

I will take you with me.

 

I am stabbed through my heart,

This pain so intense,

But I love it.

It gives me laughter,

It makes me feel so alive.

I can shout until I cry,

I will not lie.

 

I will shout these heights for you.

I will shout these heights for us.

We will kiss above the weak,

We will find our happiness together.

Stay strong,

You aren't what is wrong.

It is not us but those who aren't strong.

 

Fight for yourself and I will join you.

We will fight to live together,

I will take all your burdens my love.

I will carry them through Hell,

I will slave them to the end of our highest mountaintop,

And throw them off to fly.

 

We will be lighter than the clouds we play on.

We will fly to our stars and our memories forever,

Forever holding on to each other.

Nothing can stop us.

Listen to the rain, my love.

Each and every beat represents,

The seconds my heart beats for you.

Let this be true.

Let us be true and one.

 

One forever but two in love.

I will not push you aside.

We will fall accross our separate paths.

But only to meet at the crossroads again.

Don't give in.

 

I will follow you to the end of time, and past.

If you can let me please.

Please live,

Live with me,

We will live together,

Not in material but in paradise.

Paradise of mind and energy.

Your heart beating within me.

My heart beating within you.

Let this be true.

My love let us be true.

 

I will shout these Heights for you.

 

-Tony

[TiredMan]

I am trying to hold on. My days are so bad. I put everything I had into this because I knew what I was doing hurt her. It hurt me too. We are still talking about it but her mind feels so angry and hurt.

 

This morning, I called her because I was up all night again. I am getting very sick from it. I have only 2 people I have spoken to which are my mother and an old friend. While the old friend listens, she lives pretty far and has her own stuff to deal with. We also had not been talking often before. My mom is my mom. My mom mentioned stuff about how if she is thinking about herself, I have to as well and not be afraid to call her and tell her. So I did this AM.

 

We spoke about 30 minutes before she went to work. And my emotions let out. I didn't yell or anything. I just told her how I feel about how I know I am completely wrong but feel like by admitting and going to therapy, it's all I can do because I love her. If I could go back in time, I would. How I feel like she isn't standing by my side and it hurts. She got upset and accused me of giving her a guilt trip. She told me no one knows how hurt she was during those times. I told her I understand and agree. I also know that no matter what she has done or is doing to me, I know I stand by her. We didn't get off on a bad or angry not but it just feels like I am trying to reach through these defenses. I know she knows I won't just be ok and fine with stuff and this is all my heart talking. But I also can't give up because she is exactly what i have always wanted, and I know I am to her (from everything she has said and done) but the fighting and my reactions tainted it. I just am trying to get through to her heart because I know she still loves me that I know what I did and am doing everything I can to fix it, no matter how hard it is.

[TiredMan]

Update: I went to the therapist today and had my first session. I talked about almost everything about myself but of course time ran out before we could really hit anything. It's not stuff I haven't talked about before though. I tried to keep busy all day with friends but now I am alone again. It was tough all day whenever I went somewhere I got sad or thought about something, I got sad.

 

I'm supposing I need to keep trying to reach into her because for 7 1/2 years she was the most caring sweet person one could be. But now she seems so fed up.

[confusedashell]

I'm supposing I need to keep trying to reach into her because for 7 1/2 years she was the most caring sweet person one could be. But now she seems so fed up.

 

Thats hard mate. I feel for you. Really. Thats a long time to spend with someone and then just blow them off. Keep doing what you're doing! Maybe get something to do at the nights to fillthe hours until bedtime? Keep your mind occupied? Thats what I'm going to be doing the times I dont have a four year old to run arund after. I know its hard mate, I'm going through the same thing. Its hard when they just havent fought for anything, like the last 7 years just didnt matter. But trust me, sooner or later she will realise how she acted and most likely realise it was a mistake. Just totally back off from her. Be as indifferent to everything as you can be and when she calls you next just be as normal as possible. That seems to have a way of shifting the control.

[TiredMan]

Thats hard mate. I feel for you. Really. Thats a long time to spend with someone and then just blow them off. Keep doing what you're doing! Maybe get something to do at the nights to fillthe hours until bedtime? Keep your mind occupied? Thats what I'm going to be doing the times I dont have a four year old to run arund after. I know its hard mate, I'm going through the same thing. Its hard when they just havent fought for anything, like the last 7 years just didnt matter. But trust me, sooner or later she will realise how she acted and most likely realise it was a mistake. Just totally back off from her. Be as indifferent to everything as you can be and when she calls you next just be as normal as possible. That seems to have a way of shifting the control.

 

The thing is she is EXACTLY like me except female. Only difference is when I get hurt, I get mad. When she might get hurt, she always walks away. She has always avoided confrontations with people. I can't blame her because if you read the stuff I did, I was horrible to her and she went through the hell I am going through now, many many many times. Only difference is I never talked with her and kept doing it. I would just not talk with her because I was so hurt and didn't know how to handle it. It wasn't "me" doing it but the emotions. The therapist I saw today could see how much I have built up from my past and she knows all about it.

 

I just have to reach her because my whole life has been her because she wanted it that way. Now I'm stuck with pretty much no one.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thats hard mate. I feel for you. Really. Thats a long time to spend with someone and then just blow them off. Keep doing what you're doing! Maybe get something to do at the nights to fillthe hours until bedtime? Keep your mind occupied? Thats what I'm going to be doing the times I dont have a four year old to run arund after. I know its hard mate, I'm going through the same thing. Its hard when they just havent fought for anything, like the last 7 years just didnt matter. But trust me, sooner or later she will realise how she acted and most likely realise it was a mistake. Just totally back off from her. Be as indifferent to everything as you can be and when she calls you next just be as normal as possible. That seems to have a way of shifting the control.

 

The thing is she is EXACTLY like me except female. Only difference is when I get hurt, I get mad. When she might get hurt, she always walks away. She has always avoided confrontations with people. I can't blame her because if you read the stuff I did, I was horrible to her and she went through the hell I am going through now, many many many times. Only difference is I never talked with her and kept doing it. I would just not talk with her because I was so hurt and didn't know how to handle it. It wasn't "me" doing it but the emotions. The therapist I saw today could see how much I have built up from my past and she knows all about it.

 

I just have to reach her because my whole life has been her because she wanted it that way. Now I'm stuck with pretty much no one.

 

I am in practically the exact same situation. I feel your pain. I´ve known my gf for 10 years. We broke up once because of my issues, but it was my decision to do it. I really regretted it and after she broke up with her rebound guy we got back together. But now it seems I have screwed it up again. There is another rebound guy on the scene and she said she could never be with me again. I think about her and miss her all the time.

 

I remember the last time we were broken up, I would occasionally be able to see her face to face. I could always tell that she really loved me even though her words said otherwise. She would practically blush in my presense. But now I am hundreds of miles away from her and don´t have that luxury. I considered flying to see her even though she´ll probably reject me again. But at least it will be in person. In some ways it´s worth it even if I´m totally crushed. I´ll be able to look into her eyes and see what´s really going on.

 

I guess there´s some part of me that knows that she loves me so much, but what things I have done to hurt her have hurt her deeply. She is a very sensitive person, and I am too. It seems like she´s trying to dull her pain to the world by grabbing a new bf and drinking all the time. I wish there were some way for me to break down that wall so we could be together again. What we had was truly special.

 

Anyway, stay strong. Keep talking to us. I hope things turn out well for you.

[OceanEyes]

I also know that no matter what she has done or is doing to me, I know I stand by her.

 

I can't say much else about your situation, but I noticed this statement right away. Do you say this to her? Or something like this?

 

The reason I ask, is because I doubt that she's trying to do anything to you right now. Your mom is right, she is thinking about herself, but it's human nature to protect your heart when things get too rough. You've said yourself, you've made some mistakes and said some horrible things. It's not fair that you blame her right now (with us, okay, with her? NO).

 

I'm just saying, that if you come accross, even if it's heartfelt, that you're blaming her for how she's acting right now, that you're going to push her further away. I understand that you're hurting and having a really hard time here, but if you want a chance to be with her in the future, you should avoid - at all costs - blaming her for anything right now. You must take responsibility and accept that your actions drove her away. She's not intentionally "doing" anything to you. Don't give her the impression that you think that, if at all possible.

[TiredMan]

Problem is I did that this morning and she got so mad. I can't take it back obviously. It's so hard. I have had nightmares for years where I see the sad face she had when I would be mean. It has been haunting me for a long time. I'm not a mean person. In fact, I am probably one of the most caring people ever. Everyone who knows me says this. On the opposite end, my emotions can get hurt so bad that I don't know what is happening sometimes. This is why I am getting help now. When I think about that sad face I gave her those times, I wish I could die because I feel so bad. I wish I could do anything to fix it those times. My emotions just always got the better of me.

 

I don't want to call her tonight because I sad that this morning. Should I text message her cell or something where I say I'm sorry I said that this morning or something?

[TiredMan]

We didn't speak last night. I know she worked late and our morning and night before was a lot. I have been told that I should basically "force" my way to see her rather than just ask nicely considering she has done it many times. I don't mean like show up banging on the door but more like "be in the neighborhood" and call and say that I need to do this. I feel like the longer she goes without seeing my face, the more distant she becomes and just sees me as "the pain she has felt".

 

This is how she is. When she thinks about things, he mind almost cannot be trusted sometimes.

[Demond34]

Right now all she feels and sees is the pain you caused her. With distancing yourself, she won't build up all those negative feelings, rather those feelings will dissapate. She needs time by herself to really get her emotions in check. So she can weigh the good with the bad.

 

My girl (5 years) was the sort of the same way, fed up, didnt want to hear anything I had to say, confused, all of that. If you LOVE her, the way you say you do, then let her go. I told my girl after weeks of trying and getting nowhere, I finally said, "I love you and you always told me to show you, well here i am, fighting for us to work, but I know i cant change your feelings but only to show you mine. BUt if letting you go makes you happy then go and be happy. I'll be there for ya when you need me as a friend, but I can't be friends with you right now." Not the exact words but close enough. I was just going with the IF you love something, then let it go.

 

It was hard for me to do, but wouldnt you know shes been calling and we've been hanging out. All the pleading got me no where, until I started to tell her that i didnt want her to contact me anymore and that I couldnt be friends with her just yet, and i gave her space, is when i was actually was able to get thru to her. I dont bring up us anymore, b/c quite frankly they dont want to hear it right after a break up and all it was doing for me was making me miserable. I started to work on myself and take everything else day by day. Becoming the man i was once in the beginning of the reltionship, the man she fell in love with.

 

When you're in a relationship for a long time, sometimes the little things that make a relationship tick get lost. Work on yourself brother, not her. Show her by actions, NOT WORDS that you're making changes, that you're strong and yes, that you were wrong.

 

I heard this somewhere, Women are like shadows, when you chase them, they disappear, when you walk away, they follow. Sorta funny, but also sorta true.

 

Keep your head up, don't get down on yourself, don't break down in front of her. If you're so caring, then care about her needs right now and act happy and cheerful when you talk to her. Do this and notice the difference with the tone of voice she uses with you.

[TiredMan]

Demond,

 

I hear what you are saying. The thing with me and her is simple. We both are a similar personality. We don't get to people who think selfishly or are hurtful because it hurts us. We have talked about this so many times. I would hang out with people and the time I spent was so "wrong" because they weren't like me. I would always have to be "on guard". She is the same with people. We always talked about how we don't have to do that with each other. I know it's too emotional and this is why I am doing therapy in hopes to resolve that.

 

But I didn't think of her as my g/f. I thought of her as my family. I have had major issues going on which have prevented me from marrying her and doing all that. She knows about and understood this. She isn't the type to force that. I mean she has been with me 8 years without us living together or marriage. I just was trying to get through all my stuff.

 

She is the type that when she thinks about things, her mind will come up with crazy stuff. She is a very scared person. As am I, when it comes to this stuff. I do love her but feel like backbone was taken from me. When I used to break it off with her out of frustration (deep down i wasn't thinking and I always caved in because the love was there) she would do anything, and i mean anything she had to to reach me.

 

I try to keep these feelings in but we have only shared them with each other and no one else for all these years because before that, everything was internalized by both of us. I am an over caring person and I can't be open with people. In fact, not with ANYONE except her. I know it's bad but that is just how it was.

 

I just wish she could see the pain I am going through with my own life problems, health issues, going to therapy, and on top of that, having to deal with this alone now when she never ONCE said she would leave and in fact would say she wouldn't very often. I am actually going through a lot more personal stuff than that and she knows it. I just got completely blindsided.

 

When I don't talk to her about this, I just sit and think about it every second of every day because that is just how I do things. I, unfortunately, am unable to keep busy to get my mind of stuff. I have never had that ability. I have tried almost every day and it doesn't work for me and never has. When I'm upset, I can't do anything.

[TiredMan]

Also, I forgot,

 

The thing that sent this over the edge was the last time I stopped talking to her. It was a full 4 weeks. During that time, she did NOT pick up the phone to call me once. Earlier, she would have called non stop. Towards the last few times, might call once or twice. This time, NOTHING. So I think that was her "space" no?

[Demond34]

Dude, read my story, its posted in the breaking up section. There are alot of similarities between the both of our situations. I too have been thru a rough situation. In which my girl stuck by me thru everything. I too pushed her away, i too walked away numerous times, we fought, our relationship wasn't perfect. How was she? She was great, more than anything i could of asked for. She always said i was perfect, never felt this way about anyone, knew i was the one, said she'd LOVE me FOREVER and that she was never letting me go. Was always there for me.

 

What about me, I never opened up to her the way she did to me. I'd say stupid things, never really talk about the future together, where as she always did. This bothered her. We also weren't living together and I wasn't ready to get married, b/c of my predictament. Which is my fault, b/c i was ashamed of what i went thru and always thought I wouldn't be able to make her happy. Well that was a mistake, it shouldn't of been up to me, it should of been up to her, to determine that.

 

I thought of her as family also. She spent almost everynite at my house. We did everything together, I mean everything. But we just got into a rut. You talk about gifts you got from her and things you bought with her. Same here, my room is covered in things from her or that i got with her. Clothes included.

 

My world was turned upside down, when she dropped the bomb on me. I was a wreck, couldn't function, couldn't do anything. Found interest in nothing, everything was dull. I pleaded, professed my love, did everything a fool in love does. But you know what, she wasn't in the state of mind to HEAR IT! They know you love them and they don't wanna hear it. The only thing that comes from there mouth is, "where was this back then", "if you love me so much why did you do or say those things." "How do i know things are gonna change." "I'm scared its just going to go back to the way it was." Thats whats driving them right now, there negative emotions and feelings. What you say right now won't bring their guard down, they have to do it on their own.

 

I did the NC after I couldnt take her being so cold to me anymore,. I just couldn't understand how her feelings could change so quick. But it wasn't that her feelings changed for me, she was just tired of being hurt. SHe was also stressed out from her family, living at home and her job. She was looking to run away and to move to another state.

 

This crushed me and right before I did NC, instead of asking for a 2nd chance, i applauded her on her courage to do something with her life, told her how strong she was and wished her the best for her, truly sincere about it.

 

2 weeks later she called and i said firmly but politely, that i can't be her friend yet and that i asked her not to contact me anymore, until i can view her as a friend. Well women dont listen and she called later that nite. Its in my story, i wont go on anymore about that. But you need to stand up before you can walk. You took the first step with therapy. The next one would be to let her breathe and let her think about what she wants out of her own life without you imposing your struggles and feelings onto her. Let her be my friend. Be that caring and unselfish person you say you are.

 

Theres nothing more unselfish then letting the person you love and care so much, go. If you would do anything for her, then do this for her. I promise you, if she truly loves you and deeply cares for you, she'll reach out her hand to you. I'll leave you with that.

 

Be proud you met someone that made such an impact on your life, now do something for her by letting her go and getting yourself to be the man she fell in love with.

[Demond34]

Also, I forgot,

 

The thing that sent this over the edge was the last time I stopped talking to her. It was a full 4 weeks. During that time, she did NOT pick up the phone to call me once. Earlier, she would have called non stop. Towards the last few times, might call once or twice. This time, NOTHING. So I think that was her "space" no?

 

 

But you chose to not talk to her then. That wasnt her choosing to have space then. This time its her.

[TiredMan]

Yes our stories have similarities except for one thing. I did and have always opened up to her. We did it for each other. The only big problems we had were 3 things. My temper when hurt leading me 1) to leave 2) say bad things or do scary things (not hit her) when mad 3) be so into what was bad for me that I didn't want to listen to things she was saying about her day as much as she wanted. While all of them are horrible, I believe it was number 1 that set her off like this.

 

Everything else was great. Just it got to be too often towards the end. When I try to avoid talking to her (it took everything i have not to call her after yesterday morning until now), I have no one to talk to who cares enough or even comes close to understanding me.

 

Let me put it this way. I would marry her today but I wouldn't even have a best man because I'm not close to anyone like that. My closest and longest friend right now is a female who lives farther now and I haven't seen in over a year. I have some friends but they are not close friends because they are not like me (caring etc.).

 

Keep in mind we are both also 30 years old. Another difference. I'm not in the going out phase anymore and never want to do that again.

[TiredMan]

Another thing I forgot to add, because of how I am and how she is, close friends are hard to come by. Other than her, I have one close friend who is female but doesn't live closeby and we talked maybe once a month before this is happening. The rest are friends but there is no one I talked to daily but her b/c of how I don't trust people who are selfish and what not. Anyway, I feel very alone and feel awkward calling these people daily to talk or hang out. You know what I mean? Like using them, which is kind of how it must appear like.

 

There were many days that she was the only person I spoke to. I don't work much (due to these issues) and that work I do is all from home. It's a very tough situation for NC.

[TiredMan]

I keep trying to type in here to avoid doing something drastic to myself or going crazy. Because of how I am, I basically lost the only person I could truly talk to. I have been talking to my mother but she is emotional too and she is suffering at work because she knows her son feels like this and it's making me feel so bad to even let her see me.

[Demond34]

Pray to your higher power.

 

I dont know what you believe in, if anything at all.

 

I turn to God all the time, not just troubled times and I always remember, if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

 

How were you as a person before you met her?

[TiredMan]

I'm not religious.

 

I don't remember being without her. It's been that long. Before I met her, I was in a different mindset. Early 20's, going out and all that stuff. That is not my thing anymore and won't be.

 

She called me tonight and we talked for an hour. Nothing about the relationship but just normal talk. But she sounded like the person I knew. She asked me how my therapy stuff went and I told her I don't want to get into it with her. And I got off the phone this time instead of her. I just hope things change because I love her so much and I believe we were made for each other. But who knows anymore.

 

I hope the people who say she will come around are right. I have been so bad that I have lost 20 pounds in about 3 weeks.

[Demond34]

Just remember to stay happy and positive around her and don't put any pressure on her. You'll be fine, stay strong and take it day by day.

[TiredMan]

To be honest, I'm not happy and won't be. The only time I was truly happy is when we spent time together hugging or even walking around holding hands. All other stuff that bothers me didn't matter during that time. I know she felt that way as well. She always said it many times everytime I saw her.

 

I'm going day by day but I feel like I am JUST hanging on from going crazy. I know people have to go on when their loved ones die and I have had people die but this is a different feeling. With those things, you are just ridiculously sad but know there is nothing you did to cause it or nothing you can do. In this case, I know I caused it and she isn't dead. It would be like if I lost a loved one who died and I was truly responsible for it too like I had been a drunk and I got into a crash with her in the car. Not only the sadness but the unbelievable guilt too.

[Demond34]

I feel ya, man. I know what its like. But you being sad, depressed, needy around her, WILL NOT help the situation. YOu have to be happy and positive around her. Everyone else will say the same thing.

 

You're gonna feel crazy, hopeless, like you can't go on, thats all normal. DO it behind close doors, or with your counselor, or with your mom, but not in front of her. ITs only gonna push her away.

 

Act your caring, unselfish self around her and she'll wanna talk to you. She'll bring her tone down, also.

[RayKay]

I know people have to go on when their loved ones die and I have had people die but this is a different feeling. With those things, you are just ridiculously sad but know there is nothing you did to cause it or nothing you can do.

 

I can say from experience, that no, it is worse when a loved one dies...and in this particular case, it is better your partner breaks up with you then dies. I wonder if you are comparing your experience with the death of a family member or friend to a breakup. As someone who's past boyfriend died, but also had grandparents, friends, other relatives die, I can say that the death of a partner is worse then a breakup.

 

No you do not have to deal with rejection, or anything, but you still have regrets. Regrets you were not there when they went, or you did not say everything you should of, or wonder if there was something you could of done after all. At least with breakups, as much as it breaks your heart, the person you love/loved is still able to have a future, and you both can love again, be happy, perhaps be friends again. When someone dies...that does not happen. You still lose the future you planned, as you would in a breakup, but the world also loses a wonderful person - as does their family, friends, and you. I would rather not be able to be in a romantic relationship with someone yet have them happy and alive, then have them die.

 

Don't get me wrong, I did have to move on. Just like I have had in breakups, and I am happy now, and am in love with someone new. But I do wish that my deceased boyfriend was still alive, not necessarily that we were still together, as I am happy where I am not, and maybe we were not right for one another, but he was my best friend, and I loved him, and I wish the world still had him around. He was a light in the life of everyone he met, and the world lost when he was lost.

 

Sorry, I am not sure why that comment bothered me so much, but it did. It hurts to lose someone no matter whether in death or a breakup, but I find it foolish to think that death would be easier or preferred, just because there is no "rejection" so to speak..I don't know.

 

You need to move on whether it is death or a breakup. You are allowing yourself to remain stuck, and following a mantra that "you will never be happy". You are the creator of your own destiny, and if you keep telling yourself that, you are right, you WON'T be happy. You must start rebuilding, and if it means reaching out to other people, do it. It is not good to centre your entire life on someone as you are on her, and you did in past, and still do.

 

I am glad you are in therapy, keep at it. And talk about these feelings...they ARE normal after a breakup, honestly. But as Demond said, don't be that way around her. And yes, keep talking to your mom too, that's what moms are for

[TiredMan]

That is how we did it. We confided in each other because the way we are, we only could trust each other. It was a choice made because everyone else didn't understand.

 

The death comparison was just saying that you are in no position to change anything because they are gone. I have lost family and it's very sad for me. But the guilt of doing something unintentionally that hurt someone and wrecked it is also killing me. Unfortunately, the "other people" who are around me are not like me at all or even her. This is why we bonded. I hang out with some people and I hold back because I see how they are. They don't have my sensitivity. I can honestly say that out of all the people I have ever met in my entire 30 years alive, including my parents, I have never met anyone with the sensitivity I have. That's the truth. I wish I wasn't that way and could be more selfish and cold. It would save me a lot of grief.

 

I guess I will try to keep my convos were here cordial. But my heart hurts and eventually I will just have to tell her that I need her to forgive me.