need advice regarding getting over cheating

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

So... he's saying it's your fault again because you didn't change fast enough.

 

 

It's obvious that he knows you well and he knows how to control your feelings. Manipulation is something he does very well. You are better than that. You know you are. Don't fall for this anymore.

 

What you really need to do is to gain some perspective. Is there anyway you can stop talking to him for a while. Maybe if you aren't always talking with him you'll see that he isn't all that great.

 

I even have a prediction and I'm almost 100% sure it will come true if you do this. You go no contact for a while and he will call you back. The conversation will be about how he misses talking to you and how you made things completely impossible now to get back together. Why? Because that will make you panic and try to "fix" things.

 

Basically what I'm saying is that your ex has and exercises power over you. It's up to you to stand up for yourself and take that power back. I'm not talking about having power over him, but having power over yourself again. You're not the one who cheated, he is. You might have changed from who you originally were, but that's not a bad thing, people do change, and it's definitely not a reason or and excuse to go and have an affair.

[Hope75]

lonely hit the nail right on the head.

 

Your ex is the master of manipulation, and he's got you on a set of strings and you are being jerked this way and that and you need to cut those strings and learn to walk on your own again.

 

This entire time you've posted it's always about your shortcomings and it being your fault that he isn't with you and never once have I heard anything about him accepting any responsbility for what he's done to you, or any apology, or any effort to make it work for the two of you.

 

 

Sue, he lied to you. He cheated on you. He then left and moved in with his new girlfriend, where he's been living for almost a year. He has shown no indication that he is sorry, or that he is interested in being with you. In fact, just the opposite. He has moved on and has been in a serious, long term relationship for quite some time now. It doesn't matter what he's telling you, he is showing you with his actions that he wants be with his girlfriend, and so he is.

 

Do you not see yourself being played here?

 

You are still living in the past. Is this person you love even the same man anymore? Would the man you love ever hurt you and deceive you and then string you along this way?

 

Are you seriously saying that he isn't with you because you didn't change fast enough back to your "old self" for him?

Honey, you are who you are, and just as lonely said, people change as times change, and if Bob didn't love you for who you were and accept you and stay faithful to you, than he doesn't deserve to be in your life.

 

I hate to tell you, but he sounds pretty happy with his new life, and it does not sound like he has any intentions of coming back to you.

 

At this point, I know that you love him, but do you love yourself? It's clear he doesn't love you as he doesn't want to be with you or treat you with the care and respect you deserve.

 

Why not love yourself and cut him from your life entirely?

[quovadimus]

read this only if you're ready to hear it. he isn't coming around because he doesn't want to take responsibility for what he has done. you have human feelings and a need to know about her, what ever you need to know about her. you have feelings and they can be processed with or without him.

 

you don't need him to heal. if you want to heal the relationship HE WILL NEED TO HELP YOU HEAL. there is no way around that. what he is telling you, is that he wants you to clean up his mess for him. if that's your thing, then by all means find a way to be above being human and not have feelings or mention about this issue.

 

just about every book and therapist out there will tell you and him the same thing. my best to you.

[suebob1]

update..... hi all just thought i would inform you of my ongoing saga- well i am still pushing ahead with my new move and am looking forward to it in a way! well he came round twice last week upon his return from his hols, he came for an hour on the tuesday ad gave me a long hug before he left then he also turned up on the thursday. well he has strated to turn up on thurdays and stay at the house??? i was working till 11.30pm and he went down to our local, when i got back he was in the house, we sat and we were talking in general when i was talking about our friends getting married and that as of this thursady we would have been together for 9years, he then piped up "yes longer than most marriages last", i asked that if we hadnt messed up did he think we would have gotten married, he replied that it was that that had forced him to think about us and the way that things were going (me becoming withdrawn).he said that he would never want to get married if he thought he would have to walk away from it at any point. anyway after he had waffled he then said about having children and that he was glad that we hadnt got any as it would have been twice as hard, then he shocked me and actually made me cry, he said that out of anyone he had been with and is likely to be with i would be theonly one he had ever considered having children with. i asked why he had said that and he said cos thats the way he felt, i said it was very nice but too late and that i had lost him for good, he said i was being naieve for saying that. when i asked him if he was only where he was cos i threw him out he said you know i am, he said that he wishes i had been the way i have been for the last month and half when it all started and it would never have gotten this bad(i think he means cos i have backed off from him a little and now i have taken the control away from him and he has realised i am not waiting around for him), he said she only means what she means to him now because fo the way i have been(i have pushed him closer to her cos i pushed him further away from me). i am just shocked he came out with what he did, when i asked him if he thought all this was waste of time(me moving etc) he said he didnt know???

I spoke to his mum the following day and she said he had spoken to her about when i move out and he had said it didnt feel right him living with her and her parents then moving back to our house on his own but he didnt want her to move in with him. his mum just told him he needed to move in on his own for a few months and see how he feels then.his mum seems to think that we will get back together and if we do we will be happier than ever, dont get me wrong i want that nwo and again but i will always be wondering what she reakly meant to him and whether he is missing her etc.

sorry for this being sooooo long

thanks xx

[Hope75]

Hi Sue,

 

You know he's been dancing all around this "if you hadn't pushed me away" thing for months, but remember why you pushed him away? He cheated on you with her, and lied to you about her, just as he's doing to her now.

 

Has he ever apologized for what he did to you and is still doing to you? (dragging this out for you but still going home to her?)

 

Has he ever accepted responsibility for what he's done?

[Mun]

Sue,

I bet his conscience feels better each time he tells you "but you made me do it" and he gets to come and hang out with you, but not face what he did. He's not really seen any consequences for what he did-- he didn't lose you....

 

When a person can cheat on you and lie to you like that they don't deserve your friendship... at least not while they still go home to the person they cheated on you with. He hasn't done a single thing to try and get back with you. Not really.. and you are worth the effort. Don't you think so?

 

You shouldn't take ALL the blame for what's happened here. Tell yourself that girl.

 

I can see you are at least trying to get on with your life. It's not easy, I understand that. I hope that you do get to the point where you look back on this and ask yourself "what the heck was I thinking" and I have a feeling that the more independent you become, the stronger you will become.

 

You'll get there. Just keep going.

[seg172]

Sue,

I haven't followed your story from the beginning but, only know what you have just recently written, so.....

Sometimes, it is easy to see people as mean and manipulative and doing things to purposfully hurt others. I don't necessarily think that is the case. I think he has generally mixed feelings about your situation. You guys were together for a REALLY long time. Feelings about people you love don't just go away when things change.

I truly believe he does still love you in one way or another, and that is why he doesn't want you to leave. He doesn't buy you out because subconsciencly he knows then he has no connection to you. I think it is the same for you.

But, I think you need to be careful, becuase he is making you feel guilty. And you should not feel guilty. He cheated on you remember? Then he moved in with her!! If he was serious about being with you, he would be willing to do whatever it is you ask of him.

That means, NOT living with this girl and NOT getting angry for asking questions. Sometimes questions are hard, because no one knows what kind of reactions the answers are going to receive and if he is having trouble letting go of you, he isn't going to want to say anything that will make it easier for you to leave.

But, rest assured, you have every right to know what has happened. You both need to sit down, and you need to tell him that if he would just answer your questions, and asl long as he answers them, you won't have to ask them again.

THAT IS THE VERY LEAST THAT YOU DESERVE!! It is not fair to ask people to make uninformed decisions.

It is hard to give up something you have put so much care and love into, but please, take a step back and consider every angle. What would you do if you were in his shoes and wanted you back? Would you still be living with a guy, if you knew it continued to hurt him? Just think about it

[miracle29]

Lonley and Apollocreed have once again...said it best.

 

My only two cents I want to add to this is ...SINCE WHEN does the cheater get to divi out stipulations to the victim of their antics? I personally would not want a man back who cheated on me and then comes and tell me how its going to be? No..honey you are setting yourself up for more disapointment and heart break.

 

If he cheated on you and felt that he indeed made a huge mistake then he would be chasing YOU...working hard to prove to YOU that he can again be trusted, calling YOU, not the other way around. This is backwards to me, and to be honest...i think he is playing games, using your heart and feelings as leverage. Be done with this guy, he's not worth the extra stress. And like Apollo said, there are a plethora of men out there who you can fall in love with who will return the favor..not a blade.

[suebob1]

thank you all yet again for your support. i do take part of the blame for this situation that we got into of course i do it is never just one sided, he has said he is sorry for what has happened an he wishes it hadnt. It did and now it has to be dealt with which is why i am moving out, he sent me a text yesterday saying that he is not pushing me out, i know this it is my choice to leave,and that the only reason things have moved on is because i could not cope with each stage. You see right through all of this he has always said taht we need to be friends again before we can be anything else!!! i want to be his friend but like many of you have said it is hard knowing that he is with her, i do honestly believe he is only living there because he has no where else to go and he is stuck in a rutt, especially because of what he said to his mum 'even though he is living with her an her parents now he would not live with her once i have moved out'. he says i have been impatient throughout all of this, the thing that hurts is knowing that he is telling her he loves her, people say he is only saying that because fo the situation he is in,in other words he cant rock the boat as he will have no where else to stay. i do still really love him and he must love me because of what he said about children etc, but i dont know if we ever got back together whether i would be able to trust him again. I just dont understand why he is still willing to go away on trips with me etc when he should be spending time with her. when he moves back to his house i think things will start to change between them cos he will not be tied.

I am looking forward to moving into my own house, well part of me is but i am also scared but then i am on my own in his house at the moment anyway, i know he wont bring her into the area not even for a visit, she doesnt even know where he lives and she doesnt ask questions i think she is just grateful for what she has got as she has said that she is jealous of me for having 8 years with him i dont think she will get that form him. i bet the day i threw him out made her day.

thanks again for your support.

[Hope75]

Oh Sue,

 

I'm really sad for you. Throughout your posts, including this most recent one, you are jumping through hoops making excuses for your ex.

 

He's telling his girlfriend whom he lives with that he loves her, pretty powerful evidence that he has moved on, and now it's your time to move on.

 

I think it's wonderful that you are moving into your own place and will have your own turf to start building YOUR memories on.

 

As for his repeated statement that you need to be friends first, weren't you friends when you were together?? Isn't that a big part of a healthy relationship?

 

He says YOU are being impatient?? He left you 8-9 months ago. You should NOT be waiting for him at all.

 

He says he is sorry and that this shouldn't have happened, but it did and instead of trying to rectify it and begging for forgiveness and showing you how much he wants to work it out with you, he's living with his girlfriend of nearly a year and telling her that he loves her.

 

Are you paying attention to his actions? Make all the excuses you want-- that's where he is and who he is with, and you are doing the right thing to move on with your life.

[miracle29]

Sue...i hope you don't think you're his last victim. Honey, her nightmare on elm street has just begun. Don't worry, just order some popcorn and give this a few and she'll be posting the same things asking us for help.

 

She doesnt have a prince charming, because prince charmings don't easily stray, she has the same indecisive guy you had, and soon he'll break her heart too. MARK MY WORDS!

 

So instead of harping or feeling bad that she won and you didnt, you should be saying over and over in your head...LAUGH NOW...CRY LATER! 8)

[suebob1]

i kno i know i have gone on. he came round again last night and we had another chat, he says they are just friends, i sadi you dont live with her and tell her you love her if you are just friends!! he said that he is only there cos of me throwing him out, and that they are only words. when i said that he think when it comes to it and you walk away from her he will find it harder to do so than he did me he said i was stupid and that him leaving me was the hardest thing he ever did, he says we need to build up friendship and trust again and he says that he doesnt believe that i will/can trust him after what he has done and we need to build on that if anything is to happen. He says that he will not move her in, he doesnt think she would anyway but he says he would not want to put me into that situation (meaning my feelings etc) but also he wouldnt want to put her there either. He says what they have is miles apart from what we had, she makes him happy but predominantly because they do things together. Just because he is with her doesnt mean he has regrets is what he said, he still cant see it going anywhere with her.He says it will hurt him very much when he sees me wth someonelse, i have left it now and jsut told him how i feel about kids etc and that there is nothing i can do to bring him back. He still says if i had just left him alone when he asked he probably would have come back, instaed i pushed him further away cos he said when i wasnt going on he did miss me and think about me.

I dont know we shall just have to see when he move back what happens but i soon think he will get fed up of having to come home then go to hers all the time i think he will spend less and less time with her, but at the end of the day he isnt with me either.

[Hope75]

He's still blaming you for the reasons he doesn't come back, but if he were truly unhappy with her, why is he still with her? He speaks very easy words, but at the end of the day he is still choosing to be with her, and not you. How much could he want you back if he still goes home to her?

 

Pay attention to his actions.

 

Talk is so cheap, I could tell you right now that I cured AIDS and brought about world peace and ended hunger. If you look around you see that none of these things has happened, so why would you believe me? It's the same thing. Every thing he keeps telling you is the exact opposite of what he does, and that's where the true intention lies. That's where, if he were serious, he would put his money where his mouth is. He does not, ever notice that?

 

You had a very valid reason for tossing his sorry behind out-- he cheated on you! That is unacceptable behaviour when you are supposed to be in a commited relationship and are supposed to love and respect your partner. He showed you the utlimate disrespect and you did the right thing by booting him.

 

For once he said something that makes sense, that he does not think you can or will trust him if he came back, and how could you? He's a liar up and down.... he lies to you, he lies to her.... he does whatever he can to make himself look blameless and doesn't care who he hurts or uses in the interum.

 

Keep packing girl, and get an unlisted phone number when you move. Don't let this all talk- no action creep pull you around any longer.

[suebob1]

so we went away this weekend to my friends 30th(who he has never met) whilst we were travelling i asked him about his situation with the other girl, i asked if he had told he was going to be moving out soon and he said no not yet? i really do not understand him what is he playing at, neither her nor her parents seem to be interested in what he is doing either, it seems to me he is simply going to just move out? anyhow whilst we were away he got very friendly again, again shows what he must think of her(me as well i suppose?) but at the end of the day it wouldnt be me he is doing the dirty on now would it? we had a chat regarding him buying me out of our house(not ours on paper but i am still entitled to equity) he turned round and said that when he releases my share of the equity i have to sign to agree to him having a share in my new house, i would also still have a share in our old house(if and when either house was sold one of us would share the equity with the other) i told him that i didnt agree and said that i wanted a clean break and for there to be no connection between us. i really dont understand why he is doing this do any of you, i thought maybe a financial point of view?? i spoke to his mother about it and she said that as soon as i move out of our house things between him and the other girl will drift off and that the reason he is doing what he is doing regarding the equity is because he does nt want to break the connection with me at all. this is not my bob he is a different person he also said i was a changed person as he said he hadnt seen me as settled, meaning i had now become part of the community however it is his group of friends that i am with? i really dont understand what he is doing he says he will visit me at my new house etc, anyone any ideas what is going on???

thanks for listening againx

[Hope75]

Sue,

 

Who knows what he is thinking? Thank God you were smart enough to let him have NO part in YOUR house... he has no right to it.

 

He can't place stipulations on the money he owes you. Have you talked to a lawyer about this? Maybe you should find out whether you are really legally entitled to this money since the house is his and your name isn't on any of the documents. Find out what your options are.

 

His actions are so consistant with the fact that he isn't ready to accept responsiblity or to leave his girlfriend. He has told her nothing of moving out, he has lied to you about what he tells her and he lies to her as well. If he cheated on her with you, that does NOT make him a man you should want to be with! Do you think if he's cheated on her and then he cheats with you that his behaviour will change?? He proves constantly that he can't be trusted, and that he's full of bull.

 

All I can say is keep packing, you are almost out and on your own.

[suebob1]

well its me again, things still moving on with us as friends!! eg: he is still coming round on his regular visits and i am still sorting out my own house.

Well it was his 30th birthday yesterday and as a gift(i bought it weeks ago) i bought him a new watch and just had it engraved 'loving you now and always', when i eft it for him as he came the other night whilst i was out i had a text from him saying" thanks for the watch, it was lovely but you know i cant wear it as things are" so when i said well it is only a gift from a friend like everything else,it hought she accepted our friendship, i then got a reply which said"she does accept our friendship i am not saying i wont wear it just not yet" what the hell is this suppose to mean, what is the difference between him wearing it now or later? when i asked him when he came round last night as it was his brthday and he just avoided the issue.i have a few texts from him just saying it was nice to see me on his birthday and that he just wishes we did not go about stuff we do. eg me going on about her!!

i just dont understand what he was meaning regarding the watch why is now any different to later??

thanks again for reading

[Hope75]

Hi Sue,

 

I think he is just trying to placate you and that he has no intention of wearing the watch. What you inscribed on it is something that a girlfriend would write, and remember your place, you are not his girlfriend anymore. Frankly, I know that you are still in love with him, and I don't think you are accepting the fact that he has a girlfriend now and and has for awhile, and that your gift, although generous and nice for a girlfriend to give to a boyfriend, was totally inapproprotiate, given your place in his life and the circumstances.

 

He has a girlfriend, one who would be rightfully upset and jealous if he were wearing that watch, which is why he isn't. I think he said he would wear it later to placate you, since you spent some money on a nice gift for him and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

He still doesn't want to talk about the issues with you that have come between you and broken you up (e.g. his cheating, and moving on with his girlfriend), because he doesn't want to change the situation. If he did want you back, he'd be trying like hell to show you how sorry he was and how much he wanted to make it up to you. I just don't see that, do you?

 

A part of moving toward reconciliation is accepting your part in what led to the breakup, talking about it, working through it as a couple, and then proceeding cautiously from there. He doesn't want to talk about it, he is still with his girlfriend. Those are all crystal clear signs that he isn't interested in reconciling, at least not any time soon.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is a harsh thing to say to you, but it seems like you need a wake up call! This man cheated on you, left you, and has been living with his girlfriend for almost a year! Don't you want to live your own life and have a man who loves and respects you and who is YOURS alone, and who shows you how important you are every day with his actions?

 

Don't you want to spend your money on gifts for a man who will appreciate them and YOU and wear them with pride, as you are the only woman in his life?

 

You deserve that, Sue, whether you believe it or not.

[Mun]

Sue, you are doing all the wrong things again.

If you want him back then you have to let him know he has lost you. Until then you are going to run around in circles and walk on eggshells and it's all for nothing.

 

You won't get him back that way.

Why would he leave her and come back to you when he can have both of you? He has it made girl !

 

He is never going to chose you because you make it easy for him to have both. I mean, this guy is good.

 

He has you believing it was your fault he cheated....Then he doesn't want you to talk about what's happened...Really, how will you ever get over the cheating if 1. Nothing has changed. 2. You can't talk about it...and because of 1&2 nothing will change because he isn't forced to accept responsibility for his actions. What a master manipulator he is.

 

The other girl probably has no clue as to how much involved you still are in his life---no matter what he says--I'm sure he lies to her too. Him not wearing the watch you have him as a "friend" was very telling. If she knows about your relationship then why doesn't he wear it. Simple, she doesn't know...he lies to her.

 

Like I said, you are not going to get him back this way. He is never going to chose until he feels like he is losing something good. I think you might be afraid to take it this far though...you are not certain he will chose you, right? But then again...wouldn't you rather KNOW this than be in limbo forever? You can decide which way YOUR life goes...but it won't happen until you are ready to walk away for good.

 

If he really loves you, then he needs to feel a deep loss for you. So far he hasn't lost anything. He just changed residence.

[suebob1]

thank you both hope and mun for your support yet again.

i told him the other day that i was going to take the watch and have the engraving filled in, the reply i got from him was 'dont be silly i told you not to do that', why what does it matter to him?

you are right mun i know she doesnt know how involved i still am in his life but at the end of the day it is him that still comes round when i am in when i have specifically told him not to and it is him who comes away with me but tells her different, i simply think he is where he is for pure convenience and she doesnt know it at least i know where he is and he doesnt tell me lies anymore, it just hurt though when he said he couldnt wear the watch as things are? i just cannot get my head around why now will be any different to later reagrdless of the words, but it is like you say mun, this is shown cos he doesnt take anything from the house that i buy him and i have said it before it is simply because she doesnt know i still buy for him or that he is at the house. If i was her i would not put up with him still beong so close to his ex would you? i am hoping to move out in the next three weeks, part of me is excited but part of me is scared i dont want to lose him for good but is simply too hard to be friends with him, people seem to think once he mobves back into his own house he wont see her as much cos he wont be obliged to as he is in his own house nwo and can do what he wants when he wants.i just hate the way after 8 years if being with him he can simply just shut me out so easily, how can you do that? i mean if i send him a text for whatever reason at the weekend he doesnt reply yet if it when he is at work he will, again when he is with her he ignores me another sign that she doesnt accept our friendship or he doesnt tell her full facts, i think she must know deep down that if he did what he did to me after 8 years with her then he can do the same to her at anytime but at he moment she wont want to rock the boat and is just grateful for what she has, still dont know why she is jealous of me, he says it is because i had 8 years with him, now at the end of the day it is her he goes home to not me!!

thanks again for your insight,hope you are both ok.

[Hope75]

Hi Sue,

 

Think long and hard about what you've just told us. He initially lied to you and cheated on you, and now he's still lying to his girlfriend and spending time with you. He is still up to the same tricks. Let's say he did take you back. How in the heck could you trust him? He lies like a rug!

 

It's his actions that you need to watch, and pay attention to. You can predict what might happen when you move out, but only time will tell. He's been living with his girlfriend for quite some time now. How do you know he isn't lying to you?

 

He did when he told you that she was OK with your friendship, and then he showed you that wasn't true by ignoring texts from you when he's with her, and refusing to wear you gift (which I still think was inappropriate-- and he's telling you to leave it be b/c he knows you spent some money on it and doesn't want to further hurt your feelings.)

 

This has been going on for a long time now. I just wonder how much more of yourself you are willing to give away for someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. You seem stuck on the fact that you invested 8 years with him.

 

Sometimes couples are married for a long time and they get divorced, or together for a long time and they end up seperating. For whatever reasons, it doesn't work out. I don't know if you feel like he owes you more because he spent 8 years with you, but you know that isn't how it works.

 

What you need to look at is who he is now, and what he's been doing recently. Those are not the efforts of a man who is desperately trying to get you back.

 

Don't you want more for yourself? Don't you think that you deserve that?

[RayKay]

If i was her i would not put up with him still beong so close to his ex would you?

 

So you would not put up with him being close to an ex of his, but you will put up with him LIVING with another woman??? Do you not see the discrepancy there?

 

Regardless of what he tells you about her, the fact is he is living with her, it's not that he is forced to live with her, it is that he CHOOSES to live with her, and has chosen to do so for the past year!

 

Sue.....I feel that you are really selling yourself short. I don't care how long you were with him - 2 weeks, 8 years, 20 years....you should NOT be settling for a guy whom can't even commit his entire self to you. You are settling for scraps - scraps from a man who cheated, lied, strung you along, uses you and his current girlfriend. He cheated on you, and now is cheating on his current gf. I would bet you anything in the world that even if he DID come back, he would cheat on you all over again.

 

He is not trying to get you back....but you VERY clearly are trying to get him back...but what are you trying to get back? A cheating, lying, conniving, using jerk, or the man that you HOPED he would of been? Because if it's the latter, I am sorry, but that man is NOT this man. At all.

 

You deserve better. Do you realize right now, there could be the most wonderful man out there whom will be committed and faithful to you, waiting somewhere to meet you....but he can't and won't because you are hanging on to the scraps of pain your ex throws at you.

 

There was an intereview with Jennifer Aniston not that long ago, after her breakup with Brad Pitt. They were seen as the power couple in Hollywood, the "It" couple, and were together by Hollywood standards a long time. By most accounts, he cheated on her (which is pretty apparent). She was asked if she was heartbroken and okay. She said that it HURT, but she was consoled by knowing that walking along some street, somewhere, was the man for her....that Brad had turned out not to be her one...but that just meant her one was still out there. And she would meet him.

[Mun]

Sue,

I wish you could step outside your situation and take a hard look at things the way they are. What would you tell a friend in your same situation? Would you advice her to stick it out because this guy is soooo worth it?

 

I think nothing will change for you until you become angry enough. Angry that he could cheat on you and then blame you for it. Angry that he could move in with the girl he cheated with and then have the nerve to ask for your 'friendship' as if nothing happened. Angry that you are not allowed to vent your hurt to him and call him on his actions. And last : Angry at yourself for allowing your dignity to drag at your feet for the last few months while you wait for him to "choose" you.

 

I want you to do something for me. Look at yourself in the mirror each morning and tell yourself this : I don't deserve this. I want love and respect. Repeat it until you believe it girl.

 

This man has done nothing to show you he is sorry he hurt you or that he wants you back. Do you really think things will get better? Is he even sorry about what he did?

 

You first posted this topic back in July and nothing much has changed yet with him. How long will you wait?

[suebob1]

thanks all for your replies yet again. I know i need to be strong i really dont know why i love him so much still, i really want to cut the friendship but i dont if you no what i am saying. all i keep thinking about is that she doesnt have the person i have known for all these years, he is just so selfish at the moment he is out for number one. He still says he is only there with her because of me throwing him out, what would she think if she knew what he was saying. He just keeps saying we need to be friends before we can be anything else, i cannot be friends with him whilst he is with her as i cant cope with it, he agress so when i said so now you are saying you dont wnat to be friends whilst you are with her he says no but ist me who cant cope??? he says i want more than friends which is true, he says we cant have that until we have the friendship. I understand what he uis syaing kind of but then i think well how can we be friends if he is with her and how can a friendship lead to anything if he is stil with her, is he going to do the dirty on her to be with me, cos i dont want that on my conscience. i suppose i am frightened of cutting the friendship with him in case he never gets in touch with me again etc. what do you guys think and yes i jnow he is a lying cheating thing but i still do love him and i do believe that if he did come back to me it would be for good. Everyone still keeps saying things will change with her once he moves back to his house what do you think? this is all based on him saying he is only there because i threw him out as they say he would have continued to only see her once or twice a week rather being thrown into living with her and seeing ehr everyday and eventually it would have fizzled out??? i still think once he moves into our old house it will be her he will miss as he has spent the last 6 month with her, but others say that it will be me as all the things in the house the memories and the decor will all be me and it was our home, and he spent 8 years with me. i beg to differ, what do you think

thanks again ,one day i will stop ranting on here.xx

[Hope75]

he says i want more than friends which is true, he says we cant have that until we have the friendship. I understand what he uis syaing kind of but then i think well how can we be friends if he is with her and how can a friendship lead to anything if he is stil with her, is he going to do the dirty on her to be with me, cos i dont want that on my conscience.

 

See here is the very thing. This is never going to change because IF he wanted to be with you and IF he wanted to make it work, the very first thing he would have done is to break up with his girlfriend. Then he may feel out the "friendship" idea with you and see where it goes. He still has a girlfriend, which shows you he has no intention of getting back with you, at least not any time soon.

 

I agree 100% with Muneca that if you really stepped outside the relationship and looked long and hard at this, you would be saddened with yourself and sickened by him.

 

You admit to holding onto a memory of what he was like in the past, but look at him now. This is who he is. Selfish, lying, cheating, stringing you along and unremorseful. Is that who you love? I don't think so. You love a memory of what he was like, but that is not who he is anymore. You can see that plain as day by watching his actions.

 

In every post you harp and harp on things he has said to you, and yet I will point out again how easy words are to say, and that you need to watch his actions, they show you his true intentions. He is still with his girlfriend, there's a pretty good chance he is lying to her as much as he is lying to you (how do you know he doesn't go home to her and tell her that you are pathetically hanging onto him?) he hasn't made ANY changes or motions towards taking you back since you first began posting here, almost 6 months ago!

 

How much more do you need to see before you will truly begin to see?

[Mun]

I just wonder how much things really will change once he moves back into his home.

 

Sue, maybe that's what you're waiting for ? If nothing changes in him then you will know what to do.