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need advice regarding getting over cheating

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Hi Everyone, you may have read my previous posts regarding my ex of 8 years etc, i would like to thank all of you who advised. well i would yet again like some advice please, in one of my last posts i mentioned how he said he was only staying away from me because i went on at him all the time about the other girl and the whole situation. well at the weekend he made the excuse of coming over to check his post etc, i try so hard when he comes over not to mention the situation or her, but it is so hard so my first question is how do i not mention her, she is always on my mind and knowing that possibly he is going back to her!!! He says he really misses me but he cannot handle i how i am at the moment as i assume too much regarding him and poss her,and that because i go on about it all the time he finds it hard to be around me, i told him that was a fob off and he said it isnt, so it seems that all that is stopping him coming back is for me to stop going on her, if only it was that easy.has anyone else been in this situation and if so how did you deal with it?? he says he would spend more time with me if i didnt go on all the time???what can i do, i really want him back and if it as easy as me not mentioning her why cant i do it. thanks

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Well it sounds like he is starting to miss you but he still sees you as being not strong enough.


Here is an article I found last night. I think reading this might help you a bit right now. I'm going to follow it. It kinda sheds light on the No Contact and why you do it. I realize the longer I go without contact, the stronger I am becoming...it's been 4 days now for me. I see him once a week whether I want to or not. But it's important on that 1 day that he does see me that I have myself pulled together. I even have arranged for my Therapist appointments to be in that am because I feel empowered when I leave there.


Read this artcile and then read other ones on No Contact. He seems to show signs of missing you just from HIM making the contact. But you've got to be stronger here and show him that you are okay and that you are going to make it either with or without him. Lord give us both the strength because I know how hard this is for both of us.


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Honestly, you have to be able to forgive. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET. Again, the question is can you forgive. If you cannot forgive it will never work anyway. Hey he cheated, so why would you want him back, as a man I can say you are just empowering him, and he will cheat on you again, as something goes bad in your relationship, he will again use it as an excuse to cheat.. being a nice guy, i still can not figure out why women allow this. you can find a descent guy that can treat you just as well, and not cheat on you. my wife did it to me, i tried to forgive, but i could not forget. its just wrong. but if you feel you cannot live without him, just plan on being able to live with someone who is a cheater. it is obvious that you two are not communicating properly, and he is using it as an excuse.....

just an honsest opinion from experience.


good luck

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thanks sexysadie, it seems u are in the same situation, it is so hard, if you read my other posts u will see that i am still in our house all though it is his house on paper,when he came over on sat i said to him that i didnt think he wanted to let go of me 100%, he said he had let go, he hasnt in my eyes as he is doing nothing to buy me out(agreement we have) and when i said to him that i thought he was delaying things as he knew that once i moved out and bought my own house that he would have lost me and would not have to have any contact, he was waiting to make sure that he was 100% sure he wanted to let me go out of his life, cos at the mo its like he still has a connection with me. i love him so much but i know it will be hard if we did get back together, he has said right from the beginning that the only way he will come back to me is if it is for good, meaning marriage etc. everyone has said that if i had not pushed him out of the house or kept going on at him he would be back now, i know that deep down but find it so hard not to mention her and him to him but that is all that is stopping him coming back unless that is an excuse???

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Hi suebob,


when i said to him that i thought he was delaying things as he knew that once i moved out and bought my own house that he would have lost me and would not have to have any contact, he was waiting to make sure that he was 100% sure he wanted to let me go out of his life, cos at the mo its like he still has a connection with me.


Don't you find this extremely selfish of him? He's living with this other woman, who he cheated on you with. How are you not supposed to assume anything when it comes to them? They had/have a relationship and now he's living with her. What do you think is going on? Do you honestly think he is sleeping in her bed and not having sex with her, a relationship with her?


Honestly it sounds as though he wants to be able to do what he pleases, and not get any hassle from you about it, or he won't come around. He's manipulating you and playing on your feelings.


He's putting you on hold, and has been for six months. Maybe he hasn't paid you the money he owes because he doesn't have it?


You are still in his house. What are you doing? You've been there six months, waiting for him to come back and he hasn't. Don't you want to live your own life in your own house and have whomever you please over and stop living everyday pining for him?


He says these things to you, but pay attention to his actions, that's where the real intention lies. He hasn't come back, he's made no indication that he will, he lives with the woman he cheated on you with.


I know that you care about him and that you are hurting right now. You have to power to stop that. You can find your own place, move out, stop all contact with him and move forward with your life, give yourself a chance to meet someone who knows how to treat a woman and will respect you, love you, and not cheat on you, and then move in with the other woman.


You mentioned that you think he isn't letting you go. You have a choice here, it really seems as though you aren't letting him go. After six months you are still in his house, and on your other thread you said it was until you find your own place. Six months is more than enough time to find your own place, are you looking?


I know these are tough questions, but it seems as though you are living in denial. The facts are: You live in his house six months after the breakup. He cheated on you. He now lives with the woman who he cheated on you with.


Do you believe you deserve more than this? You do, let me assure you. Someone who loved you would never do this to you.

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Thanks hope75 i really do understand what you are saying, and yes i am looking at houses but i am not just going to buy something tthat i am not happy with, alos no i dont want to let go altogether when i can see that he wants to come back but at the same time like u said actions speak louder than words, i am not 100% he is there with her all the time, i am trying to move on but really dont want to give up on him, she cant mean anything to him otherwise he would have introduced to the family by now and he wpuld have tried to buy me out he can afford it so he is stupid for stil paying half of everything, he is using her but i still stupidly i know love him, i thought it was strange that he told me he missed me the other day as normally if i ask him he says his feelings etc are irrelevant at the minute. do you really think that my nagging at him is stopping him coming back?

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I think the reason he isn't coming back is because he doesn't want to. He knows that you still want him back, and yet after six months of this he hasn't come back.


Your "nagging" (wanting to know how he feels, what he's doing with her, etc) probably has little effect on this. He obviously doesn't feel that guilty or he wouldn't have moved in with her. You should not have to live like that, and you should not be pushing him on what he's doing. That is his life now, and you have your own. Do you see how desperate and sad you are coming accross? For six months you've been like this.


If he were truly sorry and truly wanted you back, don't you think when you threw him out for cheating, he would have broken it off with her and found somewhere else to stay? Instead, he moved in with her.


You can try to justify all you want that she means nothing but he moved in with her, he lives with her and is in a relationship with her. Obviously she means something to him.


Until you can find a house you might like, you should be living in your own apt. or staying with a friend, not living in his house. I think you know that, and I think you are just holding on, but I am not sure why.


This man has done nothing but disrespect you ever since he started cheating on you with her. He obviously does not love you, or he would never have done this to you.


You are not going to get what you want and deserve from him, he's proving to you every day that he does not want to be with you.


Don't you want to be happy?

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Yes...nagging, pleading...all that just pushes just pushes them away. I did the same thing at first and he point out told me that I was just pushing him away, he wanted his peace of mind. Yes, he is staying with OW, he also has nowhere else to go. He doesn't have a dime to his name, his account is overdrawn, his car is broken he can't even leave her house. He doesn't have a key or garage clicker so he's being held prisoner there. It's sad but as his dad told him "Son you were on the top of the world for 5 years, don't let yourself stay in the gutter for too long or you won't find your way back to the top or it will be too late." All his belongs sans one suitcase are here...everything is here. He's made no effort in the past month to get it.


But I KNOW him, better than anyone else. He does not believe in what he is doing. Initially he was throwing it in my face...telling me he was going to take her to his parents. LOL!! I can just see their look of horror when/if he does. His father has already detached with love. He took her with us out of town and everytime she put a hand on him, he flinched and got up. I smiled the entire weekend, but yes I cried myself to sleep. He never saw that.


He's in pain right now from my throwing him out because of his drinking. She's given him a place to stay and is buying him all the beer he can drink. He's costing her at the minimum 100.00 a week. He has no future income coming in because his partner has cut him out since he slacked off and spent our reserves. The OW is the least of my troubles. If she really wants to take care of him then that is her choice. If he choses to stay in the gutter, then she is the better choice for him.


The more I have pulled back, the easier things have been for us. He asked our friends on the weekend we all went away "Was she psychotic on the trip down." My friends laughed and said no, actually she slept most of the trip down. I smile all the time, I've learned how to talk with smiling.


The letting go is for him to find what he wants...and for me to find out if I really do want him in my life. She is just his way of running and hiding from reality. I'd prefer the tears and going through the grieving process as painful as it is. But he's already shown signs of jealousy when other men have talked to me or attempted to kiss me, points it right out to me.


You are in the grey zone...there is nothing wrong with that according to my Therapist. If you can afford one, go see one...you'll see an immediate improvement. BTW...take what you read on these boards w/a grain of salt. Each situation is different and everyone has their own opinions. I've learned a lot from everyone on the various boards that I read. I look at them for support and a way to vent. But only you know what is best for you and working with a Therapist will help you achieve that.


Best wishes!!

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For me, it was a matter of forgiveness. How long ago did this happen? Do you really love him? If so, you have to put the past in the past and leave it there. No one likes to relive their mistakes on a daily basis, especially if it's something they truly are sorry for. I had to make a conscious choice to accept that it happened, accept his heartfelt apology, accept that I couldn't change the fact that if happened, rebuild the trust (that takes time), and then choose to forgive. It's not an overnight process, but it is possible. Holding on to hurts seems a lot easier for some people than letting them go, but you know what? It hurts a heck of a lot more to constantly revisit pain than it does to deal with it head on and move past it.

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thanks sexysadie, i am very sorry to hear of your situation too. My ex's mum keeps tryint to tell me he is only with this other girl cos he has nowhere else to go, sometimes i think he is using her but i just cant get them having sex etc out of my mind, i really do want him back and know that i have to stop going on at him but is so hard to get her out of my head. i was just glad to hear that he still misses me, butthen i think why would he miss me when he is with her, i am just impatient and want him back now, he too got jealous when he heard i was going out for drinks with someone else, he says he wasnt but like u said i too know him better than anyone. i think what makes it worse is when he cones round that i think he is then going back to hers, i dont think she knows he comes to see me, all he says is he will always love me and be my friend no matter what she will just have to deal with it, she must be thick cos i wouldnt put up with it. when i see him i just want to hug him and touch him and kiss him, i cant cope with tthe idea of being friends but i know that is the only way we will ever get back together, he says you cant force it it will just happen? thanks for your support and advice i hope your b/f comes back soon, i think they only say nasty things so as not to give any indication of their feelings deep down you can see they stil have them.

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You're going to be okay...yes they are just using each other. Maybe he will find his way and maybe mine will find his way. She doesn't know he continues to see, what do you think will happen when he accidently lets it out. He won't be able to hide it, or will he. She'll appear to be the one then let her true colors show. I hate to say it but we women are pathetic sometimes when it comes to relationships...she'll be the one nagging, pleading etc...and by then hopefully you will have stopped.


Here is another website that I found...gave me some wonderful insight.


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i cant imagine she knows he comes to see me or that we have been away on trips a few times since he left they were trips that were already arranged but i imagine he told her he was going with friends cos he went on a stag do not long ago and she wasnt happy with that apparently so i doubt she would be happy to know he was still seeing me, after all he cheated on me after 8 years previous to that he always told the truth its only been a few months for her and he is alrady lying to her, if i was her i would always be thinking that he still has feelings for me and she mustthink that it is strange that she hasnt met his family and that he has limited things with him and his post still comes to the house and also that i am still in the house??? at the end of the day i dont know what he is telling her do i? but if i was her i would not allow him to see me, he has said that if we got back together that he would not stay friends with her, that remains to be seen that is where trust comes into it?? in reply to jna35 he told me about the other girl in january but i didnt actually throw him out till may, he says he is only where he is at the mo cos he has nowhere else and that we cannot live together the way things are at the moment. i think i can trust him again it is just the forgetting asbout her bit, i will always be comparing myself to her and thinking that he is still thinking about her and that he is comparing me to her.

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Wow...we are SO in the same boat...except mine is drinking 24/7 since moving out...drowning in his sorrows with the beer and her. Not facing any form of reality. I find it positive that he has already said if you get back together that he would not talk to her anymore. How do you feel about going NC at this time? Just disappear right now to avoid his calls? He's obviously sitting on the fence right now...because he has you both right where he wants you. If he thought he would lose you completely, how do you think he would feel. Again, this is something only you would know not any of us. I think NC is great, but in some situations you have find out when it is time to stop the NC also to resume the communication if your intent is to get back together...it's just knowing when to do it..the timing has to be right.

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i'm sorry to hear that he is drinking, hopefully that will stop if/when he comes back to you. the no contact is hard i only really started it a week ago i do send the occasional sms but try not to mention us or her,very hard,it was me who said to him way back at the satrt of all this that if we got back together there would be no way i would want him to have contact with her, he said he y would he want to stay in touch with someone he hardly knew, but he has mentioned it since. i still keeping thinking to myself that it is a kind of blackmail from him to get me to stop nagging at him by him saying that that is the only way he will come back??? like i said i dont think he want sto lose me completely at the mo i am in his house(on paper)he has told his mum that he has no plans for her, but i am pushing him further away by going on at him about her etc. She says that i need to get her out of my head for now and if and when we do get back together then we need to sit down and tlk about her once and for all then not mention her again. i think i can trust him, but i always have on my mind that she will be like me and stalk him like i have been doing and that i will not be able to dela with that very easily, he seems to think that if and when he broje up with her she would just get up and get on with her life, i think differently from texts i saw in the ealry stages she seems very clingy to me. i just find it hard to believe he is using her, when i said to him at weekend as he was leaving 'so all i ahev to do to get you to coem back is to stop going on' he said well done u finally come to the right conclusion, and said he will see me soon when i asked him again he repeated see u soon, when he doesnt give an answer it is his way of saying u know the answer so just do it.

i really hope u and your ex can work things out how long have u been apart, does he give u any signs that he wants to come back that he is just using other girl? do u find it hasrd to come to terms with him being with someone else have u seen anyone else?

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i think what makes it worse is when he cones round that i think he is then going back to hers, i dont think she knows he comes to see me, all he says is he will always love me and be my friend no matter what she will just have to deal with it, she must be thick cos i wouldnt put up with it.


If you wouldn't put up with him going to see her, than why are you still pining for him when he is living with her? Why are you willing to accept that and still want him back? What makes her any different than you? He's still going home to her at night. Your eyes are wide open.... you see what he's doing and you just lay down and take it. Why?


Sadie, I know you are trying to be helpful, but in truth you don't know that he is using his new girlfriend, or that she is using him. The fact is they live together and have for six months. He's obviously not feeling too bad about cheating on suebob or he wouldn't be living with this girl. He could easily throw suebob out of his house if he wanted, or rent his own apt. but no, he is living with his gf. It's pretty clear from his actions what his intentions are.


Suebob, how long are you willing to put your own life and needs on hold for someone who chooses every day not to be with you, and to be with someone whom he cheated on you with?

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I agree with everything Hope had said. If this guy was truly remorseful and wanted to be with you, he would not be living with this other woman.


Also, if he's lying to this new woman, had lied to you in the past, what makes you think he won't lie to you in the future? That isn't a relationship anyone should want, and especially shouldn't wait for.


Your best bet is to move on with your life. Come to terms with what the truth and reality of the situation is, instead of making excuses for him. You're only hurting yourself in what you're doing now- And this guy is not worth it.


I know it's hard, but sometimes it's best just to let go.

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In this life, it is almost always advisable to judge people by what they do rather than what they say they will do. This applies to politicians, sports figures, car salesmen and especially to former lovers.


What has he done recently for you as opposed to you that convinces you that he has, or will ever have, your best interests at heart?


I think you really need to, rationally and not emotionally, re-evaluate why you want him back in your life.

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YOU are letting him have all the power. You are begging for him back. Come one he has no relatives, male friends, parents, siblings, to stay. what he cannot afford to stay in a very cheap apartment. a guy living with another woman he cheated with while you are asking for him back, yes they are most likely having sex. but thats life, it just reaffirms why men should treat women like that, that way a man will always have some woman begging for him. i see it every day the bad boy, cheater, whatever, gets all the women. well i guess he has his cake and is able to eat it too.

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thanks for all your advice people, i bet you all think i am stupid for wanting him back??? i just miss him and want him back so much i manage a few days without nc then i blow it, he gives me mixed messages such as saying he is only where he is cos he has no where else,he is only there cos of the way i go on at him all the time, i get the impression he wants to come back and start again but is scared that i will reject him again, should i make the first moves now??

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he gives me mixed messages such as saying he is only where he is cos he has no where else,he is only there cos of the way i go on at him all the time,


Do you really think you can trust him after all he has done?


I understand that you care about him and that you are lonely without him, but do you really think the best thing is for you to take him back? There is a reason you threw him out.... he cheated on you.


After this, did he drop this other woman and come crawling back, apologizing and telling you that you were his everything? No, he moved in with her.


There are plenty of other places he could go, that is a big cop out and I think you know it. He could kick you out and have his own house back, he could rent a room or an apt somewhere else, he has had plenty of time to find another place to live and yet he is still living with her and sleeping with her. Does this sound like a man who is sorry and wants you back?


The reason he is living with her is because he wants to. If he did not, he would move somewhere else. He is feeding you a bunch of lines, pay attention to his actions.


How would he expect you to react when you found him cheating on you? Did he expect you to act supportive? You were hurt and upset, and rightfully so. Then you threw him out, that was the first right step, now, you need to find your own place to live and let him have his house back. Then you can get on with your own life.


Ask yourself how would it be if you took him back. When a man loves you he wants to be with only you. He treats you with love and respect. He does not cheat on you and then move in with his new girlfriend.


Don't you feel that you deserve more respect?


If you take him back you are telling him that you accept that way he's treated you and that you will continue to accept substandard treatment. Don't you think you would be better off with a man who knew how to treat a woman and who was honest with her?

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Im really not believing that you still want to be involved with this man. Do you really not think you can find someone better?? Heck being alone would be better than being with him. I have been in situations where I was lied to, cheated on, and I finally realized that if I dont have respect for myself, I have NOTHING. So I walked. Yes it was hard, yes it hurt, yes I missed him but you know what, I'm alive. I didnt shrivel up and die. In my case this person did come back very regretful of what he had done, and I chose to allow him back into my life, but at a distance. He went out if his way to convince me that he was sorry, this guy of yours is doing nothing! However, no matter what happens, I will NEVER AGAIN allow anyone to treat me badly. I don't care how much I love them. I know that I am capable of "getting over it" and moving on, and I know my own worth. I am done giving any more chances, and I think you should be, as well.


Get rid of him and move on. He sounds like a total mistake..



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thanks again for your advice, it may seem as though i am not listening to any of it but i am. i still really love him and do not want to waste the 8 years that we had!!! i know it seems as though he is with her cos he wants to be maybe he is i will never know the truth about how he feels about her, he really has nowhere else to stay so maybe he is just using her, i am not 100% that he is staying there all the time cos somethings dont add up, for instance i know i shouldnt have done but i read some texts a month or so ago from her to him.one of them was from when he came back from stag do, it read ' i wcan finish anytime after 1pm so you can come through anytime after that', my question if he was staying there why would she have to invite him and tell him what time to go round?the other message was when we were away on a trip that had been arranged previous to all of this mess we went away on the friday afternoon, so if he wass taying there the last time he would have seen her was friday morning, the message was sent on sat afternoon and said it seems ages since you were last here'?? any ideas y she would send messages like this if he was with her all the time?

i know it seems as though i am making excuses for him but i really do want him back, i know it would be hard. i really need to stop going on at him about her all the time when i see him and see if it makes a difference?? does anyone think it would?? he has every right to move baxck into the house and ask me to leave but he hasnt and wont and also he is still paying for half of everything??? i am trying to move on i am going out more and i am looing for my own house but i am not just going to leave my home just like that???

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it may seem as though i am not listening to any of it but i am. i still really love him and do not want to waste the 8 years that we had!!!




You are not the one who wasted the years that you shared. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who lied. He is the one who is living with her. It takes two people to be in a healthy committed relationship. You cannot carry this on your own. He's gone. Why are you still hanging on?


As Salt said, what has he done to show you how sorry he is and how much he wants you back? Nothing! He tells you not to nag him about his girlfriend, because he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to leave her, he doesn't want to be made to feel bad about his new relationship. Can you see any of this?


If he loved you, he would be with you. He's not, he's with her.


i still really love him


Yes you love him. But does he love you? What has he done recently to show you he loves you?

Don't you want to be with someone who wants you back? Someone who loved you would never do this to you. You can still love someone and know that they treated you like garbage and that you would never accept that or take them back. You can still love someone and know that they are toxic for you and that you deserve so much more and move on with your life. It's not an excuse to hang onto someone who clearly doesn't want to be held.


i know it seems as though i am making excuses for him


You absolutely are making excuse for him. He cheated, he lied, he's still with her and not with you. He certainly could find a place to live not with her, but he doesn't. He is there because he wants to be. You can analyze what he says and what they say all you want, but where is he now?


It's as though you are living in complete denial, and have not accepted anything he has done to you. I think if you really thought about all he has done, how he has treated you, instead of begging for him back, you would be really angry. You should be. He is a jerk who does not care about your feelings.


What would you tell a friend who was in your situation?


i am looing for my own house but i am not just going to leave my home just like that???


It's not just like that, and it's his house. It's been 6 months. I have been there, I lived with my bf for two years in his house, and when we broke up I had to leave. Did I want to? No! Was that my home? Yes. Did I love him and still want to be with him? Yes! BUT, it was his house, and when we broke up, I left. You are the one desperately clinging to someone who proves every day he does not want to be with you, and who chooses to be with her.


Why are you analyzing their text messages? What about your life? Put it in perspective. You are the EX, who he cheated with, who won't move out of his house, who begs for him back every time she sees him, who checks his text messeges to his girlfriend. If you were on the outside looking in at someone who was doing what you were doing, wouldn't you think it was sad?


A half a year already. How much more of your life will you lose waiting for him when he hasn't come back?

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Why do you check his text messages to his girlfriend? Why do you even care what he does or says? You are wasting your time every single minute that you spend reading, checking, talking, thinking about him....Stop allowing him to dominate any more of your life!


What you need to do is move, start a new life, and FORGET ABOUT THAT MAN. He is worthless and you deserve much better. Love him all you want, just do it from a distance. He is a total jerk, a very big mistake, stop letting him pull your strings like some puppet. Forget everything he is saying, and get up on your own 2 feet and start standing up for yourself.

Geez why do you even WANT to be with him!!!!



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I think this situation is a little different, not only did suebob's ex cheat, but then he moved in with his ex six months ago, where he still lives. He tells SB not to mention his gf when he comes by to get mail or whatnot. He's still with his new gf.


Meanwhile, suebob still lives in his house while he's living with and sleeping with his gf at her house. He and suebob have been broken up for six months.


It seems that the smartest and best option for suebob is to cut this guy from her life, get back her self respect, and as Salt said stop letting him dominate her life, when they are not together and he is still choosing to be with and live with his gf.

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