Why is 'Am I in love with her?' such a hard question?

[Protex]

I've been in a realtionship for 5 months now and I've come to that point where I'm asking myself whether or not I am in love.

 

I don't think I know what the feeling of love is, I mean I thought I felt it in my last relationship. Then it just ended up, 9 months later, with her going back to her boyfriend. (yeah, I know). But even in that relationship, I would think to myself and still question, am I in love?

 

I know what love isn't. I just don't know what it is, oddly enough.

 

My girlfriend was really skeptical about relationships, men and love at the beginning due to bad past experiences. We've gotten through that, and her faith has somewhat been restored. I think she's nearing the point of saying I love you. She asks me questions like, Do you like me?, which is obvious. Then the, 'how much?' things like that. Things that I can sort of tell she wants me to whip out the, I don't like you, I love you, or something similar.

 

I just really don't know. I mean, at times when I am with her I get these really blissful feelings, random bursts of OMG IM SO HAPPY. But when I am not with her, and we talk over phone or MSN or whatever, sometimes I just feel like, 'bleh'.

 

I understand that we've passed the honeymoon stage of the relationship.

 

I really don't want to and won't say I love you until I am absolutely sure. But I'm just so messed. Thinking about this question gives me a headache.

 

I care about her, I care about if she is happy. I try to make her feel beautiful and wanted. I accept her flaws, that doesn't mean at times I won't get pissed off by one of them. But I accept them. I can talk to her about things, but I will get a very honest and down-to-earth response, which sometimes I don't want, but I can talk to her. Before I go to call her on the phone, I always get butterflies. I don't know why that is. It could just be the nervousness that she might be in one of her bad moods and bite my head off. (it happens often) But yeah.

 

I'm thinking about asking her what she thinks love is, to sort of gauge her expectation of what I'm supposed to mean when I do say it.

 

I really wish someone would just fall from the sky and tell me if I'm in love or not.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to find out? I mean, like things too look for?

 

I've read every love post on this board and whilst some make immense sense, I am still clouded.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

**edit: Could I just be staying with her because I don't want to re-shatter her image of men, and become one of those 'typical guys'? OMG, my head hurts.

[annie24]

As a general rule: If you have to ask, you're not in love. Maybe "in like" or "in lust," but you'll know when it's love.....

[Protex]

I don't believe in that though because if you've never experienced it and you're not familiar with what it feels like than you will always ask.

 

I know that it's different and unique for each person, but as with everything there has to be general idea or explanation of it.

[darkblue]

I agree with Annie.

 

If you get those butterflies in the pitt of your stomach. Question yourself about love.

 

Lust - maybe.

[Day_Walker]

It seems too cliche to say that "you will know you are in love when you are in it"

 

Love is simply another emotion, some people will describe it as a feeling that you get, but no one can really tell you when you are and when you arent feeling that way. Love is a personal thing it means different things to different people. First of all you need to find out what love means to you then you will have the answer to your question. I believe that is whats holding you back from the answer. People always get caught up in a feeling but have no idea of what it means and this means that they will lose their way.

[Miss M]

Wow, Protex, you seem like such a nice and thoughtful guy. (I don't know if you really are, but it sure looks like it from here. Besides all your thoughtful comments, one thing you added at the end seemed very significant.

 

Could I just be staying with her because I don't want to re-shatter her image of men, and become one of those 'typical guys'?

Actually, yes. And it's a really good question to ask yourself. Sometimes we fall into trying to not be a disappointment to a person because 1) we worry that they won't be able to handle it if we disappoint them 2) we worry that we won't like how it will feel to be regarded by them as a disappointment. 3) we're overly fixated on trying to live up to an image (possibly unrealistic) of what we think they want/need. 4) we're taking on too much responsibility for how the other person feels, thinking it's our job and obligation to keep the other person happy and content. It's great to be thoughtful and caring but we can't protect them from every harm. And relationships work both ways. It should be both persons looking after each other, not just one doing all the caretaking while the other does all the receiving.

 

I've been the kind of woman who repeatedly fell into a trap of trying to keep someone else happy. I truly didn't know it had turned into a self-harmful addictive thing until I tried to stop. But the whole reason I got caught up in that kind of behavior in the first place is because I wasn't wise enough to stop to ask myself that question you asked.

 

You seem smarter than me, not in need of my advice, so I guess I'm just writing this for myself.

[Tsunami]

Wow, sounds like you have a fantastic relationship!! Love comes in all shapes and forms, i don't think it can be uniformed. If you are asking the question whether you love her, that is the answer. You don't think you do love her. You will know when you fall in love, you wont even think about it. You will know it from the inside out!