COULD YOU HANDLE THIS??

[Echo]

I want to pose this question because of another post I saw on this thread..."Reasons to break up"...where the guy was asking if it's ok to break up with his GF to just have sex with other girls.

Well personally..I think if that relationship overall just isn't making you happy, and sex is affected due to other things..then I agree you should break up, before giving in to those urges. It is the RIGHT thing to do.

This leads me to this hypothetical question..because I am sort of going through something right now and I have wondered about this...

My ex of five years, on and off told me he had slept with someone else

about four months ago. Although we were NOT "exclusive"...it hurt me deeply. I then started thinking if I even had a RIGHT to be hurt? At first I thought I did, but now, I realize I really don't...I confronted him and asked him WHY he didn't tell me then, and he said it was because he didn't think it was important. THAT totally floored me.

 

Anyway, my question is this.... (Hypothetically) If you found out your b/f or g/f..husband or wife was in fact sleeping with someone else...or seeing someone else, can you really say how you would react? Would that be the END for you? Would you even consider staying?

No one is EVER taught how to react when faced with such a dilemma..My first reaction was ANGER and hurt....then I got my senses and thought...well maybe he NEEDS to be with someone else and see it's NOT so much better. Maybe giving him EXACTLY what he wants (which is out) is what he needs. In other words...letting them go. This is the decision I made..and I did it calmly. I felt much better than when I was angry. I felt more in control of myself..and actually at peace. Not sure if that's a good thing. I told him MAYBE I will talk to him in a few months...but I might not be there. I also said I realized I needed a break from him too..and I realized this now. So basically, I tried to save face.

How would you all handle this type of situation? I am just curious.

Thanks.

[Day_Walker]

If I found out that my significant other had been cheating on me (Im going to assume this means being intimate) that I will end the relationship. Its pretty clear cut in my mind as to what I would do in that situation. I dont feel that the situation has to do with my feelings towards her but it has to do with what I will put up with. The physical act of cheating actually isnt the part that concerns me, what I have a problem with is the lack of self control that the person exhibits. This tells me about the person as a whole.

[caasiopia68]

I cought my ex making out with another guy aabout 5 months ago... ahvent seen ehr since... ok do youi not know htat HE WAS CHEATING ON YOU!!! gosh thats like the worste thing possible... did he even say he was sorry??? ok what if he didnt tell you... then you would still feel the same about him and he would have all these secrets from you...

[Echo]

Just to reiterate...he and I were not in an "exclusive" relationship..but yes when we were together we WERE intimate...which to some might mean exclusivity.This is where the confusion about me having the right to be upset came in. Emotionally, I was upset yes. The thoguht of him with someone else crushed me..but when I calmed down and thought logically..I knew I had no "rights" or claims to him.

Does that make sense?

[shes2smart]

Just to reiterate...he and I were not in an "exclusive" relationship..but yes when we were together we WERE intimate...which to some might mean exclusivity.This is where the confusion about me having the right to be upset came in. Emotionally, I was upset yes. The thoguht of him with someone else crushed me..but when I calmed down and thought logically..I knew I had no "rights" or claims to him.

Does that make sense?

 

Absolutely. While you may feel hurt, you also realize that the two of you did not have an explicitly stated agreement to be monogamous. You were both free agents, and if you wanted a different arrangement, it was your responsibility to speak up.

 

From personal experience, I can tell you that it is not the inclusion of others or intimate relationships outside of your primary relationship that cause problems. Problems begin with or are compounded by a lack of communication -- ex. one person assumes there is exclusivity and the other does not make that assumption. The real trouble starts when there isn't agreement between the parnters and lying, deception and sneaking around start happening.

[Kookie]

It happened to me once before and I never felt anything for the guy again even though at the time, I thought I was very much in love. Years later, we can talk and he always brings up memories or tries to evoke feelings, but I moved on and don't care for him like that. Because he does that, I avoid talking to him.

[Day_Walker]

Echo,

Given your situation it seems that you had a right to be hurt because it seemed that it was a relationship to you instead of what the situation actually was but from my perspective I dont feel that your being hurt was justified because of the given situation. This answer might seem contradictory but thats how I see the situation.

[saltwatergirl]

If you 2 aren't committed, then I agree you did the right thing by choosing to just let it go. But, even if you try to justify what he did, it still hurts, doesn't it?

 

You could just try to let it go and approach him casually. But, be prepared for some changes that might occur within yourself after discovering that he cheated. For example, the respect you had for him in the past may not be there so much anymore. That can lead to a lessening of the attraction you once felt. you may even reach the stage where you honestly don't care what he does, and at that point you may find yourself beginning to pull away from him emotionally.

 

Basically just lose interest.

 

Salt

[Echo]

Thanks Salt.....you hit the nail on the head with your post.

I find I AM already losing interest in him...and a bit of attraction.

I suppose that's a normal reaction. The thought of him with someone

else makes my stomach turn....but it's NOT jealousy. It's...disgust.

I can't put my finger on it...but the feelings are definetly dissapating...and it kills me.

I am hoping this NC period will help me let him go...

[saltwatergirl]

This happens because you go through the tears and anger, then you just get to this point. You are right-- its no longer jealousy. That's just you seeing him in a new, less attractive way. Loss of interest-- Go with that. Realllly step back and look at this guy for what is NOW, not what he was or you thought he was. You'll feel better, sooner, if you do.

 

Cowgirl Up!

 

Salt