life after us...

[fantasia2004]

Ahh, gradle. I hope you are definitely making progress and I see it shows!

[gradle]

hi all,

i hope you're all having a great long weekend!

mine's pretty good, had some friends in town...had a lot of fun...

i've had a rough day though....i ended up looking back at some of the IMs j and i had...and some of the unsent letters i had sent him...and i've been so sad. i wonder what he's up to and what he's doing...i miss him so much. it makes me really really sad....

but i've been keeping busy so overall i'm ok. i got a chance to talk to C today and he seems to be doin well....

god, i miss j so much. i wish i knew how and what he were up to....but he doesn't want me to know, so i shouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that i want to know. but god, i love him

[gradle]

i'm upset b/c the last time i was at his place he had told me he would call me the next weekend (about 3 weeks ago). and he never did. he lied to me and that hurts me so badly

[annie24]

Oh honey.... he's your ex! Exes don't do stuff like call when they say they're going to. Didn't I tell you to put stuff away, like those letters? Well... get to it!

 

Honey... ok, I'm going to be mean, but.... J broke up with you! He told you he didn't want to be your boyfriend anymore! How can you love him? He told you he didn't want you in his life anymore! That's not a person you can love. He let you go.

 

Have you ever sat down and wrote a list of all the awful things he did to you? If you haven't, you should, just so you can see it in black and white.

 

J sucks.

[Hope75]

In a less severe way than Annie ( and I have done that myself to you Gradle), I am going to agree with her.

 

You seem to be seeing J in rose colored glasses again. He isn't this perfect guy who had it all. He was a guy who complained about you, didn't appreciate you for who you were, and who let you go. He isn't this great guy, or he would have wanted to try and work it out with you.

 

Why are you looking back on old memos and notes? You said you were going to put those away! All they do is remind you of a time that doesn't exist anymore, and a person who doesn't feel that way about you anymore. It makes you miss it and want it back all that much more, when what you really need to do is focus on the here and now.

 

Where is he now? Are you his # 1 priority? Are you even a priority anymore? You need to take that mindset about him too. He is your EX, and doesn't give you the time of day anymore, and you need to do the same.

 

Hang in there! Work at this, and don't let it get to you if you can.

 

And for Heaven's sake, put away all the old memorabelia and try not to linger over a dead horse, ok?

[annie24]

Yeah... about the priorities thing.... I'm going to be harsh again.... honey... I don't think you're a priority to him.

 

Look at it this way. He didn't call when he said he would. However, I would guess, J being a responsible member of society, he pays his bills on time, pays his rent on time, and returns his library books on time. I'm sure that he even returns his videos from Blockbuster on time. He does all those things when he says he's going to, but he doesn't call you. That sucks. And that tells you where you are on his priority list.

[DN]

They are a little harsh - but they are right.

 

Gradle - you have so much going for you. Don't waste it by pining over him. You can move on - and you have been. Just keep going and try not to feel sad when you think of him. It's tough but overall you are making progress. Just take the advice people who care about you are giving and use that support to move on. You can do it - you already are.

[annie24]

Yeah, I am being brutal today.

 

Whenever I talk to my best friend about some of the idiot men I've been dating the last few months, she says, "Annie, I think you should think about more important things. Like, what color you are going to paint your toenails tonight...."

 

 

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie what makes these men idiots?

[annie24]

Oh... some of the people here know some of the ridiculous dating stories I've had to share the last few months.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

so share them with me.

I know a few of your link removed stories. Tell me something horrible about what has happened to you. Don't worry, everybody who sticks at out at all eventually gets annalyzed and peaks my curiosity on here. Just like... in real life.

[annie24]

Ah... this thread is all about gradle....

 

maybe another day

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie don't play hard to scurtiny with me. It's such a pain. Just PM me and save me the time of sifting through your past comments. Don't worry, I am harmless.

[gradle]

hah, thanks guys

youare right, ijust have a hard time some days...all of his memorabilia is put in the back of my closet, but i still have so manyunsen tletters and Ims from him on my computer and i don't ahve the heart to delete them (sorry, i just got home from the bar)....

but annie, iw ant to hear your stories too...

how did i lose track of you?

[DN]

hah, thanks guys

youare right, ijust have a hard time some days...all of his memorabilia is put in the back of my closet, but i still have so manyunsen tletters and Ims from him on my computer and i don't ahve the heart to delete them (sorry, i just got home from the bar)....

but annie, iw ant to hear your stories too...

how did i lose track of you?

 

If you must keep that stuff (for now) on your computer, why don't you download it onto a disk and keep it at the back of the closet with all the other stuff. Maybe some out of sight - out of mind will help.

[Hope75]

Dn has a helpful suggestion Gradle, if you feel you absolutely must keep those files than save them on a disk and put it away, and purge them from your hard drive. That way you won't be as tempted to just bring them up.... if you have to go digging in the closet for them you will have more of a chance to stop yourself.

 

It's an important part of hanging on, because what is in those letters and IM's is not the way it is anymore, and reading them is just going to hurt and make you want that back more, and it's gone.... so why beat yourself up over it?

 

How are you enjoying Labor Day Weekend?

[gradle]

hi all....

so i just got back from the bar...and it's been an interesting week...fun, definitelhy....monday was fun, we wentg to maryland and had crabs....and the rest of the week was goood.. too...

but it was weirde, i think i've had all these quasi dates this week...and it make sm em feel awkward, jsut random guys asking me out for driknks, but i go and i don't like anhy of them like "that'....bu ti really want to be there friend b/c i need more of those here.l..

but i know myh friends really want me to date this one guy here, P, and he's so nice, and he's so sweet, and i would totally have adored him if J had never happened., but right now i feeli like i'd just hurt him,a nd i feel so bad...

and i don't feel a really strong connection.... it's so hard, and other things, he doesn't drink, which isn't a big deal at ALL...except i've become sort of a lush...plus he thinks that he should always drive everywhere, and i would hate that b/c i feel like p;eople would totally abuse that... plus i KNOW i would hurt him, and all that jazz, plus he's super tall, he's 6'6, and i'm only 5'3, and i can't dance with him, i mean j was 6'3 and that in itself was a little awkward b/;c neither of us were good dancers, but we managed to pull it off, but with P? uh uh...

and i miss j so much,a dn as sick as it is....i know he's keeping track of me on IM and on Friendster....

adn i miss him adn i love him and i dont' know what's wrong with me... i've met so many guys through work, but i just love the guy who didn't treat me how i deserved to be treated....i just wonder if something is really wrong with me...if i should seek some professional help, i shouldn't love someone who is willing to hurt me this much.....

i should be able to tell myself that i'm better than that.....b/c i know i am...but when i thinjk of him, all i can think of is how he is better than me....

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle!

 

So you think you would hurt this "P" guy because you are still not over J?

 

That's OK, there is no rush in getting involved with someone new, and I think these "quasi-dates" you are going on is a good idea, just getting to know some people, meeting new friends and nothing serious.

 

You don't have to take your friends' advice about getting serious with P, but don't rule out that possiblility based on his height! My mom is 5'3", and my dad is 6' 8", and tonight we are taking them out for their 35th! wedding anniversary! so, if that's what's holding you back, wear heals!

 

Seriously, how do you know that J is keeping track of you? Are you spying again? Why do you do that? How long has it been since you and J broke it off?

 

Girl, you have got to get some perspective on this! I don't think it woul d be a bad idea for you to talk to someone professional about it, would you be up for it? I think with your own insecurity issues and than this prolonged greiving over J and behaviour of still following up on his doings etc, it is a good idea to go and see a therapist and get your thoughts out and see what they say.

 

What do you think?

 

PS-- You are missing fall in Boston... the very best time!!!

[gradle]

i know! i miss certain things about that city, and the fall is teh best time! but it's been beautiful in dc, i think it's only rained once since i've been here

yeah, i would definitely hurt P, he is so nice and sweet, and i know i would walk all over him, adn i don't want to do that....but it's not just his height that was bothering me, whne we were dancing i was feeling so suffocated and he wouldn't stop practically hugging me, it just didn't feel good at all... i just feel like i'm happy being single, and don't want to be "owned" right now, b/c that's how i was feeling...

i can't believe your dad is 6'8, that's crazy, how tall are you? geez....i feel like a midget! but just little things....like yesterday we went to my alumni bar to watch teh football game, and i ran into some old friends (guys) and gave them my number and i guess they were flirting, but nothing serious, not a big deal, and i am totally and completely single, so i was fine with it, but i could tell P was upset....

i just know that j is keeping track o fme on friendster and IM...plus we have this mutual friend and i can tell he's getting info out of her...she always asks me what i was doing, and why i've been idle for so long and where have i been, etc....things she never used to care about...and i know they still talk .... but i don't want to ask her anything....first b/c i don't want him to know that i still care....and second b/c i'm afraid that it will hinder me....

but i got a little upset this morning....i went out last night and stayed at a friends b/c it was too late and we were too drunk to make it back to my place....but when i got home i noticed that J had changed his info on his IM profile, it used to be a sad song....and now it said not much...nad i'm sure he actually did it b/c he thinks i'm getting over him and seeing someone...i was idle all day friday and most of yesterday and i know he checks.....i changed mine from a sad song to nothing in particuar a few months ago...i refuse to let him know that i'm still so vulnerable to him...

but i'm ok in general....i just miss him so much....

but a have a little bit of a lunch date today staying busy has helped me soo much...and i've met so many new people here..so many guys too, but i think i'd rather jsut be there friends, but it feels good to hang out with them, they tell me i'm the coolest girl....and they tell me i sell myself short a lot, and they're right....

as sick as it is, even since before the break up, i would see a random girl and i woudl wonder if J would rather have her....there are so many beautiful girls out there and i wonder if just would rather be seeing them...i guess he obviously would, or he'd be with me....

but still, he always told me that he didn't want to start seeing anyone, he just wanted to be alone...

he told me that maybe in the future we could work it out...that he woudlnt' stop it from working out if that's how it went....i'm scared i've ruined any future chances though wiht my actions....god, i really wish i didn't love him so much....

i think there some counseling through my job i can get, i have to look into it a little bit more, but i've considered talking to them....just so maybe i can get a better understanding as to why i'm addicted to J....there's so many other nice guys out there, why do i love HIM so much, why did i love him more than i loved myself? why do i go on and on about it in my head...

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

Well it sounds like there is more to P than his height that is bothering you... and you shouldn't feel smothered b/c you know how unfair that is to do to a person, don't you?

 

Enjoy being single while you are and don't be in a hurry to replace J.

 

Yeah... my dad is 6'8", I am 5'10". He's monsterous! Makes you feel safe when you are a little girl, that's for sure! He has size 14 shoes!

 

I'm a little concerned about the amount of drinking you've been doing, do you think it's a little overboard, Gradle? How much are we talking about here? Be sure and keep tabs on that, you don't want to have another major problem/addiction on your hands, right?

 

And how do you know J is keeping tabs on you... and why are you still checking his IM messages and such.... remember your place... you are exes! You really have to knock that off.

 

And BTW, you are a beautiful girl with alot to offer the right man, so try not to waste your time wondering why J doesn't want to be with you! It shouldn't matter, it is what it is and you deserve more. It's not a competition. Think about it. Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a prostitute, look at how beautiful she is!

 

For whatever reasons J chose not to be in a relationship with you anymore and it's time to stop overanalyzing that, accept it and move on.

 

C'mon girl, you can do this! ((HUGS))

[annie24]

hey gradle - just hang in there! Have fun. Don't worry about stuff, and don't let yourself get pushed into a relationship that you're not ready for. You're going to be ok.

 

Yeah, gotta try not to think about J. Just try it for one day. You'll see that you feel better. If you start thinking about J, right away, think about something else!

 

Glad you're meeting tons of new people!

[gradle]

i'm an idiot

he put up an away message that inferred he was happy.

and my curiosity got the best of me

and i IMed him i asked why he was so happy

and he hasn't responded

[gradle]

he replied

it went ok....

he's been dating, although he hasn't found anyone he really likes yet, and he hates the dating process...he has spent the night at someone's house, but he claims, it's not like that..

i reminded him that the first time he spent the night at my place, although we didn't do anything (not even kiss), he was in love wiht me

i was ok

i kept myself from being angry

but i was sad

and i kept telling him that i loved him, and we talked for like an hour nad he wanted to go, he says he cares a lot for me, so in that sense he does love me....

i think he really does love me

so i told him to go, but i kept reminding him of all the reasons that i loved him.

he seems to think that he'll be moving back in a year, but is still contemplating quitting...

i was stuipd

i asked if the girls he;s been seeing are prettier, or better than me...he said he wouldn't compare...

he said he's open for us getting back together in the future, but that it doesn't mean it will happen. that his sayign that isn't a guarantee that it will happen, but that he won't forget ....

that my biggest fault is that i can't just let it be

that it wasn't me, he just felt stuck

that it wasn't me, it was just the circumstances

that there is no one girl, he's just dating around

am i stupid?

i don't know if i regret the contact yet. that was a month of no contact

 

i'm leaving town tomrorow

that will be good for me

[gradle]

so i'm stupid and i couldn't sleep and all i've been doing is tossing and turning and thinking stuipd things...like maybe i'll visit him in san fran...STUPID,....then i think about the other girls he's been dating.he says he's far from being in love with anyone...

.. he really hates to date. he likes things to just happen. i'm kind of the same way...but i've hit a point where i think i realize that even i don't really like the formalities, i deserve them and i want the guy to think i deserve them...

so i've just been tossing and turning like an idiot.

i said if he were trying to ignore me i'd be sad...and he said he would never not want to talk to me again...

and then i just couldn't sleep. i started doing something that i've wanted to do for a long time...i started jsut writing myself all the memories of the relationship....from the first week of freshman year to just a few months ago...i'm already at 6 pages and i have barely skimmed teh surface of our getting back together senior year...

i'll never send it to him...

but i when i was IMing him, after he'd gone to bed...i just sent a few reminders of the really good memories.

i know i'm being an idiot. i can't help it. he just said he'd asked a lot of people what to do, adn they all said to make space.

i really want to visit him at some point, just to see his face adn i know that's a stupid thought

but i can't help it... it doesn't help that i have friends that have gone through soemthing very similar... andthe girl is just like me. I mean JUST like me. like did crazy things, etc...adn they worked it out...the guy gave the same reasons j did

they were apart for 1.5 years...god, i just want j and i to work it out. i'm actually going to see those friends tomorrow....

[Hope75]

Oh Gradle!

 

What an awful night!

 

Girl, you REALLY can't be doing things like that, look at how much it is setting you back!

 

You should NOT be asking J about his love life or his feelings for you right now! You just showed him that nothing about you has changed and that you still won't leave him alone!

 

It's REALLY unhealthy-- you have been broken up for 3+ months now!

 

I know you briefly considered talking to a therapist, have you given that any more thought?

 

You know just because this friend of yours who is like you worked it out with her bf doesn't mean that will happen for you guys. It doesn't mean it won't, but so long as you continue to hinge every aspect of your life on whether or not he will come back, you will have no life.

 

It's so bad for you! This one man cannot be EVERYTHING in your life. You have to try and make some other connections and other sources of happiness.

 

How long do you think this is going to go on before you realize that you are living for someone who left you and doesn't want to come back anytime soon?

 

Honey, you deserve so much more. Aren't you angry that he treated you this way and left? Why would you want back a guy so much who left you and hurt you this way? Who chooses not to be with you?