we were really getting somewhere until i screwed up

[Very_lost_jo]

I need help so seriously,

my husband me in march with the words that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. since then we have continued to speak and talk about things as long as i don't push a reconciliation or return to our marriage as it used to be. now mind you i was floored when he left didn't have a clue that he was unhappy with our marriage. since that time i have done alot of soul searching and realized that i turned into a nasty person and a worry wart about everything and he couldn't handle the tension and turmoil that was surrounding me. i am working on it and have watched our relations improve and although worked out an agreement with my husband to give it six months to work on a new relationship with eachother. things were great until i saw him out with "vickie" who he told me about and reitterated many times that she was just a friend and that i and i alone held a special part in his life. well the evil jealousy monster came out when i saw them and i confronted her by introducing myself as "marks wife" with a snotty attitude. my husband basically told me that i had ruined any chance for us when i did that. i love him so much, we are or were friends lovers and companions. how do i convince him that my jealousy took control and even knowing that she was just a friend brought out all the nasty mean and spitefull feelings focused at her. it was a stupid mistake and i was foolish. where do i go from here... i know he loves me and know he likes to be with me, but he sees what i did as a betrayal of trust and that is unacceptable to him... can't get him to see that it works both ways and he also betrayed me. god help me i know that we can work through all this and be partners again if he would only give me the chance. there is so much more to this than meets the eye.. .his mother hates me, feels i am the devil incarnate and doesn't bat an eye when she tells him how much happier and better his life will be without me and he is living with her right now. if it's really over and he doens't love me then i will deal with that in time, never get over it but deal. but even he says or said until this episode with the girl that he loves me, and that he is confused with everyone trying to pull him in one direction or another. i love him and always will he is the man i am supposed to grow old with and no one else compares and no one else ever will.

[brando]

hey u made a mistake, no big deal, it isnt easy trying to change somethings about onesself.

 

Stop giving him all the power in the relationship. If he told you you ruined any chance, then think about what he is saying..he knows he has you where he wants you...he ruined his chance is how you should look at it. If he saw you out with a guy who is just a friend, what do you think he would do???

 

You need to pull yourself together and find some self confidence and self respect. He isnt perfect, he isnt the only man on earth, and he is treating you badly.

 

Why do you feel you did something rong, and wimper away while he is out with another woman..something wrong here.

 

Start thinking about yourself and what you want, obviously he isnt thinking much about your mariage, dont let him get away with that, stop and take care of you, stop thinking about him, their are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of men who will trat you much better than him.

 

Chin up... be strong, and start thinking with your head and not your heart.

[DN]

Do you think he is having a romantic or sexual relationship with Vickie or do you believe him that she is just a friend? And what did you believe when you confronted her?

[HajiMaji]

I say dont play into his guilt trip. Sure you acted out of line, but saying you ruined any chances you might of had seems a little far fetched. I see people do that a lot when they dont want to be in the relationship anymore. Make it seem like the other person's fault. It makes the other person feel horrible but at least they can feel as if they did nothing wrong.

[Very_lost_jo]

no i honestly don't believe that he has or had a sexual relationship with this vickie, but when i confronted her i got the vibe that she would have it differently she was throwing off all the come get me signs, so i just wanted her to know that i was in the picture and a force to be reckoned with. it was somewhat humorus she is an amazon and i am 5'"2 on a good day. i just needed her to know who i was and that mark is my husband. it was pure and simple jealousy and i did it to get a reaction out of her.

[DN]

If he considers her just a friend and you believe him then how can you say he betrayed your trust? Where was the betrayal?

 

But what you did do was imply, by confronting her, that you don't trust him And that is probably why he so mad at you.

 

What you have to decide is if you trust him and if you do trust him, do do you want him back?

 

Once you have sorted those things out in you mind then you can decide how to proceed. Either move on and get over him, or try to get a reconciliation. And how to deal with his mother.

 

But getting into blaming, confrontations, arguments etc. will not help you - it will just cloud the issues and make them impossible to resolve.

[Very_lost_jo]

he betrayed my trust by walking out on our marriage. there is some anger there also with that betrayal but i have tried to understand his reasoning and both of our failures and work what i saw was an issue with me. i am working on being myself again and becoming a better person inside and out... i just forgot the forest for the trees when i saw her with him

[DN]

I can't agree that he betrayed your trust by walking out on your marriage - you say yourself that you turned into a nasty person and that he couldn't handle the tension and turmoil. That is not betrayal - that is self-preservation.

 

It is valid and necessary to discover what went wrong in the marriage that you can both fix and there are probably plenty of things that he needs to change about himself as well. But beware of blaming him for things that are or were not his fault.

[brando]

jo

 

dont take all the responsibility for what you think you may have done. It takes two to tango... i see alot of dumpees beat themselves up over the end of a relationship...i did it myself, and their is nothing you can do right now.

 

The best advice i found was simply, it doesnt matter what you want it is what he wants. I know it isnt over yet between you two, but keep this in mind, and when you speak again, you will need to put your feelings aside and be less emotional, even if it is only for a few minutes..

[SadnConfused]

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE CALM... OMG I know. I will tell you what helped me better than any other persons advice.... Reading. Read How to get your lover back By Blase Harris, MD. Plus it takes your mind away for awhile... You will be surprised. He will be wondering what happened, seen that youve grown and be like... now SHE is a woman!

[Very_lost_jo]

ok... your right i did turn into a nasty person.... but i guess i felt that he just gave up and didn't try to work on things.... he ran... and that was something we promised we wouldn't do to eachother. i can live without him and make it on my own... it just hurts so damn much and feels like my heart has been ripped out in tiny pieces. it isn't just that he walked away its that he 1) did it on easter 2) took his kids and went to live with his mother 3) kept giving me the idunno what i want line and 4) took my heart with him