HELP! Guys Advice Needed Urgently

[Jadtt]

Well, if you have read my other posts, I started seeing this guy in March. We had a great first month and a half together, we were very intimate, discovered we had a lot in common and loved spending time together. As soon as his finals approached he started freaking out on me, he said that school was his most important goal (as he was changing his career) and he had to focus on that, I said I completely understand. He had indicated on many occasions that he was falling in love with me, and agreed with him. Shortly before I went on a business trip to Germany in May, he said that he loved me. When he said that I was totally freaked out. In fact, when he said he needed space I was freaked out as well. It made me a little insecure because we had, on many occasions, discussed that neither one of us were ready for a serious relationship. Before I left he said that he felt like there was a connection and a lot of chemistry between us, that we both worried to much about where the relationship was going, and we needed to take is slow and not worry, or we would screw it up.

 

When I came back from Germany, things were great. But, I was still insecure and asked a couple of questions like "Why haven't you introduced me to some of your friends" and "Why don't you want to spend time with me when I haven't seen you in three weeks". He, of course, freaked out on me again.

 

Things were normal after that, but he seemed pretty insecure and I did as well. Anyway, for about a month now things have just been weird. He indicated, again, he believed we jumped into things too fast and his feelings were overwhelming, he wanted to take a step back, start over and go slow. He said he needed time to get to know me because, every other relationship he's been in before was with someone he knew really well. And, he doesn't know me that well, worries about my reactions, how I am going to be, etc and it is too stressful. We decided to remove the boyfriend/girlfriend labels because that was causing pressure on both of us.

 

During the past month or so, every time I have been with him, his ex has been calling. He has known her since they were 11, and they dated for around 2 years. Their relationship ended 2 years ago, and I am the first woman he has dated since that relationship. When we first started dating each other, he explained that he had a bad relationship with her (she cheated on him), but since he's known her forever, she would still be involved in his life. I was fine with that. However, I have been worried for quite some time that she would find out we were dating, and all of a sudden come back into his life.

 

Things have been really weird, he suddenly didn't want to have sex with me because he indicated that it put pressure on the relationship. Again, we had another conversation about slowing things down. Finally, I had this overwhelming feeling that something didn't make sense, his change in behavior did not make sense. So, on a Saturday night I stopped by his house unexpectedly to discuss it. I wasn't surprised to find out his ex was there with him.

 

So, he and I had a long conversation. He said he is dating her again as well, she wants to get back together with him, he doesn't want to be serious. He said he had very strong feelings for me and wanted to continue seeing me. In my head, I am thinking that the only reason this girl wants to get back together with him is out of jealousy, she saw him with me and she always thought he'd be there for her, I told him this.

 

He has been so scared that I am too serious about him. We ended up having a detailed discussion about us. I explained to him that the reason I started dating him was because we instantly 'knew' we would work together, and I was going to take a risk with him because I have only felt like that one other time in my life. I also told him he had to be honest with everything he said in our discussion because there was nothing he could say that would hurt me, because we have only been seeing each other for 4 months and I do not have too much invested in the relationship thus far. I mapped out our relationship, and said I felt like he did have strong feelings for me and got scared, started to assume my reactions, question why I am there, etc. And, since, with his ex he knew what to expect, he started spending time with her.

 

He said that he truly had very strong feelings for me and it did scare him. That he still has feelings for me and wants to continue getting to know me and to date me. He said that we jumped into having sex too quickly, and he wants to ensure that we work together without it, and that our relationship is not based on sex. He also said he does not want be serious with his ex, doesn't want to get back together with her, but just wants to see if she's grown up. He also indicated that she seriously wants to get back together with him, and is not willing to wait. He also said that he realizes, now that everything that he was freaking out about didn't have to happen, that it was in his head and he just freaked out, assumed that I would react like a typical controlling/jealous woman, instead of trusting me. He said he did all of this because he was scared and didn't know me.

 

We didn't really leave it anywhere other than he said that I am a different woman than anyone he's ever met. I didn't give him an answer as to whether I was willing to date him while he was dating other people.

 

Help! I cannot make sense out of any of this. I do not want a serious relationship with him, but I KNOW that we would work well together and I am willing to wait. What is all of this confusing nonsense he is doing???

[Hakim]

He has been seeing her or at least conversing romatically with her the whole time.

 

This sounds exactly like what I have done off and on for years. I have been in love with a woman for more than a decade and she loves me. For some reason we can never seem to live in the same city. We basically have a long drawn out affair going on. I fly out to visit her for a week she comes to visit me now and then. I have to lie to my girlfriends to keep things going the way I like them to be. I can see gobs of lies in what he tells you. Sorry, he is in love with her but something keeps him from being with her and he will always be tormented by this- he tries to get away (to you) and free himself of the burden of unfullfilled love but it is sometimes impossible to shake.

[Jadtt]

I understand what you are saying, I am not sure if I believe it entirely though, for various reasons.

 

I have left out a very important fact. My good friend has been friends with this guy for years. I have had discussions with her and she is very honest with me, she assured me this guy was not in love with his ex when I started dating him. I trust her, as she has been honest with me about certain events that have occurred between me and him. This guy tells my friend everything, and she knows he does not love his ex.

[Hakim]

I have gone for up to two years keeping absolutely silent about HER hoping that I can be free of her- I mean grrr I can't be with her- it is painful. I don't want to be in love with her now but if it could somehow work...

It is all quite sketchy. I would like for it work between you, your post just reads like he's holding out for her to come around. I would hate for that to happen after you invest time and love into it. The minute your relationslip lulls he might be right back to heating it up with her, like I so oft do. He wants the best deal he can get. The "lets slow down" is code for "I am so hot for the other and I don't want to hurt you." Maybe. Maybe my experience is just that =my experience. I should be seeking advice.

[elveden]

I must say I disagree with Hakim. In my opinion (having suffered in similar relationships before myself) your problem is communication.

 

Judging by the way you described your story you appear very confused about this whole thing. I'm not blaming anything on you, he appears very confused also. It's vital in a relationship (and even moreso when there are other people such as ex-partners involved) that you keep talking to each other. You need to know where you are in this relationship. I wouldn't go as far as to say this guy is messing you around, he just seems confused.

 

If I were you, I would set aside a good 2 hours to sit down and talk to him about absolutely everything that's happened. He needs to make a decision and say what is more important to him. Really, you need to find out where you are with this guy - otherwise he'll keep messing both of you around like he has been doing. It's not his fault, like I keep saying, he sounds very confused.. That's all..

 

Really hope this works out for you

 

Tom

[RayKay]

I would listen to Hakim more in this case then your friend...he may have "not been in love with ex" but his actions are speaking louder than any words. If he is not interested in the ex, for a relationship or otherwise you know what...he would not be dating her. He would not be wasting time he could be spending with girls he WANTS to date and be with on someone he does not want to be with. What is he dating her for? Out of pity? If that is the case, you don't want this guy anyway.

 

Did he freak out? Maybe. But I will say that that whole commitment phobe thing is a fallacy created to make ourselves feel better about it, or to give people an "excuse" to run....men are only afraid to commit to the WRONG person. If they are sure of their feelings then there are no fears whatsoever. There are plenty of self professed "commitmentphobes" who break up, and marry the person they proclaim as the "one" within a year later. Were they suddenly cured? Nope...just likely the person they were with before was not the right person for them to want to commit themselves too.

 

If a guy suddenly does not want to have sex with you...after you have been intimate....I will say there is also something else fishy going on. He is either sleeping/dating with someone else and has promised to be exclusive to them or is just not attracted. If a guy wants you, loves you, is attracted to you...trust me he wants sex with you. He might not rush it and allow things to develop, but he won't stop suddenly what has started.

 

You are right, there IS something weird about his behaviour. There is nothing wrong with taking things slow with you, but running, not having sex with you, and dating his ex whom "he does not really want to be with and is just dating to see if she is grown up" (wow, how grown up is he?) IS very fishy, and to me would be reason to have a big talk with him. I mean honestly, do you want to share him with his ex? Maybe he DID freak out...but come on, there are many "scary things" that happen in our lives, is he going to run and date other women every time?

 

Don't deny your own feelings, if you don't want him dating his ex, say so! He can accept it or not, but then that gives you an indication of his true feelings at least.

 

I really don't think you should sit around waiting...listen to his actions, not his words. Words without the actions to back them up are just fiction.

[Jadtt]

Wow! Thanks! This past Sunday I did sit down with him for about two hours. I indicated to him that I thought there were some serious miscommunications between the two of us.

 

I started off and told him that I thought he was a good person, even considering the fact that he was dishonest about dating the ex (which he said he had been doing for two weeks). I said that he made a bad decision, which didn't make him a bad person, just meant he made bad choice.

 

I let him know that I only started dating him because I felt amazing about him, instantly (and he felt the same) and I decided to take a risk. I also said that I didn't want anything serious, but wanted to explore my possibilities with him. Then, I proceed to tell him I thought that he did have strong feelings for me, but started getting scared and started assuming I wanted to be serious. Which, sent him on a downward spiral of assuming my reactions. Which, in turn made him more uncomfortable and stressed out. I also set him straight and said that when I met him, I liked him for exactly who he was, and that he didn't have to go out of his way the first two months to try and get me to like him by saying romantic and nice things. He stopped me and indicated everything he told me, everything he said he felt, was not to get me to like him, but it was the truth, but at some point those feelings scared him. He also indicated that we started to have sex really quickly, and that confused him.

 

When we got done with our two hour conversation--he asked me where I wanted to leave things. I said 'What do YOU want'...he said that he had feelings for me, wanted to continue seeing me and wanted to get to know me over time. He said he wanted to leave sex out of it, for now, because he wanted to ensure that we worked well together and that our relationship wasn't based on sex. He said he did want to date other people for now, but that he was definitely not getting together with his ex.

 

I told him I would need time to decide what I wanted to do. Even if I don't want to be serious, and I want to date him casually, I will not be in competition with another woman. He would HAVE to take time to spend with me, and I'm expecting to spend time with him at least twice a week. That he will have to make an effort to get to know me better and he will have to stop comparing me to other woman and assuming my reactions.

 

He also said, again, that I was unlike any other woman he's ever met, most women would be jealous, irrational, etc. He called me later that day and indicated that he felt a lot better after our conversation and he finally understood where I was coming from.